I know you've heard this thousands of times already but unthriving isn't a real word. However, I'm going to give you a different reason as to why it irks me. In all honesty I could care less if it's a real word or not as long as I can deduce the meaning and it connects. It does both. My problem with it is that when you say 'Unthriving Vow' either out loud or in your head it sounds off and odd. Go on, say it. Maybe it's just me but the combination of unthriving and vow don't complement each other vocally, perhaps the reason is due to the fact that unthriving is not a real word and thus my ear is not used to hearing it, however, I actually think the bigger problem is in the word 'vow' which sound wise doesn't compliment unthriving.

Not only should a title be attention grabbing, unique, connected to the story, but it should also be pleasing to the ear. I suggest playing around with combinations of sounds in the future until you get one that's right. In this story I don't recommend changing your title as it is completed already and stuff but just in the future. For example, you could have down 'broken promises', 'fragile vows', 'shattered oath', 'dissolved hope', 'lost faith'. There are so many combinations out there, find the one that sounds the best on top of being the best in all those other things I listed as well.

Now, you might be going, why does it matter if it sounds good or not. It doesn't, it just gives you points. It makes your title sound not awkward. I'd give you an example of this but I can't think of one right now. Basically, bad phrasing can make a title really awkward sounding and thus irk certain readers. Personally I think this is a bigger problem than whether or not unthriving is an actual word.

On a different note, I think you chose a great title if connection to the story was what you were going for, because it connected brilliantly. However, it lacked the impact that titles need in order to attract attention. It is close, but not totally there yet. Again, this lies in the word unthriving, unthriving is too passive. To me this is an angsty tragedy; make your title an angsty tragedy too. Words like shattered and broken are some examples of words that give your title the final oomph as they seem to be bigger and more definite. Unthriving just means no longer, but broken and shattered means literally un-healable. You see what I mean? More curiosity because it is more definite.

Let's talk about your description first. Bad idea. Basically AFF displays like a certain number of characters of your description. I see this when I'm scrolling down the page. If your first 100 or so characters don't capture my attention, it's over. Right then and there. Your first 100 or so words need to be wow. They need to be mind-blowing. Heck, they need to scream 'read me' to my face. But yours doesn't do that because your first 100 or so characters are your title and then pictures. No. You have such a brilliant one liner that gives me all the feels I need. Please, make that the thing I see when scrolling AFF. Because in all honestly, I might give your story a chance and click on it if that was the thing I read, but as of now, I'd completely skip over your story.

I get that the layout is pretty...but it trades off with incentive to click your story. Not worth it. Believe me, it's not.

Okay, on to the actual content of the description. Usually I don't like one liners, they don't pull enough and they're vague. But yours is wonderful. I love the phrases 'perfectly imperfect' and 'imperfectly perfect'. Using contrasts is a huge pull because we are left wondering what will become of that, how that is possible and other what nots. Good job there.

Next, your foreword. When I first started reading it, it was like a breath of fresh air, beautiful in detail, vivid in imagery. It didn't take long for that fresh air to become polluted. What do I mean by that? Was it too long? No...I can handle it but I do usually prefer forewords to be much shorter. Try for something cutting that leaves one hanging. Usually sentimental, description moments don't make me want to read anything. They're just like, beautiful language, meh, okay move on. Descriptions are better saved for the actual story. Save the foreword for that one killer cliffhanger / moment that will leave the readers desperate to click the next button. The way I imagine it is like this: your foreword is like a trailer, you have sixty seconds to make people want to see your movie. The time is too short to elaborate, if you do, like explain the whole freaking background of your movie and every single little thought of every single little character, chances are, I'm going to go find something else because I can't be bothered to waste my time.

The best trailers are the ones that leave the watcher hungry for more and curious. Your foreword, though beautiful, failed to make me curious.

Okay but like I said earlier, I can deal with slightly longer forewords so what was it about yours that upset me? It is the language that sometimes doesn't make sense. You throw in too much figurative language and sometimes it seems forced, other times it doesn't make sense. Let me give you an example.

Once they reached her ears, they drowned into a maze without any deviation.

