(Stargazing) In terms of length, grammar, and capitalization, the title is fine. However, in terms of creativity and memorability, there isn't much. There are dozens of fictions with the same title as yours, which might lead the reader in mistaking your story for another. However, not all titles are about memorability. It is actually based on the it's relativity to the story.

So far, I cannot see how stargazing is linked to the actually plot. Yes, she stares at the stars every single day. However, what does that have to do with the story? I cannot tell until the story is completed or some sort of a dilemma starts.

Nevertheless, I would click on your title if I scrolled down the list of names, simply because it's beautiful.

 

    Baek Cho Hee, an innocent high school girl who likes to paint/drawing, stargazing and dreams to be an actress. Lay, a college boy who just moved to town with his father; likes to listen to music, stargazing and dance. Love blossoms, but not everything we see is what it seems to be.

After the title, people tend to read the description before subscribing. A description needs to hook the reader like a blurb in a published book. This description partly did that. Well, that last sentence did. 

The first two lines are irreverent information, it is not something we need to know at the beginning. The description does not reveal anything, which is bad because there is nothing to grasp the reader's attention. Are you trying to convey that this whole plot line is going to be about the love between the two characters? That is the only thing that seems a little clear. 

Suggestion: The love between Cho Hee and Yixing blossoms. However, not everything people see is what it seems to be. 

I would phrase it more like this but it is up to me. I mean it is just a suggestion. Better description could be made if you think the plot through once again. 

 

Your foreword was ok. You credited well. I would prefer it if you put a little about your inspirations on writing this story. 

 

The pictures are unnecessary. They have no reason to be there. There is no point of trying to make the foreword look prettier because that is not one of the reasons why people subscribe. However, I applaud you for making an effort. 

The colour seriously puts people off a lot, especially me. While it’s not a huge offense like using multiple bright colours, it can be a bit hard on the eyes if you spend too long looking at it.

 

Note: I will point out the mistakes everyone makes, even the native speakers.

 

Mistakes: Advises -> Advice; hearth -> earth; far away -> faraway; starts -> stars; sun shine -> sunshine; sun light -> sunlight; mad -> made; peak -> peek; simple -> simply (fifth chapter)

 

I do not want to go on about this section because you are a non-native speaker. However, if you want a detailed explanation then please PM me. I will redo this section for you :)

 

Your characters are not as believable as imagined. Everything was so underdeveloped that they looked like objects to me. Due to this, I found it really hard to relate to them. I do not know if this is because you are not a native speaker or if you have not thought everything through before writing. 

 

Firstly, I would like to go into detail about Chung Ho. Chung Ho is seven and Cho Hee is seventeen. There is a ten year difference. In addition, their father died when Cho Hee was five so Chung Ho was no where near birth then. He cannot exist unless the mother had another person or he was adopted. This makes me wonder if you actually thought about the plot before writing because if you did not, these mistakes would be made. 

I would like to point out that it is illegal to leave a seven year old in a house by himself, no matter how mature he is. The mother should have thought about this. Since she did not, she did not seem like a mother at all. It was quite absurd, actually, how you simply just left him there. In England, the parents would have to go to the station for questioning.

 

Secondly, Lu Han and Yixing have no flaws. This made them seem so two-dimensional. Everyone has flaws. Every single human makes mistakes. However, this might be because your story has yet to start. I hope you think their flaws through and make them fully rounded. 

 

Finally, Cho Hee herself. Does she have some sort of disease? Cancer could be passed down in generations. Ignoring that for the while, despite the fact that she does not have a father, she has no other flaws as well. This is the reason why all your characters sound like objects to me. I have no clue where Chung Ho came from, there is a mother who is irresponsible, and other characters with no flaws. 

 

I suggest after reading this review, read your story again and PLAN everything out before starting to write. PLANNING is really important in writing. I gave you five marks because your story has not started yet and me being harsh does not seem fair. 

 

I have seen so many stories similar to yours at this point. I will just hope you add your own twists in the future. I understand not all stories on this website is original and it is a hard process thinking of something new. However, I am not rushing you. I just said in the future somewhere. It might be the ending or just the problem it self. 

