(I S I S) The interest was not triggered until I read the definition of the term 'Isis', in the description. To be honest, I actually read your title as 'is is', which left me in a worried state. However, the worry was immediately wiped away by your definition. What I am trying to convey is that the capitalization of each letter and the space between them is unnecessary and might not attract many people. Therefore, I suggest you stick to 'Isis'.

I can confirm it now that there is not many (or any) title much like yours. Therefore, in terms of creativity and memorability, your title was fine. However, when it comes to symbolism there is not much. I understand the whole story is about this other universe but they there is no deeper meaning behind it. Let us say it is like stating the obvious. I am saying this is not one of the best choices because it does not require the reader to think and draw a connection between the title and text.

Isis, to be honest, does not set a tone or mood. This is may be because the word itself does not have a meaning. Actually, I searched it up and it is apparently a Goddess in Ancient Egyptian religious beliefs. I did not know that and I do not think this links to your fiction in any way. If I am wrong, please correct me.

To conclude, I would not advice you to change the title at this stage because you already have subscribers. However, I would strongly request you change it to 'Isis', because this just changes the presentation of the title and not the context. In addition, if you think of a more symbolic title and wish to change it for the sake of future readers, then that will be great as well. Either way, I will be following your story until the end.

 

Imagine a world of fantasy, where dreams are reality and magic is possible. Isis– a fantasy world made up of both good and evil, light and dark. It is only a matter of time before both sides collide in an epic battle to decide which will ultimately rule over the land.

The description is supposed to provide a hook and yours definitely did the job. However, the first line is already from fantasy story because magic is added into all of the ones I have read so it was a little irreverent to mention. The second part provided a hint of the conflict that is going to happen, this is what I believe would raise the interest of many. Therefore, I suggest you crop the first line out and rephrase the second part a little so it stays up there on its own. For example; a fantasy world, Isis, maintains the balance between both good and evil, light and dark. However, the time has come when weight is put on one end of the balance, as the two sides collide into an epic battle to decide who will ultimately rule. (This is just an example.)

Moving on to the presentation. Firstly, there was no need of italicizing the description. The description itself is emphasized so you did not need to add that. On the bright side, I was impressed with the overall presentation of the description. It was clean and neat, just the way many likes it. Your foreword, on the other hand, had more presentation issues. The 'edit' section should go at the very end with a font size of eleven because it is very distracting. (The readers do not want to know about the poster and notice updates, they would want to see an excerpt of your writing or an author's note about your inspirations. In addition, if you want a poster on this website, you will have to go hunting for one yourself. Type in graphics in the top right hand corner search tab. Then a list of options will come up, click on graphics fanfics. You will be lead to a list of fictions that does posters.) The trailer was amazing, that made up for your excerpt. However, you should put an embed version up. To access this, you click on the link and then press share, there will be three option; choose the one that say embed and copy the link into your foreword. This would allow the reader to watch your trailer from your foreword. Another problem is, the space between each character in the main character section. If you want it together, then put all of them together instead of using different space amount for different character.

Now for the context of the foreword. Firstly, there was no point of repeating your description in the foreword so I advice you remove that. Secondly, although I do not encourage character descriptions, in this case I would not cut marks for it because there was a need for it. However, there was a part, of the character description, I could not support; the paragraph under ‘you ~ Choi Eun-Su’. I read the information, you have provided, in the story so it was irrelevant. For the sake of neatness instead of using the curled one (~), could you change it to the straight dash (-)? In addition, it would have been much preferred if you referred to Choi Eun-Su as a human being instead of 'you'. This is because it would emphasis the fantasy side again and it would make the others sound supernatural.

 

Spelling mistakes: acompanied -> accompanied; Puppetmaster -> puppet master; unfarmiliar -> unfamiliar.

Since you were writing in past tense, this should be in that tense as well. On the far edges of the universe, separated from any other intelligent life by stars and time, there is a small planet that the inhabitants have come to call “Isis”.

Correction: On the far edges of the universe, separated from any other intelligent life by stars and time, there was a small planet the inhabitants called Isis.

Explanation: You may be using more words than you need to express your idea. Consider deleting introductory phrases such as "there is," "there are," "it is," and "it was" for a more forceful and convincing tone.

Another example of this is: That was the night the dreams began. Correction: The dreams began that night.



Suho stepped forward and dropped half of the power stone through and then broke the spell, after which the twelve brothers immediately collapsed.

Correction: Suho stepped forward, dropped half of the power stone through, and then broke the spell, after which the twelve brothers immediately collapsed.

Explanation: If you are listing three or more items in a row, consider replacing all but the last of the conjunctions with a comma. Place a comma before the remaining conjunction, removing repetitive subjects or verbs if necessary.



