AFTER BEEN WAITING FOR A LONGGGGG TIMEEEEEE...

FINALLY I PROVIDE TIFFANY POINT OF VIEW

I KNOW YOU ALL MISSED HER ALREADY...

SO... HERE WE GO!

CHAPTER 26

       I knew I was really falling in love with her since… since… Ah, I had no idea. Really. I even didn’t notice it at first. I just knew I missed her presence, her face, her voice, smile, her laugh, her bossy character, her arrogant, her stubbornness, her… everything. I knew it sounded insane, but I was totally sane when I said everything on her made me addictive already. I was looked like a junkie missing the ectasy. I missed her already. At first, I thought it was only another trick playing on my mind. I thought I just adored her because she’s different. I thought my heart was racing out when I met her eyes because I she scared me out. I thought it was because I was worrying because she was about to either bully or prank me again. But as the feeling was just getting stronger and I noticed I felt like some twinge squeezed inside my stomach everytime I see her, I knew there’s something ‘wrong’ with me. No. maybe not totally wrong. Falling in love would never be wrong, wasn’t it? Or was… falling in love with a girl a sin? If loving her was a sin, I must be the most blessed sinner then.

       I had no idea what happened to me at first. I had no idea why I just missed her already when I found she seemed lost her interest on me. I meant, interest on fooling me around. This was crazy, I thought. I, even couldn’t believe myself, that there’s part of me missed her prank. Crazy, right? I had no idea at all why I was so adamant, seemed had thrown my dignity away and kept pleasing her when I knew she had already pushed me away after I dated back with Dong Hae. All the things I knew were only I didn’t want to lose her. I always wanted to be with her, even if I had to be her “toy” again. Pathetic? No. This time I dared to say no. I wasn’t pathetic. It wasn’t kind of feeling I ever felt before. Nobody could make me feel this way, no one, apart from the arbitrary girl named Kim Taeyeon.

       At the night I found her at the bar on Sinchon, suddenly I realized I was so worried about her. And just all of sudden, the guilty feeling begin to creep over my whole body. I blamed myself as I thought it was me, caused her run into the liquor. And when Dong Hae Oppa questioned me about her, to tell the truth, I’d really really want to say that I had crush on her as well, instead of denying it. And I just realized as well, at that time I felt so numb toward Dong Hae. Or more precisely said, I might never have any real feeling toward him. I might only either adore or like him because he’s handsome. As simple as he treated me bad, I might only had any fling with him. That’s all.

      That’s why I decided to break up with Dong Hae after all, not long after that. Because finally I knew where my heart casted. The ship already found the shore.

       It was just indescribable feeling when our eyes met. I felt I could dive into her eyes and felt what she was trying to say to me secretly. I could feel sparkles of love reflecting from both warm hazelnut pupils staring at me that time. Call me cocky, but I just told you the truth. I could feel her warmth despite of her cool and indifferent character. I could feel her perceptiveness despite of her ignorant feature. I could feel the real her hiding behind her irritating character. I could feel the mixing feeling between anxious and sincerity when she confessed her love toward me. I knew it.

       I remembered the moment when we’re at the park. She bought me ice cream and she treated me so sweet. She didn’t bother to reveal her caring side toward me anymore. And when she asked me why I wore long sleeve clothes in those kind of damn hot sunny day, I was slightly surprised. I meant, she paid attention too much toward me, and… frankly, I couldn’t tell her the main reason. I just… couldn’t.

       I knew she summoned her courage to say it, already. I knew it was hard to spill out sort confession like that. Girl to girl confession. I knew she threw her shame away. She did it because she couldn’t stand it anymore. And if only I could tell her, I’d like to say… I couldn’t help it anymore. If only I had another choice, I’d surely spread my arm and pull her into my hug. I’d surely embrace her tight, under the rain, and whispered near her ears: I’ve been waiting so long for today, Taeyeon. You’re so mean. Why took so long? I love you too.

       But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t.

       As gloom as sky above us, I could see the gloom started to dawn into her eyes as well. It was a tough time for me, if you wanted to know. As the tears started to tickle and prickle on my eyelids, I struggled hard to not let it pour in front of her. Though I might cause it, trust me, I was getting hurt too.

       For adding my pain, it wasn’t relieving at all witnessing her quickly improvised and burst into laughter ~that on my ears actually just heard as pathetic laughter~ , hit the bench and said: Got you! I knew she bear a lot of pain behind her laugh. It’s for the first time I blamed and hate myself. It’s for the first time I thought I had hurt her consciously.

       The second time I thought I blamed and cursed myself again was when I was requesting her to let me kiss her at the cinema. And… I didn’t let her kiss me back. I was selfish, I knew. I did it because I didn’t want her fell in love any further with me. I just wanted to kiss the lips that I knew would never be mine. Because I thought if I didn’t do it that time… I would never had any chance anymore. Was it… too much?

