★ Inspiration [88.7%]
[On Glory's Edge] The Archives
FICTION BIO
Inspiration
by DayDreamerJoon
Featuring: Infinite
Type: Oneshot
Genre: Angst, Romance
Main Characters: Sunggyu, Woohyun
Status: Complete
Rated: None
Warnings: None
by DayDreamerJoon
Type: Oneshot
Genre: Angst, Romance
Main Characters: Sunggyu, Woohyun
Status: Complete
Rated: None
Warnings: None
DESCRIPTION
In which Sunggyu’s life is invaded by a person dripping with liveliness that he can’t help but record Woohyun’s endeavors on paper, to keep them forever etched into a permanent slate that will keep the memories relivable.
EXCERPT
They held an air of playfulness, an aura of joy that children embodied in their toddler years. His eyes curved upward, portraying innocence that Sunggyu had never seen in any human over the age of five. The swirling color resembled mud, yet it shone as bright as the blazing sun that created beads of sweat that currently trickled down Sunggyu’s forehead.
“His name’s Nam Woohyun,”
Story Review by Quicksand (266/300 - 88.7%)
Title (17/20)
I can certainly see the relationship between your title and story; the way Woohyun is Sunggyu's inspiration and vice-versa, though one thing that I thought could have improved the impact of this title was more connection with your story. Though the connection between the title and the story is evident and deep, it doesn't seem very strong to me--of course, it's not necessarily because of the title, I'll explain what I mean more in the structure and mechanics section. There were quite a few recurring themes and images in your story and what I'm basically saying is that since these come up so much in your story, a title that includes or is related to these themes would have a much stronger connection to your story. Like I said, this is probably best touched upon in the structure and mechanics section.
The next thing I noted about your title was its simplicity--of course, this isn't a bad thing and I certainly wouldn't say that a simple title is a bad title, though it's one that is easily lost amongst other titles. It's not the most common title in the world, though I'm certain that there are other stories with the same title and that makes it less likely to be singled out or noticed. In addition, the word Inspiration lacks impact--it's not a title that makes you unusually curious about a story nor is it something that hits you in the face and makes you take explicit note of a story. As I said before, it's somewhat of a weak title and this is the second reason why--it doesn't grab as much interest as it could. I'm afraid I don't hsve suggestions for you at the present moment, but perhaps something that makes use of the word maturity, as that appears quite frequently in your story? Or even something that is linked to rain, seeing as rain appears to crop up in this story quite a bit as well.
Foreword and Description (39/40)
I really just have nothing to fault you on for the description and foreword; I loved the description, it's a wonderful example of quality over quantity. Though short, it's well-written, relevant and still leaves the reader curious to know what is going to happen in the story. My only complaint, though very minor would be that your description is made up of one sentence and it's a fairly long sentence at that too. Maybe breaking it down would be an idea worth considering, though it would have to be done without compromising on the quality of the writing which is of utmost importance. I didn't find it hard to understand, of course, just that it makes your description seem a tiny bit rushed. That being said, I doubt a lot of readers would be that baffled by the desription or it's length, so as I said before, it's just a tiny thing worth considering.
I absolutely loved your foreword! I love the imagery as well as your ability to link ideas--like the feel of Woohyun's name on Sunggyu's tongue being similar to the taste of warm chocolate Sunggyu steals from his roommate ... from simply reading the description, I--as a reader--felt satisfied. Your foreword also gives me a good impression of your story, which is important; your foreword is the first taste of a story a reader receives so it's important to make that first impression a good one lest they decide to stop reading. In short, nothing much to fault you on; amazing writing and my curiosity has been piqued at this point.
Readability (35/40)
Let me start off by saying that I didn't struggle to read your story at all; I didn't find myself questioning the meaning of anything and though it's not a fluid one-shot, I didn't have any trouble following the series of vignettes either. I did however find some minor flaws that did hidnder how much I enjoyed your story and caused me mild confusion--these are things that don't affect how well your story is understood but detract from it's quality. I know the criteria doesn't require you to have perfect grammar to score well in this section, however to say, someone who speaks English as a second language, these are errors that could hinder their ability to understand your work and that's why I'm addressing these issues in this section rather than the structure and mechancis one. So, to begin with:
Minor spelling mix-ups: This wasn't a frequent error in your work, though in some places certain mix-ups with words cropped up. For instance "his damp hair dripping in his eyes though he refused to take refugee". Now I understand if this is a typo and I know they tend to creep into everyone's work, but it's the sort of typo that people don't pick up on easily and that leads to confusion. My only suggestion would be MS Word; I think Word would easily pick up on little things like that, though there are certain kinds of errors it doesn't notice and to overcome those, you could try reading your work out loud to yourself or having a friend read it (after all, two pairs of eyes work better than one). I also came across one instance of "you're" being used instead if "your" (“You’re brother’s great!”) which can also be prevented by using the aforementioend method.
