★ My Foster Guardian Lu Han [43.6%]
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FICTION BIO
My Foster Guardian Lu Han
by pakwanii
Featuring: EXO
Type: Chaptered
Genre: Comedy, Friendship, Romance
Main Characters: Lu Han, Sehun, Kim Jaera (OC)
Status: Ongoing (reviewed with 10)
Rated: None
Warnings: Cussing
by pakwanii
Type: Chaptered
Genre: Comedy, Friendship, Romance
Main Characters: Lu Han, Sehun, Kim Jaera (OC)
Status: Ongoing (reviewed with 10)
Rated: None
Warnings: Cussing
DESCRIPTION
Seventeen, that’s what Kim Jaera’s age is.
A lone underage girl that overworks herself to death with various part time jobs just to make ends meet. With no family left with her, she had to do fake signatures for every papers and documents that needed to be filled out for her scholarship.
Everything was going well until her class adviser began suspecting her. Not to mention failing to pay the monthly rent, she’s pushed to the edge. If she gets caught, then she’ll be sent to the orphanage and be forced to stay there until she turns eighteen, and she won’t just let a nosy class adviser and a snooty landlady ruin her three years of being independent.
(continues on page)
EXCERPT
I live by myself in a small shabby apartment in this big city of Seoul. How do I pay for the rent? How do I manage to live by myself? I do part time jobs, of course. I actually wanted to have a single full time job but they won’t let me. Every place that I’ve been to only allows me to get a part time since I’m still seventeen—an underage.
Story Review by xODarkMistOx (161/300 - 43.6%)
This review will or may come off as harsh but please remember that I'm trying to point out your flaws and improve on them. Feel free to message me if you have any other questions.
Title (5/20)
I don't really know how to say this other than: this title just threw me off completely. I saw it, and I immediately cringed and didn't even want to give it a try. I'm really sorry, but this sort of title drives people off. When I see that title, it gives off a 'here it is now take it' vibe. There's not creativity to it, it's just how it is and its not exactly classically beautiful.
It's something that rings in the minds of people that 'this is totally cliche' and theres nothing in it that says 'give me a chance' and truthfully I've seen this story before reviewing, and only now have I read it. Even before this, I was driven off.
Your title is something that drives people off and immediately in my mind I don't even want to give it a chance because the title was just so blatant and overly cliche. The words 'my' create this aura of awkwardness and the rest of it just drove me away.
It's so self explanatory, that there's nothing to discover. There's nothing to find out about this story and I lost interest.
A title can make or break a story and in this case your title really broke your story. It just seemed so shallow like oh boy look at this cliche story I can see how this is going to end up. Your title really just had me prepared for the worst and I don't like that when going into a story. I like being underwhelmed but preparing for the worst is an entirely different feeling.
Forward and Description (20/40)
I cringed when I saw your description. Okay that was harsh. I didn't enjoy it. I was more so upset because it again just kept forcing that feeling that I had to feel sorry for Jaera. I don't enjoy that in stories and here's why. I want to grow to like the character and THEN feel my own emotions for them. There's a difference between a sad story having the purpose of making me feel bad for the character and when a description keeps saying things like 'lone, underaged, no family'I don't feel sympathetic for the character but rather annoyed.
The key to writing a sad fic or sad anything is using words that are not synonyms of sad or realting to sad. You must choose your words wisely and it is the build up of those words that will create the feeling of sympathy.
Readability (35/40)
Despite your turn offs of a title and description, your grammar and spelling were done quite well.
However, please do fix your tenses.
Incorrect: "Sure there were a few eggs and raw meat, but being the lazy bum that he is.."
Correct: "Sure, there were a few eggs and raw meat, but being the lazy bum he was..."
Correct: "Sure, there were a few eggs and raw meat, but being the lazy bum he was..."
Incorrect: "Lu Han stared at the window directly right in front of him, and saw a girl trying to tie her hair into a ponytail. He always sees that girl..."
Correct: "Lu Han stared at the window directly right in front of him, and saw a girl trying to tie her hair into a ponytail. He always saw that girl..."
Correct: "Lu Han stared at the window directly right in front of him, and saw a girl trying to tie her hair into a ponytail. He always saw that girl..."
