CHAPTER 17

“Onje?”

“Onje gyoronhallke?”

       I myself surprised finding the crack voice released from my mouth. It wasn’t like me, the cool and though Taeyeon. Before my sense had any chance to figure out any further, I already felt my cheek and shirt drenched, that was caused no other by tears poured heavily from the corner of my blurry teary eyes.

“Daeum ju… Toyoire…”

       She said it would be Saturday next week, and hence she really killed me with her answer as I really had no idea about it, I was really not ready for it; I knew I probably might lost her someday, but… but… never I thought I would lost her this way… or this soon. All the things happened now was just like made me crazy. I mentally cursed myself for being so naïve, so innocent, so faithful about our love. I couldn’t blame her either. It was all my faults, definitely my fault for loving her so deep.

       “It’s too fast for me…,” finally I broke my dignity and admitted it bluntly. I didn’t give a damn about thing called dignity at all. For her, I would just surely throw it away. For her, I would surely turn into the grossest rubbish in this world. I didn’t care. I’d be everything she wanted me to be just to hold her in my arm again. I’d just go down to the hell and sell my soul there if it could make her back to me again… Because I really couldn’t live without her…

       “I’m not ready, Tiffany… I’m not ready…,” I murmured hopelessly. Now I slowly got up from my kneeling position, I took a sit beside her and buried my head onto her chest. I felt so weak, fragile, and vulnerable… I could feel for the first time the girl I once ever bullied now seemed had total control on me… She was remained silence, but I could sense her hugged me tightly and caressing me. It was an extremely long painful silence I ever had during my life. It’s like I got several stabs in my heart, it’s like I really wanted my soul just left my body, so I couldn’t sense any pain feeling anymore. But it just didn’t work out as I wanted. I didn’t faint. I didn’t die. I stayed sober. I just remained alive, bearing all those pangs and aches.

       “Why I don’t die???” I screamed hysterically. “Why there’s no sudden bullet just hit my head like I used to watch in movie? What it just didn’t happen to me?? Why Tiffany, why… Tell me why?” I babbled like mental breakdown person.

       “Mianhae, Taeyeon, mianhae…,” she finally said and only could repeat the same remark, as if “mianhae” could eradicate all of my pains, as if “mianhae” could make me forget her, as if “mianhae” could buy the time. I didn’t need her sorry; really didn’t need it…

       “Tiffany…,” I managed to say in the middle of my hard sob. I felt like crumpled her shirt now. “Tif~fa~ny…,” I repeated calling out her name again, more stammering. “Don’t leave me, please… Don’t leave me… I can’t live without you… I~ r~really can’t…,” I begged hard.

       “You can… You can, Taeyeon. All the things you should do is just forget me…”

       “You know e~even if I want, I’m still not able to do that… H~how can I forget the way I br~breath? How c~can I forget the morning sunshine used to greet me e~every morning? Y-you are the one makes me always remember how to breath… how to run every single day in my life in s~such a beautiful way… Without you… I’m lost, I’m nothing, Tiffany…”

       “I’m sorry… I’m sorry. I should never ask you to kiss me… I should…”

       “ENOUGH OF SORRY!” I suddenly released my head from her chest and shouted loud in frustration and desperation, making her just suddenly hushed.

       I continued sobbing. “Enough… It’s enough. I don’t wanna hear it from you again… It wouldn’t fix my heart, it will only hurt me even more… Hearing sorry from someone that for me already been part of mine…,” my voice was just back to crack again.

       I slowly caressed her cheek and wiped her tears away. I stared deeply into her eyes.

       “It’s all my own fault… It’s not yours… Now I know why from the beginning you kept saying that in the end I’d only get hurt… Now I could make any sense of it… Now I knew you’re just trying your best to save me… But I was too damn stubborn even to listen to you… My heart was stubborn… Stubborn to keep loving you… Though in the end I found it’s so painful, you know what the most wonderful part, Tiffany…?”

       She shook feebly.

