Living with L hasn't been as difficult as I thought. Since the first nights he hasn't acted all crazy. He acts more down to earth then ever. He even lets me help him with his restaurant around people that aren't in our circle of friends. If you know what I mean.i still can't figure it out if he is bipolar or has different alter egos that I never noticed. He is right I did get caught up with Kikwang. What I should have realized is that I wasn't just his friends. My mistake.

I don't want to think what would have happened if I would have ended up with L. his wouldn't be as high as it is now but would I have given in? I am addicted to certain things. Kikwang and just don't go together in a sentence. It doesn't exist I push this out. If I could start start over I would remember to be less cocky.

~

“Your three inches bigger then normal” the doctor says. I can't even see over my belly as I lay flat on my back. She puts the tape measure away. “Has she been eating to much?” she asks Jr. completely ignoring me. Why does she always do this . “Barely if you ask me” he says. I shoot him a look. He wasn't suppose to say anything. The doctor looks at me disappointedly.

“Nany you have to eat not for you but for your baby at least” she writes something down. Probably how I am anorexia or how screwed up the kid is going to turn out. It's not that I don't love our baby but it has me weak. Vulnerable. I can't do things as well. I can't drive so easily and I am only 6 ½ months. Now that's taking a toll on my life. So much independence for me.

I can't drink, smoke, have fun and I am lone. I haven't called Kikwang to pick me up. Part of the reason so the DEA won't know I quit. Nany Guerrero the top agent in her class a loser who drops out with it gets to hot. Literally. I just can't face my faults.

The doctor tells Jr. something, I don't hear. He asks her something. She response by showing him a chart. It's with stages of someone pregnant. She glances at me. “Now you might go into early labor but I can't tell till you hit at least 7 months sos stay clean Nany don't be a bad girl” her words shake me. She really thinks I am a hopeless case. My mind traces back.

I swear i already posted this is sorry for the confusion.