(Kim Sunggyu is...) In terms of length, grammar, and capitalization, the title is fine. However, in terms of creativity and memorability, there is not much. I agree there are not dozens of fictions with the same title as yours but the title itself is not bold enough. It does not stand out in this big crowd of fictions. If I scrolled down a list of woogyu fictions, which I do a lot, I would not click on a story with that title. This is simply because it is not attractive enough. It does not draw me in.

Simplicity is fine as long as the title link with the story. Yes, this story is about Sunggyu but that is not the only element of this fiction. It dwells into the openness of being homoual. This topic protruded more than Sunggyu’s anger management. Even if this story was about Kim Sunggyu, you should have added more elements of his life to it (I will go into detail later in a different section).

Suggestions: In Deny, Responsibility Overrules. I am bad at coming up with title but do you see what I mean? I am trying to add the elements you pointed out in the story to the title so they connect in a way.

To conclude, twelve is not a bad score so keep the title. I would not advise you to change it because you already have subscribers and it would be random to switch it at this stage of the fiction. However, if you want, you can do it for the future readers who will search up that woogyu tag. Anyway, I gave you the suggestions for future use.

 

After the title, the description is the second most important part of a story to capture a person’s attention. This is because a description is like a blurb in a published book. After looking at the title, you immediately turn to the back (or the inside of a hardback book). The one you have for your story was average and partly did its job. 

It was short, which was admirable. I usually love short, nice and neat descriptions because if it were long, I would just skip everything and move onto the story (yes, I am like that). In addition, if it was long, it tends to reveal more than it should. Yours did not reveal much, and it was short but it was not complete. I have no idea why but I just did not connect with your description.

Another thing a reviewer looks at is how your description reflects the content of the actual story. I believe your description did not click with the story. It matched your title but not the story.

      Kim Sunggyu is many things: leader, singer, dancer... But is there more to his character than meets the eye?

When you say more to his character than meets the eye, do you mean his homouality? It did seriously make me wonder but after reading the story I was like um…

Suggestion: Even the leader of Infinite holds things in for the sake of his group. He was a leader, so it is his responsibility to protect them from harm, is it not?

This would make the reader feel as though he is hiding something and make them question what that may be.

 

The content of your foreword looks fine for the most part. You gave proper credit for everything and did not clutter it with pointless character profiles or things like that. The only suggestion I can make is to use the foreword as an inspiration space. Like write a brief author’s note about what triggered you to write the one shot.

 

Your spelling was perfect. I could not spot anything whilst I read it. However, there were a few grammar mistakes.

 

      His tiny eyes were covered by someone’s hands, blocking his vision entirely.

Correction: Someone’s hands, blocking his vision entirely, covered his tiny eyes.

Explanation: For a livelier and more persuasive sentence, consider rewriting your sentence using an active verb (the subject performs the action, as in "The ball hit Catherine") rather than a passive verb (the subject receives the action, as in "Catherine was hit by the ball"). If you rewrite with an active verb, consider what the appropriate subject is - "they," "we," or a more specific noun or pronoun.

 

      Great, just when he had finally got them all to calm down.

Correction: Great, just when he finally had them all to calm down.

Explanation: Unless you are using "got" for emphasis, use "have" in place of "got" for a more formal or traditional tone.

 

      Sunggyu hated that smile, it made him smile.

Correction: Sunggyu hated that smile; it made him smile.

Explanation: The comma use is unnecessary therefore, I suggest you use a semi colon. These are the reasons why you use grammar - http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

 

      “What the hell is going on!”

Correction: “What the hell is going on?!”

Explanation: If this sentence is a question, use a question mark to end the sentence.

 

In my opinion, I think you nailed the characterization. They all had problems, which made them three-dimensional. The relationship between Sunggyu and Woohyun was already developed so I can’t really say much about it. Also, the way you set roles to each of the infinite members was just great. It was nice to see them as Infinite. Many people think idols do not have any pressure and living a chilled life when aren’t so you nicely conveyed that.