       I live in world of dishonesty. I had it but really, eojjeol su eobsjyo. I hated it whenshe looked at me in concern and thought I was getting thinner because I was on diet. I was about to tell her that I did diet because I was about to get married with Dong Hae, but the remarks just couldn’t be let out from my mouth. She fed me, patiently. It almost made me burst into tears, witnessing the one I really loved treated me that way. In understanding and wonderful way. In such a way made me felt so precious. Made me never regret this condition…

       And at last, when I thought it was the last day I had the chance to see her, I just did my best to her. I offered my ity to her. I’d be delighted if it’s her, who took it away from me. But, this warm-hearted girl just rejected me. She’s stupid! Stupid. Why she had to consider too much? Why didn’t she just act so ert and took it away? I hated her because she just already made me fell into her… deeper. She… totally had my whole heart.

       When she kneeled and begged to me… I thought I better die rather than witnessing her so in pain like that.

       When the dawn came, for the last time, I realized, I stared her for some moment. I stared her… who was already slept because tired of crying. For the last time, I caressed the porcelain smooth skin cheek gently and carefully, afraid of waking her up, and stole a kiss from her. A drop of tears couldn’t be held anymore, and it just dropped onto her cheek, run down her chin and dropped again onto her neck. I knew I couldn’t stand it anymore. If I could stay there, I would earn more sob and finally all my plans would end up into failure. Total failure. So I just quickly rose and walked toward the door.

       Once again, before I left, I made some chance to my head and look at her once again.

       “I’m leaving because I love you. You may never get any chance to absorb it, but I just hope you don’t hate me too much, Baby,” I whispered secretly and while holding my tears, I left.

       “Morning, Tif~…”

       “Oh, My God! What are you gonna do, Fanny~ya!”

       I heard Luna screamed in horror and I just realized I had freaked her out by standing at the balcony this time. As she got approached me, I just couldn’t help but burst into laughter. She frowned and I tried to manage to stop my laughter.

       “Easy, Luna,” I said and smiled. “It’s not what you’re thinking. I wouldn’t do such stupid thing by throwing my body down.”

       I could see Luna’s face was blushed into embarrassment as she got me wrong.

       “Errr… I just…”

       “I know. Don’t worry,” I giggled and patted her shoulder. “I just reminisced something. And I think I need some fresh air.”

       “Why don’t you take a walk at the park? Morning air was good for you. Don’t you usually take a walk in the morning?”

       “There’s nothing good to me, actually. Nothing could change the situation.”

       My remarks just made Luna’s expression changed into dark one. She shook her head and looked at me in concern.

       “I don’t like the way you talk. You said as if everything had been over. You must not give up.”

       “Luna, you know what?” I beamed her smile. “It’s very nice to meet someone as nice as you. You keep encouraging me. But both of us know… how it eventually would end up, right?”

       She shook her head firmly. “You must not say sort of things!”

       She tried to state it firmly as well, but I just could hear her voice was slightly crack. Didn’t want to hurt more people, I tried to finish it. I smiled as best as possible and said,”Okay, okay. Don’t worry. I won’t talk so anymore. And of course, I won’t give up.”

       Hearing my remarks, her face turned into bright again.

       “Really?” she asked. I managed to nod and patted her shoulder.

       “I promise,” I said solemnly.

       “I’m really glad hearing this!” she said cheerfully.

       “I’m glad to see you cheerful,” I replied. “So, I think now I’d take some walk around the park. I need some fresh air. It’s good for me, right?” I asked.

       “Yes, go ahead. Sorry, I couldn’t walk along with you. I have to check another room.”

       “No worries. Let’s lunch together later. Bill on me!”

KTY

       I couldn’t believe it, finally I was standing somewhere in this world, at the place I never reached before. Everything was so strange for me. I hadn’t known anybody here and moreover they talked with language I didn’t really understand. It absolutely made me felt so uneasy. I felt like lost. Inside my grasp, there’s a piece of paper with Krystal hand writing on it, mentioned the address I supposed to head to find her. As I had no idea at all how to start it out, I just thought to ask some random people crossed over this large park. There’s bunch of people here and there, and they seemed had their own world. I just felt didn’t want to bother them, frankly.

       This made me crazy. As I really got frustrated I couldn’t help but started to text Krystal.

       I’ve reached the park. How could I find her?? Are you sure I’d gonna find her here?

      Not long afterward a text coming. It’s an immediate answer from Krystal.

       Silly dork XD Of course I’m sure. How could I send you to wrong place? You must be getting nervous, huh? I know you miss her a lot! Hwaiting Kim Tae!!

       I unconsciously smiled reading the answer and I just felt slightly relief as finally I found someone to talk with, even if she’s just million far away from me. I felt her like be with me now. Thanks, Krystal. I owed you so much, I murmured. Afterward I just peered down and focused on texting. As I didn’t pay much attention to everything around me, I just accidentally bumped something or someone if I might rephrase.

       “Ugh!” I quickly lifted my head and rubbed my temple.

