CHAPTER 35

       “How do you feel? You don’t seem good.”

       The doctor scrutinized her patient’s face for some moment before beckoning him to sit in front of her and continue speaking up. The guy bitterly smiled as he thought his doctor already known the answer even before he spilled it out. Besides he also knew that even an ordinary people would be able to make the same assessment since it wasn’t kind of difficult thing – his lack-of-rest and stress face already revealed everything.

       “Did you take the medicine? Had enough rest?”

       “I took all the medicines you gave,” he said.

       “And then? Don’t tell me it didn’t work,” she asked wonderingly, frowning.

       “No. It did work. I mean, it worked for my sleeping problem.”

       “But?”

       “But even though I could sleep, I couldn’t really feel a good sleep! I kept dreaming, dreaming on the same thing. Over and over again. I really had no idea why the dream came back to my mind, like chasing me or so, like haunting me, didn’t want to let go of me...”

       “In Sung,” she said his name patiently. “What dream you’re talking about?”

       In Sung covered his face for some moment, groaning in frustation before finally he looked at the girl again.

       “You know, Seo Hyun,” he exhaled. “The one who made me feel so... so shattered. The one who made me think I would never be able to forgive my sister. The harrowing scene, playing over and over again, like a horror movie replayed again in front of me.”

       Seo Hyun didn’t interrupt. She decided to let him finisih his story.

       “It... really freaked me out,” he muttered under his breath.

       “After all this time, why suddenly I was haunted by the same dream again?”

       “I believe there’s nothing so sudden,” Seo Hyun shook her head. “There’s must be some trigger. You tell me.”

       In Sung closed his eyes for some moment, trying to relive something, before finally he opened up his eyes again, almost budging out as something already rung the bell.

        “My sister, Tiffany,” he said. “She’s with leukemia. Her condition is getting worse. And I hear that the one that possible to help her is me.”

       “Yes, after I heard that, I think the dream started to haunt me. Does it make any sense to you?”

       “You still care about her, In Sung.”

       “NO! I~...”

       “You can deny as long as you want, you can say no as much as you desire, but you would never be able to lie your own heart,” Seo Hyun cut off.

       “Tell me now, do you really hate her that much?”

       This time, In Sung didn’t spill out any words. He knew, all the things Seo Hyun needed wasn’t the answer or confession. She just needed him to realize that it’s enough to deny. It’s time to get over it, after many years he run his life like this.

       “Tell me you don’t care about her.”

       “Tell me you don’t secretly monitoring her and make sure she’s fine.”

       In Sung just remained silent only.

       “I know you already forgiven her for long time ago. You’re just too high to admit it. And half of yourself still feel hatred because you still hoped your mother wasn’t taken away from you. It was an accident, but since you couldn’t find anyone to blame, you put all the blame on your sister. You tried to hate her, your beloved sister, as the manifestation of your frustation and guilty feeling because actually deep inside your heart you blamed your own self for not keeping your eyes to your sister. You wished it would never happen. But you have to realize, all the things already happened, In Sung... Like it or not, you have to cope with it.”

       Still, there’s no sound from the guy. After a symphatetic sigh, while staring at him in concern, Seo Hyun went on.

       “Don’t let your past screw your future. You and Tiffany don’t deserve this. You two supposed to run a happy and peaceful life,” she said. “I feel sorry for what happened to you, but it would never be fair to treat your sister as bad as this just because you couldn’t compromise with it. She’s innocent, In Sung. And she’s fragile as well. You aren’t on your own. You two supposed to support and strenghten each other. And you as her big brother supposed to protect...”

       “As always,” finally In Sung let out some words hence making Seo Hyun abruptly hushed.

       “Ne?”

       “As always,” he repeated seriously. “Ever since then I never keep my eyes out from her. I’ll always be watching her. She’d always be my beloved sister. And she’s the only one precious thing left I have in this world, just for you know.”

       This time, Seo Hyun couldn’t help but letting her jaw dropped open. The confession made her taken aback. She never thought those remarks would finally out from the man once she thought was really a stubborn one.

       “I just never showed it,” he continued. “But I secretly watched her. Make sure that she’s safe and fine. Make sure that she got a proper job and life. I’d never let anyone hurt her too.”

       “B-b-but... how could you act... you act like you hate her so much? Pretending that you really had no business with her... during this time? Don’t you know that she missed you so much... that...”

        “I know that, and it’s not countable, how many nights I passed, full of regret, want this arms,” he paused momentarily and held both of his arms before continuing. “Want to hug my sister so badly as well.”

       “Then why? Why just you didn’t do it?”

       “I don’t know. I just couldn’t,” he answered in frustation. “Maybe it’s like you say, that deep inside my heart, I was still overwhelmed with outrage. I couldn’t find anybody to be in charge and somehow it restricted me to fix my relationship with her. Everytime I see my sister face, the scene just replayed again in my mind, like a terror that would never stop haunting me... I scared out of it.”

        “It’s time to move on,” Seo Hyun said. “I believe you can. It’s indeed hard, but it’s already too long. You deserve a normal life. You and your sister. And now, it’s the time, In Sung. Your sister needs you. She needs your help. Go get her before you eventually regretting yourself for second time in your life...”

