Magic. That was what I thought when I saw this title on the review form. Automatically I was captivated by it. Just the simple phrasing of it and the way it rolled of my tongue was enough for me to be bound by its elegance and hinted grace. After getting over the initial impression of it, the first thing I did was Google what reverie meant. The result was not one I expected and right now I’d like to thank you for introducing me to this word. It holds so many possibilities and currently it is one of my favorite words. The point is, this title is captivating, especially for people that know what reverie actually means. That being said, I also think reverie is a perfect word to define in your description / foreword as it sheds light on your entire fanfic as a whole and illuminates a different view on your fanfiction that without knowing the definition of reverie, the reader would not have gotten.

Past that, this is a title that can only truly be appreciated after the actual reading of the story. At first I saw this title as beautiful but after reading your actual oneshot I saw this title as perfect and symbolic, representative of your fanfic as a whole. Krystal is forever buried under her reverie and that ultimately destroys her – or perhaps releases her from her cage of suffering depending on your perspective. Regardless, this title is an accurate reflection of your actual story and I’ll be talking more about reverie in itself down below in I believe characterization, plotline, as well as mechanics so I’ll leave that for later.

The once problem I do have with your title is this: I believe that there should be a ‘the’ before reverie in order for it to be grammatically correct. That being said, I think it sounds prettier the way you have it now but after finding out the actual definition and searching up how to use it in sentences, the grammatically error bothers me every so slightly.

First of all, I’d like to commend you on this description and foreword. It is certainly an improvement from Unthriving Vow and a different style as well. Personally I prefer this type of style when it comes to your writing.

Let’s start with the description. First, almost at once you captivate me with your high vocabulary and description choices. Your diction is certainly impressive and while that isn’t a selling point in all stories, it definitely helps to supplement the beauty that you are about to convey. The benefits to use pure description and beauty in this is the fact that you leave much to interpretation. That can be a good thing for the readers that enjoy it, do beware though, that there are readers out there that this type of style may not appeal to. However, I assume you are clear in the type of readers you are trying to target. For me, I could sense a taste and tinge of poetry in the sentences and that in itself is brilliant.

However, you do have a couple of mistakes that I’ll just quickly point out below:

With a smile, determination, certitude, and a rapturous feeling she had once thrown away, Krystal held onto the hope as she neared the sheen, not realizing that she was withering under the shade of the reverie.

So the issue here was the use of the. I’m not the best at explaining the rules with the usage of the as it is something that comes to me due to the fact that I am a native speaker. Here’s my best attempt at an explanation, though I do suggest you look it up on Google or another search engine. You do not need ‘the’ in front of hope because we are not talking about a specific hope but rather hope in general. On the other hand, you do need the word ‘the’ in front of reverie as reverie is a noun that means daydream – we are referring to a specific daydream so the serves as an article. (Similar to the reason I’d add a ‘the’ to your title.)

That aside, I think that you chose three very appropriate sentences for the description. It definitely captures attention and automatically brings a few important questions to the reader’s mind. First, why is Krystal stuck in throes and despondency? Next, what is this light that she sees? Third, why is the light actually just a reverie? Creating these questions in the mind of the reader is extremely important as it encourages them to read on so I applaud you on this point. I particular enjoyed your last clause in your last sentence – withering under the shade of the reverie is a very beautiful and lyric clause. Withering offsets the implications of reverie and create a striking contrast that helps to set it apart.

On the foreword. The formatting of it is perfection. The way you separated the sentence into two lines and added ellipses add to the overall effect of suspense and mystery. The reader is drawn to the already established conflict and edged to read further. I do not have much to say on this foreword other than the fact that it was handled with extreme poise and grace. Wonderful job.

I have to tell you right off the bat that you’ve improved. I was so impressed and pleased reading this because you have improved so much. In Unthriving Vow my greatest criticism on your grammar was your tendency to have logical fallacies, in this fanfic though, you manage to eliminate the vast majority them. It pleases me to no end to see that you have improved. You do still have some grammatical errors though, so I will be correcting them below. And just a note before we get started, please make your font size bigger, it’s a horrible strain on the eyes and really decreases ascetic appeal.

