★ Omo. Ottoke?! [38.3%]
[On Glory's Edge] The Archives
FICTION BIO
Omo. Ottoke?!
by onkeyjongmintae
Featuring: SHINee
Type: Oneshot
Genre: Comedy, Crack
Main Characters: Minho, Taemin, OC
Status: Complete
Rated: None
Warnings: None
by onkeyjongmintae
Type: Oneshot
Genre: Comedy, Crack
Main Characters: Minho, Taemin, OC
Status: Complete
Rated: None
Warnings: None
DESCRIPTION
You were getting married to Minho.
But then someone objects.
And the whole world starts collapsing.
Literally.
EXCERPT
I…Reum-ah… .mine…” Taemin breathed heavily.
“Um, I…. what?” I exchanged glances with Minho.
What do I do? I know Taemin had this little crush on me years ago.
Story Review by Stephy0823 (118/300 - 38.3%)
I'm sorry for this review taking so long~! And I'm sorry If this review sounds harsh. I also haven't had the chance to read over this, so sorry if something doesn't make sense. ^^ Please forgive me.
Title (6/20)
I am so against romanization it's like not even funny. I just think it's awkward, to have a language that must don't understand being so prominent. I mean, of course I know what omo. ottoke means, and I understand that it is a very common phrase that Koreans use. But it is really awkward, and If I were looking through fics, I probably wouldn't click on yours in all honesty. I just don't think that romanization belongs in fics. I was also a little thrown off by your punctuation, since you had a period as well as the question and exclamation mark at the end. It just all seemed...weird to say the least.
Foreword and Description (16/40)
Though I was a little under whelmed, your description and forward got to the point, thought there were spelling mistakes as well it wasn't terrible. However, I really feel the need to break this down.
You were getting married to Minho.
Right off the bat this already feels rather awkward. Seeing as how this isn't a --/you fic, I think the placement of you really throws things off. I was also bothered by the randomly italicized letters, which made it seem like there was some sort of message behind it, which with further investigation, I came to the conclusion that there isn't. Which feel free to correct me if there actually is. ^^
The rest was grammatically correct, and I didn't have any problems with it so, overall your description was alright.
Now to your forward. I was also thrown off by this. It was structured oddly. In some places you had to many periods and spaces, causing an awkward pause between the words, rather then a normal one.
The first line:
"I...Reum-ah... .mine..." Taemin breathed heavily.
Should be something more like:
"I...Reum-ah...mine..." Taemin breathed heavily.
And even then I still think it's slightly awkward when read.
I would prefer most if the sentence was something more like:
"I...Reum-ah...mine..." Taemin panted.
whenever you use the word breathed, it tends to sound strange to the ear. Like one of the words you consider a few times on whether it's really even a word. But it's not that big of a deal honestly.
the third sentence, unfortunately was pretty messy.
What do I do? I know Taemin had this little crush on me years ago.
There are so many ways you could have worded this to make it correct, and honestly just switching one letter makes the worlds of a difference.
What do I do? I knew Taemin had this little crush on me years ago.
or
What do I do? I've known Taemin has had this little crush on me since years ago.
I'm sure you get the drift. ^^
Readability (33/40)
You had a few spelling errors so I'll just go ahead and point which ever ones I noticed.
I'm still not used to these kind of stuff.
should be: I'm still not used to this kind of stuff.
Then, of course, the mistakes I have already pointed out from the forward and description. Aside from that your story was pretty readable, despite the sentencing that I will get into in the structure and mechanics section. ^^
Characterization (9/50)
It's really hard to judge characters, when your story is as short as yours was. There really wasn't any character development, and everyone felt very one-dimensionally. I mean, I noticed that Reum and Minho were in love, and Key and hers friendship was clear, but the story was to short to really get a grasp on who anyone really was. Even with the story in Reum POV I still don't really know the kind of person she is. I was really disappointed honestly.
Originality (24/30)
I mean, we can say your story is original with he fact that the end was completely out of no where, but it's really not a good thing. I have definitely not read a fic like your before so I guess it is original if we were to look at it technically.
Plotline (13/90)
I'm sorry but, this plot didn't entertain me like...at all. It was just so random, and it was so messy that I couldn't find anything interesting with your plot. the story was so short, that no sort of development happened, people were just thrown in and the ending was...really confusing and disappointing, as well as completely un-realistic.
Of course I realize that we are writing fanfiction, and the fact that Taemin objected wasn't odd, it happens often, but that the building just started collapsing, and Reum randomly died? You didn't give us any other sort of information. Did Taemin really like kidnap Minho? Had they secretly been in some sort of relationship? But then why was Minho fighting it? And why did Key consider saving Reum? And why didn't she just run?! I'm just...completely under whelmed, and left with more questions than answers. And not in a good way.
Structure / Mechanics (13/30)
there were a few things that I just really didn't like. I disliked how choppy and short every sentence was, and that one sentence took up a whole line, rather then having at least some paragraphs. I also hated that you included some many words that just...aren't words. It really throws it off a lot and ruins any sort of developed flow. Everything was just so rushed...and nothing was really good honestly. your spelling was okay, but your grammar wasn't creative, and everything just felt so choppy.
Bonus (+4 max of ten)
I like loved your poster, though It didn't really match much for the story, it was great. So, bonus points for that ^^. Your layout was also very clean so, plus there as well.
Reader's View
If I were just a reader...I would honestly be a little upset. I actually had high hopes for this story, and I was really disappointed unfortunately. ^^;;
Additional Comments / Final Score (118/300 - 38.3%)
I really think this story has some potential. Because your grammar isn't bad and there is a plot somewhere in there. But I think the first step would be to make it longer and actually dive into the plot rather then just go right over it. I really wish this review could have been longer, but there was really not much to go off of, so sorry for that. ^^;;
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