I wish you best of luck for this section. 

 

Note: Most of the marks were gone because you story has not explored that part yet; around sixty eight marks were lost because you story does not have a middle, denounment, and unity of all three. This is not your fault, I just suggest you request again once your story has been completed. The reasons for other lost marks are explained below.

 

The first chapter was about introducing the protagonist, I understand. However, I think there was no point in doing that. This is because a reader would much prefer it if you incorporated those information to the story itself, instead loading it onto one chapter. For example, the first line. ‘Every day I go to my apartment’s rooftop and observe the sparkling night sky.’ We will come to know Cho Hee goes everyday as the story progresses because it is in her prospective.

I think you should have started the whole story with her watching the night sky because that immediately links to the title. The opening paragraph should have been a description of the sky. This way the plot links in with the title and you could take it from there.

As the story goes on, we would learn that she only has a mother and two brothers. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that first chapter is something like a character description. Therefore, instead of telling us about her, show us. This means instead of saying she is shy, show us she is through description. (Shyness is just an example, by the way. It is not from your story.)

 

I will dwell into the rest after clarifying how I judge this section since it's the most important. In my opinion, there are three parts to a plot; beginning, middle, and denounment. There are also an extra part that is equally important; unity of all three. Therefore, I will be going into detail about these four. (I should have mentioned this earlier but I needed to point something out from the first chapter.)

With your story, I can only talk about the beginning because the rest is not there, yet. Your plot is something like 'Falling-In-Love-with-my-Next-Door-Neighbor' thing, which is quite unbelievable because not everyone you like is your neighbor. The meeting of the two leads, on the other hand, was quite original. However, if I was Lay I would just leave and not linger around the area to apologize but it is your story and in ways, it is interesting.

 

Your paragraphing was a little wrong. When a new character speaks, you are supposed to start a new line or paragraph. When the scene change, you start a new line or paragraph. You did not do that. You clustered all the dialogues in one paragraph. 

          For example: He sighs and starts speaking, “She’s you’re principal’s daughter. She’s the only girl I cannot talk to in my class.” he says as he lowers his head with shame, “Tell me, how’s she? Is she pretty?” I make myself comfortable in his bed as I hear him attentively. I’ve always liked to talk with my little brother. It’s not that I didn’t like to talk to Chung Hee, but to me talking with Chung Ho makes me feel important in some way. Since I give him advises and help him with homework, it makes me closer to him.

Correction: He signs and starts speaking with his head lowered down, "She's your principal's daughter. She's the only girl I cannot talk to in my class." 

"Tell me how she is? Is she pretty?" I ask as I make myself comfortable on his bed. I always liked to talk to my little brother. It is not that I did not like to talk to Chung Hee, but to me talking to Chung Ho makes me feel important is some way. I give him advice and help him with homework, so i feel more close to him. 

(I realized you made more than one mistake on this paragraph. PM me for an explanation.)

 

I think it would have been easier and much better if you wrote the story in past tense. However, this is a personal preference. 

 

You used numeral form for numbers. The standard rule is that you should write numbers out in words if they are under 100. Usually, in prose, all numbers will be written out in words unless they are not rounded to the nearest ten, hundred, etc., such as 567,891. It would be a pain and a waste of space to write out “five hundred sixty seven thousand eight hundred ninety-one,” but instead of “10,000,000,” you could just put “ten million,” and that would be fine.  

 

Your use of all capitals in certain sentences of dialogue is unnecessary. In general, this is viewed as amateurish and should be avoided in most cases. There are other ways to express an extremely loud volume and slurred speech, such as through description or the identifier accompanying the dialogue.

 

Your poster is just wonderful. The layout of your chapters was simple but great. 

 

I am not a slice of life reader so um. I am sure many of our other readers would enjoy this story though :)

 

Do not be disheartened by the score since this is my opinion and many other would might be different. Please request again when you finished the story, you will definitely score much higher. 

Keep smiling and stay blessed! xD

 

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