 

She woke up with a smile plastered on her wan face.
She woke up with a smile plastered on her wan face.

This is a stylistic choice more than anything else. When we say woke, we naturally assume the up so there is no need to put it there. Having it makes it seem slightly redundant.

 

That it was a mere nightmare and it's coming to an end because she found the source of light to illuminate her tenebrous schlep.
That it was a mere nightmare and that it was coming to an end because she found the source of light to illuminate her tenebrous schlep.

We are using past tense here so ‘it’s’ should also be past tense. In this particular sentence it would also be more effective to stick to parallel sentence structure.

 

She found a hope, the courage to finally break the cage that had trapped her for so long.
She found a hope, the courage to finally break the cage that had trapped her for so long.

Hope really isn’t quantifiable like that. It is an intangible object that exists merely as a thought, thus, it doesn’t really make sense to use a in an attempt to measure it.

 

It was okay to skip lunch because mom would understand and so did Jessica.
It was okay to skip lunch because mom would understand and so would Jessica.

We have a break in structure in this sense. We start out with mom would but then you later say so did Jessica. However, because we are asserting something Krystal assumes to be true about later on, it would be best to stick with would, rather than through in so did.

 

It was okay to put more makeup than usual, to finally choose a tad revealing ivory dress, to let her hair loose and curled even though he liked it tied. 
It was okay to put more makeup than usual, to finally choose a tad revealing ivory dress, to let her hair fall in loose curls even though he liked it tied. 

The problem here is that you are trying to say that her hair will be both let down and curled, however, by phrasing it as let her hair loose and curled, in effect, you are stating let her hair curled as the verb applies to both loose and curled. You can’t let hair curled because that doesn’t make grammatical sense. A better way to write this would be ‘fall in loose curls’ as it connects both of your thoughts.

 

Krystal nodded her head, a genuine smile had yet to leave her face.
Krystal nodded her head, a genuine smile still present on her face.

There is nothing inherently wrong with your original wording, but I found it to be a tad bit awkward in terms of phrasing.

 

A pair of beige wedges was supporting her feet; her off-white dress dangled to reveal the pallid skin of her thighs as the wind sneaked in through the opened windows. 
A pair of beige wedges was supporting her feet; her off-white dress dangled, revealing the pallid skin of her thighs as the wind sneaked in through the opened windows. 

To me, when you write ‘dangled to’, it implies that the dress dangled with the goal of reveal her skin in mind, but the dress does not have this goal because it is an inanimate object. Thus I would make it less personal.

 

"You haven't been out since ... then. Are you sure you've fully recovered, honey?" she said, her voice was as soft and cushy as it’s always been.
"You haven't been out since ... then. Are you sure you've fully recovered, honey?" She asked, her voice was as soft and cushy as it always was.

Since the sentence ended in the dialogue – hence the punctuation mark – she should be capitalized. Also, because the dialogue encompassed a question, you should use some variant of asked rather than said. Lastly, we are in past tense – there is more than one way to word this – so you should not have it’s.

 

Krystal smiled in response, her hands (vanilla scented, must have been the excessive use of body lotion) moved to grab her mother's before she gave it a small squeeze.
Krystal smiled in response, her hands (vanilla scented, must have been the excessive use of body lotion) moved to grab her mother's before she gave them a small squeeze.

Because you originally talk about Krystal’s hands and then say ‘mother’s’ we see this as indication that Krystal grabbed her mother’s hands – thus you cannot use it as it is singular and hands is plural.

 

Her mother smiled back, tears suddenly falling to flood her entire face. "You're back."
Her mother smiled back, tears suddenly falling, flooding her entire face. "You're back."

Flooding of her mother’s face was not the goal of the tears but simply the result, thus, you should not use ‘to flood’ but rather ‘flooding’.