       “I’m sor~…,” I hastily managed to apologize but…

TH

       I must be dreaming. It couldn’t be happen!

       As I turned around to see who’s colliding to me, I couldn’t help but became dumbfounded. I couldn’t composure myself for some moment.

       The same eyes. The same sight. The same pain. The same joy. Now were all directing to me.

       She… she must not find me! It really couldn’t be happen! No matter how much I missed her, no matter how many times I always dreaming about her… No matter how great my desire to see and hug her… I just couldn’t let it happen!

       Hard, but finally I could manage my feet to move. Quickly I turned around again and was about to dash. I took the chance to leave when she’s dumbfounded too.

       Dashing I quickly went away. And again, as my heart started to feel some ache, my tears were about to spill out again. Again…

       But it just already took three steps when I realized I couldn’t move any further. It wasn’t because something in front of me blocked my way. It was because… I couldn’t help again. My leg had already betrayed me. It stopped moving.

       They stopped moving as a pair of hands just wrapped my waist from behind. I didn’t struggle to release. All the things I could do was only hung my head low and bit my bottom lips.

       Afterward I felt her head glued on my back, deep and tight. As tight as her hug to me. As if she didn’t want to lose me again.

       At that time I just felt warm. The same warm as she ever and always gave to me. She never changed. And I also knew… my feeling toward her… never changed as well… We’re still the same. We’re never changed. Our love was never changed.

       In the silence we stayed with the same position for some moment. Nobody bothered to talk as if wanted to relish this moment for some moment.

       Until finally I heard she said above a whisper…

       “Tiffany… Don’t go. Please don’t run away again. Please don’t leave me… Please take me to whenever you’re going to go…”

KTY

       For the first time finally I understood what Krystal did to me. For the first time I realized that Krystal’s love toward me was so great… and it made her sacrificed everything, including letting me go to find my true love. After all this time, I realized… in fact, my love toward Tiffany would never getting lessen at all. I still love her, and always… love her. I would never let her go again this time. Never. Even if she dragged me to the hell, I would go along with her.

       “Tiffany, I miss you,” It’s all the thing I could say while kept hugging her from behind.

       “Tae tae… Why… why you come back to me?” It’s all the things she could say back to me. It hurt me already. It’s of course not kind of answer I wanted to hear.

       “Do you hate me?” I asked again.

       “If it could keep you away from me, I’d just say yes,” Tiffany replied.

        “I’ve told you, even if you drag me to the hell, I’d just go along with you.”

       “You don’t understand, Tae tae,” her voice began to crack.

       “Then make me understand, Tiffany. Sometimes I even think I don’t need to understand anything. I just want to love you. As simple as that… I’m going to run my life. Did I ask too much?”

       “Taeyeon, you can’t be in love with me.”

       “It’s the thing I’ve heard even from the beginning. Now just answer me. You don’t love me?”

       There’s short pause.

       “I left because I love you.”

       “That’s not an answer.”

       “You couldn’t be in love with me, Tae… You couldn’t be with someone who has no future.”

       “W-what do you mean?” I found my voice started to be stammering.

       She heaved a huge sigh as if was about to release some burdens she bear all this time.

       “I lied to you. So many lies…”

       “I know that,” I replied. “But I didn’t mind, Tiffany. If you feel guilty because you weren’t honest to me… I…”

       “It isn’t the point, Tae tae,” she said sadly.

       “At that time when I wore long sleeve shirt at the hot summer… you remembered… you questioned me…”

       I nodded my head and a strange feeling started to haunt my mind.

       “I hide my bruises at that time,” she said. But I just couldn’t completely figure it out.

       “At that time when you questioned me why I looked thinner…”

       I nodded again but now I noticed my heart was starting to race out again. I shuddered in horror.

       “It wasn’t because I was on diet… but I just indeed couldn’t eat that much… I didn’t have any appetite… My tongue felt so bitter…”

       “Tiff~…,” I almost couldn’t recognize my own voice as it was already turned into hoarse one, as I began to absorb the knowledge… The harrowing knowledge I wished it was totally wrong.

       “At that time I offered you my ity… it was because I knew we would never have another chance…”

        “Tiff~…. Tiffany… My dear Tiffany…,” I could only manage to mention her name. Suddenly I felt like the world was spinning around.

       “And don’t you realize… now even you can wrap your arm fully around my waist?”

       “Tiff~…,” now I couldn’t help but start to cry. At that time finally, slowly she turned around and managed to face me.

       At that time I knew no matter I hope my thought was wrong, it wouldn’t happen… She didn’t shine anymore. But still, for me… she was my brightest jewel…

       “Taeyeon... My Love Kim Taeyeon...," she trailed off before finally released the words that already killed me.

       "I was diagnosed with leukemia.”

       She smiled bitterly and caressed my cheek. She wiped my tears away and I started to sob uncontrollably as I already got total knowledge.

       “And it won’t be long, Baby.”