It will be unfair if I marked you on the title because you have not really finalized yours yet. However, you should think of an appropriate one soon because with the current title, you would not attract many people.

If you want help on with making up a title then give this fiction a look: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/156375/3/writing-thoughts-and-tips-writing-you-help-tips-advice-writingtips (It tells you everything you title should and should not be. Very helpful and interesting to add to your knowledge.) 

“Wufan is a gang member who comes up the loser in a fight.”

This line did not seem to make any sense to me. Are you trying to say Kris lost the fight? This line puzzled me. Suggestion: Wufan is a gang member who lost his dignity in a fight.

The description was actually a summary of what happened in the first two chapters, which is not a bad idea. However, when I read it I did not immediately get interested. The purpose of a description is to hook the reader even further but in this case, I was not hooked.

On the other hand, I am glad you did not give away the whole plot. It was small and simple. I tend to love violence fictions so readers like myself would ignore the title and description and focus on the writing style.

The foreword was nice. You did not do a character profile so that is good. It would have been much better if you added your inspirations. Since it is your first time writing, something must have triggered your interest.

There were not any major grammar/spelling mistakes. I will point out the ones that struck me.

           “Wufan had just managed to scoop up the knife when dull splashes and crunching gravel told him he had been met by his pursuers.”

This line would be better if phrased like this: Wufan had just managed to scoop up the knife when dull splashes and crunching gravel told him his pursuers caught him. Do you understand where I changed the sentence? It would be better this way because it is less wordy. As it is a violence fiction, the sentence size should be small to show his breathlessness.

There were places where you did not use a comma. Without the use of comma, the sentence was grammatically wrong.

           “Squinting up into the downpour he scanned his surroundings.”

The comma comes between the downpour and he. Therefore, it would be like this: Squinting up into the downpour, he scanned his surroundings. This is to set off introductory elements. It is permissible to omit the comma after a brief introductory element if the omission does not result in confusion or hesitancy in reading. However, in this case a comma is needed. If you are still confused about commas and introductory elements, please pm me.

I think I only spotted two places where you did that so I might as well point the other one out.

“When no response was received he blushed slightly, feeling a little stupid for expecting a reply.”

Right way to write it: When no response was received, he blushed slightly, feeling a little stupid for expecting a reply.

“When he peeped down one of these such alleyways his keen eyes could make out a dark shape secluded in the shadows at the back.”

This sentence consists of the words ‘these’ and ‘such’ next to each other, which is grammatically wrong. You should have one of them because otherwise, it does not make sense. If you read it aloud, you will see what I mean.

           “The blade pierced his left shoulder and he yelped in surprise and pain, stumbling backwards and shaking his head in an effort to clear his mind and focus.”

There are too many ‘and’ in this sentence and the overall syntax seemed a little off. I think it should be phrased more like this: The sharp blade pierced his left shoulder. Pain ran up and down his arms as he yelped with surprise. Stumbling backwards, he shook his in an effort to clear his mind and focus.

This has many pauses so it emphasises his inability to speak due to the pain. Even though you are writing in third person, you can still convey his agony.

“The rain was thundering against the roof of the car and speaking loudly enough for the phone to pick it up was straining his voice.”

This sentence, in my opinion, sounded a little off. I do not understand what you meant by ‘speaking loudly enough for the phone to pick it up.’ The connection between the rain thundering against the roof and his voice getting strained was not understandable as well.

In the third chapter, you wrote your dialogues wrong. You are an Australian, but I am pretty sure they write dialogues similar to people from England.

           ‘"You can lecture me later, okay? I just want you to help him." Zitao replied, noting with relief that home wasn't far away.’

The reason why this is incorrect is the pause at the end. When the next sentence after the speech is related to the speech, you tend to put a comma instead of a pause. Therefore, it should be written like this: “You can lecture me later, ok? I just want to help him,” Zitao replied, noting the relief that home was not far away.

If the sentence after the speech is not related then you use a pause. For example: “You’re just amazing.” He pushed my hair away from my eyes and hocked it behind my ears. (I just read a romance fiction so sorry for the weird example.)

I will point out where else you have made a similar mistake so you will be able to find them easily.

                ‘”Yixing, I know it's late and really inconvenient but I need to ask you a favour." Zitao responded edgily, glancing in a mirror to see his quarry was still out cold.’

Right way to write is: ”Yixing, I know it's late and really inconvenient but I need to ask you a favour," Zitao responded edgily.

           ‘"Seriously Tao, this 'favour' better be important and not some trivial crap." Yixing replied, sounding slightly more awake.’

Right way to write is: "Seriously Tao, this 'favour' better be important and not some trivial crap," Yixing replied.

‘"I don't know, you're the doctor." Zitao replied bluntly.’

Right way to write it: "I don't know, you're the doctor," Zitao replied bluntly.

Ok, I did not realize all the dialogues were like that, but you get what I mean right?

Your spelling was perfect! 

I have no idea why people portray Yifan as a bad person, as a gangster, or a violent male. Personally, I would prefer it if Yifan was conveyed the way he is in real life. However, I tend to enjoy fictions with violence in them.