Let's talk about this. Drowned...it can mean you're in water (most common) but really it just implies that you cannot breath. Now, a maze, it's basically something that's hard to get out of. How something drowns in a maze I'm not completely sure, unless this maze has no oxygen or is underwater. It just doesn't make sense. You have a tendency to just add words or analogies that aren't needed and are extra; all they do is distort meaning. Don't put more than necessary. They destroy your meaning and effectiveness in attracting readers.

That being said I love figurative language when it is done right and well. I have a soft spot for them. A different way to write this and have it make sense: Once they reached her ears, they drowned in the dark black of ocean depths. Or: Once they reached her eyes, they became eternally lost in a maze with no escape. When writing abstract language always make sure it makes sense.

There are also many other cases such as the one I pointed out. I encourage you to reread your foreword to logical fallacies. Lastly, you use they too much, change it to the words once in a while to remind the reader what you're talking about. Seriously, halfway through and I forgot what they referred to.

Just overall, usually the good thing to put in forewords is an action excerpt where something is actually happening and then leave the prologue in a separate chapters. Generally, forewords that are just exploring the thoughts of a character tend to come off as boring, so just a warning.

You have one of those rare stories that makes something new out of something cliché. The cliché part of your story is the mental illness. AFF has an addiction to writing fanfictions with mental illnesses in the characters. I'm sure you already know this. This is the reason I took off one point. However, in any other story I would have taken off a lot more than one point. The reason I still gave you a nine is because you were able to spin this subject and run away with it.

It is not uncommon for the mentally ill person to fall in love with someone. However, it is rare for the person she falls in love with to not end up with her. I'm going to tell you the truth, when I read the first chapter I had already cemented in my mind that somehow Sehun and Soo Jung would end up together. They did not. The plot twist in chapter two was brilliant. I loved the fact that you did not go for the cliché ending. Props to you.

I must applaud you on your characterization. This area isn't an easy area to score well on so be proud that I gave you such high points. So the reason I gave you such high points is because I think the way you describe your characters as well as the thoughts of your characters is very realistic. I'll be talking about them one by one so read on.

First, I read Soo Jung like an OC, because well to tell you the truth I don't listen to f(x) and I don't know f(x). Despite such, the fact that you were able to make me connect with her even though I didn't connect with her in the idol / fan way is impressive. Basically my critique on her will be based on the perspective of her when we view her as on OC rather than an idol.

So...Soo Jung. It's difficult, writing someone with a mental disease. I think that Soo Jung is strong, she wants to live. I think that is one of the most vital characteristics you could have possibly given her. I don't personally know anyone with a mental disease but it is always my deep assumption that they just want to be accepted and want to be able to live normally. Nowadays, too many people write about mental disease without this characteristic, making their character extremely weak instead. I'm glad you didn't go this route even though at some points I saw you slipping.

I'm going to tell you right now that Soo Jung, though she was realistic, is not a character I liked. She was too insignificant to me, and even though I suppose she is the main character I didn't feel any emphasis on her. She didn't leave an impact. Basically my thoughts of here can be summed up in a single sentence: Sehun broke his promise, she went crazy. Now, this is also one of the reasons that she is so realistic. I believe that in real life when you have a mental disease and you finally open yourself up to someone, if that someone betrays you there is no way you will not break. I think promises and keeping promises is something that is really vital to the heart of someone who is mentally ill. They hold on to those promises very tightly because they trust more easily than those without mental diseases. Even people without mental diseases can be destroyed by the breaking of a promise. Thus I find Soo Jung extremely realistic. However, the realness you implant her character with is also her downfall. She is boring because nothing happens with her, because, let's face it, she has a mental disease and she can't do much else. I can't expect her to go find Sehun and beat him up can I?

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: even though your characterization is great and Soo Jung is realistic, that doesn't equate to someone the reader can fall in love with, connect with, and want to read about. I found myself dreading Soo Jung's parts simply because nothing happened much except for her inner thoughts and screaming and kicking. Just as a side note, the fact that you make her repeat her words is really powerful and really realistic.

