I have a few problems with this title. First of all, it’s too long. I mean, long titles are sometimes really nice and tie into a story well, but I feel like this one is too long and just kind of there. It doesn’t make me want to click on the fic at all. I would actually probably intentionally scroll on through because I would immediately assume that it’s one of those, “OMG OPPA!” stories that many people on this site have a penchant for, just of the horror variety. It’s a title, but it doesn’t really do that job of the title.

The best plan of action is going through and reading the story and getting either the main event or a summary of all of the events and tie the story back into something symbolic in that part. For instance, if you are writing a fic about someone who is psychotic and has a thing for white roses, maybe you can title it “White Roses,” just to draw the readers in, and then catch them with the description. That is a bad example because that title is probably overused, but I think my point came across.

Also, if you really can’t think of anything, ask for help! If you don’t like any of the ideas that were given to you, then you can just write them all down and try to piece the words together in a way that pleases you. The title isn’t terrible, so you don’t need to stress about it too much, but it also isn’t very good. Change it when you can, but it doesn’t have to be your main priority.

Okay, so I’m kind of torn on the description. Once again, it’s kind of just… there. I don’t really see the purpose of it because the title tells us everything that’s stated, and it’s kind of repetitive. I don’t like it too much. Rhetorical questions have a tendency to sound very juvenile and don’t really appeal to too many native speakers, just because it’s something most of us have shied away from since middle school.

And the, “This is a story,” part is cheesy. It’s unnecessary. Yeah, I know I’m reading a story, that’s why I clicked on it. Reading that just makes me feel like you didn’t know what to write, and so you just kind of tried to make it sound as good as you can. If you really can’t think of anything, pick a line or an excerpt from the story that you like that doesn’t give away too much detail and slap it right there. Perfect, instant description.

Most of the points taken off were because the foreword wasn’t used to its full ability. If you didn’t want to use it as a mock prologue, you could use it to give background on the story (from your perspective even!), you could have talked about why you wanted to write this and what inspired you, you could have talked about the original characters background, anything. It kind of went to waste. I think that, unless it’s a oneshot or fic full of nothing but , the best way to utilize the foreword is as a faux-prologue. It makes life easier for you, and it makes life easier for me.

It’s also kind of like redemption from a poor description.  I fully admit that I tend to lack in the description area (it’s so difficult, OTL), and the best thing to do if you think yours isn’t up to par is to try to draw them in with your writing. Keep that in mind.

Don’t start a sentence with but! Instead, use however. Someone explained this a few chapters back, but, for the sake of both of our time, I’m going to reiterate it here. The word ‘but’ is used as a connective between two clauses, and therefore, cannot begin a sentence. However, ‘however’ can. Does that make sense?

Also, this is just me being picky bit ellipses are a series of three dots, so make sure you put all of them.

The layout was simple and it was nice, and I liked that. It wasn’t hard on my eyes, and the poster wasn’t distracting. It was actually kind of nice, clicking the ‘next chapter’ button and seeing it at the top. I liked it. The paragraphs were a little short and it was quite dialogue heavy, with little explanation throughout. I didn’t get much of a feel for the characters aside from what they said, which can be very misleading and I don’t think that’s what you intended.

Nothing was explained. Well, things were explained but it was always the simplest of things that I could have inferred with no second thought. It was really frustrating for me as a reader, because I didn’t get the information I wanted. I got a bunch of useless things that didn’t really matter that much.

There were a few things that they said that kind of irked me that you don’t really hear most people saying (“I wanna him.” Seriously?!?), but I’ll write them off as just being a part of the fact that they aren’t exactly sane.

It was really cheesy (I found myself saying that a lot while reading this) and I seriously had to pause after some parts and just say to myself, “Really? Did that really just happen? Did she really just say that?” The introductions for the chapters were almost always awkward. Not the charming kind of awkward, either. It was the make-you-cringe-and-then-stop-reading kind of awkward. It was difficult to push through, but the rest of the chapter wasn’t as bad. It still had some, “Why,” moments, but usually they weren’t as bad. Usually.

I had to stop a few times to reread something because I wasn’t sure what you were trying to communicate. It was very difficult trying to navigate myself around the spelling and grammar errors while keeping a hold on the plot.

There were a lot of POV issues, and it seemed like the entire time you were writing you forgot that it was in third person limited. You wrote in the same style that someone who was writing in first person would, and you can’t do that for third person because you aren’t referring to the characters as, “I.” When using their name, you aren’t in their thoughts and therefore cannot share them. People still do, using things like italics (I usually go for this but only in crack and ), or you can go the more complicated route and explain their thoughts through paragraph. This way tends to flow the best and is the most efficient for serious stories.

I would go through and list all of the errors, but, alas, that would really take too long and you would never get this review. It seems like you struggle with, “a,” and “the,” so keep an eye out for those two. There are quite a few run-on sentences and spelling errors, so pay attention for those as well. When typing out a new chapter, I suggest you use a word processor with spell check. I personally use word, but I know Microsoft can be kind of expensive if it doesn’t come with your laptop. If you can’t afford it, then you can use a free processor like Google Docs (I’ll go into this in more detail below), or even Open Office (not as good, but does the job).

Please, get a beta! There are a lot of people on this site willing to help you by reading through your fics and correcting them. There are beta shops, and most everyone on this site is pretty friendly so I’m sure if you went up to an author you liked or admired and asked them to beta maybe one chapter, they would say yes or politely decline for no reason other than lack of time. You would be surprised how many people want to help others on here with their grammar.

