I’m okay with this title. To be honest, I hated it at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it did its job. It isn’t’ memorable at all. I love how it ends with a period, though. It gives a feeling of finality, let’s me know that something –or someone– is going to end, and it won’t be pleasant. It really gives just enough for me to be intrigued, to guess that it is a story that has something to do with a mental disorder.

It also gives a hint to the theme of the story. As I said, the period at the end gives a sense of irrevocability, and a kind of hopelessness. It isn’t too pronounced, it kind of fades into the background, but in an okay way. The best way I can describe it is like a student in a classroom who never talks, who is always dressed in baggy sweaters and who wears dark jeans and too much make up. Some people write them off, but for others, they make you curious, make you want to see them and help them.

I don’t like the use of the word gulp, though. I feel like a food-related word would fit better rather than something that has to do with drinking. And, as childish as it sounds, gulp tends to be on the less appealing side of the spectrum of language. In other words, it sounds icky.

I really liked the title you had before, though. Until the Fresh Lilies Die is beautiful and poetic, and tells me the story of a heartbreaking tragedy. Though I don’t’ immediately think, “This is about an eating disorder,” I do think, “This is going to be sad and really good omg let me click on it.” I feel like it fits better.

The description really bothered me to be honest.
 

“Taemin struggles with anorexia and feels that he’s not good enough for SHINee anymore. Minho hates seeing him this way and wants to help.”
 

It’s cheesy. It doesn’t make me wonder anything, because it’s all laid out right there for me to see. It doesn’t make me wonder and try to dissect, because it doesn’t have any depth. It’s just… there.

If the title gave the perfect hint of what was going to happen, then the description kind of went a little bit too far, to be honest. I feel like I could probably figure out some of the main events just by looking at the description and the (ugh) character chart. I’m guessing that /SPOILERS POSSIBLY AHEAD/ Taemin ends up dying and by the time this happens Minho figures out he’s in love with him and then he regrets his decisions and wishes he could go back. I’m not sure about this, because I haven’t read the story, but that’s my guess for now and I think I’m probably pretty close. Either way, it would make me want to step away and no longer read it because I feel like it’s all expected, even if it isn’t.

That character chart needs to go. I don’t approve of character charts, unless you have either an abundance of characters and are creating a whole new world and placing it there for the convenience of others so they can keep everything sorted out, or… actually, there is no or. That’s the only case in which I feel like they are appropriate. Even then, it’s a stretch for me. I say this because we should be given the chance to figure out the characters on our own, we should figure out their personalities and interpret their actions on our own. Adding a character chart is ridding people of that experience, and that makes the entire story just that much more predictable.

The font is a little large for my eyes, and I don’t dig the way you switched from black to gray. It made it a little difficult to focus on certain things, and I think consistency is the most aesthetically pleasing route to walk down.

One thing I liked, though, was this part:

“He wanted to scream.

He wanted to run.

He wanted to die.”

I thought the progression from small acts of uprising mental problems to the more severe concept of death was really well done, and it added a nice touch. It made everything a bit more bearable, and I possibly would have continued on if for nothing other than those three lines and the title.

Also, be careful with your warnings! They are HUGE (I assume at this point I haven’t gotten past the foreword) spoilers. Since you have text selection on, I think you should put a little ‘Highlight for Warnings!’ and then make the text with the actual warning like a light pink that is hard to see. This is just so those who don’t want to be spoiled don’t have to deal with that possibility.

My biggest tip would be to try to make it a bit more metaphorical, make it more complicated. This is an intricate topic that you are tackling, and so it needs to be presented that way.

The first thing I thought when I clicked onto the first chapter was, “Oh God why.”

The pictures don’t fit with the feeling of the story at all. They’re distracting and obtrusive and just too grandeur for the subtle feeling that would have suited this best. The font is too large and it makes it look like you made it that way for no reason other than the desire to make your chapters longer.

Visually, this was unappealing and definitely not something I would have normally continued reading. I don’t know where paragraphs start or end. If formatting is a struggle for you (which I completely understand being the incompetent nincompoop that I am), then stick with the standard layout. It’s the most fool-proof, and should be really easy to read.

A big problem was the awkwardness of the sentences. Advice that I think applies to anyone that writes using casual vocabulary is to read what you write out loud. If it feels ridiculous, it probably is. It will also keep the smaller issues that I saw away, such as POV changes halfway through a paragraph. This is third person omniscient, so point of view changes are okay, but yours are awkward. However, I don’t believe that this should have any of Minho’s points of view in it at all. It would be better with just Taemin’s, and it would be a bit easier because that’s less thought development required. It would make everything else more developed and less sloppy.

PLEASE RATE THIS FIC. Even though it doesn’t contain or anything, it has themes that need to be rated.

Here are some errors I found. They were pretty simple, mundane mistakes that almost everyone makes. You were pretty consistent in your grammar, and I liked that.

Chapter 1

You wrote: His eyes were puffy and dark from lack of sleep, it had been at least a month since he last had a decent night’s, he reckoned.

It should be: His eyes were puffy and dark from lack of sleep, it had been at least a month since he last had a decent night’s sleep, he reckoned.

You wrote: Who was this new guy who though he could just wander in to SHINee, that’s right, just wander in and replace him?

It should be: Who was this new guy who thought he could just wander in to SHINee, that’s right, just wander in and replace him?

You wrote: Taemin sighed and replied with “Alright, alright I promise.”

It should be:  Taemin sighed and replied with, “Alright, alright. I promise.”

When writing a quote as an extension of a sentence rather than as one of its own, you need a comma to connect the few. Try reading it without a pause out loud. It sounds weird, right?

