CHAPTER 11

KTY

       I struggled hard not to bring the scene into my mind, at least, as long as I spent time with her. I could relive it all the night, but not now, with her along with me. I didn’t want to ruin anything. I wanted everything just went well. She didn’t need to know my painful feeling; either she didn’t need to know my broken heart. It was all my lost, my consequence, my problem, not  hers. I loved her, so I supposed not to involve her. I didn’t want her became guilty and sad because of me.

       Fortunately, I was a good actress and she was an innocent girl. So less or more, it helped. It was like a blessing in disguise, if I might tell. So after letting our body embraced tight for some moment, slowly both of us pulled away, in time with the end of the show. Once the light was on, I rose and offered my hand to help her got up. At the next second, we’d already intertwined our fingers all the way at the mall.

       The next stop was a sinbal gage (shoes store). She told me she wanted to buy a pair of shoes and I suggested her to buy a flat one. But she refused my suggestion and what made me… sad was… the reason.

       “I want to be beautiful and adorable in front of Dong Hae Oppa, Tae,” she said. “You know guys always want their girlfriend seems stunning.”

       I was disagreeing with her. “Not every guy,” I argued. “If he really loves you he’d love you the way you’re. He wouldn’t want to change anything from you,” unconsciously I raised my pitch and I just realized it once finding her surprise expression.

       “No, he wasn’t like you’re thinking about, Tae,” she said defensively and let her fingers off from mine. It… hurt me. “He loves me and he didn’t ask me to wear this or that. I’m gonna do it because I want it. I want him proud of me. Tell me if I’m wrong.”

       “But…,” I was about to argue her again and yes, I wanted to tell her that she’s totally wrong. She did too much. And he wasn’t that worth to be struggled for. But, as I realized that deep inside her heart she might want I justify her, I didn’t went on. I didn’t spill my mind out; instead I held her hand again, gently.

       “Mian,” I said feebly. “I don’t mean to meddle into your business. And I knew as well I didn’t have any right to judge him. I just…”

       “Just what?” she asked impassively.

       I was about to say “Just love you that much… so I didn’t understand why you still couldn’t see it and instead… did too much for someone who wasn’t consider you that much… Is it ridiculous?” But of course the remark not let out from my mouth. Instead, I shook my head and held her other hand. While staring at her, I said solemnly.

       “No… Never mind,” I said, trying hard to conceal my frustration. “I just think using flat shoes wouldn’t hurt your ankle and feet. That’s all. But if you have a strong reason behind your choice, it’s fine,” I improvised, hoping it would dodge any upset from her. Once I found her expression turned to be calm one, I felt relief.

       “Okay, let’s see the shoes,” I suggested and towed her entering the shoes store.

       Her expression gradually turned into bright one once she found a pair of red high-heels at the display.

       “Tae…,” she called out my name and took that one. “Is it beautiful?”

       To tell the truth, I thought it was too high and must be not comfortable to use. But again, as I began to be able to read her mind, I had no choice unless assented with her.

       Unwillingly I nodded. “Yeah, it must be suit with your feet,” I said. But I couldn’t stand to just be quiet. “But… Don’t wear it too often.” I just added brief suggestion and she nodded cutely.

       “Don’t worry, Taetae,” she said with cheerful tone.

       “Museun chajayo?” a salesgirl approached us and asked what we’re looking for. Tiffany pointed out the shoes and asked the new one.

       “Ah, that’s one… Jwesonghamnida, it’s the last piece. It’s limited edition.”

       “Hey, I want that one! How much is it?” suddenly an irritating arrogant voice was heard from behind and before we noticed it an annoying woman had already popped in front of us.

(Oh… Here comes trouble…)

       “Ah, jwesonghamnida, Sonnim,” the salesgirl said sincerely. “We don’t have more stock. Maybe anything else I can do for you?”

       “No,” she shook her head firmly. “I want that one. I saw it first. Give it to me!”

       “I’m sorry,” I heard Tiffany said politely. I wondered how could she stay patient in this kind of circumstance. “But I think I grabbed it first?”

       “Oh, just give it to me and I’d pay you double so you can purchase any other shoes you want! You’re glad, I’m glad. As simple as that. Rite?” she asked in arrogant tone.

       “I’m sorry, I can’t,” I heard Tiffany said again and it made me couldn’t stand it anymore. This witch had to get the lesson.

