pandalaxic : Only Heaven Knows

Characters. Jimin, Yoongi, Taehyung, Jungsoo

Status. Ongoing

Description. Jimin lives in a small town that is set on giving him hell for the way his heart loves. He blames God for this and many other’s things.
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 3/5
Honestly speaking, I think your title suits the storyline well, especially since a lot of the plot is revolved around the idea of religion and beliefs. However, I find the title a little lacking in the originality and uniqueness areas. The words are common and even when put together, it doesn’t really catch the attention of passing eyes.


Description, foreword & tags. 7/10
Your description is short and sweet, which is a major advantage. You haven’t spoiled your plot by giving out too much, but you’ve given enough to intrigue your readers, making them want to read more to find out about what exactly happened to Jimin for him to deserve the hell from his town.

I really like the way you’ve written your foreword, especially the warning you gave to your readers. I do think it is a very good idea to warn people of the contents of your story, though it does somehow reveal parts of the plot one way or another. I also like the way you’ve talked about where the idea for the story came from, and the links of religion in the story. On the other hand, I don’t find the ‘About Story’ part necessary, as you have given enough information in other sections, so you’re essentially repeating yourself in that part.

As for your tags, I think you’ll benefit from adding ‘jimin’, ‘yoongi/suga’, ‘bts’ so it’ll it easier to find your story using tags. In my opinion, the tag ‘selfactualization’ isn’t really needed because that is what you will find out when you read the story, and the tag itself is very uncommon so the likelihood of readers using that tag to search is very low.


Appearance: graphics. 3/5, layout. 5/5
I think the designer of the poster had a good try at making it - I can definitely see the effort from within the poster. The theme of the poster does go with the plot, though I think it would be a little better if the emphasis is placed on Jimin, as he is the main character and currently it looks as if Yoongi is the main. As for the background image you’re using, I don’t think it matches the poster very well, with respect to the colour scheme.

The overall layout of your chapter is very simple and clean. It’s easy on the eyes and there’s nothing to distract the reader while they’re reading.


Characterisation. 10/10
Characterisation is probably the best aspect of your story so far. You’ve created your characters with a lot of thought and planning. The majority of the characters have depth, each with their own little background story, and none seemed out of place or unnecessary so far.

Jimin, the main character, is the main focus of the story. I must say, I am very impressed with the way you’ve created him. He’s not the usual happy-go-lucky character you’d see in other stories, and it’s a pleasant surprise to see Jimin being written in this personality and background. This Jimin is very unsure of himself, often hiding his thoughts and feelings, because he is just simply too afraid of showing himself. The people around him, especially his parents, have a negative effect on him, causing him to build walls around himself in order to protect what is left of his heart. It’s rare to see him open up to people, and certainly a surprise when he joined Minseok’s family for dinner and to see him break down in front of people he barely knew. I do think this character has a lot of potential to grow in the next few parts of the story you have yet to publish.

Yoongi is the next major character in this story, but unfortunately, there isn’t a lot known about him in this chapter yet. The number of appearances he made so far is too little for me to analyse him as I did with Jimin, but from what I have seen, Yoongi is someone with a story, which caused him to have a different demeanor around those he’s not close with, hence the difference in behaviour when he first met Jimin and after the younger has been to the family dinner in the mansion. Yoongi will be the key to Jimin’s development and change in the future, and I do hope Yoongi will have a positive effect on Jimin.

I’m not going to go on about the side characters, but as I’ve mentioned before, they’re all very crucial to the story and each character have a different impact on the main boy, which is enjoyable to see. You’ve done well in keeping the characters consistent throughout the chapter and I hope you continue to do so in the future.


Plot. 16/20
The plot is very interesting indeed, and as I’ve said previously, it’s rather new to see Jimin being portrayed in this type of storyline as the protagonist. However, the storyline itself is not the most original story out there. As of now, there isn’t something that clearly distinguished your plot from other similar stories, and I do hope that there will be something iconic in the future chapters, so your story will really stand out against many others.

The issues about homouality and religion you’ve brought up are very intriguing, and it’s interesting to see the different views people have in these areas. Religion and homouality are sensitive topics, and are quite difficult to write about (in my opinion), because there are a lot of things that you will need to think about very carefully before putting pen to paper so you know exactly what you’re writing about and from which perspective. In this sense, I think you’ve done quite well in doing so. The way you’ve added religious views into the story does add to its charm, but as I’ve said before, there will need to be something that represents your story enough so people know when your story is being talked about.

I’ve gone slightly off the tangent while talking about homouality and religion, but overall, your plot has a lot of potential to be developed more. I would say it’s pretty well developed now, but I think you will need to go a little further for this part of the plot to be complete. I do hope any unanswered questions your readers may have will be answered in the upcoming parts of your story.


Consistency/flow. 6/10
For this part, I think what I have to say may contradict themselves, but I will say them nonetheless. I think consistency of the plot and story is one of the strong points in your story. You’re not rushing anything and you’re taking your time in describing and explaining certain events, however I do think you have dragged out some parts a little too much. For example, the build-up at the beginning is quite long and it took a very long time for the mood to lighten up a little. I do understand that may be your intention to have it that way, but honestly, the chapter is very long and it did put me off a little when I saw the sheer size of it, and isn’t even a complete story. For some parts, I had to keep myself from skim-reading to reach the character interactions, because I found it long-winded and a little tedious to read. I feel it would be a little better if the chapter is split into two, maybe three, chapters, because there is a lot of information to take in from just one chapter.


