Dear Readers, I'd like to say sorry to you all because lately I wasn't able to update as soon as usual.

I really had many works to do... Routine works, workout, and much more...

Besides, I always going to take postgraduate program and I really need much time to prepare for the entrance exam

which would be held soon. I really hope your understanding. Thank you and enjoy this chapter! ^^

CHAPTER 27

       SUDDENLY, Taeyeon just felt like being able to make sense of everything happened during all this time. The moment Tiffany told her the truth that she suffered from leukemia and it won’t be long~ the truth she wished it was only the worst joke ever she heard ~, she felt like part of her soul already been hovered. She felt like really had no idea what to react. She confused when she found part of her really wanted to burst into laughter, in hope Tiffany just already gave her the prank and it just absolutely worked as it already scared her to the death; however the other part of her really wanted to burst into tears, as she started to realize, all of Tiffany’s remarks precisely undeniably provided the answer she had been looking for during this time.

       Taeyeon also didn’t have any idea how to express her feeling then. She didn’t know, whether she had to be happy or to be sad. As she figured out that Tiffany did bear all these pain on her own during this time made her realized that her thought that Tiffany just didn’t pick her over Dong Hae because she didn’t dare to face against the world with her was totally wrong. Instead, Tiffany, already sacrificed herself to not let Taeyeon knew her actual condition, to hurt Taeyeon a lot in order to make Taeyeon either hate or forget her, to make Taeyeon find someone better, someone who could be along with her for longer period, someone who was more capable to act as lover, as she knew… it won’t be long for her. All Tiffany did definitely needed what was called as courage and love. It was the biggest thing she could do to the one she loved most.

       Discovering how much Tiffany loved her, how great Tiffany’s love for her; apart from her illness, obviously made her felt so alive. But… this time, really, this time, after she found the reason behind her decision, Taeyeon really hoped it would be much better for her if Tiffany really left her for Dong Hae and now she just ran good life with him. Though it would be hurt witnessing how unfaithful her lover was, Taeyeon was sure that seeing someone she loved most been happy with someone else would eventually made her happy as well. It was called an unconditional love, wasn’t it?

       “Taetae,” the soft husky voice called out her name, yanked her from the reverie and along with sudden hug from aside. Taeyeon also could felt Tiffany buried her head into her chest.

       “Don’t be sad. Don’t cry. I don’t want to see you cry,” Tiffany whispered solemnly and it just already stung Taeyeon’s heart a lot.

       “How could you say so, Fanny?” she replied. “Tell me, if you’re me, will you not cry? Will you pretend that everything just be okay?”

       Tiffany couldn’t deny either couldn’t release some answer. She just didn’t want to see the gloom dawned on her lover eyes; however she also known she herself couldn’t make it if she was her.

       So, all the things Tiffany could do was only caressed her cheeks gently hence wiped the tears away. Taeyeon started to be able to manage her tears. She didn’t sob uncontrollably any longer, but it didn’t mean she could accept the fact as well. It was like… she just kind of tired of crying, as if she knew, she would only keep crying again for tomorrow, for the day after tomorrow, for the next couple day again, and again… and had no idea as well when it would stop.

       “Tiffany, mianhada,” Taeyeon finally could manage to let out some words again. Tiffany threw her baffled look as she couldn’t decipher what the apologizing was for.

       Slowly Taeyeon looked at her. Their eyes met for a while, with gloom cloud hung in each eyes.

       “I’m sorry I couldn’t bear the pain for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t substitute you… I’m sorry I couldn’t take over the pain for you. Why you? Why it had to be you…”

       Tiffany didn’t give Taeyeon any more chance to finish her sentences, as she already hushed her lips by brushing hers. For some moment, both of them felt like touched Heaven already, as it had been very long time for her, to not touching each other.

       “I love you,” It’s the only words Tiffany could say in the middle of their passionate kissing session.

       “Now as we already known we didn’t have much time, why don’t we use the remaining time as best as we can, Baby?”

       Taeyeon shook her head sadly.

       “Why do you keep emphasizing that you have no much time left, Fanny?”

       “Because I’m tired of lying, Taetae,” Tiffany replied solemnly. “I kept runaway and hide from you… It really tortured me. You had no idea it wasn’t my disease that tortured me much, but you… I missed you a lot, Taetae. I missed you. All this time… it wasn’t countable… how much the desire to back to you emerge and urge me to do so… and everytime I felt couldn’t bear it anymore… couldn’t bear my missing feeling, there’s other part of mine as well felt like alarming me… It controlled me to not ruin your life anymore. It was enough to once come into your life and broke your heart. It wouldn’t be fair for you at all if I came back to you again after all this time… While… I… I did missing you, Taeyeon. I do missing you… I kept dreaming one day we’d be together again… and I just couldn’t believe it… when now… I find you’re here with me. It was more than enough for me, Tae. I should count my blessings now.”