       I forced my best smile and her wet cheek again.

       “Don’t cry for me, Tiffany. Despite of the pain, I never regret for every single second I passed through along with you… Despite of hurt ending, I still felt so thankful, during our human short live period, I was granted such a wonderful chance to know you… to love you… and to have a chance to come into your life… Isn’t it a wonder? Isn’t it… I shouldn’t ask for more??

       Tiffany couldn’t answer. All I could hear from her were only her had sobs.

       “Leave me with no regret, Tiffany. Please don’t put any regret on our wonderful love story. At least, for last, give me something left to be proud of…”

       “Taeyeon… ojjeol sueobjyo..,” Tiffany managed to pipe up again, said that she had no choice. “I never broke up properly with Dong Hae and… when my father and Dong Hae parents already arranged our engagement and wedding day, I really had nothing to do with it… Jongmal… ojjeol sueobjyo…”

       “I don’t question your reason… Gokjongma… I understand it…”

       “Fanny~…,” I managed to say again. “Fanny~ya… I even never expected will release kind of words from my mouth… But for you, I really don’t care about anything else… Fanny~yaaa… This is the last thing remaining on me… I’d just dump it to beg you… It’s my pride… I have no pride anymore… Now I’m begging you… Jebal, I’m begging you… to have you little bit longer… To have you little bit more… Let me steal you from DongHae… until the day you two get married and I promise I won’t come into your life again… I know I act like a … I’m so cheap, stealing bride-to-be from someone, in her last week, but really… I still need you… Please, don’t reject me… Please give me last chance to be with you, to steal your time with him… Please…”

       Tiffany didn’t answer again, only could manage to nod her head feebly. Afterward, I snuggled into her again, just like a powerless baby. I cried for a long time, had no idea for how long, but eventually I found myself already slept because of unbearable tiredness.

       In the next morning, when I opened up my eyes and just found myself on my own, I knew, I had lost her. Again. I knew she left. She’s gone. At that time I knew, no matter what, I would never have any chance to get her back again. This was final.

       Strangely, I felt like got numbness all over my body. It might be because the pain I bear had been over than my body could bear…

       While musing, I heard some knocking sound in my door. I recognized it was one of my worker voice. I quickly put my jacket and sunglasses on, managed to sound cold as usual and invited him in.

       “Annyeonghaseyo, Sajangnim,” he greeted me. “This is the document you should sign in.”

       “What document?” I asked without even tilting my head to look at him. I was staring out through the window, and all the things I could see now was the beautiful beach, directly confining with South Chinese Sea. A scene I once thought I bought it just to give it to my Tiffany.

       “You’d already got authority to give this island the name.”

       “Oh,” I just nodded in such a cool way. I squinted my eyes shut again, fight back the tears that already pricked in my eyelids, that could spill out anytime, but not in front of my worker.

       I slowly turned back and beckoned him to display the page I supposed to sign in.

       I bit my bottom lips hard once in a glance I read the letters…

… MiYoungDo…

       Yes, I gave the island name under her. I planned to tell her, it’s for her birthday present. But… she never gave me any chance to let her know… It’s really pathetic… Really… I smiled pathetically reliving all the scenes. MiYoungDo… What’s it for now?

       “Oh, yeah, Sajangnim. Jwesonghamnida… Your guest, the beautiful young lady, already left this island this early morning… I didn’t mean to let her go that way, but she insisted to go on her way… She said I didn’t need to bother myself to go along with her hence guiding…”

       “It’s okay. Not your fault. She’s indeed can take care by herself better than anyone,” I quickly cut off. “Now just prepare my ride. I’m leaving.”

       Inside my car, no matter how hard I suppressed my urge to touch her, in the end I found myself just never made it. I wasn’t that though, I had to admit. I was weak. I was kinda shameless. A girl… a girl had rejected me, she even didn’t give me what I wanted, even though I had traded it with my last pride… At the last second she even bothered to stay with me… And now, I still… texted her??? What such a shame… Yes, I was shameless.