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 8/15
On the whole, there aren’t anything major that makes your story incomprehensible, there are a few things that you should fix. While reading your story, I noticed that you tend to write in long sentences, which is good because it adds more detail into your writing, but there are a lot of times when you’re not using commas, and that is an issue because without those commas in place your sentences are jumbled up and do not make sense. Please make sure you look over that, as it occurs very regularly.

You also have the tendency to write in short sentences after long ones, but most of them don’t make sense (e.g. ‘Never raising his sight towards his father’ and ‘ Always looking down for his own good’). You will need to ensure that although the sentences are short, they make sense as well. Some of your sentences are a little awkward in writing. Although they may sound okay orally, but they are grammatically incorrect, make sure you have a look at those sentences as well.

Furthermore, I think you will need to do some work on your tenses. You are jumping between the present and the past tense too much - you will need to decided on the tense you’re writing in. It is completely fine to write in two tenses, as long as you keep that constant (for example, writing descriptions/memories in the past tense, and actions in the present tense, or vice versa). What you’re doing at the moment is switching between tenses when you have some narration in the middle of it.

For instance, let’s talk about the part when Jimin’s mother calls Jimin for breakfast. In that part, everything that was happening in the house are in the past tense, which is completely fine. After that, you wrote about the things Jimin missed (e.g. his brother, the way his house used to be home, etc) in the present tense, which is also okay. However, when you return to talking about Jimin and what his family was doing, you switch to the present tense, which is not okay. You need to be consistent with your tenses and make sure the narration between Jimin’s daily activities does not affect your tenses. Perhaps have a beta-reader read through your work to check your tenses.

Below are a number of mistakes I’ve picked up from reading your chapter.

1.
ORIGINAL: “Jimin come down the breakfast is ready!”
CORRECTED: “Jimin come down; breakfast is ready!”

2.
ORIGINAL: Jimin saw himself in the mirror for a last time.
CORRECTED: Jimin looked at himself in the mirror for the last time.

3.
ORIGINAL: The only missing thing was his tie that hanged loose around his neck.
CORRECTED: The only missing thing was his tie that hung loosely around his neck.
NOTES: ‘Hanged’ is also the past tense of ‘hang’, but it should only be used when something/someone is put to death by hanging.

4.
ORIGINAL: He contemplated the fact of how it would look like if it hangs on his neck as it would take his breath away.
CORRECTED: He contemplated the fact of how it would look like if it hung on his neck as if it would take his breath away.

5.
ORIGINAL: Mr. Park is reading the newspaper with a smoking pipe on his mouth but Jimin can feel him raise his gaze…
CORRECTED: Mr. Park was reading the newspaper with a smoking pipe in his mouth, but Jimin could feel him raise his gaze…
NOTES: This is one of the examples in which you’ve switched tenses.

6.
ORIGINAL: He misses the most when the house used to be a home.
CORRECTED: What he misses the most was when the house used to be a home.
NOTES: An example of awkward sentencing - the original sentence may sound acceptable when spoken aloud, but it’s grammatically incorrect.

7.
ORIGINAL: Things changed so fast he didn’t even felt or saw them coming.
CORRECTED: Things changed so fast that he didn’t even feel or see them coming.

8.
ORIGINAL: Sadness doesn’t cease and the many question increase as of why did he had to go through all of this.
CORRECTED: Sadness doesn’t cease and the many questions increase regarding to why he had to go through all of this.

9.
ORIGINAL: Unlike other days that he talks about the plans God haves for each person inside the communion he today talks about how God supposedly saved him from temptation and his marriage is now saved.
CORRECTED: Unlike other days when he talks about the plans God has for each person inside the communion, today he talks about how God supposedly saved him from temptation and saved his marriage.

10.
ORIGINAL: Is that how can a man like him be still here talking about being in the right path and doing things correct when he’s a bag full of dirty lies.
CORRECTED: Is that how a man like him can still be here, talking about being in the right path and doing things correctly, when he’s a bag full of dirty lies?

11.
ORIGINAL: … I must say that not even I remain extent of all his maleficent acts because I am a son of God.
CORRECTED: … I must say that not even I remain exempt from his maleficent acts just because I am a son of God.

12.
ORIGINAL: … he got determinate to make the culprit pay for this.
CORRECTED: … he was determined to make the culprit pay for this.

I’ve also listed a few words/phrases that you’re getting mixed up:
Sing -> sign
Fools’ -> fools
Fallow -> follow
Lawyer buffet -> Law firm
Pixey -> pixie
Haves -> have/has/had

As English is not your first language, you’ve done well in conveying your ideas through words. Although your English is not perfect, with some polishing, you will improve. As I’ve suggested before, I think getting a beta-reader to proofread your work will be beneficial to you.


Structure. 4/5
You are using paragraphs very well, though the only flaw in this part is that you’re not starting a new paragraph for dialogue/speech of another person.


Readers' response. 1/5
It’s a shame that your statistics are a little on the low side. However, from the comments you’ve gotten, it seems as your story is being well-liked. I understand why you’ve put your story as ‘subscribers only’, so I won’t go on with my usual speech about shutting potential readers out. I hope your story will start to become popular in the future.


Overall enjoyment. 7/10
It’s been a while since I’ve read something that’s in so much depth and detail, and although there were parts where it dragged out a little too much for me, I’m glad I read it until the end. I think for me, the highlight of the story was when Jimin and Yoongi met for the first time, and the their interactions later on were very entertaining too. The story itself has a deep meaning, and I do think you will be able to develop this plot into something that’s bigger than it already is.
 

total grade : 70/100

Notes