I knew I shouldn’t stress myself out because it wouldn’t be good for our baby. If you were here you’d take care of me and cheered me up with your silly antics. You made me laughed my heart out and all was well again in the world. Why weren’t you here with us, love? How could you leave me all by myself? We needed you. I didn’t think I could hold on for another day without you by my side.

The first few weeks were the hardest. Please forgive me for being such a jerk to our child but I couldn’t do anything other than mourning to release my sadness. I can’t eat and sleep, love. Not when whenever I shoved something to my mouth, the image of you having meal with me popped out of nowhere and made me wanted to vomit when I realized I’d never have a chance for it anymore. And whenever I closed my eyes, I could see your clear brown orbs staring back at me. I can’t. I just can’t.

Still vivid in my mind the way you smiled at me on the day we last met. Something was off. I said I had a bad hunch but you didn’t believe me. You just laughed, saying “you have a lot of vision lately, babe.” I knew I was right. I knew you acted cool because you didn’t want me to worry. “It’s only a week, love. I’ll be back before you know it.”

No Taetae, where are you now? You aren’t here.

Our friends told me to be patient but they didn’t know me, love. You were the only one whom I trust, who understood me completely. I guessed they just couldn’t handle me. They were tired of me but I didn’t blame them. I was rude and harsh to them. I pushed them away.

I missed you so bad, sweetheart. Remember all the plan we had made? You promised we’d have a nice apartment along with kitties and puppies. You said we’d go to South Africa to see the penguins for our child’s first vacation. You whispered softly in my ear, "I’ll buy you a land in the moon in case the earth is doomed so we can keep our perfect family happy ever after". Did you remember all that? Where were they now, Taetae? Where did they go?

You were the one who always created dreams for us. I was an idealist, dream didn’t exist to my world, not until I met you. You made everything possible, you made my heart beat, you made my life whole, you made me feel worth it, you made me brave, you made me a better person. You made me feel loved, you made me able to love. You made me, love. Now I’m afraid to dream again. Not when my only dream was gone.

“Fany-ah, I want to ask you something.”

I was exhausted but I never felt so in love before. It was the first time we made love, in my apartment on the bed we bought together.

I couldn’t stand my dorm anymore because it had cockroaches and you knew how much I hate them. Not to mention my roommate brought different every night. It made everything worse. You came up with the idea to move out and find my own place. I was so excited when we found a nice apartment near my campus that I could afford. Sadly it was empty, they didn’t provide anything. I was so bummed then you asked “What do you need the most?” Well, bed was obviously the first on the list, of course, but it was too expensive. “Let’s just take this place, we’ll buy a bed then the rest can be filled once we have money to buy it, I really like this place.”

You were a person I’d never thought you were. In all craziness of the world of people being individual, you came with kindest heart.

“Go ahead.” I turned facing your beautiful face.

“Why did it take you so long to let me in? I mean, I’m not complaining or anything. It’s just you pushed me away even before we know each other well. I don’t know if I did something wrong.” You weren’t upset, you were curious.

I smiled softly at you, “I needed to,” I said.

“Why?”

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