In Sung

       At the day I was about to go to hospital to see my sister, I got a visit from someone I never expected before. Her name is Kim Tae Yeon and as I secretly always kept my eyes watching my sister, I actually also already known how her relationship with my sister. And frankly, I didn’t mind with it. I meant, as long as my sister happy, I really didn’t mind. But I needed to make sure about one thing since I didn’t really trust this arbitrary boss.

       So when she suddenly appeared in front of my house, my brain just proceeded it fast and thought that the chance would never come twice. If I wanted to test her, it’s gonna be the right time to do it. It might be exagerrate, but for my sister sake, I didn’t give a damn. At least I knew that she’d fallen into the right person.

       Besides, I had little personal business with this arrogant one. Yes, I would never forget the way she kicked me out from the office and cut the contract one side. Hmmm, it was indeed not the big point, though. Once again, now my concern was only on my sister’s happiness.

       I just didn’t want her played with my sister’s heart. That’s all. I need to proof that she really loved my sister. At that time I bet she just fooled around my innocent sister, as I already heard many rumours that stated that this person was really an arbitrary and cold-hearted one. It would never make any sense that she would love someone, or be in serious relationship with someone as innocent as my sister.  So once again, it really made me taken aback witnessing her crying and begging at me to help my sister. She sounded so sincere. And even in my life, during this time, I never seen such a sincerity like Taeyeon showed as this before. Her eyes were teary and somehow seeing her was such in a misery like this, for the one she loved, in this case my sister, touched my heart already. Believe or not, I struggled hard to not let my emotion flew. I struggled hard to act like a jerk and held my tears too. When she didn’t take time to negotiate with me and just follow my stupid order to give herself to me, I realized and I knew my sister had already found the right one.

       I thought I supposed not to put some transquilizer into her tea. It wasn’t necessary at all. I sighed.

       As I was about to tell her about everything, I saw her started to shake and be unstable. I noticed, the transquilizer already worked. At the last seconds before she lost her consciousness I still could see her tried to maintain her soberness by soaking her head using water placed on the nearby desk. Of course it didn’t work.

       I managed to catch the body to dodge it hit the ground. For the first time I felt like there’s no image of arrogant at all at the innocent face lying in my arm now. I sighed. Imagining what just happened, I started to realize that maybe she’d indeed fallen in love with my sister too. Maybe she used to be a arbitrary one, but my sister already touched her heart and softened it. She healed her. And that’s why this big boss fell in love with her, hard.

       I shook my head discovering the water dropped from her wet clothes.

       “That’s a stupid action, but impressing me, Kim,” I muttered. “You even didn’t think the consequences. You don’t think about your future as well. All the things you put in your concern is only my sister. I really appreciate it,” I continued and brought her to the bed.

       For the first time, I felt so embarassed with my own self for becoming a jerk during this time.

       “Thank you, Ms. Kim,” I silently whispered. “You teach me about unconditional love. Thank you for giving such a big love to my sister when I just wasn’t able to show it... Thank you. I learn a lot from you.”

       I called out my best friend, Sully, after all. I explained her what happened and asked her to change her clothes.

       “She could catch cold if I let her stays in wet clothes like this,” I said.

       “And you know I have no choice unless calling my best friend to help me as usual,” I grinned as I knew I already gave her so many “tasks” during this time. As usual, Sully pretended to be annoyed as if I was her burden forever.

       She rolled her eyes but I knew she would handle all. I needed to go to see my sister and do the transplantation as soon as possible. And I needed someone to take care of Taeyeon at least untill she got her consciousness back again. At least, it’s all the scenario I arranged in my mind.

        Within less than half an hour, I found myself already stood in front of the door. I stopped my steps there for a moment, bit hesitating about what to say to my sister. I meant, after all this time I always acted cold and gave her cold shoulder, I just felt slightly awkward to reveal my actual feeling to her. I shook my head in disbelief, trying to let the unnecessary mind out of my head and carefully opened the unlocked door.

       “Taeyeon, Baby.... Oh, God, I think you...,” I heard my sister’s husky voice said, in such an exciting tone, that made me felt slightly guilty since I had tested Kim Taeyeon not long ago.

       As Tiffanny saw me, she just hushed. Her sparkling eyes just abruptly turned into confusing one, as if looking at a ghost. Her jaw dropped open and she just didn’t bother to reveal her surprise feeling, seeing me there. I walked slowly, approaching her, with all the thing I was. There’s no fake-me again. It’s me. Just me.

       “Oppa?” Finally she managed to say again. She called out my name. Her tone was still the same, as she used to call me when we’re still a kid.

       “I heard about your disease,” I said. “I come to help you.”

       Again, she looked so taken aback with my blunt words. Instead of showing some happiness, she seemed dumbfounded and had straight expression on her face, as if I just threw her the worst joke in this world. I understood her confuse, of course. And it just made me giggled, for the first time... after all this time I felt so hatred, hatred, and hatred... After all this time I thought I would never even smile again...

       I patted her head few times and stared at her seriously.