Now, let's talk about Sehun. I think Sehun had the potential to become your best character. In fact, I fell in love with him from the very first scene of him smoking and thinking about how smoking was an escape and cure. It was quite beautiful and from the very beginning the reader could tell that Sehun thinks very deeply about life. I really, truly, did wish for more of Sehun's development. I think back to the fact that at the very beginning Sehun was a character I could really connect with but at the end I found myself completely confused about his motives and reasons. I'm going to explain the reason for this and hopefully it doesn't confuse you.

One of the things I liked best about Sehun was the fact that he loved someone else. To me that was the most realistic display on the harshness of reality. In truth, it takes a lot to fall for someone who isn't perfect (for example with a mental illness) and I'm glad you didn't go the route where the guy falls in love with the girl regardless of everything. I liked it so much when it was revealed that Sehun was engaged to a different girl. Man, it was so perfect. But then, the third chapter, really killed Sehun's character in my mind. I say this because in chapter three you basically reveal his dilemma about whether to choose his wife for Soo Jung. This could have been a great scene for conflict and character development, it could have been a great scene to cause the reader to weep but it wasn't written in the way necessary to garner such an effect. First, you should have described his love for his wife more, what is so special about her? What do they share? If I have no basis of his love for his wife I have no basis for anything that happened next. Next, why does he love Soo Jung? Okay, you tell me he enjoys her company, why the heck does he enjoy her company? You go from Sehun doesn't like her as much as his wife to suddenly Sehun is in love with her. I'm left thinking what the heck did you just do? This abrupt change in character is something that must be avoided at all costs. Stay away from it. As a human we have a reason for everything we think and do, you need to tell the reader the reason for Sehun's actions. Then, suddenly Sehun thinks that being with Soo Jung is like a dream that doesn't seem like reality...okay, you just totally threw me out a window with this, I don't get it at all. Soo Jung has a mental illness, how much realer can it get? If you're going to indicate that to Sehun, being with Soo Jung is a dream then you need to give me an explanation. In the end of your story I walk away with this: Sehun's messed up and I don't know why he chose what he chose at all. What I should have walked away with is this: the love between Soo Jung and Sehun was destined to fall from the beginning, because their love, no matter how strong, was not meant to be. I should have ended up crying, but I ended up confused. With the third chapter you managed to turn Sehun from my favorite character to my least.

My suggestion for Sehun, then, is take more time to develop him. I want to know the exact reasons for the way he thinks and for the decision he makes. I think he is the true pivotal character of this story and thus should accordingly have the best characterization. All points taken off were due to the lack in logic of Sehun's final decisions.

My favorite character in this entire story is Jongin. He, to me, was not only the most realistic, the most relatable, but also the most likeable. I get that he is Soo Jung's cousin, but really to me he would have been the perfect older brother. You do a great job showing the reader how much Jongin cares about Soo Jung and how much he worries about her and loves her without directly telling us. Showing through actions is very hard to do and I think you mastered it in at least Jongin's character. I really don't have much to say on him, except that you did wonderfully on him and caused me to fall in love with him in this story.

As you said, not being a native English speaker isn't an excuse for having poor English. I guess in some parts I agree with you on this, but on other parts I have to disagree. It is not that I'll be gentler on you if you aren’t a native speaker but simply the way I give you advice will be different. One of my habits when it comes to reviewing someone's fanfiction when they are not a native speaker is completely editing the first chapter. Below is the link to my edited version of your chapter. Please check it out and read it completely.

Keep in mind that there is no reason for you to change your story based on my editing but I would at least recommend taking a look because some of the mistakes are glaring and take away from your story.

Chapter One Edited

Hopefully you have looked through it and tried to understand my changes. Now, my suggestion to you is to take a look at the things I've changed and then run a quick Google search to find out why I changed them. For example, if I added in a ‘the’ and you don't understand why, search 'when to use the' in Google and you'll come up with many articles that will be able to explain things a lot better than me. There are some things in the English language that I find extremely difficult to explain so I highly suggest you go check out some grammar sites.

On the bright side, grammar is not your largest concern. For a non-native speaker your grammar is actually quite decent. Rather, I'd like to critique you and some of your writing style and use of description and figurative language. First off, I dig your style and inclusion of metaphors, personification and the like; however, there are many cases of misuse that decreases the readability of your story. In the edited chapter I've marked all the places where I was confused or where your choice of words were wrong with (?) while highlighting the area you should look at. I'll be discussing them below as well as addressing some of the more easily explained grammar issues.