Other than these, I did not spot any major mistakes.

 

Characterization is the hardest section, in my opinion, and you nailed it. The way I judge this is by picking out four main characters and the extra ten points is for external variables such as name, which was a problem is this case. In the foreword, you addressed them in their stage name, and then in the actual story you address them as their real name.

Choi Eun-Su: Her age was a little turn off at first but then I realized it was perfect for a fiction like yours because twelve is when imagination runs wild. In books like harry potter and naira where magic is possible, the characters started at such a young age so critizing the age of your fiction would be a sin (in the world of books). The pain you put her through, as Bom was harsh but realistic in your story. She is immature (telling amber everything after saying she cannot trust her) like a twelve year old supposed to be. Her character was well thought out and unique.

The Queen of the Light: I liked how you portrayed Boa. Most authors convey Queens as strong, brave but they never show the other side to them. You showed that even though Boa is courageous, she could also be scared.

The Puppet master: When I read the term ‘puppet master’, my mind immediately flashed a picture of a creepy smiling man looking down into a dollhouse, which was under his control. To be honest, he was in control of the dark people so my imagination was a little accurate. The thing that fascinated me more was giving that position to Seungri because I can never imagine him in that place.

The Hunter: This one is creepier than the puppet master is, now. I just love sadistic characters and in my opinion, the hunter is one of them, which shot my interest up to the top. The way he makes other people suffer is so scary. For the future, the hunter needs a weakness. I suggest that weakness to be his pleasure turning into his nightmare. However, this is your story so good luck with that.

To conclude, I marked you down by five due to the following reasons: one mark for the names, two mark each for not showing the weakness of g-dragon and seungri. I only marked you down by two marks each because the story has not ended yet. If it had, and you still had not put in some weakness then I would it put by five marks each.

 

This one is hard to judge with an unfinished story because the mere elements. Fantasy and supernatural, is used a lot in this website and published books. Since I am an avid reader of fantasy, I know a lot that are similar to yours. Therefore, with an unfinished story I cannot tell if you would go on and develop these elements further.

In addition, the story is probably going to end with Light winning, however, do not make that the matter of subject because that will be a great turn down of story. In this battle, kill some of the characters that have captured the hearts and souls of the readers.



The believability of the story, on the other hand, was a little bad. In the Victorian times, computers and monitors were not available. It would be better if you had a ball that fortunetellers’ use, for the puppet master to see what is happening in the light world. This would be much better because it fits the time of the story. In addition, tall buildings were only discovered recently. In those times, there was more space so there was no need for tall buildings. When you mentioned the top floor of a building in chapter one, it does not match the time of your story so it made your story less believable.

However, the time difference between the two years was very believable. This is because Isis is a few light years away from planet Earth therefore; it was interesting to read that Isis people are living in our past while we live in their future. (Do you get that? I tend to confuse people a lot. If you do not get it, then ignore it because it is not important at all.) I suggest, though, making the difference in time clearer by describing their surrounding in detail.

Another fact you should considered is that blood ties have consequences. According to the recent books, I have read on blood ties, they can be a little disturbing. As in the pain one goes through would be felt in the other. Amber is going to go through a lot because of the pain and agonies Eun Su have to face.

 

Note: Fantasy, supernatural, etc are genres that make slight changes to the rules of the universe, and when you write stories in these genres, you have to be careful about keeping everything consistent with a new set of rules you have introduced.

The beginning was set off with a problem. In my opinion, this was a good idea because it foreshadows that something big is going to hit the story and this will grasp the reader’s attention. You also tied most of the events together. For example; the hunter giving a list out of people to kill was effective to the upcoming battle because it will weaken the Light side and strengthens theirs. Before you write further, consider how the Queen and the rest of the Light world react when they find out the killing has began.

When it comes to such genres, you will have to keep everything under control because the believability of the story is at stake. The middle is probably near because that is when everything builds up to peak amount of intensity. In addition, I could feel the intensity slowly building up already so you did a good job on that. The flow of your fiction is quite constant, which is a good thing. The scene changes was a good factor of this fiction. Since it is fantasy, scenes change quite a lot (well, according to the books I have read).

The idea revolving around the rock is quite amazing. Half connecting her to the other half was fascinating. However, the story conveys that she could feel this pain and agony Bom goes through, but when it came to death, why did Eun-Su not die? Is it because she woke up just at that moment or is there some other explanation? This is the only part that confused me.

To conclude, I can not give you full mark due to the mere fact that I juge this section with four different sub-parts; beginning, middle, denouement, and unity of all three. I believe you have a perfect beginning, your development towards the middle is good as well and the unity between the beginning and the middle is neat, so I will award you with fourty five marks. (Please request again once your story is completed, I am sure you will gain higher.)