Wrong word choice: These sort of errors were also not very frequent in your work (I think I only found two instances), however they're a little more serious than the aforementioned sort because these are a lot harder to identify as errors and sometimes confuse even native speakers. So the first thing I found was "He store at the empty seat" which should have been "He stared at the empty seat" as the past tense of the verb to stare is stared. The only other instance I found was "burning among his lips as he ran his tongue over them" which should have been "burning on/across his lips ... ". It's also not only the fact that this word choice makes it hard to understand what you're saying but also how these words used in these contexts seem awkward to people who speak English fluently and that disrupts the flow of your story. To counter this sort of an issue, my only advice would be either reading your work out loud to yourself or having a friend look over it because Word won't pick up on errors of this type.
And lastly, the smallest of issues I found in your work under this section, the order of adjectives! Now because English is a weird language, adjectives need to be listed in a certain order or else the sentence just seems awkward. For instance, you can only say "the little red truck" not "the red little truck" because the latter has an odd ring to it. I only found one instance of this in your work ("his pink, plump lips smiled" which should have been "his plump pink lips ... ").
Characterization (48/50)
Beautiful characterisation! I really don't have much more than that to say; I loved the balance between eccentricity, humour and maturity in Sunggyu and the childish and teasing nature of Woohyun. If there's one aspect of our rubric you've succeeded in (you've certainly succeeded in more than one), it's characterisation. There's no character that seemed unrealistic or in any way unbelievable. Their responses to the events in their life is very relatable and understandable, as was the way they handled conflict and their thought processes. I really had no trouble relating to them either; I think they had quite human feelings and fears and desires and really, as both a reader and reviewer I was very pleased with (and entertained by) what I saw. In addition, in no way did your characters fit tropes or seem cliche at all. The only thing I might say would be that Sungyeol who makes a somewhat significant appearance in the story is a bit flat, but the story is centred around Woohyun and Sunggyu who were amazingly characterised, so ... that's not quite a flaw. Seriously, celebrate. I'm usually never this attached to characters.
The only reason I'm taking two points off is because until the story switches to Woohyun's point of view (which is past the halfway mark) Woohyun seems a little flat as a character--this could be because we only see him through Sunggyu's eyes until that point and he just seems like this ... intriguing yet perfect being for obvious reasons. It doesn't go overboard, though we can't really see his charm until later in the story. Of course, this also has little to do with characterisation and more to do with how the story was written.
Another thing I liked was the simplicity and inncence of this story--there aren't dark, angsty themes like murder or anorexia annd you reveal very well how even tiny things like rumours or maybe a lie or two can really affect human beings. You exploit that very well to humanise both your characters and ... honestly, that's just amazing. I don't have anything more to say on the matter. c:
Originality (20/30)
When it comes down to plot, I really can't think of how your story is original, I'm afraid. I think the whole idea of beautiful love and then one party breaking the trust the other has in him/her but that party being unable to apologise because of their sudden and accidental death (usually by being hit by a car) has been done quite a lottttt--there's so much of it floating around that I'm not sure why it doesn't have a genre dedicated to itself ("accidental death romance" doesn't sound that appealing, I suppose). So yeah, with the events that take place in your story, not a lot of it is original, however, I can see that you've put your own spin on it so it's not entirely cliche. The setting is a refreshing change from the numerous highschool AU stories that float around AFF and the very fact that you've had your characters be affected by smaller and more simple things, like the rumour about Woohyun is what separates your story from a lot of others. In addition, your characterisation is anything but cliche--none of your characters fit into tropes or anything and they experience such real, human feelings such as Sunggyu trying to convince himself that Woohyun's drawning was his favourite or Woohyun realising that he was stubborn and childish and got in only because his uncle was the dean. So yeah, even though your plot was cliche and the ending was not ... something I would say I adored, but not something that turned me off either, I found a lot of unique aspects present in your story.
Plotline (80/90)
So for the most part, it was quite a solid plotline--there weren't any inconsistencies or plotholes and it was a fairly enjoyable plot. I personally didn't think it was predicatable per se, however I will admit that the ending, much like the title was weak. I can see the necessity in Sunggyu's death, however I would have much preferred for it to not be by a car accident, which is quite common. Maybe something like Sunggyu being mugged and then being stabbed on his way back? Maybe a construction site accident leading to a ledge falling on his head?
I'm really just clutching at straws here, however being killed by a car is really ... cliche. I know how he dies isn't of prime importance to the plot, but it's just one of those tiny things worth thinking about. The remainder of the plot is not exactly 'original' either but it's still quite enjoyable nonetheless, as a result of you wonderful writing style as well as your intricate and believable characterisation. I really like how you brought back the contrast between Woohyun's maturity and naivete in the ending, that really sets the whole story into perspective for the reader. However the ending was also somewhat of a cliche--to have Woohyun read Sunggyu's thoughts after his death without being able to apologise to him isn't exactly fresh. I didn't mind your execution of it--it wasn't cheesy, which pleased me and as I mentioned before, you brought back the point about maturity and naivete, however maybe something less passive and stronger would impact more on the reader.