The color of his pink dyed hair was fading back into its original tone; pacing up to match with the color of his eyes.

His pink hair was fading back into its original tone; pacing up (? reverting back to a light brown) to match with the color of his eyes.

Alright, so first, let's start with 'the color of his pink dyed hair'. This phrase is long, wordy and redundant. You seem to be redundant really often. This is good when you are repeating things for emphasis but not when you are simply stating a fact. For example, I wouldn't say 'that book was so boring I cried from boredom why reading the boring first chapter'. No. It just sounds bad. You don't need to say dyed because it can be assumed color is also unnecessary as it is also assumed.

Okay but the important part is the highlighted part. Pacing up means the quickening speed of something. His hair color was quickening in speed? What? Reverting back (the example change I gave) would make more sense as Sehun's hair color is going back to his original color, also it would be wise to state the original color or else we are told nothing except that his hair is no longer pink.

Not only that he had huge eye bags beneath his long, straight eyes; sorrow also filled his blank gaze that was staring vacuously at the floor.

Not only did he have huge eye bags beneath his long, straight eyes (?), but sorrow also filled his blank eyes that were staring vacuously at the floor.

Alright, first I want to tell you why I put in a but and comma. Basically since you started your sentence with not only, there needs to be a connecting second though that tells you not only what but also what. Hopefully that made sense.

More importantly, what the heck does long, straight eyes mean? Can our eyes be long and straight? Straight is something we use to describe a ruler...and long is like a giraffe's neck. Not very suitable for eyes right? I get that you want to use description and I totally encourage that but don't use random words to describe things that can only be described with certain adjectives. Only use adjectives where fit.

Once he had thought: with the mouth he was given, lungs he was granted, why not try to challenge them to fight their ceases (?)?

Okay. Stop right there. I am left completely confused by this sentence. Are you trying to say that he wants to test them to their limits? Because that isn't what this sentence is saying. Try: why not try to challenge their limits instead. It makes a bit more sense.

When he found his lips dry or when he felt bitterness on his tongue, he would imbibe one or two tobaccos and find himself running out of breath upon climbing the school's staircases afterward (?).

Nothing really wrong in this sentence it just confuses me because I'm not sure...does he get out of breath because he smoked or because he ran up the stairs. It's not very clear. And why does he smoke upon his lips being dry or his tongue bitter? You are missing a few logical bridges.

He was well-aware that his surroundings (? loved ones) were concerned about the Bronchitis that inflamed his entire self (?).

Aiyah! What to do with this sentence? Firstly, surroundings means literally the chair next to him or the door behind him...I don't think they care. I think you're referring to the people mentioned in the previous section in which case you should use loved ones to refer to people. But more importantly, god...I have no idea what the second part means so I can't even suggest a way to fix it. I'm sorry ;A;

Whenever he felt breathless, he would rather intake a cigarette (? inhale the smoke of a lit cigarette) instead of taking a shot of bronchodilator.

Alright. Intake is to eat. He would rather eat a cigarette? Um, that'd be really bad. So what actually happens when you smoke is that you intake the smoke not the actual cigarette ^^

He came up with the conclusion that if he did not die in trice by smoking while running out of breath, then he would not die in any other way, would he (?)?

So the problem with this is that he came to a conclusion. Conclusion means he knows the answer, is confident in it...so why would he end it in a question? Do you see what I'm getting at?

Under the rolling paper, thousands of particles of tobacco (? a thousand particles of smoke) had made their way inside Sehun's mouth in a split second.

Refer to what I said previously about smoking. You smoke the smoke not the tobacco.

But she could not cope up with the pain (?).

I guess the problem I have with this sentence is that previously you talk about how Soo Jung wants to live no matter what because she fears losing life. But she can't cope with the pain? Then why live?

The twenty three year old Kim Jong In whose dark brown hair touched his eyes, instantly turned off (? extinguished) his cigarette off in the ashtray before he threw himself towards Soo Jung.