       “Ya! You don’t know who I am? Just give it to me or…”

       At the next second I just stepped forward and stood behind the two girls. I glared at her and without saying anything I knew I had already freaked her out.

       “Or what?” I lifted up my chin and crossed my arms, blocking Tiffany from her.

       “And who the hell are you? Fire away! Even if you’re daughter of president don’t think you can make any mess with her!”

       “Tae…,” I heard Tiffany mumbled my name and clenched her grip on me, giving me a cue not to continue this. But this time I ignored her.

        I could bear the pain finding her didn’t love me the way I loved her, but I couldn’t stand anybody else make any mess with her.

       “Ugh,” it was the only word could be spilled out from the witch, while I didn’t let my gaze out from her even for a second. Slowly she just stepped back and finally left the store.

       Afterward I coolly asked the salesgirl to bring it to the cashier and wrap it. I hauled up my wallet and intended to pay it, but Tiffany held my wrist.

       “Just let me buy something for you,” I said. “I want you to have something from me… Would you?” I pleaded and this time she gave in. I smiled afterward and once paying the cash, I didn’t let her bring the shopping bag. I brought it for her, then as usual, I didn’t speak that much. I acted cool by towing her, as if nothing’s happened.

       “Tae,” she called out my name again and it made me stopped at the track.

       “Ne?”

       “Why you’re so reckless? What if she did something bad to you? You had no idea about her, rite?”

       I giggled hearing her remarks and it just made her frowned and I noticed her lips turned down.

       “Do you think it’s funny?” she asked again, pouted.

       I shook my head. “No. But you’ve heard me, I don’t care who she was. But I won’t let anyone else ruin your life. Not as long as I’m still breathing. Do you think I’m just joking when I said that?”

       She stared me for some moment, didn’t say anything.

       “Why you spoiled me much?” she asked bluntly. The question, actually, could lead to a lot of answer. Mention anything. I could spill it out. Oh no, I just couldn’t mention it. It’s too much. Yeah, too much reason to love someone like you, Tiffany. I thought it was hard to describe it into words. All the things I knew was… I’d just do anything for you… So, instead of answering her, I just questioned her back.

       “Is it a good thing or bad thing?”

       She was remained silence for a moment. “I don’t know, Tae. I’m just afraid I can’t give you as much as you give me. It would break my heart.”

       I shook my head and voluntarily my hand wiped her cheek.

       “Don’t say that. I don’t expect anything from you. Just let me…,” I trailed off, was about to say ‘love you this way’, but I decided not to spill it out… It was too extreme, I thought, so I just replaced it with another words. “Just let me… treat you this way. I want you to be happy.”

       “Just by finding you’re happy, I’m able to be happy as well.”

       Before she could ask anything more, that might be hard to be answered, I just changed topic.

       “I’m hungry. Let’s eat,” I said.

       We went to the Western restaurant, as I knew it’s her favorite one. Frankly, I wasn’t that fond with any Western food. It wasn’t that match with my taste bud, but once I saw her eyes sparkled whenever it came to Western food, I knew, I just did another way to make her happy.

       I might become crazy, I thought. I never felt this way before. But with her ~ only with her, I was able to do anything… everything, I had never imagined before.

       Jessica’s voice was echoing on my mind again. The more I loved her… the more pain I’d get. And at that time I knew, I couldn’t keep my promise to Jessica that I wouldn’t be hurt. I already became hurt. But again, I found myself couldn’t just run away. I was rather being hurt for her, as long as I could do something to her, than run my life without her in my life.

       During the dinner, I caught her expression was bright. She seemed so satisfied with the food and yeah, I didn’t need to tell you, but let me tell you, it was of course made me happy and complacent as well.

       “Taetae, please try this. This is my favorite one,” she told and proffered me a slice of tuna steak in front of my mouth.

       I was about to refuse… since I was hypersensitive with tuna, but again, stupid Taeyeon just couldn’t make it. She, with her smile hanging on her face, still waited for me.

       All the things I did at the next second was only opening my mouth and let her feeding me with the thing I supposed not to eat.

       “How is it? Taste good?” she asked and smiled complacently.

       “Neomu massitseo,” I answered.

       “Dong Hae Oppa hates Western food. So I rarely eat it. But today…,” she spoke up again and trailed off. “I’m really happy, Tae. I don’t expect you’d bring me there. You also like Western food, huh?”