       “So… I wouldn’t lie again. I wouldn’t lie to you by saying that everything would be fine, as many people often tell whereby they already known that everything wouldn’t be just fine! When I was diagnosed, it was already on 3B state. The prognosis was poor. I want you… if you don’t mind~ to face this world together along with me… until finally the time makes us be apart.”

       “NO!!!” Taeyeon quickly reacted. “Andwae!”

       “You know I won’t let you go again. It’s enough for me, to be the stupid one to lose you once, and I swore to myself I wouldn’t let it happen again, Tiffany. Please take me to your doctor. Let me talk to him and I’d do anything, you heard me, ANYTHING, to cure your disease! I believe in miracle, Tiffany. Please, don’t give up.”

       “Baby,” Tiffany murmured again. “We both know there’s no party that doesn’t end in this world.”

       TIFFANY bothered to bring Taeyeon to meet the doctor who’s in charge of her treatment now. Less or more, Taeyeon felt could reason it out. Most probably Tiffany didn’t want Taeyeon heard much more fact that would made her down. But whatever it was, Taeyeon thought she would find some way to meet the doctor. But for now, she wouldn’t do any force to Tiffany. Tiffany’s happiness was her priority only. Tiffany wanted her to treat her not like a patient one, but instead, she wanted Taeyeon treated her as her lover. According to Tiffany, there’s nothing better than spending the last days with the beloved one, like this. And Taeyeon knew, at this time, she had nothing more to do with it.

        “Baby you’re that all I want, when you’re laying here in my arms… I’m finding it hard to believe… we’re in Heaven…”

       Taeyeon slowly opened up her eyes as she faintly heard the serenade voice hummed near her ears. And she couldn’t help, but finally smiled as she discovered her girlfriend had already awaken and with full-in-love sight stared at her. Finding Tiffany sang for her too, made her felt already completed. Moreover, it was indeed, unconsciously, Taeyeon leaned on Tiffany’s arm and she could feel Tiffany really meant it when she hummed the song.

       “Are we really in Heaven?” Taeyeon replied and widened her smile.

       “I guess yes,” Tiffany nodded her head. In a glance, Taeyeon noticed, Tiffany’s face was really pale and getting thinner. Her cheek bone seemed more prominent than usual, but strangely Tiffany looked like didn’t hold any pain. Instead, despite of her appearance now, she seemed like a brand new person.

       “Tell me where’s else I could find an angel lay on my arms?”

       Taeyeon shook her head in disbelief and as the answer she just leaned forward and jutted her lips to drop a morning kiss on her girlfriend’s forehead.

       “I love you,” Taeyeon whispered.

       “I know that. I love you too.”

       “I’d die thousands time only to get the chance to see you again.”

       Tiffany shook her head in disagreement but actually her heart already almost exploded in amusement hearing the cheesy solemn remark.

       “Stupid statement,” Tiffany said. “You’d miss the chance to find someone better then.”

       “I won’t,” Taeyeon shook her head. “But I’d miss the chance to feel alive if I couldn’t see you. Because I don’t need someone better or someone else. All I need is you. Only you.”

       “Taeyeon…,” Tiffany felt so speechless and touched.

       “Tiffany,” Taeyeon replied while holding and squeezing her hand to give encouragement. “This I promise you. I’d always love you, even if you forget to love yourself.”

       Tiffany could only embrace Taeyeon as her reaction. She hugged her for some moment, felt so lucky despite of her disease that she already known eventually would take her away from her.

       “Tiffany,” Taeyeon piped up again after a short pause. This time she spoke carefully as if about to tell her something important.

       “Yes, Baby?”

       “I know you’ve already asked me not to discuss it, but please understand me that I really don’t want us to give up this way,” Taeyeon went on carefully again. “At least let me get the knowledge about your condition and let’s see what I can do with it.”

       Tiffany heaved a huge sigh and looked at her sadly.

       “It isn’t I don’t want you to know it, Taetae. I just don’t want you’re getting into frustration again when you discovered how terrible my condition now. I meant it won’t change anything. I’ve absorb the knowledge from the doctor and though at first I felt like want to cry out, I felt like burst into anger, I felt like the world was so mean to me, at the end I realized, like it or not, I have to learn to accept it. I have experienced the feeling ~ the feeling of not to cope with this fact and believe me, you don’t want to experience it.”