Chapter 2

You wrote: He wanted to become Taemin’s pillar of support and for that he needed strength: strength to face the day and strength to pretend that nothing was wrong.

It should be: He wanted to become Taemin’s pillar of support and for that he needed strength, strength to face the day and strength to pretend that nothing was wrong.

Remember: colons should be used before a list or an explanation that is following a stand-alone (not independent) clause. See what I did there? It was an extension of the sentence, but it was furthering what I had previously typed.

You wrote: The next day the SHINee members were all sat around the table whilst Key made them breakfast.

It should be: The next day the SHINee members were all seated around the table whilst Key made them breakfast.

This is an issue with transitive and intransitive verbs. Seat is a transitive verb with a direct object, while sat isn’t. Therefore, in this case, ‘seated’ would need to be used.

You wrote: When everything was cleared away and everyone had to prepare for their schedules (except Taemin’s whose had been cleared for his ‘injury’) Minho followed Taemin out.

A suggestion is: When everything was cleared away, everone aside Taemin, whose schedule had been cleared for his injury, began to prepare for their schedules. Minho followed Taemin out… (Add where Minho followed Taemin either to, or from. This is too vague)

I suggest this instead because the other one wasn’t really comprehensible. Yes, I can figure out what’s going on, but it isn’t smooth.

I don’t think that parenthesis are acceptable for things that aren’t either crack or , but if you really want to keep it, be sure the sentence would still read properly without them. If you were to take the parenthesis out of, “When everything was cleared away and everyone had to prepare for their schedules (except Taemin’s whose had been cleared for his ‘injury’) Minho followed Taemin out,” it would read, “When everything was cleared away and everyone had to prepare for their schedules Minho followed Taemin out.” That doesn’t make much sense, now, does it?

You wrote: He blocked the bathroom door. “Get out of the way,” said Taemin, annoyed, “I need in.”

It should be: He blocked the bathroom door. “Get out of the way,” said Taemin, annoyed. “I need in.”

Unless the previous part of the sentence has a description of how something is spoken, then it doesn’t need to have a comma after it. For example:

She whispered, “Please don’t leave.”

“No, I need to.” His voice was gruff.
 

See the difference? Now, if it had been one sentence that was spoken rather than two, and you had just broken it up with a tag, then yes, you would use a comma after it.

All of your other errors were just variations of the ones listed above, so go back and proofread with these things in mind! Check for commas, they are missing in a lot of places throughout the story.

The characters were all very translucent. With a subjects like anorexia and self-harm, it’s really imperative that you make the characters dynamic. There was no life in them, they didn’t hop off of the page at me, nor did I feel connected to them in anyway. I don’t know them. Everything was just so general that it really made me not really care.

Trying to break them down would be impossible, because they’re one-dimensional. Explain them more. Be descriptive, it’s almost always a good thing. Taemin wasn’t explained at all, and I feel that even until the end we had no idea or sense of who he was, what he loved, his priorities, his life. He was just a character, one that existed and then died. It’s tragic, yes, but not in the way that it should be.

Pathetic characters are okay, apathetic characters are okay, but characters that are portrayed pathetically or with apathy are not, because it doesn’t make anyone care. It doesn’t make me want to care, either. Bare that in mind.

This story has been written a million times, and you didn’t really add anything to make it your own. Originality isn’t just about plotline; it’s also about adding your own unique footprint and style to it. It seems like you’re still in that in between stage of, “lol look I can use words,” and, “hey I have a definite style that is easily recognizable.” That’s okay, but it will be harder to develop originality for a while. Everyone goes through it, so don’t rush this process. It’ll get there eventually.

This plotline was lacking in a lot of ways.

First of all, there was no development of plot. It was kind of just thrown at you, and then he died. I didn’t feel sad, it didn’t make me want to punch my computer screen and then roll over and cry. He died, and that was it. I moved on as soon as I finished reading the sentence.

Everything was way too vague. Why were all the other SHINee members essentially absent throughout this entire event? Why didn’t Minho report anything about Taemin’s attempted suicide to someone who could help him? I was left with way more questions than answers, and, in this case, that wasn’t ideal.

It seemed rushed, like you really didn’t want to write it anymore but you also didn’t want to leave out certain parts of the plot that you had planned. It was kind of awkward to read, and I found myself cringing more than once at how quickly everything progressed with no development of feelings in both the romantic and platonic way.

When Taemin got kicked out of SHINee, it was just… there. We weren’t put in the room, we didn’t get to feel his feelings, we didn’t understand. There was no empathy, no begging for pity. He doesn’t come across as desperate; he comes across as a whiny teenager. It just perpetuates the idea of depression that most have in their minds: it’s not real, it’s just because teenagers are complainers.

Go through and write down all of the important events that happened throughout this fic. Then try to see how well you explained these things. If you think it wasn’t up to par, then go and fix it.

This is where the praise comes in. Though your sentences weren’t super diverse and they kind of got repetitive, almost every mistake I found was either something that a lot of people do or a typo. I think that’s pretty impressive, and it shows that you put a bit more effort into trying to make it sound better. I think that if you got a beta reader, everything would be smooth sailing.

Work on finding a style, though! Don’t be upset when it doesn’t work out for you, just get up and try again. You’ll eventually succeed!

+2 for that background because it was so pretty *_*

Okay, I know this review was harsh, but I actually think this fic has a LOT of potential. You have the skeleton of a really good story, and I can say that I see it becoming something awesome in the future.

Try to start with things that have a little less depth than anorexia and self-harm for your next fic. You have to learn the alphabet before you can spell apple, right? The same applies to fics. Just work on it a bit and then you can jump into the beautiful land of psychological angst with no worries. It’ll be smooth sailing~♪(┌・。・)┌