Sunggyu’s reasonability could be related to because everyone has reasonability to take. His anger was seriously new to me, which is quite original because I barely read fictions where Sunggyu has anger management problems.

Woohyun’s character really touched me, internally. He pretends to be happy around Sunggyu but actually, he is deeply wounded by Sunggyu’s remarks. Even though you did not go into detail about his feelings, I still felt it through Sunggyu.

The Yadong couple, in this story, played an important role in putting Sunggyu’s mind in the right place. Without them, I do not think Sunggyu would have managed say yes to Woohyun. The Yadong couple probably had to hold a lot in before they came out.

Sungyeol, Sungjong, and Myungsoo were the funny ones. I had a laugh reading about their opinion of the whole homouality thing. It is good to have those few people who symbolize society in the story. Therefore, completely all characterization was just amazing!

 

The elements homouality, and idols aren’t new. There are actually a lot of fictions on these elements, actually. It is nice to dwell into different aspects of idols. However, those aspects were very underdeveloped. I believe the length is the rationale behind that. If you made it slightly longer, I think it would have been much better. Nevertheless, your story in a way seemed original to me.

 

To me, your plot line was just based on Kim Sunggyu trying to open up about his relationship. However, this was not emphasised as much in your story. It was as though it was a side plot and the main plot was yet to come. Maybe this is due to the underdevelopment of everything. To make a really good one shot, the length is really important. One shots I read with the relationship already developed is as long as 18,000 words. Yes, that’s crazy but it would cover mostly everything so it would not be under developed at all.

There are three parts to a plot; beginning, middle, and denouement. Even though it is a one shot, these three must be considered. Your comment stated you will be writing more one shots in the future so make them a little longer so you develop these three parts. This is because there was no build up of anything. Most of it was just thrown at you.

In the future, for the middle you should strive for a pattern of conflicts or complications. A complication, then, turns into a , which needs to reach its highest level of intensity. In addition, for the end, if your story is filled with happy cute moments between your characters, kill one of them off or do not make them get together because it will be cliche. (sorry, this is just me and my biased self.)

This story was actually not cliche at all. Not all moments between Sunggyu and Woohyun were happy. Sunggyu pushed his feelings to a side for the sake of the group. Therefore, I would not label your story as cliche.

 

 

It would have been nice if you writing style was more detailed. However, despite this fact, I could imagine everything that was going on in the story.

 

First of all, I noticed that you used some Romanized Korean. Although it wasn’t excessive to the point of being obnoxious, I still think most of it was unnecessary. Terms like “aish” and "yah" could have been replaced with an English interjection that expressed similar sentiments.

Secondly, I saw you started a few sentences with ‘but’. This is grammatically incorrect. Alternative words such as ‘however’ must be used to start sentence because ‘but’ is a connective.

Your vocabulary lacked a little. There were places where I thought you could have used better words. I suggest you read more published books or just look up a therasuase for better words. I highly recommend the reading option though. (If you want any book names, just pm me with your taste and I will try to squeeze my brain for some!)

 

I had a little problems with presentation; your use of all capitals of letters in certain sentences of dialogue. In general, this is viewed as amateurish and should be avoided in most cases. There are other ways to express an extremely loud volume and slurred speech, such as through description or the identifier accompanying the dialogue.

Another problem is the text colour of your foreword, which is not black but purple. While it’s not a huge offense like using multiple bright colours, it can be a bit hard on the eyes.

 

Two for a lovely ending, one for the poster and another two for symbolism.

 

Omg ^.^! I just like loved the ending! It was just soooo cute! xD You are from the UK? So am I! What part are you in? I am in London xD

 

Hope the review helped. Keep in mind that this is entirely my opinion!

Keep smiling and stay blessed! xD

 

Don't forget to credit back to our shop, link required!