       “But… how’s the medication? How’s the treatment? Do you suppose to… not to be here, Fanny~ya?”

       “You mean you want me to be hospitalized, like in prison, and wait for my dead coming like a corps?”

       “Ani! How could you think me that way?” Taeyeon hastily reacted and unconsciously raised her pitch.

       “Because you seem like pushing me to run all of the medication and treatment. You want me keep trying when I know I’m not that strong. You have no idea how suffering it was! You don’t know because you weren’t me! You have no idea how hell the effect of chemo and radiotherapy were! It wasn’t I didn’t want to give it a try! The point was I just didn’t want to experience the pain more when I knew all of the treatment would only prolong my life for ~ mention it one or two months if I may get ‘lucky’, instead of completely healing me! You have no idea how it felt when you found yourself was getting weaker, thinner, your hair were falling out, your skin was getting darker, your tongue felt bitter… You lost your appetite, you felt vomit all the time, you felt so freaked out when you saw into the mirror…”

       Taeyeon shook her head feebly hearing Tiffany’s sarcasm, but she couldn’t blame her as she knew how it felt.

       Before Tiffany had any chance to finish her anger, Taeyeon patiently reached Tiffany’s head and put it on her shoulder. Tiffany tamely lean her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder. Her eyes now were spacing out, while her ears listened to what Taeyeon said. Tiffany just stopped her babbling as she started to cry and sob. While caressing her gently, Taeyeon went on again.

       “Mianhae, Fanny~ya. I only want the best for you.”

       “I know that, Kim Taeyeon. Mianhae…”

       “No need to apologize. It’s my fault, Fanny~ya. I’m sorry. I’m too selfish.”

       “No… It’s me… I… I just couldn’t make it happen, whereas you always do everything for me. Mianhae, Tae. Mianhae I’m not that tough.”

       “Ssshhh,” Taeyeon whispered. “I supposed to think first, think considerately before spill it out to you. I supposed to understand your position.”

       “I’m sorry again…,” Taeyeon murmured. “I’m sorry I can’t be sick for you.”

       “Don’t say that way. You make me feel so bad.”

       “I feel so ignorant, why I didn’t see it coming…”

       “It’s not your fault. I hide it from you.”

       “A good lover supposed to know every little thing hidden.”

       “You’re indeed not a good lover,” Tiffany trailed off. “But you’re a great one, Baby,” she smiled and spontaneously dropped a peck on her cheek, while her arms curled around her neck. Her impromptu action just didn’t fail to make the latter smiled in the end. Afterward, Tiffany stared at her seriously again before asking.

       “You won’t ask me to get either chemo or radiotherapy again, Tae?” Tiffany gingerly asked and tilted her head to look at her. Taeyeon smiled bitterly and nodded her head.

       “I’ll do anything you want.”

       “Tae, gomawo.”

       “In my love dictionary, no need words thank you, Baby,” Taeyeon.

       “If so, in my dictionary, every single word of thank you would be just replaced by a kiss then,” Tiffany replied sweetly and just kissed her again.

       Taeyeon couldn’t help but smiled again. After all, Tiffany put her chin on her shoulder while hugging her for some moment. She could feel the girl embracing her now was really falling so deep into her. And the fact that Tiffany rejected to the treatment and medication, actually already broke her heart. But, in other way, all the Tiffany’s remark just made sense. It was Tiffany and it was her body as well, who received the treatment and felt the side effect as well. She really couldn’t force her to continue the medication… But if she stopped it… did it mean… all the hope, slowly but sure, went glimmering?

       Thinking about one day she would lose her this way, and probably it really wouldn’t be long, really already made her shattered. As Tiffany could see her face, Taeyeon let the tears run down her cheek again. She cried silently, while the other girl hugging her smiled happily as she could spend her last days with her lover.

       “Tae, why are you so quiet?” suddenly Tiffany asked.

       With one silent exhale, Taeyeon managed to stop her tears and replied fake-cheerfully.

       “Ani. Just enjoy this moment,” she said. Still with the mixed thought tangling together in her mind, she chuckled and asked.

       “It’s been long time we don’t have any date. What if we go to Disneyland?”

       Tiffany’s eyes were widened in excitement hearing unexpected offer.

       “Jinjja, Tae?? You’d bring me to Disneyland?”

       Taeyeon nodded her head though she knew Tiffany couldn’t see it.

       “Yes. As I said, I’d do anything for you. I was born to make you happy, Fanny~ya.”

to be continued...