(The Girl Who Wants Death) Positive points: In terms of grammar and capitalization/spelling, the title is fine. You did not erratically capitalize the words, spell anything wrong, or add symbols so well done!

Your title is so simple and outgoing. There is not any symbolism or anything, which is not so bad. People, who are not interested in poetry, would not have a difficult time trying to figure out what the meaning behind it is.

It fits the storyline, did not reveal much of the plot and fits the theme angst. I would definitely click on your title if I see it when scrolling down the Kai fictions (but that might be because I am addicted to stories with self-harm, death, and depression in it).

Negative points: In terms of length, the title was long (I usually have mines between one to three words). Now, I still to one word because describing a lot in one word is hard but if you find a word, you will feel a sense of relaxation. However, some readers are so young that they barely understand the word.

Suggestions - a death wish: this is because she wants to die so badly. It would be like a dream come through if she dies, which is quite sad.

demon within an angel: a title with meaning. An Angel is light and pretty, which is what Sunhi is. She is pretty on the outside but within she is as dark as a Demon because she does all these harsh things to herself.

(These are just suggestion; you do not have to see them.)

To conclude, sixteen isn't a bad score so keep the title. In the future, to get full marks, you have to work a little on the symbolism (by the way, I am into poetry) and the length. 

Note: I don't understand why every angst story I review has a description in first person ^_^!

Positives: I like how you put death alone in a separate paragraph. It gives it more emphasis and invites the reader in. It also sets the theme, and did not

The way you contrasted Sunhi to other girls was quite fascinating. You gave her a character introduction without a character profile, which was nice. I personally would hate you if you added a character profile!

The foreword was alright. You credited well and added an author's note. It would be preferable if you wrote down your inspirations, though. You dwelled into a serious topic so there must be a great inspiration behind it. People would want to know, I mean I did.

Negatives: Usage of first person. A description is similar to a bulb in a book. If you go to the back of any book you have at home, you will be able to notice that none of them are in first person. True writing would be inspired and based on published books, in my opinion. However, this is entirely up to you.

Corrections: 'Or' is a connective, therefore, you shouldn't start a new sentence with it. Therefore, the sentence should be something like this; Girls usually want pretty clothes, cute things, and the perfect boyfriend.

However looking at it from how you wrote it, there is another mistake. 'Girls usually want pretty and cute things.' Make sure you put the 'and' in because it would be grammatically wrong otherwise.

Suggestions - Most teenage girls would usually want pretty, and cute things. They would also love to be rich, famous and have a perfect boyfriend.

Sunhi is a girl that only wants one thing. Death. (If you want it in first person, you can change the second paragraph a little and say: I'm a girl that only strives for one thing. Death.)

Usage of colour isn't right either. While it is not a huge offense like using multiple bright colours, it can be a bit hard on the eyes if you spend too long looking at it. Black is something you should stick with, no matter what it is (foreword, description, author's note). 

There were only a few spelling mistakes I spotted throughout the story. 'Anyways' is not a word. It is an American expression (slang). The correct way of spelling it is 'Anyway'. You kept making that mistake, repeatedly. I understand you were unaware though.

'Gonna' and 'Wanna' are slang. Although they were in speech, I think you should still spell them right. Since they are actually talking in Korean, when translated into English, you should not add slang. (Do I make sense?)

In terms of grammar, you kept switching tenses. I used to do that when I was young but with the aid of a teacher, I was able to stop. I was confused whether you were using past or present tense. Mainly it was past but then there are few places where used something otherwise. For example: (first chapter) My clothes aren’t black anymore. This is not in past tense. It is supposed to be 'my clothes weren't black anymore'.

You, also, overused the term ‘but’. Even though it’s a connective, you used it to begin a sentence. Try to connect the sentence and if you want to create a dramatic pause, use a comma instead. You can always use the term ‘however’, though.

Other than those, I did not find any other mistakes. Maybe there are mistakes in there but I was too intrigued into the story to notice. Anyway, we are all human and we all make mistakes! 

Note: I am so glad that none of the characters was a Mary Sue.