 

Since he was not answering her texts nor picking up her calls, Krystal decided to stop by his flat. He must have been there right now, at room 441, sleeping or doing nothing – she was certain it was either one of them – or perhaps trying to burn the house for the numerous times, though he had promised he would never try to cook again.
Since he was not answering her texts nor picking up her calls, Krystal decided to stop by his flat. He must have been there right now, at room 441, sleeping or doing nothing – she was certain it was either one of them – or perhaps trying to burn the house for the nth time, even though he had promised her that he would never try to cook again.

‘For the numerous times’ doesn’t really work since it is trying to combine two uncomplimentary thoughts. For the nth time is actually more commonly used in math but it serves the purpose in getting across the message you are trying to in this sentence. It basically just means a lot of times.

 

Pizzas or Chinese food would occupy the wooden table in front of them with some glass of cokes or spites or wines being served.
Pizzas or Chinese food would occupy the wooden table in front of them along with some glasses of coke, sprite, or wine.

Firstly, there is no one serving them so you don’t need serve. They are at home not at a restaurant. Also, since there is more than one glass you should use glasses rather than glass. Next, since glasses is already plural there is no need to make coke, sprite, or wine plural.

 

His hand would slip through the back of her shirt and rested on her waist; hers would be placed on the top of his torso.
His hand would slip through the back of her shirt and rest on her waist; hers would be placed on the top of his torso.

You need to make sure that your verbs agree thus rest is more appropriate in this case.

 

She would do the same; messing his brown, hazel locks and placed her small hands to cover his face afterwards, saying that it was always better not to show his countenance because he looked terribly pale and ugly.
She would do the same; messing up his brown, hazel locks and placing her small hands to cover his face afterwards, saying that it was always better not to show his countenance because he looked terribly pale and ugly.

Your verbs have to agree.

 

He would tell her she was being ridiculous, but she would insist that it's true, albeit she was trying to hide the fact that he looked too perfect – the softness of his tan skin, the depth of his peculiar eyes, the iness of his red lips – he looked too perfect that it hurt her eyes.
He would tell her she was being ridiculous, but she would insist that it's true, albeit she was trying to hide the fact that he looked too perfect – the softness of his tan skin, the depth of his peculiar eyes, the iness of his red lips – he looked so perfect that it hurt her eyes to stare at him for too long.

When we are saying one thing occurs because of another we use so not too. Example: the cake was so good I had to eat it rather than the cake was too good I had to eat it. Also, this sentence could be improved by adding what she did to make her eyes her (stare at him).

 

They would stay like that all night long, on that very position, with the TV still on.
They would stay like that all night long, in that very position, with the TV still on.

When talking about position, the proper descriptor would be in not on.

 

How dare you, Krystal thought, how dare you take him away from me and now asking a question that makes no sense?!
How dare you, Krystal thought, how dare you take him away from me and now ask me questions that make no sense?!

I’m not sure how to explain besides saying that this phrasing is more grammatically correct.

 

the woman's voice was utterly loud and its pitch was too high that it hurt Krystal’s ears.
The woman's voice was utterly loud and her pitch so high that it hurt Krystal’s ears.

First of all, since the sentence ended in the dialogue, the should be capitalized. Also, since we are using a cause and effect structure, so should be used instead of too. As for why I chose its to her, it is because it is her voice that is too high not the voice itself that is too high.

 

Her vision was blurred; the surrounding air felt so tight and packed like it was trying to choke her to death.
Her vision was blurred; the surrounding air felt so tight and packed like it was trying to choke her to death.

Since you are little using the phrase ‘like it was’, so would not be appropriate.

 

It frightened her that no one was there to pull her back, to revert her to her normal state, to drive her back home and guide her to her room, place her on her bed, cover her with the pink blanket, kiss her on the forehead, whisper her a soft good night, caressing her hair until she fell asleep and be there when she woke up the next morning.
It frightened her that no one was here to pull her back, to revert her to her normal state, to drive her back home and guide her to her room, to place her on her bed, to cover her with her pink blanket, to kiss her on the forehead, to whisper her a soft good night, to caress her hair until she fell asleep and be there when she woke up the next morning.