There are plenty more, but I hope you get the jist.
Characterization (20/50)
I'll say this pretty easily. Your main characters bored me, but your side characters interested me. That's kind of the wrong impression but I'll explain why.
Luhan's your typical dude who's rich and single and blah.
Jaera's your typical rebellious tomboy high school girl who don't need no man but for her to keep living and not get caught by the land lady she needs one.
Luhan's just not interesting to me there's no connection I find with him. Jaera is in the same boat. I especaily despised how she said "It's hard I know." (that's not exact I think it was frustrating but it's close enough to get my point across) It made me feel like she knows that "Yup people feel sorry for me *laughs* I got this in the bag."
There's no real dimension to them. Sure they have their pasts but they're so flat personality wise and the story just FORCES us to feel sorry for them and I don't enjoy that. I enjoy seeing a story that doesn't purposely make me feel sorry for the characters but rather grows to love and care and feel bad for them. It's like The Fault in Our Stars by John Green (amazing book if you haven't read it): the two characters have cancer. Cliche right? But no, they don't feel upset or sorry for themselves and its not in a cliche way either. They use such dark humor or have all of these mental run on sentences about some moment in their lives that make me love them.
In this story, Jaera had a messed past, but its because of the way you portrayed her, I couldn't enjoy her character or even feel sorry for her.
Now Sehun. Now this kid is pretty interesting. I actually wanted to know his motives. I was really intersted into why he was only picking on Jaera and stuff and I liked his character.
Originality (10/30)
Alright, I am going to be completely honest and say that this sort of story, as been done before and I have seen about twenty stories like this. I'll give you props because for new readers to AFF this sort of story is fresh and new. I understand how interesting fics like yours can be.
Sadly, I'm not a new reader and even though I've been here only a year and a few months, I've filtered through most of the fanfics on this site in the EXO or B.A.P tag. And this story, wasn't anything new. The first chapters I was just yearning for something interesting.
The fact that Jaera was living her life normally and such didn't make it interesting. It's like yeah we know shes okay so what's left to tell? All of her background and or life is told in the first chapter or two and there's nothing really about this story that I wanted to discover.
Plotline (50/90)
I'm cutting off a large chunk because in my amount of reading (I read up to chapter ten) there wasn't much I wanted to discover and nothing really wowed me. Maybe I just read too much, maybe it's because I started off bumpy and didn't enjoy it all the way I don't know.
This is my own opinion but the only part that interested me was Sehun's part in this. I was so interested in how he would try and get into Jaera's business and how he would just mess things up and I think this fact is why I'm minusing so much. More so, if I pay attention to the side characters more than the main ones, there is a problem unless it is how it is supposed to be.
Structure / Mechanics (20/30)
While your story isn't eye catching, your writing is pleasant. It's nothing really special, but it's good. Nothing really wowed me and you didn't really describe things that well. Everying was just you know there but because the pacing was a bit rough, it was hard for me to let everything sink in. Your writing I may say, is good. It's normal, may I say classic. The words and style remind me of other stories that I have read. However, this doesn't go in for your favor because for a story that is sad and is heavily based on past things, you need to describe very well and put emotions and imagery into play for the readers to understand the characters.
Bonus (+1)
I did like your poster, your new one at least I like the glow and blend factor to it.
Reader's View
Your story is something that takes a special person to like. I'm going to be real and say I didn't enjoy this story at all. I didn't exactly enjoy the awkward sounding dialogue, the whole entire feeling of how I ABSOLUTELY MUST feel sorry for this girl and everything. The way you wrote it was just overly dramatic. I felt like everything was blown up to such far extremes that I couldn't enjoy it. The entire story was screaming Oh woe is me...I am an orphan! But I am a girl who don't need no man! and everything was just so contradicting I couldn't enjoy it.
Additional Comments / Final Score (161/300 - 43.6%)
I'm really sorry for this review. It's absolutely overdue but I couldn't concentrate when I was reading your story and I was busy with school. I hope this can make up for it though! I really think that you're almost there with this story but you just need a wow factor. Honestly, this story is okay. It's not bad, but not really interesting, so all you need is something differnt from the rest you know?
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