We use turned off for electronic devices and stuff that have an on and off switch. You can't turn off cigarettes; you can only extinguish them or put them out. Unless Kai was smoking an electronic cigarette, which I'm pretty sure he wasn't.

Now that she disliked everything, she blamed herself for the worst (?).

I think that I sort of get what you're going for but it's not written right. The worst...I think what you're trying to say is that she hates herself because her disliking everything is what's causing more pain and stuff. Worst doesn't tell us this and only confuses the reader.

He had disintegrated (? extinguished) all his energy in order to sedate Soo Jung down; he did not want to spend more to explain to Se Hun that his cousin was suffering from a severe autistic disorder.

Phew. Last question mark ^^ Okay so disintegrated doesn't really mean the same thing as exhausting or spending all his energy. It's not something we say. I guess what I suggest in general to you is use new words but make sure you know exactly what the word means and read a couple of example sentences that use the word before incorporating it into your sentences. But I do applaud you for trying to find big words that are uncommon. They really spice up your writing.

Lastly, just a couple of guides. Don't use numerals (1, 2, 3) to substitute words (one, two, three), it doesn't look professional so stay away from doing that. Next, don't ever use all caps, I get you're trying to incorporate that feel of desperation but you can do the same just with exclamation points and description. Third, don't put a period after your year. I feel like it serves more as a header than a sentence...I don't know, this one is more personal choice. Finally, the italic is really annoying to read. Get rid of it. It's not needed because you specify the time already.

Overall you're doing great; just make sure you understand the words you're using and how to use them correctly. I encourage you to take time to look over my edits yourself and apply them to the rest of your story. I don't edit the whole thing because I am not a beta-reader and I believe in allowing writers to try and improve their grammar / writing on their own and only serving as a guide as this is the only real way to improving.

I really liked your plotline. It was concise and well suited to a story that is only three chapters long, had it been a longer story I would have thought differently as the events were lacking but the plotline you wrote is perfect for a story of this length.

I enjoyed the fact that we see the beginning, middle, as well as end of the events in this fic. There are however, certain things that I wish you did but you didn't. I wished you explored Sehun's story with his wife. I wished you talked more about why Soo Jung opened up to Sehun. I wished there was another plot twist. I wished there was a more definite conclusion. Without these pieces of information the story seems slightly incomplete. This is especially true when talking about your lacking conclusion. I don't know what happened to Soo Jung, I don't know what will happen to Sehun, and I certainly don't know how Jongin will take all of this. I think it is insufficient to leave on the note of Sehun. Rather, I needed something more along the lines of Soo Jung breaking. I think a more suiting ending would be a flash to the future where we see Soo Jung alone, huddled on the floor, quietly suffering from the loss of her last hope while still desperately wishing for Sehun's return.

This being said, the reason I took off points is because of conclusion. I also became extremely confused with your current conclusion. What do you mean by Sehun burying himself under his vow? I don't think it ties up the story very well or is very clear. Most importantly, it failed to make me sad. I wasn't. I literally was just like, meh, finished it, now what? This isn't a powerful way to end because it doesn't cause me to feel sorry for anyone.

On a different note. One of the favorite things that you did in this story is the whole focus on the smoking. I felt that symbolized the relationship between Sehun and Soo Jung. They met by smoke, Sehun stopped smoking for her, Sehun went back to smoking but was changed and no longer as strong as he used to be. I think the whole development of smoking added another dimension to your story so good job with that.

Also, I don't understand why you made Sehun have weak lungs (at least I think he does). There's no point to it, at first I thought he would end up dying and that's why he couldn't keep his vow, but he didn't. This is another example of something unnecessary that doesn't add significance to your story. If you’re going to tell the reader something, as a rule you should use it to do something in your story or else it is useless and a tangent that you didn't need to write about.