You should keep your verbs in line in this sentence since you are going for a repetitive style. Thus parallel structure would be best.

 

A few months prior, though, he didn’t text her as frequent.
A few months prior, though, he stopped texting her as frequently.

Because it is Kai stopping a previous action we should transition into it as stopped rather than didn’t. In context it makes more sense. Also, frequent is incorrect since you are using it as an adverb in this case so it must be frequently.

 

But that was during the old time and he wasn’t there to text her now.
But that was during the old times and he wasn’t here to text her now.

We don’t know what there means, here is a better choice since it means that Kai is still present. Also, time should be times since we are referring to their entire past together as a collective.

 

When her hope gradually disappeared, her world was starting to shatter.
As her hope gradually disappeared, her world started to shatter.

Basically, as would be more appropriate since we are talking about cause and effect.

 

Over all your grammar has improved dramatically. I think the area you now need to focus on is tense consistency. Once you get that down, you will be well off to pursing a great future in English writing.

I actually just want to give you my take on Krystal’s character before I critique you since she actually quite interests me. Skip if you want, this is just me writing out my thoughts on her as a way of expressing my emotions about this fanfic and my interpretation of it (which in no way shape or form is correct – you as the author most likely have a different interpretation).

Krystal is a conflicted girl. Before Kai’s death she lost herself completely in him. I believe that to some extent, she was perhaps even reliant and dependent on his support. This is probably partially caused by the death of her father. She needed someone to confide in and that someone had to come from outside her own family, as they would only remind her further of the loss of her father. Kai’s death ruined her. It was like an added second blow after already once losing someone important to her. She became soulless, lost, mindless and unable to brighten herself up again. Krystal was unable to accept Kai’s death – to any degree – and thus refused to acknowledge it at all. In the end, she generates a false reality for herself in which she becomes convinced that Kai is still alive and that his death was nothing but a false nightmare. The reverie that she paints for herself becomes her new reality as the events in the real world turns into the dream. It can then be said, that in a certain sense, Krystal is a coward. She is unwilling to accept change and too weak to move on. Thus, she chooses instead to lose herself in a dream where she will not have to pain as much.

But this dream takes over her until she no longer realizes that it is only a dream. Pushed by the hope she obtains, she goes to Kai’s flat to ‘relive’ her reverie in reality. But she is shattered when she discovered that her reverie was never real. To me, though, I felt as though Krystal always knew this, but despite such she held on to that last strand of hope – thus, she is a dreamer.

In the end, she is also selfish. She recognizes the love her sister and mom have for her and knows better than anyone else how much they will pain upon losing her, yet she goes thorough with her actions regardless because she can no longer bear the pain of living another day without Kai.

Her story became one of discovering that reality would always exist, and that perhaps death was the only way to escape it.

The simple fact that I was able to write so much on Krystal sheds light on the fact that your characterization of her was quite strong. From her shattered thoughts to her reasoning, from her emotions to her divided state of mind, everything was logically thought out and depicted in amazing detail. I felt like I could envision her completely. It was a good feeling. You made her so complex yet so easy to analyze that I was pushed to write about her in this review simply because your job on her was so thorough.

Two other characters that boosted your score on this section are Jessica and Krystal’s mom. True, they were supporting characters, but through them we can perceive the love that family members have for each other and the strength of that bond when one of the pieces break. I thought that their addition was a vital one to your story and without them, your story would not have gotten the score that it did.

In the end, the reason you lost points was because of Kai. I could not help but feel disappointed that he was not developed more. In fact, I have difficulty speaking of him at all due to the lack of information given about him. If anything, I know simply that he likes baseball…a lot. While it is true that his development (lack of) does not hurt your story over all since your story is focused more on the internal conflicts of Krystal, my lack of connection to him caused me to become nonchalant to the relationship he and Krystal shared and thus decreased the overall impact of your story on me.