       I nodded my head to convince her that I wasn’t joking at all.

       “Don’t worry. Everything would be all right.”

       “B-but Oppa... W-why you would like to do this for me?”

       “Because you need this and I’m the only hope.”

       “I mean, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to do this... You have no responsibility with...”

       Now I was squeezing her hands.

       “You’re my little sister, someone that I would always take care a lot.”

       While staring at her again, I suddenly relived the scene, when Taeyeon came to my house and begged me to help her lover. She loves her a lot. Really loves her... Even if she has no blood linkage with her, she’d like to do anything for her. And then, who am I?

       “Oppa?”

       While kneeling, I cupped my hand to her cheeks.

       “I know I treated you so bad during this time,” I said remorsely.

       “No, Oppa, don’t say that!” Tiffany said sincerely. I shook my head.

       “I’m really sorry though I know the word ‘sorry’ wouldn’t change anything at all. But if you could forgive me, I promise you, I’d change to be someone better...”

       Suddenly she hugged me tight until I felt breathless for some moment.

       “Oppa, don’t continue,” she said. Her voice was slightly crack. “I know why you acted like that during this time and I could receive that. You just couldn’t find anyone else to be blamed for our mother death but me and less or more, I was indeed involved...”

       “That’s not true,” I said. “It’s all the thing I’d like to believe, I’d force to believe that it’s true, but in the end I knew, it’s not true. What happened to our mother is a destiny and it would never be fair to put all the blame on anyone, particularly to you. I’m sorry, Tiffany...”

       “Oppa, I cope with it and never in my life, I dare to dream again that one day I could see you again as my oppa.... Oppa I used to know... My warm oppa, like this... It’s just more than enough for me... Please don’t bring up our past again. Don’t let it screw our future... and can we be together again? I really miss you, Oppa...”

       I hugged her tight as well. “I love you, Tiffany.”

       And I learnt to love you more from a great lover named Kim Taeyeon.

KTY

       I slowly opened up my eyelid, trying to adjust the light, didn’t really get what happened to me. But at the next second, as I realized I wore kind of loose shirt that absolutely not belong to me, I jolted in surprise and startled in horror. Vaguely I started to remember everything. I shuddered disgustingly, imagining what...

       I cried though I didn’t feel any pain in my lower area.Was that mean that... I am still ? Whatever. I felt so gross. I felt so dirty. I must’ve seen me bare. Some stranger saw me already. It’s definitely a . No. It wasn’t... Was it me... did it voluntarily? For my only love, Tiffany? Yes, I ed my clothes in sober state. I indeed willingly to do it... Right? Just for one reason.... For someone who already took my heart, locked her name inside mine, and dumped the key into the ocean...

       But I was only a human. It didn’t matter how tough I was during this time, I thought finally it had already reached the limit. I couldn’t bear the fact that I gave myself to someone else, and the person wasn’t my love, Tiffany.

       Bringing all my broken heart along, I silently escaped from the house. For a while I couldn’t proceed anything in my mind. I just kept running, going as far as I could from the house, until finally I knew what I supposed to do next.

       I’d see her for the last time. I’d hug her as long as possible and give her the most passionate kiss as valuable as possible... I’d stare at her and repeat silently that I’m really sorry and that she would never have any idea how much I love her. I smiled patethically. Again, I remember an old quote. If it doesn’t hurt, it isn’t a love then.

PRESENT TIME

TH

       I fixed my gaze at Oppa, waiting for the next remarks. He looked bit nervous, like there’s something really serious to tell.

       “You don’t have to burn it all,” he said after a short silence.

       “I’m trying to get over it and it’s the only way, if you don’t get it, Oppa,” finally I said hopelessly.

       “Night after night, I always pray...pray for myself so that I could hate her... so that I could erase all the memories about her. She gave me sweet nothing... She wasn’t different with any other guys... She made me crushed on her so hard, and after all she just left. Without reason. Without words. And when I realized that I was looked like a toy only for her, it’s too late...,” I admitted bluntly, starting to cry. “This heart,” I pointed my chest. “Already stolen by her...”

       “No matter how much the pain caused by hear, and no matter how much my effort to hate her, in the end I realized, I would never make it.”

       “Me heart her, Oppa.”

       For some moment, my oppa didn’t give any reaction and I thought he just couldn’t find any right word to calm me down. I forced a smile to make sure that I was okay and would be fine. Moreover, it’s one year already. Though I actually knew I thought I would never be whole again rest of my life.

       “Now, if you mean to stop me burning those things, I hope you...”

       “She loves you. Her love to you couldn’t be compared with anything in this world,” he cut off, hence making my heart stop beating for some moment.

       “Oppa? What... what are you trying to say?”

       “If there’s person you suppose to hate, it’s me, then.”

       I smiled groggily. “I- I don’t get it...”

       “I’m sorry I just didn’t have any courage to tell you earlier... But I couldnt’ bear it either, to see you run your life, day by day, in pain and misery...”

       “Don’t make me confuse, Oppa... what are you actually trying to tell?”

       “Kim Taeyeon loves you more than everything. She left because of me.”

to be continued...