       I hauled up my cell-phone and started to text.

       I must be so disgusting. That’s why you go away.

       At the next second, I already typed the second message.

       I can’t forget you. Even worse, I can’t hate you. Even if I really want to hate you, I really can’t. Even if I may find thousand reasons to hate you, my stubborn heart always whisper to me that she finds one reason to make me stay. Why I can’t hate you? Why, after all this time, I found I’m still hoping you. Now I felt this universe like laughing at me. It’s just like thinking that Pope isn’t Christian, right?

       I sent it and typed for the next message, but it was interrupted by a coming message.

       It was from her. Brief but hitting me so hard.

       Jebal… You can’t keep doing this thing. Please, stop nagging me. You even not give yourself a try to hate me.

(She… even didn’t want me to contact her anymore…)

       Okay. This is for the last time I contact you. I promise, after all you would never hear anything from me again. Tiffany… I need you to know… During this time I always think I have everything. I could afford and purchase everything with my money. But, finally I realized something… I learnt something… Even if after I dumped the last thing I could still clinging on even if I lost all my richness, that’s called pride and dignity, I still wasn’t able to have you… You’re still too “expensive” for me… You’re too unreachable for me… At that time I knew… I was really nothing without you… I might have anything, but it’s all nothing without you in my life… I… am lost without you… Now, there’s nobody give me the direction again. I may remain alive, but actually, I have already died… I know you may not want to hear it, but my heart just couldn’t stop saying: I love you. Cukae for your wedding, sincerely I said it. Goodbye and take care.

       Meanwhile, the song “Gidarida” (Waiting) just heard out from the radio… I smiled. I didn’t cry. I smiled broadly and rolled down the window, inhaled once, and just threw my cell-phone through the ocean. I caught my chauffeur seemed taken aback. I nodded through the rearview mirror.

       “It’s out of date,” I explained briefly and widened my smile.

       Deep inside my heart, I cried endlessly. But still, I felt thankful; at least I didn’t let anybody know.

       Goodbye, Tiffany. We'd never see again.

Onje gyoronhalke = when would you get married?

Daeum ju = next week

Toyoil = Saturday

Eojjeol sueobjyo = I have no choice

MiYoung Do = MiYoung Island

to be continued...

COMMENT. OKAY? *SPEECHLESS.

GIDARIDA (WAITING)

How is it that I've fallen in love with you
How can it hurt this much
Never before have I ever wanted someone this much
If I say I miss you about a thousand times, will it reach you
If I try crying and fussing, will you know my feelings?

Should I trying hating your name about ten thousand times
Shoud I just count the resentments
Although this love has already grown so much
Since you are not me, you probably don't feel the same
Yes, I was the one who liked you more than you liked me

Even if my feelings are hurt 9 times, I prefer smilling even just once
Since I'm happy by your side
I've never comfortably scowled in dislike even once
It was as if I could do anything you asked

Even if it's like a 1000 year long wait, I still prefer seeing you
One day, for one month, like that, one year
Though knowing you won't come, I keep turning around
Waiting, waiting... I fall asleep...

When will I be able to comfortably see you
When will I be able to discard all this desire
Because I want to know everything about you
Since when has it been living, hidden inside of me
Becoming a deeply embedded thorn that I simply can't remove

Even if my feelings are hurt 9 times, I prefer smilling even just once
Since I'm happy by your side
I've never comfortably scowled in dislike even once
It was as if I could do anything you asked

Even if it's like a 1000 year long wait, I still prefer seeing you
One day, for one month, like that, one year
Though knowing you won't come, I keep turning around
Waiting, waiting, I fall asleep...

I'm saving it for you and can't give it to anyone else
For me, it's only you, if not you
I'm more comfortable alone, so like yesterday, here,
The one waiting and waiting... is me...

Watch Taeyeon singing “Gidarida” out, at Chinchin. Here’s the link.

It’s a truly beautiful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edGqXdjsznA