I cannot say that your plot was the most original out there, but it definitely cannot be considered cliché in the least. From the very beginning you set out differently than most fics do and you take us on a journey that is based solidly on the psychological nature of humans. You do have to understand though, that psychological / depression fanfics do not become original simply because of their genre. AFF has just as many depression fics as romantic comedies. There are a few things you do well, your languid language, for example, helps makes your fanfic stand out. Your conclusion also helps bring out the difference between your plot and other plots. I can’t exactly say that all of your plot twists managed to surprise me or catch me off-guard, but they were certainly appreciated.

Past all of this however, there was not much differentiating your plot from other depression fics out there. We see many fics in which the love interest of the main character dies from disease and the other is left withering in pain from the separation. Still though, I did not take off many points as I felt as though you have already done more than most in this category. No plot can be entirely original so do not dwell much on this.

Plot. This is the one section on this review that I cannot compliment you enough on. I tend to be extremely critical of plots since this is the area I love most and past plot, I believe a story holds nothing. To tell you the truth, your plotline itself is quite basic. We have a guy who died and a girl who loves him still, depressed and this ultimately leads to her suicide. But, I fell in love with the way you implemented this plot.

First, you did not tell us Kai was dead in the beginning. So many authors nowadays chose to reveal everything in the beginning but that just takes away all the fun. You literally had me at the beginning. I knew that something was wrong but I did not know what. As she prepared for her date like a regular girl, I thought that she was normal, perhaps recovering from a depression caused by unknown reasons, but normal. You leave the reader without any notion of what is to come. This is a brilliant choice on your part, had you revealed Kai’s death from the very beginning I would have been a lot less captivated by your writing.

Second, you made use of a technique not enough AFF writers utilize: foreshadowing. That basically means you drop hints about what will happen in the future. The first hint came when she texted Kai and Kai did not respond. Already an alert goes off in the readers head but they are not yet fully aware of what exactly is dictated by this lack of response. The second hint came with Krystal’s mom. We are made aware that Krystal must have experienced something drastic due to her mom’s emotions and reactions. More importantly though, if the baseball jacket. This is easily one of my favorite parts in the fanfiction. When you have Krystal’s mom react to her daughter retrieving the baseball jacket…that moment, that moment was perfection in itself. I love this clue that you drop. Third, you introduce the women that is in Kai’s room. Perhaps the reader may be misled into thinking that Kai was cheating on Krystal and you certainly do a good deal of work in order to create this mislead, but this hints to the reader that something is horribly wrong.

Due to this careful foreshadowing, when you do reveal Kai’s true conditions, the reader is able to suddenly see how everything is connected. The moment of illumination in plot and the moment of connectivity in events is something brilliant that every author should aim for when writing and I believe you have to a certain extent, achieved that.

On a different note, I loved your conclusion.

A stab on the chest had never felt so painless…

As long as we reunite, my dear, as long as I see you again.

These two lines were gloriously done and perhaps became the two lines that touched me most in this piece. The reason is simple. These two lines reveal a notion that sometime love becomes so encompassing and heart break so severe that death itself may be preferred. But it goes further to suggest the view that perhaps we cannot between in life but then at least let us be together in death. I think that this is Krystal’s mindset as she finally chooses to end her life.

Throughout the piece we deal with the notion of Krystal in a constant denial, crafting a reverie for herself as she struggles to accept the reality that Kai is gone. To me, her reverie never ends. True, she comes to a realization after leaving Kai’s apartment flat, but in the end, her reverie continues. Even as she kills herself, she dies with the notion that perhaps somehow they can still be together in the end. Thus, even her death is just another extension of her long reverie. Due to this, I view her last lines as perfect as it brought an end to an idea established in the skeleton of this piece.