We all want asianfanfics to be a safe haven where people can ask for assistance, especially since we have so many non-native speakers. There are a lot of native speakers willing to help out. I want you to improve, and without anyone helping, it’ll be really difficult to do so.

Remember when I talked about Google Docs up there? Well if you get a beta, it will be the easiest way to share documents and have someone correct your story.  Consider the possibility of making an account, it’s really easy!

The characters were overwhelmingly flat. It was hard to differentiate between them because all of them were the same. There were no separating personality traits, and they were all defined by one part of their character. None of them were relatable in any way. Even if you have an obsessed fan, if you are presenting it from her point of view, you have to humanize her. You have to make me feel for her, make me empathize. Otherwise, I just won’t care and it’s hard to continue reading something with characters you don’t care for.

Characters weren’t introduced very well, nor were they given any background or purpose. It feels like you added them just because you felt like it, not because they served a purpose in the fic. For instance, her parents are just kind of… there. A way to change that would be to tie them back to Ari’s everyday life and to show that she still has roots in her home despite her involvement in idol stalking. Hayee seemed to be extra pointless.

You also need to look at the characters realistically. Think about sasaeng fans, read up on them, and try to get inside their mind. Do you know that a lot of sasaeng fans are teenagers who e themselves out to pay for things? Or that they have a special taxi service just to stalk idols? That doesn’t necessarily have to be added, but keep those things in consideration. Also, think about what a sasaeng fan is. Ari doesn’t seem like she is as invested in her idols as she should be. Break down the characters, and if you can sum them up in less than a paragraph, then you have a problem.

Ari’s life was so random I didn’t even understand what was going on until it happened. Everything about her was just sporadic and came together to make a mismatched Barbie doll. When her friend gave her the papers containing all of the information about the homicide claiming that she was a journalist, I cringed because journalists don’t have power in the detective force. None. At all. Even if she did, though, I highly doubt she would risk her job to give all of those papers to a friend, especially since we hadn’t heard of this girl at all before they went into the police station.

You could have done so much with the characters and I feel like you didn’t capture their full potential.

I’ve never read anything like this before, that’s for sure. You don’t really have a certain style that makes it stand out, but you did add a spin and I liked that. I docked points because although the story’s premise was unique, the characters made the storyline kind of boring and uneventful.

I see something here. I see the skeleton of a really good fic, one that just needs a bit of work and a little more thought and time.

I feel like a fic like this should have a bit more mystery, and I don’t like that we immediately knew it was Hoya who killed that girl from the beginning. Dramatic irony can be fantastic in some cases, but that usually applies to poetry or a flashback at the end of a story or book.

Try not to make everything so… obvious. Realize that all of your readers are independent thinkers and that we can figure out certain things on our own without them being written down. Not everything is important, and while I like the small, mundane things thrown in there, this is a mystery. Make it more mysterious.

The chapters were a bit too short to get much of anything across, much less convey a convincing and deep plotline. It was choppy and nothing flowed, the events seemed to be kind of random and sporadic like you had been just writing what came to the top of your head without rereading the last chapter to make sure it made sense. It was hard to follow, but not impossible.

It also had some really unrealistic parts. That much is obvious from the premise, but if you look at some of the things you wrote (i.e. Ari going 280 mph in a 180 mph zone… both of those numbers are WAY too high), they just make no sense. Crosscheck your facts and make sure what you are talking about makes sense.

There wasn’t much in the way of plot, but, like I said, I see something. I know that there is a fantastic plotline somewhere in there waiting to come out. My biggest tip would be to write a storyboard. Write down everything that’s important. When going through to write the actual fic, try to draw back to the future events that are important in a subtle way.  It will give your plot so much more depth, trust me.

There wasn’t much on the side of structure or mechanics. The diction was fairly simple, which can be a good thing, but in this case, it was boring. Words were repetitive, and I was shocked when I saw one that was over five letters. That was an exaggeration, but you get my point. Now that’s not to say that you need to bust out some scholar-level vocabulary and insert random things in when you feel the words were too short, because you don’t. Even thesauruses can get a little sketchy. If you used them for words you weren’t already familiar with, you would more than likely have people who actually understand those words laughing at you because of how incorrect the usage is. If you do use one, try to stick to words you know.

Colloquial speech was used, and I’m all about that. You don’t need fancy words or crazy symbolism for something to sound good. However, on that same note, it can be important. I think that this is one of those times where it is, just because you are talking about a girl’s murder and if you want to make it a bit more mysterious, then you need to use speech with certain connotations. Those words may not be used in day-to-day jargon, but it’s important that you try to integrate them here. The more you beat around the bush, the better.

+3 for that gorgeous poster. It was so well made and I found myself staring at it for extended periods of time more than once.

I didn’t really like this too much. I was confused 99% of the time, and constantly had to go back and reread things. The dialogue made no sense to me, and I didn’t like the characters at all. Had a clicked on this fic, it probably would have been an accident. I would hit the back button and continue on with no thoughts of returning.

Whoa this was harsh. I hope that it’s okay, because harsh is what you asked for, right?

I believe you said that English isn’t your first language and it’s so so so impressive that you decided to venture out and write in a language that isn’t natively your own. I think that the best thing you can do to improve your writing is to continue to write and to look up resources that specifically cater toward non-native speakers. A lot of colloquial speech in English is learned through conversation, so talk to people! If you need help finding resources, I have a few links that I can send you!