 

Note: In this section, I will be dwelling into nine sub-units; detail, imagery, diction, syntax, overall consistency, genre/purpose, figurative language, narration, and overall presentation.

For detail, I would give a score of one out of four. Details are the information you provide the readers through description. In this case, minute details now are not important but in the final battle, it will be. Even though minute details are not important, various key points are and you hit that in some places but not others. This is important because it provides a foundation and frame the reader can build upon and fill with their imaginations. To be short, the more detail, the better the scene is laid out in the reader’s mind. The parts you need to put detail into are the two planets; the inanimate objects; the surrounding and background; appearance; time.

For imagery, I would score you a zero out three. Imagery is when you compare an object that is present in the story to another object that is not present in the story (does this make sense?). I have not spotted a single use of imagery in your fiction (I even reread it to confirm). Imagery is important because it helps the reader imagine the scene occurring. In a fantasy fiction, you are inventing your own objects that the reader might not be aware of, therefore to help them imagine you compare it to object outside of that world. You tried to use imagery here but it rather failed: The witch stood there, looking just as mad as the Hunter. This tells us that the witch is angry as the Hunter. However, how angry was the Hunter is unknown. To show this you say something like this: The witch stood there, her face as red as an erupting volcano and her teeth clenched extremely tight. (You see without mentioning the word angry, I made it seem as though she was mad with the help of imagery and description.)

For diction, I would score you two out of four. This is because there were places you diction was great; however, there were places I thought maybe you could have used better vocabulary. You use literal words whereas I prefer metaphorical. However, this is a personal preference. To be honest, for a fantasy fiction metaphorical would be suited more. Your words lied between vague and precise. This meaning, in some places it was vague and other it was precise.

Syntax, the score would be three out of three. This is because your sentence structure was good. I am glad you did not use much short sentences because those express less complex ideas.

Overall consistency, the score would be three out of three because I believed the consistency of everything was perfect. The logic, accuracy and fairness of events and settings were neat.

Genre/purpose, score is four out of four. The whole idea of fantasy was shown with the rock, the dreams, and the characters so well done with that.

For figurative language, the score would be zero out of three. This is because I did not see any use of figurative language. For example, similes metaphors, personification etc. Fantasy fictions need figurative language because the connotations of words are needed to communicate the ideas and messages to your readers.

Narration, the score is one out of three. One mark for using past tense, it is the easiest and the best tense to work with. For narrative’s voice, you should have used third person instead of switching prospective. This enables you to neatly convey everyone is thought and consciousness. With third-person, there are ways in which you can tweak what information the readers are given that you cannot really for first and second. Here is an explanation from Wikipedia: "The third-person modes are usually categorized along two axes. The first is the subjectivity/objectivity axis, with "subjective" narration describing one or more character's feelings and thoughts, while "objective" narration does not describe the feelings or thoughts of any characters. The second axis is between "omniscient" and "limited", a distinction that refers to the knowledge available to the narrator. An omniscient narrator has omniscient knowledge of time, people, places and events; a limited narrator, in contrast, may know absolutely everything about a single character and every piece of knowledge in that character's mind, but it is "limited" to that character—that is, it cannot describe things unknown to the focal character."

Overall presentation, the score is two out of three. Everything was perfect until you start changing the font size. Font size, throughout all chapters, should remain constant so the future readers who come across you story is not taken aback when they get there.

P.S: I am so sorry for making most of the sections short. I am in a hush since you requested ages ago and I have two more other reviews to do.

 

Two for general enjoyment, two for layout, two for poster, and other two for the idea!

 

Before I let my biased fantasy-loving side kick in, I would like to say something. I am extremely sorry for your loss. I know I am late but it was just saddening to know someone had to stay back from attending university to support her family. I am so sure your mother is very proud and glad you did that. I hope you have finished crossing the path of hardship. Keep smiling, and stay blessed.

Back to the story! Firstly, if a person were an avid reader of fantasy (like me) comes across your fiction, they would not care for the title and click of the story due to the mere curiosity of what side of fantasy your fiction explores. (This was a biased view so I left it out of the title section.)

I just loved this fiction, omg! It is like the first fantasy fiction I read this year because I have been so busy with school that I cannot even pick up a single book and start reading. It made my day because fantasy always has that effect on me! Note: I asked the author to review your story the moment I saw fantasy on the app. (Yes, I am crazy lol.) Thank you for writing an amazing story. I will put it on the recommendation list when I get time!

 

Keep writing, smiling and stay blessed.

 

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