ShinEllie : Broken by him - Mended by destiny

Characters. Jonghyun, Kibum

Status. Completed

Description. Kibum was heart broken after his last break-up and the fact that no matter how much he tried, he couldn't find the right lover for him and his partners always hurt him.

It was one evening when he was crying on his bed that unfamiliar man appeared in his bedroom. However, there was something weird about the man – he looked a bit transparent. Kibum was frozen on his spot until he realized that the man was most likely ghost and he completely freaked out – to the point that he fainted.

When he woke up the next morning, he found that the man hasn't disappeared. The opposite – the ghost boy stayed with Kibum for a long time, watching how the boy started living again, just to be hurt by his lovers again and again.

As the time went by, Kibum realized the reason why he couldn't settle for any of his lovers – he already liked someone else. Someone, whom he could never have because the boy was dead. One day, the ghost boy started to fade away until he disappeared completely.

And Kibum was left broken once again. But is this really the end of this story?
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 3/5
Your title definitely suited your story. It's a mouthful, and though I felt that it sounded more like a chapter name rather than the name of a oneshot, I could also understand why you chose it.


Description, foreword & tags. 7/10
Usually, long descriptions are strange to read. A description should be short and sweet and eye-catching, and usually, we save the long excerpts for the prologue or the foreword.

I would have preferred if you had switched up the foreword and the prologue. That one liner foreword should have been the description while the excerpt could have been the foreword, but it's up to you ^^


Appearance: graphics. 5/5, layout. 4/5
Your poster is amazing! Kudos to your designer, because it gives out just the right feel and and aura.

Your use of italics and the font was also very apt. However, I did reduce one point here because I feel you could have improved on the paragraphing; it was a little bit messy.


Characterisation. 6/10
I tried my best to judge your story from an outsider's perspective and not as a hardcore shawol and jongkey shipper but it was HARD haha

Kibum's character as the protagonist is okay-ish. He seems weak, because he falls apart so easily, and yet you describe him as strong. He also seems very socially-capable, yet no friends really supported him when Taeil left; and as your story went, he told them to leave him alone and they just did. As far as I could notice, his character is one of contradictions, and though this is sometimes a good thing, in your story, it only served to confuse and puzzle me.

Jonghyun is more well-developed. I like the way you developed his character through small hints that you dropped all through the story, like how you introduced that he's a talkative guy.

I also feel that you could have described Kibum's love life a bit more? Maybe it's because you only described Kibum and Taeil, but I didn't really feel Kibum's desperation to find love.

Taeil is also a weird character for me, because I couldn't really understand his villainry. He seemed forced and unreal to me.

Generally, oneshot characters are difficult to develop because you don't have the time or the words to describe them to the full extent, but you did a good job for a rookie writer.


Plot. 12/20
Your plot is.. good. Just like your characters, it is a pot of contradictions. Your plot is more suitable for a chaptered story, because there is just so much to tell. But you chose to write it as a oneshot, which means that you had to cram everything into just a single chapter (two chapters?), and this meant that you had to cut out a lot of descriptions. Oneshots usually have a very simple, single-stream plot; no subplots and no extra bits.

But I definitely like that though you used a plot that isn't very rare, you added your own spice to it, and you made it your own.


Consistency/flow. 6/10
I wish you would have written it from a different perspective. As I said earlier, because your plot and writing style is more suited for a chaptered story, you had to cut and crop, and this meant choppy flow. But as an amateur writer to another, your flow is pretty good. All you need to do is spread it out over many chapters.


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 6/15
I love that you haven't used hangul words in between english text. Though you do have much to improve in terms of sentence structure (SVAO), articles (a/an/the), pronouns (he/she/it) and tenses (past/present/future), your English is good enough to understand. Though English isn't your first language, you've done a wonderful job! Practice is all you need~


Structure. 4/5
I mentioned this earlier: your paragraphing was a tad bit messy. Use paragraph breaks and gaps to differentiate between paragraphs. It's good that you made dialogues as separate lines of their own.


Readers' response. 3/5
87 Subs, 14 comments and 9 Upvotes, with approx 590 views are not too good, but not too bad either. Jongkey is one of the most popular ships in SHINee (and in kpop if I may add) so your story deserves more subs and comments, but you only recently posted it up, so there's definitely time to wait!


Overall enjoyment. 9/10
AH.

First off, HAIL JONGKEY~!

I liked your story despite the okay-ish plot and the okay-ish grammar. I liked Jjong's character and the way Kibum and Jjong seemed to connect.

Maybe I enjoyed it because I like SHINee.. but I also did like your writing style, though it is raw and undeveloped as of now. I wish you all the best with your future stories!
 

total grade : 64/100

Notes