Yifan: I’m glad you did not make him win because that would have been expected due to the fact that he is one of the lead. His character, in my opinion, is already well developed. He is a gangster but a one that loses sometimes. He was not a person is wins every fight and the king of fighting. I am also happy that you did not glorify gangs because they are organized crime groups.

For future use, I hope you researched into gangsters. Gangs are not just a side hobby, it’s a way of life, one that walks on the other side of law and morality. People join for power, money, position or a sense of belonging. Be careful when you decide on the rationale behind Yifan’s joining. Usually the young people who join gangs are desperate, whether it’s to protect someone so dear to them or feed their families. Some may believe the benefits of being in a gang outweigh the costs, but the truth is, they are risking their life, limb, and freedom with everyday that they spend in a gang and doing this on behalf of it.

Zitao: Tao is my number one bias in exo so I am very happy the way you portrayed him. He is not fully rounded yet, though. Due to your fiction being at a starting stage, we have no clue what flaws Tao consist of.

To conclude, I gave you twenty-five because the characters are not fully developed, yet. Make sure to request for a review after it is completed so you get a higher score. It does not matter where, from glory or elsewhere but I am sure whoever reviews this in the future would provide you with a high score.

Your story reminds me of a Good Samaritan. Have you heard of it? It is a bible story. It is nice to read something similar. I have read other fictions with the elements gangs, violence, and romance. However, not all those fiction ever started with a losing fight.

On the other hand, your story has barely started. Therefore, I am unaware of the future twists and how you make this story stand out in its own way.

The story has a unique started; I hope it remains unique throughout. That might sound impossible but it really is not. The story can be cliché but addition of personal twists makes it non-cliché.

I respect your bravery of actually requesting before you started the plot. For all I am aware of is, Yifan had a fight with someone other gang member and lost. This is may be the beginning to a bigger fight in the future or not. The thing is, there is no dilemma yet. Yes, Yifan being hurt would break the hearts of many but he is going to get better (or is he?).

The point is, the plot has not started to be developed. I admit, the storyline so far has kept my interest high and kept me entertained. However, I am worried that would not be the case in the future. I do not prejudge anything because that would be unfair.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say here. I usually make sure all my reviews are helpful but in this case, I have no idea what I should advise you about. Maybe some tips on how to make the plot believable.

When you continue with the story, try arranging events in the story in a particular order to achieve certain effect. Since it is a violence fiction, effect on the reader is important. A pattern of cause-effect relationships should be created. Plot is important in expressing the meaning of a work.

In my opinion, there are three parts to a plot; beginning, middle, and denouement. You have captured the beginning part perfectly as you gave us enough information to understand the story. When it comes to the middle and ending, it has not been started yet to be analysed.

For the middle, you should strive for a pattern of conflicts or complications. A complication turns into , which needs to reach its highest level of intensity.

For the end, if your story is filled with smooth relationship between tao and kris then in the end, you should kill one of them off. (Sorry, I’m always like this).

Laws of plot that you should consider –

Plausibility: the story should be convincing on its own terms, but not necessarily realistic.

Element of surprise should be present.

Suspense: we should not know how the story turns out.

Foreshadowing: hints at the direction the story will take.

Logical: events should be believable in their relationships to one another.

Firstly, I realized there were a few places where you used slang. Although it wasn’t excessive to the point of being obnoxious, I still advise to avoid such usage because it makes your writing seem dull, in my opinion. For example; ‘yeah’ instead of yes. ‘okay’ instead of ok. I think those are the only two that stuck out. I know you are trying to convey the closeness of Yixing and Zitoa by using such words, but I think you should stick to formal language (I am very close with my friend, and I do not use slang). For the future, try to stay away from slang and colloquial language.

After reading the first three chapters, I became aware of the fact that this may be based around gangsters. Therefore it may include profanity or vulgarity, in the future. This type of diction might be used in order to create a sense of realism by capturing how a specific character might actually talk and interact with other people. However, it would be better if you created a different effect because the same kind of story may also be told using formal language that would reflect a more seriousness to the topic. I am personally against violence, however, I enjoy reading them (because I am weird).

On the other hand, the diction and imagery, up till now, was quite impressive. However, both these elements were lacking in the third chapter. I know it was filled with dialogues, but since you used third person you can clearly describe what the person is doing whilst talking or after finishing their sentence.  

     “The rain was hammering down over the city, fierce and frozen as spears of ice.”

Just wanted to point out, I liked the imagery here. You started with this line so it triggered my interest even more.

Also, you have used a lot of contractions. This creates an informal atmosphere.

For the most part, you did not do a decent job of varying your sentence lengths, types, and structures. On the first chapter, like I mentioned earlier, the sentence lengths should be shorter because Yifan is beaten up, and breathless due to the pain.

In addition, in the last chapter you should use the format normal like you did with your other chapters, instead of normal (div).

The first two chapters were enjoyable to read. The layout was plain and very neat, which was to my liking. The imagery was great. There I shall give you four marks!

I just loved your story. I just has to subscribe to find out more! I have nothing else to say, haha. Anyway, as a reader I enjoyed reading the first three characters. Ahh, tao is amazing! xD

Do not be taken aback by your score. Your story has just started and still developing so the low percentage is expected. Your writing style is amazing so do not feel disheartened! Request again when it’s completed, I am sure it will get an way higher percentage than this!

Keep smiling and stay blessed xD