       Dong Hae again. Dong Hae again… Why… he always emerged anytime? Can’t you just put him aside for a moment, Tiffany? Can’t it be me… for few moments, only for few moments, who’s occupying on your mind?

       “Taetae?” she asked me calmly, finding me pondering.

       “Hu-uh,” I said and hastily smiled. “I’d bring you to grab Western food anytime you want,” I said.

       “Jinjja? Gomawo, Tae…,” she said and her expression was just brighter than before.

       Though my heart was still remained pain, somehow, looking at the bright face in front of me, just healing it a bit.

       During the way home, actually, I started to feel uneasy. And I absolutely knew why. It was because of tuna. I struggled hard to not let her knew and trust me, it really hard.

       I speeded up in order to reach her home quickly. Once we reached her apartment, part of me felt slightly relief.

      Finding her remained quiet, I finally realized, she fell asleep during the way. I stared at her for some moments. I stared at angelic face in front of me now. Everything on her face were so perfect.

      Like a specter that wouldnt just let me go of, a voice whispered to my ear... Like mocking me. "She would never been yours, Tae..."

      Hearing it just made my heart broken already.

       At that time suddenly I felt a huge urge from my deepest heart. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I leaned forward and... just... landed my lips on her.

      I stole a kiss from her.

      It was ironic. I - Director Kim - stole something from someone? And it was a kiss. It was...pathetic.

      I felt so bad but I really couldn't help. She's too irresistible.

      Mianhae, Tiffany... Mianhae...

      At the next second I noticed she groaned and started to blink her eyes. I hastily pulled backward and smiled casually at her.

       “Gomawo, Tae, for today,” she said to me before she got down.

       “No worry,” I replied and smiled back at her.

       There’s a short pause afterward. Before I saw it coming, she had already landed her lips on my cheek.

It was a quick peck and I had no chance to react. Or should I feel thankful, because she might probably don’t want me to react?

       Don’t be over-reacting, Tae. The kiss she gave to you might just be the same with the kiss Jessica gave to you. It was nothing.

       “Bye,” she said and got out.

       “Good night,” I bid to her and stayed in my car until she vanished from my sight.

       My body was getting more terrible during my way to home. And for adding my horror, I forgot to bring my anti histamin medicine.

       I felt itchy all over my body and without seeing my reflection into the mirror I had already known, my face had already swollen.

       But it wasn’t the problem.

       The bigger problem was I forget that Jessica stayed with me tonight. She found me this way and I had to improvise to explain her about my condition.

       “Oh my God, Kim Taeyeon! Do you eat tuna??? How could you eat it?”

       “I forgot,” I said briefly, seemed so stupid but I hoped she bought my lie.

       “Scowl me later. Give me my medicine,” I asked her. She hastily grouped around the drawer and once she found it, she just proffered it to me, along with water.

       “Oh my God,” she murmured again. “Did she ask you to go to Western restaurant?”

       “No,” I shook my head. “It’s me, I asked her to go there.”

       “And?? Don’t tell me, the remaining stock they had only tuna!” she said sarcastically.

       “Aniya,” I replied. “I told you I forgot.”

       “It doesn’t make any sense!” she said.

       “People may forget, Sica,” I said. “But doesn’t matter. I’d just be fine. Don’t bring up this topic again, okay?”

       Jessica didn’t immediately answer.

       “Though you don’t want to say it to me, I’d already known what’s happening, Tae,” she spoke up calmly. I tilted my heard to look at her. She shook her head sadly.

       “Since I knew feeling was a thing that you couldn’t control, I can’t blame you for loving her,” she murmured.

       “And please,” I said feebly. “Don’t blame her as well for couldn’t love me the way I love her.”

       “Please?” I pleaded. Now my eyes were watery and so did her.

       I knew she felt sorry for me.

       “But I can’t stand to see you hurt like this.”

       “It’s okay. I will just hurt more if I let her go.”

       “I knew I’d already asked you to not to be selfish during this time… But I think… this time, I plead you… can’t you just be selfish? Can’t you love yourself more than anyone else?”

       I cupped her cheeks and stared her deeply.

       All the things I could say that time was only… “I’d already loved her so deep, Sica. If only I could die, I’d choose to die than experiencing this painful feeling. But the fact was I didn’t die. I’m alive. And I had nothing more to do with it… I’m terribly in love with her, Sica.”

to be continued...