There was something that bothered me though, something I think took away from the impact that this piece could have given. Quite simply, it is the lack of interaction (flashbacks) between Krystal and Kai. I don’t understand their relationship. I don’t understand the extent to which their love runs and because of that, I can’t find it in my heart to feel sorry for them. I wish I could have cried because there are some concepts in this piece that I found heart wrenching, but I did not, simply because of the lack of connection I felt towards their relationship. The best angst writers do something extremely mean – they make happy moments, they shed light on the most beautiful aspects of a relationship…and then they shatter it. The heart of the reader hurts because there were beautiful moments. It is the crushing that comes with knowing what could have been. Thus, I wished there were more interaction between Krystal and Kai rather than just that one flashback to them watching baseball together.

I believe that one of my main criticisms for you last time was the balance between description and action. This time you do quite well in this balance and I feel as though the description was weighed perfectly in accordance with the action. There was not a moment in this fic that I was not attentive and I did not feel as though the story was dragging on. The flow was steady and just enough happened in just the right amount of time. You had a clear path that you were following that managed to tie everything together in the end and dramatically reveal that reality that Krystal tried to delude herself from. The slow foreshadowing and gradually revealing is a well done one and helps to keep the readers interested and concerned.

One of the best things about this fanfiction is your grasp of language. Your use of vocabulary really gives your story an air of sophistication. But even past that, the metaphors, similes, and various devices you use are brilliant implemented to just the right degree. Unlike last time, this time I was able to fully appreciate them as they were not overwhelming. But more importantly, the one thing that really stood out to me this time is your stylistic use of parenthesis. They were the perfect touch in the characterization of Krystal’s broken self.

Another thing I’d like to complement you on is the metaphoric sense of the reverie that you covered through the majority of this fic. Even though I wish you could have touched on the symbolism behind this concept more, I enjoyed it nonetheless. The reverie symbolizes an escape that Krystal deludes herself with, but ultimately, she is forced to wake from this daydream and it is then that we realize that perhaps it hurts more to obtain that happiness for a slight second only to lose it again than to have never regained it again in the first place. The shade of the reverie, to me, under my interpretation, is the darkness and fatality involved in the falseness of dreams and hope and I do wish that it was touched on more since I’m the type of person that loves reading about that stuff. But I feel like you did enough of it for the idea of the reverie to substantially supplement your actual plot.

I did take two points off for one particular aspect of your style, however. I understand the importance of repetition to add emphasis and create impact, I myself tend to repeat a lot in my writing in order to bring weight to a fact, but there are certain points in your writing that I think you over repeat. After a while, it becomes tiresome to read.

Five points for the texts at the end. They really helped bring the story together and reveal a different aspect to the story that the writing in itself did not. They brought a sense of unity to the plot as a whole and shed light to the type of person that Krystal was. Most importantly, they let us see what her last text was, which is vital. Also, I commend you for recognizing the fact that the text idea was not originally yours. Not many writers credit others for ideas and the fact that you did earns my respect.

Despite all of my compliments for your story, as a reader, I had a hard time enjoying it. Everything was there, everything was well throughout, laid out and manipulated, however, I had a hard time really enjoying it. A large part of this lies in the fact that I really felt nothing for Krystal and even less for Kai...they were slightly disconnected from me as I could not understand the extent of their love for each other. Due to this, I did not pain as I read your story. However, the one thing that did move me though, was the interaction between Krystal and her mother as well as Jessica. I was also touched by the addition of the texts at the end of the story. I'm glad you included that as I mentioned in the bonus section.

As someone who enjoys language and poetic prose, I loved your style, but in the end, that could not outweigh the fact that I felt extremely detached from this story. Perhaps that is just me though.

You've improved a drastic amount from Unthriving Vow to Under the Shade of Reverie. I am extremely proud of you! Continue to improve in the future, I can't wait to see what you come up with. You are a brilliant writer and I look forward to great things from you. Best of luck in the contest and thank you for allowing me to review this. I apologize for the lack of suggestions, the majority of your fic was already well thought out that there really was little room for criticism. 

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