CHAPTER 30

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

(Home-Daughtry)

Taeyeon Point of View

       BLURRY. Everything was blurry.

       All of the scenes I’d went through during my live suddenly like replaying in my sight. I could see them clearly, as if I was watching the movie.

       I saw the little me, running toward my father and jumping into him. He smiled widely and warmly, as if beaming warmth of the sunlight at the early summer in the morning. Skillfully the pair of his strong arms caught my petite body and inside his embrace, I was swing around. I let out a loud and cheerful laugh, making him laughed along with me. He stared me for a moment afterward before finally kissing my cheek.

       “Kim Taeyeon, I got the feeling, someday you’d be great person. I’m sure about it,” he said calmly.

      “Mianhae, Appa… I even couldn’t be a meaningful person… I even had wasted my life, I made you and Omma disappointed… Mianhae, Appa… I couldn’t be the one you expected me to be…,” I murmured into the silence.

       The next scenes just kept running. I saw the horror again, when my father’s body hit the ground after being hit by the car. I saw I’d changed into the rebel one afterward. I saw my life was so messy, fulfilled by hatred all the time. I could see as well the first day I came to the house… the house that had already given me so much memory, bitter and sweet. The house that had become silent witness of my love story. The house that had already seen the darkest and brightest part of mine. The house that listened to my pray and my cry all the time. The house that I knew, I would never come back there again.

       “Massive and extensive bleeding! Need transfusion!” I heard someone yelled, presumably the doctor, sounded faintly in my ears.

      I felt like dropping some tears. I wasn’t so sure since all the things I could feel was only numbness.

      The picture was flowing again in my sight. This time, despite of my numbness, somehow my heart felt stinging still. The pang just came, creeping over all my injury body, giving me unbearable painful sensation spreading over my numb nerves, punctuated by twinge of regret, sadness, and sorrow. It was her, popped in my sight.

       I saw the gloom sky, fulfilled by thickened clouds, agglomerated above, as if ready to pour the heavy rain anytime. Following it, sudden rumble of thunder was heard. I saw myself seemed didn’t care at all, sitting on the bench, covering my face with my palm. Kept calling my father’s name. I could remember clearly, it was the first time I had the row with her. I saw myself getting fainted. And afterward, in the middle of heavy rain, a girl holding an umbrella hustled across the street, approaching me. She quickly squatted and held my back, making me slightly inclined. I could see her face was fulfilled by anxiety. I could see her face was wet, and despite it was rain, I knew, the water run down her smooth cheek was tears. All of her tears were lost in the rain. It was the first time I caused the tears in her face.

       She dumped the umbrella behind and embraced me tightly, let the dropping water from the sky hit her aggressively, drenching all of her whole body. She hugged me for some moment into the silence. All the sounds could be heard was only the rumble of thunders that seemed didn’t care at all about human living.

       The next scene really caught me off guard. I had never had any idea about this before.

       She pulled away a bit so our face had small gap. She used the chance to take a look at me. I saw my pale face, soaked with water as well. My eyes were shut.

       She caressed my cheeks gently and tugged my sticky hairs covering my face. She slowly angled her face, got her face closer to me, and… brushed her lips toward mine. Even though I was unconscious, now I felt I could feel all the sweetness and passionate she’d already given to me at that time. I felt my body was all warm.

       She stole a kiss from me.

       And I was sure it was the most beautiful crime in the universe.

       At that time I realized I’d be happy to be faint even for thousand times just to get all the scenes over and over again.

       “Mianhae, Tae,” I heard she murmured near my ears. “I couldn’t stand it anymore. If I didn’t steal the kiss from you, I’m afraid I would never get the chance again… I… I was falling in love with you, Tae…”

       “Despite of the way, you’re my real first kiss, Tae.”

       She had already falling in love with me for a long time before I even realized it…

       “Pulse dropping! Pulse dropping!!!” another firm voice was heard, punctuated my cogitation.

       “In 80/50… Keep decreasing!” the other yelled.

       “Administrate epinephrine!”

       “Fanny~aaa,” I murmured. “If only I got the knowledge about all of those things… If only I wasn’t that dumb to not recognizing my feeling toward you as well… I really wish I’m not that so ignorant so I could realize it earlier… and maybe… just maybe… all those bad things would never be happened…”

       The sudden brightness was reflected toward me, making me couldn’t see anything. It was all white I could see.

       “Being a love with you was such a trouble, Fanny~aaa,” I smiled. “But you know the most amazing part? Despite of the pain and sorrow I had experienced… I’d never regret to fall in love with you… Even if I had to bear more, I’d still do… just to make you mine again…,” I played with my own thought.

       I felt my soberness was gradually faded away.

       Suddenly, out of the blue, the man I’d been missing during my life emerged. He flashed a warm smile like usual.

       “Appa…,” I whispered.

       “Taeyeon~aaa… I miss you…”

       “I miss you a lot, Appa… Take me with you, please… I don’t want to lose you again,” I begged.

Tiffany Point of View

       “She suffered from seven stabs,” Yuri uttered feebly, making me trembling even worse.

       There’s no one of them spilled out anything again. It was too shocking to be responded into words. Seven stabs??? What kind of person having heart to attack a small girl with seven stabs??

       The moment Yuri stated it, the blood seemed drained from my face and a sheaf of dizzying images fluttered through my mind. It was as though in that short moment, the world seemed suddenly stopped spinning around, my whole body seemed shook uncontrollably, my heart seemed tore apart, and my chest seemed so tightened, and all of those thing lead me to an unmistakable knowledge, that I really wasn’t able to be apart from Kim Taeyeon.