Sunhi - I enjoyed reading everything from her perspective. Many authors give the lead that cuts herself so many problems. However, you gave enough. Sometimes, problems did over flood but to make up for that you made her suicide again. If I was in her position, and I had as many problems, I would have been the path I took as well. It is nice to see reality in that character. Sunhi was fully rounded; she had moments of happiness and moments of sadness.

Jongin - At first, I thought he was such a cliché character. I thought he is just going to be another cold dude, with a dark aroma but after finishing the story, I loved his character as well. His feelings towards her was strong that it could not be compared to the other girls he dated. I liked how you showed two sides of him as the dancer and as a friend. It just brought a different feel to the story as a whole.

Sehun - Sehun was too smiley for Sehun. In reality, I do not think Sehun smiled as much. I would prefer it if you added little elements of Sehun we see on reality shows to this fiction but anyhow, I liked the way he was portrayed. I am glad you didn't make Sehun back down on his feelings for her. Sometimes, the jealous extra dude would just give up his love for his friend but Sehun didn't do that. He, then, finally asked her out in the end.

I especially liked Mitsuki's character. The role she played took away a bit of romance in the story, which is good. Seriously, you did a great job with characterization! It was perfect. 

Your story was original. I read many angst fictions but never came across one where the female lead actually tries to kill herself to the very end. Complications, in other fictions, would slowly improve but, here, they just went up and down and up again.

The female lead did not end up with Jongin, which was unexpected. I heartily thought Jongin and Sunhi are going to be together and was disappointed they weren't. However, I was impressed you made that change.

The addition of Mitsuki was a very good idea.

Something was a little off though. When she entered the dance studio, she immediately knew it was a boy, how? It might have been a girl. You described the hoodie as though it was big because it covered most of Jongin's face. That was a little confusing. In addition, whenever they were in a direst moment, they bump into each other.

They all lived, weirdly, close to each other. The believability of this story is quite lacking. 

The theme romance balanced the angst side. It was perfectly executed. Just when I thought she might not try anything again, she cuts herself. Whenever I start thinking she is going to change, I always am proved wrong. Even in the end, I was taken aback with that twist. Everything was well developed. Everything links together and I understand the reason behind her depression.

It kept me interested till the very end. It is definitely worth reading! I became an angst reviewer to read story of such intensity of depression. I'm glad you gave this in for review after you finished it because without the whole story, I don't think it would have gained full marks.

Paragraphing was inapposite in some places. New paragraphs are supposed to be made when you start in on a new topic, you skip to a new time, you skip to a new place, a new person begins to speak, or you want to produce a dramatic effect.

Most of the places, I was impressed by the usage of words. However, in other places, I thought you could have used better words.

Instead of switching pov all the time, you could've used third person. It would have been easier and much neater. When I was reading a chapter (where it was Sunhi’s first day) at school, my friend was reading with me. Since you repeated the scene in Sunhi’s and Kai’s pov, my friend actually thought, the scene wasn’t repeated but said all over again for another person. It was funny she thought that because I immediately knew what was happening. However, this shows that it might confuse people. I did realize, though, that you only did that once.

I personally like the idea around your story and not the story itself because of your lack-of-description writing style. Everyone has his or her own style, I understand that. However, in places your style lacked detail.

There was a variety of sentence structure, which was good. You used a vary of length and in places where it created an impact.

I gave you five points for the following reasons: your poster was nice, the characters were well executed, they layout was simple, and the plot was just amazing. I enjoyed reading this to the fullest. First angst fiction (reviewed) that truly enjoyed. 

Omg ^^! I can finally spazz! Ok, I just loved this fiction so much! The ending made me cry for god's sake! Nothing makes me cry, urg! This was just beautiful! I could not believe Jongin and Sunhi didn't end up together. How can you do that, authornim? Argh /staring you down to liquid/.

I was a little sneaky and, um, looked at the ending of the sequel just to find out if she was still alive and if she ends up with Jongin! Whoop whoop, she does. I will start reading the whole thing when I finished with all my reviews and homework T_T. Anyway, thank you for sharing the fiction. 

I didn’t expect you to get anything below ninety percent. Anyway, good luck with your future writings!

Keep smiling and stay blessed! xD