In summary, well done--though cliche, your plot was solid and enjoyable and I'm really only taking points off for the car crash and the ending which I was and still am a little on the fence abot.
Structure / Mechanics (22/30)
I didn't come across too many issues and I absolutely adore the way you describe settings, actions and scenery, though as I mentioned in the readability section, save for the last one, these are little problems that detract from the quality of your story. That being said your vocabulary is amazing and overall, I really enjoyed the way this story was written.
Slightly confusing imagery was the first thing I found. I think this is linked to slightly odd word choice. For instance, you used the word "crisp" to describe the clouds at the very beginning but clouds tend to be quite shapeless and puffy, so the word crisp in relation to clouds strikes me as odd and it's not an easy image to picture. Another example is "A giddy air filled Sunggyu’s mind" which is more a difficult sensation to imagine more than a picture. It's more or less the placing of the word "air" beside "giddy" when the term "feeling" might have suited it better. The term air gives the idea of an impression or maybe an 'aura', as in "there was a confident air to her" or "there was a mystifying air to him". I couldn't find any other instances where anything you described was hard to imagine, so it's safe to say this problem isn't a recurring one. I'd really just suggest being more careful about your choice of adjective when describing anything--keep asking yourself if an adjective you used sounds weird or not or if it fits or if there's a better alternative.
I also found another minor thing and that is that you tend to personify body parts--what I mean is that you show actions by having body parts perform these actions. One example is "his pink, plump lips smiled" which really should be "his plump pink lips curved into a smile"--it's not his lips that are smiling, it's he who is and he's having his lips curve into one. Another example is "his hand retracted from Sunggyu's shoulder" which should be "he retracted his hand from Sunggyu's shoulder". Again, it's Woohyun's who's performing the action, not his hand; his hand is the intermediary device that allows for it to happen. Like with the above issue, this isn't a common error in your writing and aside from regular reminding yourself and asking yourself about your word choice, you could have someone else look over it just to point out instances you might have missed.
At some points your sentence structure is somewhat redundant as well; this includes both using punctuation that isn't necessary as well as include words that just don't need to be there. This doesn't make it grammatically incorrect nor is it hard to understand, but think of it as 't the fat'--it makes you writing all the more conise and smoother and helps it flow better. For instance this sentence fragment--"it wasn’t friendly – though nor was it vile."can easily be written without the dash and even the 'though'; it would make sense even as just "it wasn't friendly nor vile" or you could include the 'though' to generate effect and have it read "it wasn't friend though neither was it vile" instead. The dash makes it seem cluttered and forces the reader to pause when it's unnecessary which significantly hinders the flow of your story.
And finally I think you could have used more symbols and motifs through your work. I mentioned in the 'Title' section that I would talk about your title. As I said then, I can see the connection but I would have preferred to see that connection strengthened by you adding imagery or symbols that are related to inspiration. Or if you'd rather, motifs that depict inspiration would work as well--the point is to have your title represented either subtly or boldly in your work but to have it establish a strong connection with it anyway, and regularly having what your title signifies shown in your work is a way of establishing that strong connection. A few other areas you could have explored and used symbols or imagery or motifs include maturity; this is a theme that cropped up a lot in your story and it's evident that it is significant to your story. To display this significance even further, you could link imagery to the theme of maturity and make use of that image (and if this image is repeated, it becomes a motif). If you wished to, you could also link a deeper meaning to the rain and connect that with your plotline or even your title--the rain revealed some of Sunggyu's eccentric nature and comes up during two significant events in his life, so attaching a deeper meaning to it would most certainly be worth it and would express your ideas in a more intriguing way; one that's likely to get readers thinking.
Bonus (+5)
Excellent word-choice and depiction of actions. I really loved the way you described even tiny things like Woohyun chewing on his lip ("gnawed at by the white perfection of his teeth") as well as some of the imagery used. All I really can say is interesting writing style and wonderful use of vocabulary ^^! I was blown away by some of the imagery used and the word choice, though as aforementioned, slightly awkward, was still like a breath of fresh air in my lungs--do you know that feeling when you read someone's writing and you think, "oh this is a really common way of expressing this feeling"? I didn't feel that at all when reading your story.
Reader's View
As a reader, it was quite hard for me to not like this story; the balance between action, emotional development and dialogue was perfect as was the amount of description! The character interactions and personalities were wonderful--they seemed so real, but deep and meaningful but not gratuitous at the same time. Really, the only things that prevented this story from being an absolutely mindblowing one were incredibly minor--and maybe things that just aren't my cup of tea as a reader--and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it :).
Additional Comments / Final Score (266/300 - 88.7%)
I don't really have much to add aside form the fact that this was a great story and I'm so sorry for how long it's taken me to finish this review :c.
Credit
Don't forget to credit back to our shop, link required!
Comments