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I know the title has some kind of symbolism, but I don’t get what a 7-colored rainbow has to do with seeing someone. Also, it would’ve been slightly better if you used ‘colored’ instead of ‘colors’.  To be honest, if I just saw your title without knowing the content of your story I probably wouldn’t have clicked on it. It just doesn’t draw me in.

The first thing I see are four beautiful sentences, but then I see: translation of the song lyrics by Exile. I understand it has to do with the story, but I’m kind of disappointed you didn’t write your own description. If it was a song fic, I would understand your use of the song lyrics, but you say in the foreword, which is quite the read, that this story is personal to you. So, why not make a small description yourself? Giving away a bit from the story to tease your readers.

In the foreword I can finally understand why you used this title, but why not just call it 7-Colored Rainbow? The ‘I Just Want To See You’ takes away from the story and makes the title unnecessarily long.  But, I think it’s also nice that you let your readers know this story is personal to you and what you want to achieve with it. That makes the foreword a little bit more special.

All right, where to start. It may be because English isn’t your first language (mine isn’t English as well), but there were so many grammar mistakes it was hard for me to continue reading. When you begin with writing you need to make it clear to yourself if you are going to write in the past or present. My mind was going back and forth to guess whether or not something was happening or if it already happened.

I think you have to learn about the present/past perfect and the present/past tense before you go write again. Or maybe just ask someone who is better at English to help you with grammar. It’s also handy to get a beta reader who can check your story for any faults before you post it. That way you know for sure your grammar will be okay!

When reading your story I also came along these sentences and they confused me very much so.

“But I didn’t know why my friends were every forceful that time, until I couldn’t say no to them.”

I think what you meant was:

“I don’t know why, but when my friends were being so forceful that time I just couldn’t say no to them.”

And,

“To see him open the taxi’ door and turn to see me; I thought I don’t have any choose other than to let him took me home.”

Should be,

“I saw him open the taxi door, turning around to face me. I thought to myself I didn’t have another choice then to let him take me home.”

These are just a few examples, but there are many more in the story. Please go find someone who can teach you (or you can maybe teach yourself) how to use proper grammar.  Because the grammar was so poor, the flow of the story just wasn’t good and kept me confused most of the time.

It was a bit hard to fully understand the characters because obviously they went to some pretty rough stuff together, but it isn’t explained in the story. So, when Takahiro is being nice and offering you a ride home with the taxi, I don’t understand why ‘you’ have such a hard time accepting. Because you yourself are the main character it’s hard to know your personality, because I don’t know you in real life and there isn’t really described how your personality is. The same goes for Takahiro.

The characters have a lot of dialogue and the story is centered around you, so we know what you are thinking. But even if we know what you are thinking, it’s still vague. It would’ve been better if the characters and their personalities were a bit more detailed. That way the characters aren’t too boring or cliché and they’ll have their own quirks and habits. 

I will give you kudos for being original, because it is your own experience. And if that isn’t original, I don’t know what is.  The -5 points are because of the ‘tragic love story’ feel. We all know it’s between two people, who love each other, but something terrible happened in the past and that’s why they have trouble admitting their feelings. Or well, something terrible happened to you and another person in your past, not Takahiro. But, of course Takahiro will help you and stand by your side.

Because it was a oneshot, the happenings were crammed in. There was lots of stuff going on and the story didn't really reel me in. I already knew where this was going; a confrontation with her former love with the help of Takahiro. There wasn't much surprise there. There were some good parts, but overall it was a tad bit boring. The conversations were dragged out and not really interesting. It could have been more interesting if you added in a plottwist or a surprising event.

The story follows the timeline well. It has that ‘angsty romance’ feel to it and it makes you want to read to the end. The ending was beautiful. It felt like you told your readers a hidden message: Don’t be afraid to open your heart for a new love.

N/A

Even though it was very hard for me to read through all the grammatical errors, I really enjoyed the story. I just felt ‘you’ and your feelings seeping through the story and that made it worth it to read. At the end I had a smile on my face and was all giddy that you managed to slightly open your heart again. I felt hope.

I’m sorry if I was harsh. Don’t take it too personal. I just want you to learn your grammar better and when you add that knowledge to your story it will be ten times better!^-^

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