★ When Love Calls [38%]
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FICTION BIO
When Love Calls
by alize_sakura
Featuring: EXO
Type: Chaptered
Genre: Drama, Romance, Slice of Life
Main Characters: Kris Wu, Lia Santosa (OC)
Status: Ongoing (reviewed with 10)
Rated: None
Warnings: None
by alize_sakura
Type: Chaptered
Genre: Drama, Romance, Slice of Life
Main Characters: Kris Wu, Lia Santosa (OC)
Status: Ongoing (reviewed with 10)
Rated: None
Warnings: None
DESCRIPTION
"I" once was asked a friend; what you would do when love calls, and she said; you let it ring because love is dangerous. At that moment, I didn't understand what she said and asked her explanation. But she just laughed and teased me on how innocent I was.
But shortly after, I started to realize what she meant. Love might be the most beautiful thing. But it could be hurting when everything went wrong. That was why; when love calls, you'd better ignored it, thinking that it was just like a prank call.
EXCERPT
Instead of having holiday at my dorm, I decided to spend my time at the office looking at the possible candidates from the list that Park Jinyoung-seonsaeng had given me while thinking about my plan for the group. I needed to start out fast if I wanted to meet Yongjun-sajangnim’s expectation. He had given me due date on mid 2007, around June or July to find out all the members, because we would need to train together as a team and prepare for our debut. I already found one person who I wanted as part of the member at that moment.
Story Review by xODarkMistOx (114/300 - 38%)
Note: Due to my busy schedule and life, I felt that I was able to review after reading up to chapter 10. I hope you understand.
Title (10/20)
Your title is pleasing, but it isn't exactly unique. It's like any other word and what I would say to spice it up is to use one ordinary word, and one unordinary one. When Love Calls is something a normal person would say. It sounds like someone that belongs in a poem. But this is a story, and to draw people in you would need something that would cause more curiosity.
Foreword and Description (20/40)
Well, apart from the typos which I'll correct here (I'm rewriting it because copy pasting with htmls involved is a pain)
"I once asked a friend, "What do you do when love calls?" and she replied with, "You let it ring because love is dangerous."
At that moment I didn't understand what she had said and asked for an explanation. Instead, she laughed and teased me at my innocence.
But shortly after, I started to realize what she meant. Love might've been the most beautiful thing in the world, but it could hurt horribly if everything went wrong. That was why, when love called, you're better to ignore it thinking it was a prank call.
It was good advice. But still, I couldn't help but fall in love innocently.
As you can see, there were a lot of mistakes and for a description you should proofread it before posting. It is after all the first thing people see, you want to give a good impression.
Readability (37/40)
You've improved a lot since the last story I read from you! There were barely any grammar mistakes and all of the ones I saw weren't really worth mentioning. Just make sure to proofread and check your tenses and plurals and you're golden.
Characterization (10/50)
Nothing was really interesting about the characters, but that didn't exactly make them very real. Since each character had so so many aspects and talents and such, it was all too much. Along with that, your characters may have some personality and although I found it okay, they weren't unique. They were fully fictional and it wasn't like they were in a fantasy land, they were in real life.
They were dealing with things such as business, training, and actual promotion and employement and I felt that their personalities should've matched that better.
Along with that, it didn't feel right in the first chapter at all when Lia's boss stated all of her talents and basically EVERYONE agreed that 'she was a jewel'. Mind you it wasn't that she was perfect or anything, it's how you said it. Perfect characters can be well written. However, they must have started out flawed. To me, it is ALL about how the character changs. I did enjoy how Lia gets a little more trustworthy and such but I feel like most of your characters fell short. I would've enjoyed it more if they started at the low and went up in the high.
Originality (10/30)
This story wasn't really original. Yes, you had many new and original characters but the really only original thing about them was the fact that you created them. They're pretty much all the same to me. Despite the fact that they were explained so thoroughly age wise, ethnicity, backgrounds and all that I didn't feel any sort of connection or even sense of realness to them and they weren't exactly my cup of tea. The originality of a girl who's talented interested into a guy at first sight and vice versa for the guy isn't all that original and you didn't exactly write anything that changed my mind about that.
However, creating a story with this many OCs is no easy feat and I am happy that you kept things organized. You did well in keeping them in order, however just give a little life to them. Make each one very very different but somehow all coexist.
Plotline (10/90)
Your plotline wasn't really anything new on the table. And even so, it didn't catch my eye. There wasn't anything about it that made me want to read it because it was so unique. That was what it lacked. It lacked it's own self image. It wasn't the fact that this storyline has been done before, it's how you executed it. I feel like it's because if your flat characters that couldn't carry your plot. To me, no matter what plot it is, outstanding characters can bring it to a higher place than the plot alone would.
It's like having an amazing plot, but lacklust characters as well. However I did enjoy the trainee moments when Lia was annoyed and I felt that anyone in that industry would when trainees weren't to their expectaions and such.
Structure / Mechanics (15/30)
Again, I think your call and love simile is brilliant! I feel like that was the highlight of your story, that one part in the description. However, I would have to say that sometimes you just need to hurry past a part. If everything is explained, everything becomes a big moment and if everything becomes a big moment, then it's no longer interesting.
Bonus (+2)
I did enjoy how you connected the literally phone calling kind of call with your title 'when love calls'. I liked how you said in the beginning that you shouldn't answer as if it's a prank call. Well done.
Reader's View
As a reader this story is underwhelming. This sort of story is something that fell short. In the very first chapter and also foreword, you turned me off by basically stating all of Lia's talents. When reading, there is nothing to discover. To me, when you put character profiles it's like showing people 'hey this is my plot and characters but keep on reading'. I didn't really read your character profiles mainly because your entire foreword and description were already a large read and also, I didn't want to spoil it for myself.
I dislike it when people say in their story that to understand their story, they need to read the character profiles in the beginning. Now that makes no sense. You read a story, to find out about the characters; not read a story about them. You read a story for a story not a story for characters.
Along with that, I find that you could've given more personality and depth to each and every character. There may be an attraction like oh he's good looking but I don't really enjoy how the relationship goes for Lia and Kris. To me, there's just no chemistry and you really have to work hard to make readers believe that characters belong with each other.
For me, you have to show a journey. A journey of understanding and learning and that's the key to great characters. Characters that are flawed and have only one or two things about them that set them apart from the rest. A character that has all of these amazing talents isn't going to be worth reading. Sure, you can really try and write about a prodigy, but you have to start out at the basics first. I really think before you go into music prodigies or multi talented people you should work on developing characters.
That was one long reader's view okay sorry but seriously, that's how I viewed it.
Additional Comments / Final Score (114/300 - 38%)
I greatly apologize for my lateness on this review! I really couldn't think and it took me quite a while to just read through ten chapters of your story so I'm very very sorry ;___;
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