       I could felt Jessica’s hand involuntarily squeezed my arms in her surprise, but strangely I found myself even didn’t have any movement at all. I was frozen on the spot felt like all my blood cells already ruptured hearing the news.

       Assuming Jessica had already managed herself again, she hugged me from aside, guided my head to lean on her shoulder. I, just like an absent-minded person, involuntary followed her guidance.

       For some moment there’s nobody spoke up again, until a door next to the operation room earned squeaking sound once it was opened. I saw the old woman stepped outside and our eyes, inevitable, met.

       Suddenly I rose from sofa, approached her and bent my knee in front of her.

       “Mianhaeyo… If you look for the one who cause all of those incidents you can put all the blame on me… Mianhaeyo…,” I sobbed uncontrollably while kneeling in front of her. I even didn’t dare to see her face. I even felt like relieving if she’d like to spit at me, or even more, slapped me.

       Out of my expectation, I didn’t receive anything as I expected. A pair of hands raised me up, helping me to stand, and making me face her.

       “You’re Tiffany, rite?” she asked. Her tone was far cry from anger, really out of my expectation.

       “I’m sure my daughter didn’t want you’re getting hurt more,” she said wisely, but her sincere remarks just made me sobbed even more.

       She reached me into her hug. Normally, it supposed to be awkward, since this is our first time had direct interaction and moreover… all of those bad things happened because of me… But strangely, we (or at least me) didn’t feel any awkwardness… I felt like had already known her for a long time… I felt secure inside her hug…

       “I won’t look for who caused this all and I won’t blame you either,” she uttered.

       “It’s enough for all. As long as we still let the grudge grows up inside our heart, we will never have a life we supposes to deserve… I believe nobody flawless... So does my daughter… The things happened for some reasons, Tiffany. And I believe as well, what happened to her today, just happened because it had to be happened. Nobody supposed to be claimed to take the responsibility behind it.”

       “Tiffany… Taeyeon had already told me everything,” the woman said, making my eyes widened in surprise.

       “I, on behalf my daughter, want to apologize to you,” she said solemnly, really making three of them couldn’t bear their tears anymore. “For causing you the pain,” she said. “I believe, if she had any chance to say it to you, she’d say it to you herself… Because I knew, how much she loves you.”

       I really couldn’t spill out anything. What could I say toward a great woman like her?

       “Gomawoyo…,” I whispered in the middle of my sob. She beamed me a sincere smile.

       “D-do you still allow me to call you ‘Omma’?” I asked stammeringly.

       “Even if you didn’t ask me, Tiffany,” she said. “I’d already considered you as my daughter. Once Taeyeon had already chosen you, I knew that time I had already made a right decision.”

       I      

       Yuri proffered some letter to me afterward.

       “Taeyeon entrusted it to me when I found her at the park,” she said feebly. “I really couldn’t erase that image…,” she uttered. “My hands were drenched by her blood…,” she squinted her eyes desperately, as if want to eliminate the scene from her mind. Jessica instinctively reached her into hug and patted her head for a moment.

       I received the letter tremblingly.

       With my blurry sight, I struggled hard to capture every single word.

       My dear, Tiffany (Am I still allowed to call you my dear? I hope so)

      Life was indeed strange and I thought til I leave this world I would never really understand about any game in this world.

       It’s little bit funny, don’t you feel so?

       Do you still remember how we started it out at the beginning?

       Do you remember how I have to bit the bullet and stay with all of your tempered attitudes?

       Funny, though, because eventually I found, no matter I tried to stay away from you, I’ll always been dragged to get closer to you.

       That time I knew,

       I fell in love with a girl I’d never expected before.

       And we’re getting closer than I ever thought I might.

      In one side, I felt so gratitude could have the blessings. Despite of my dark past, I felt God loved me that much had sent me an angel like you.

       But you never knew, deep inside my heart, I’d always been freaking out to lose you, as I knew the more I love you, the more I would surely couldn’t live without you.

       Again, I felt it’s funny, Tiffany, that…

       Though I really want to be the reason behind your smile, it’s undeniable I mostly became the reason behind your tears.

       Though I really want to be someone who never hurt you, it’s inevitable I mostly caused the pain I could clearly see in your eyes.

       And though I knew I had promised you to be with you forever, somehow, in some way I thought I would never make it happen.

       Despite of everything you knew about me, Tiffany, please, just please, for this only time, you believe what I’d like to say.

      I never mean to do bad things to you.

      I knew I’d once been the most stupid person in this world, by letting my grudge grew up inside my heart.

       But at the day I saw your face reflecting the abundant love I’d always ravenous for, it made me clear that I’d surely want to start a new chapter in my life, just along with you.

       At that time I promised to forget the past, and with you, I’d write down our story together, fulfilled it with many sweet words and cheesiness, until eventually the time took one of us away, and believe me, even if one of us had to leave first, our name had already curved in each our heart. We would never be apart. And in another life, I’d come to you again.

       Tiffany, few days ago, a girl who looked like could foresee the future told me that the death would come… I didn’t want to believe it; either didn’t kind of person believe on sort thing. However, somehow, at the time I wrote down this letter, I really felt I would never see you again. But I hope I was wrong.

       You know why? It wasn’t because I expected to get your heart again. No. Absolutely no. you deserve better person, Tiffany.

       I don’t wanna die this fast, because I still want to have a chance to see you smile.

       Yeah, I wish, I could see your smile, even for once, before I die. I really hate to see you sad.

       But if God didn’t let me live any longer, I’d surely ask him to pair us in another life, yet helping me to touch your heart, to let me love you once again.

       Forever yours,

Kim Taeyeon

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

to be continued...

Does it work out to lead to some tears?