I'm not going to lie to you. I skipped (well not skipped but skimmed over) basically most of chapter two and parts of chapter three because things were going too slow. I get that you want to use a lot of description but there is a balance to it. Using too much will cause your readers to become bored so don't do it. Be sure to always balance out your description with plot and revelations. Action is just as important as description. Setting the mood is important but be sure not to go overboard. This is extremely something you need to work on in the second chapter. Many of the things you described were unnecessary and only serve to bore the reader. And I hate to tell you this, but I don't think that the whole backstory of Jongin's was necessary. It was actually sort of a tangent from the actual plot and flow of the story. If it isn't important, it isn't needed. When writing ask yourself this: what purpose will this serve. If you can't answer it with a confident, convincing answer, you don't need to write it.

The majority of your points I took off for not the reason I outlined above but actually for your organization in the third chapter. When you skipped around between Soo Jung and Sehun it got messy, unorganized, and confusing extremely quickly. Don't jump between povs so often for so short a time (one or two paragraphs) because it upsets the flow of the story and puts the reader in an odd position as they try to understand both sides, struggling to comprehend everything. If you really need to do multiple povs, with quick switches in between you need to make it extremely clear to the reader with effective transitions. 'On the other hand' or 'in one end of his rope', disrupt the flow of the story as it cuts off the action. Instead you can try describing a change in scene instead. For example: Three miles away from the Cafe Sehun sat at, Soo Jung was still crying... This is a more effective transition as it is clear that we are no longer talking about Sehun and have changed settings.

I enjoyed reading the story and following the changes in Sehun's behavior by watching how his smoking habits changed and I enjoyed Jongin's protective character. Your overall plotline was also refreshing as in the end Sehun and Soo Jung do not end up together (this is the best decision you made in this entire story). However, for me, your story became too slow as it was dragged down by description and I found myself becoming bored because not enough was happening. It is very risking writing a story that is based completely on the exploration of what is inside of your characters as this makes for a story that lacks action and engagement. Descriptions are also great, but once again, don't describe things unless they matter by contributing to your plotline.

Also, you sometimes forced figurative language and misuse of expressions or phrases irked me and distracted me from the beautiful story. Never use words that you don't know how to use because you risk ending up using them wrong. Do I encourage thesaurus? Sure, but make sure you learn the word and read example sentences on them first before using them.

I'm really proud of you for being able to write so well with English as your second language. I truly did enjoy reviewing this story and hopefully this review has helped you.

Just as a last few things, your poster has no relevance to your story. A mountain? Seriously? It's fine not to have a poster, it's good to have one, but it's bad to have a poster that isn't relevant to your story. I would find a poster that is relevant. Furthermore the text on the poster is hard to read, I spent a long time trying to decipher it but couldn't.

Since this is a contest entry I want to give you some of my thoughts on how well it connects to the prompt:

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

If we look, we see that this prompt has three parts. The first part is about imperfection, the second about madness, and the third part about being ridiculous. You meet only the first part because Sehun sees Soo Jung as beautiful despite her imperfections. However, even this idea is not fully developed. To truly connect with this part of the prompt you should have included something along the lines of Sehun describing why Soo Jung's imperfections made her beautiful. This is truly a very deep thought and thus needs to be fully developed and has the potential to be developed. Now, this is something that is fixable, what is the bad part? Your story doesn't connect at all to the rest of the prompt. Let's look at part two, madness. Soo Jung is mad...but not a genius. Then part three, sure, you could say Soo Jung is ridiculous but that is not her personal choice but rather something forced on by her condition. Furthermore, as a reader, she bores me. So you actually don't answer the third part of the prompt at all. I don't know if prompt connection will be something the contest judges look into, and I don't know if they'll care that you only connect weakly to one part of your chosen prompt. But regardless I just wanted to give you my two cents on it.

Lastly, typically Sehun in fanfics is written Sehun not Se Hun same for Jongin, not Jong In. I suppose this is personal choice and I didn't really care but it struck me as odd. Just thought I'd point it out to you.

Edit 10/2: Updated to latest poster. I like this one much better! Still doesn't have much to do with the actual story but at least this one connects better as it has the characters on it and a better mood tie in.

Don't forget to credit back to our shop, link required! Hopefully I was constructive enough and offered you advice that was different from the other review shops you requested from. Please comment your thoughts on my review so I can know how you feel about it. I spend a lot of time reviewing so feedback is appreciated! (Don't be too worried about your score, most of it was based on technical stuff. It was a great read regardless.)