"It has always been her. My first love. The one I know I always wanted."

- Kim Jongin

After 3 years

Looking at my own reflection in the mirror, I practiced smiling like an idiot for the umpteenth time. Scratch that, to tell the truth, I’ve been rehearsing in front of the mirror since last night. I’m not yet crazy. But maybe, without perfecting this I might end up being one at the end of the day.

“Congratulations! You’re really amazi—no…no…” That’s just too much.

“Jongin, you did a good job!” Won’t I look too stiff if I say this to him while raising my thumb? Yes.

“Okay, how about…” I breathed out deeply and tried smiling again, “Jongin, congratulations on graduating! I’m so proud of you!”

Feeling quite unsatisfied, I knocked my head down over the dresser top, too hard that I abruptly hoisted my head up in utter pain from the impact. Groaning and crying in sheer pain I looked at myself in the mirror again and massaged the spot that had already reddened.

“Great. Just oh-so-great.” I complained to myself as I felt frustration surge in me upon realizing how things are going downhill for me today—since, one-I can’t find the perfect words to say to Jongin so I can make this day extra special for him, two-my forehead looks so red right now that I am wondering whether it would go away soon, three-the last time I went to his graduation, he left without saying anything. Now I’m stuck into wondering whether he has something up today again.

He better not surprise me with some bad news again, or else I’m oh-so done with him.

A knock on my door made me snap out from my own thoughts. The intruder being my beloved sister, Mimi, barged in and plopped herself down on my bed like she always would—no knocks, no ‘Can I come in?’, and suits herself in as if it was her own room.

Roaming her eyes around, her eyes widened when she noticed my appearance in the mirror. She hurriedly strode into my direction, held the sides of my face, forced me to look at her, and squinted her eyes as she scrutinizes the reddish mark on my forehead.

“What the hell is that?” She asked questioningly as she continued to inspect my face.

“I bumped my forehead on the dresser.” I responded, and frowned upon realizing how stupid I had gotten.

“Seriously? Of all days, you have to have this?” She pokes my bump repeatedly as she points out my idiocy. “Com’ere, let me fix that. We just have to put some concealer to hide it.” She says as she turns around the swivel chair I’ve been sitting on.

Mimi pulls out something from her purse and there goes the concealer in her hand. She applies it lightly on my forehead attentively, dabbing it on my skin meticulously as to hide the redness perfectly. “Oh gosh, thank those who invented a thing called ‘concealer’! If not, you would probably get laughed at by people if they see that bump. I swear, even Jongin would probably laugh at you.” She jeers as she rolls her eyes.

“If he did, then I’ll just ignore him for the rest of the week so he would reflect on what he did.” I muttered.

“Can you? I bet you won’t stay mad at him even for an hour.” She spats back as she flicks my forehead lightly before blowing air on it as if she was trying to heal some kid’s boo boo. “Anyway, be down in 5 minutes since our ride is already outside.” She said before combing down my fringe to hide my bump.

With her getting out of my room, I followed behind her, slowing my pace as I was still practicing in my head what I should tell Jongin if I see him. He’s probably already outside waiting for us since he’s gonna drive everyone to the university at which their graduation ceremony will commence in.

Feeling a little queasy since I had only ate little during breakfast and because I was so nervous to see him for some reason I can’t figure out on my own, my palms sweated too much and my cheeks burned like hell as if I was on fire when fresh air greeted me as I got out of the main door.

This is it. This is it. Say it. Say it. I had told myself as I was about to get out of our gate to meet Jongin.

“Jong—“ My eyes widened, my eyebrows scrunched together furiously, and somehow disappointment washed over me, when I noticed how it was Yixing who was waiting for me outside his car.

He was playing with his car key in hand when he noticed me already standing in front of him. He raised his head up to look at me and he smiled when he saw how I looked at him. “Not looking forward to see me eh?” He beamed.

Not wanting to offend him, I just forced out a smile. “Well, I wasn’t just expecting to see you.” He nodded in understanding before opening the door to the passenger’s side for me, “Anyway, why are you going to drive for us today?” I asked.

He looked back as he suddenly rubs the back of his neck while looking away from me, “Well, I received a call from Jongin this morning. He asked me if I can drive you all to the university since something came up with him.”

“Really?” I’ve expected this. I knew this is already coming.

Feeling a little upset and worried at the same time upon hearing that Jongin has something up, my lips thinned. Yixing noticed that again, so he immediately waved his hands in front of him to tell me not to feel too bad, “He just needed to come earlier to the venue so nothing’s to be troubled about. All you need to do is relax and wait until you can finally get to see him.” He breathed out with a sheepish grin.

I nodded in response and got inside his car wordlessly. Still, although he explained it like that to me, I just pretended that I was fine with the whole set up even though deep down I was starting to get suspicious. Because I have this feeling that he’s hiding something from me.

The car ride was pretty much a hassle since it’s a little jammed at the main road even though it’s still early in the morning. Mom was blabbering nonstop behind us, saying how well dressed I was that Jongin must probably feel so happy when he sees me. She then goes on scolding Mimi for wearing a quite revealing dress even though we’re attending a ceremony that needs proper code of dressing—talk about being conservative, mom is always like that with her since Mimi is the complete opposite of us.

Surprisingly, even though it’s not my graduation, dad came with us without any complaints. He said, if it was Jongin’s graduation then it’s a special occasion he must attend because the boy is already like his own son to him. Without further questions, I accepted his reasoning and smiled to myself since it’s rare for dad to approve of someone that isn’t really part of the family. Jongin must have been an exception. Dad must have really liked him.

Minhyuk isn’t with us since he was the one who drove Jongin’s family to the venue a little while ago before we started on the road—that was according to Yixing. I was actually expecting my brother to join us but thinking how he must have done the favor of driving the Kim Family, it must be his way to impress the father, Mr. Kim. The old man still looked kind of scary for him even though he had gone to their house more often than I had done since Jae In and him visits her family more often now. It’s weird though why he’s always nervous around him when I, myself, could see how Mr. Kim had already approved of him being his daughter’s husband way long before they were even married—besides, old man had often expressed to me how he liked the kind of guy my brother is during some of our chess games, I just never told Minhyuk about it for the fun of seeing him have jitters when around him.

When we got down from the car after parking a few meters from the university’s separate auditorium, located in another building at the heart of the large vicinity the whole school occupies, all of them appeared to be so excited that we have arrived. I feel somewhat envious that they have the energy and mood to just casually smile and show their anticipation for the start of the event, that I found myself wavering the minute I looked at the familiar place where everything will take place in. Somehow, I just feel more emotional than the rest, for today.

Trying to ignore the unnecessary feelings in my chest I just went with the flow of everything and smiled from time to time whenever people would pass by and would greet me. A few of my grade, who are also attending due to their own friends graduating today, congratulated me in Jongin’s stead—since almost everyone knows that I am dating the dance prodigy of the Dance Department since year one.

Speaking of the devil, I haven’t had even a glance of Jongin ever since the moment we stepped inside the auditorium. There’s Kyungsoo who passed by me in a hurry but didn’t notice me when I called him. Then there was Chen who was talking animatedly with Tao while going out of the building. Other than them, it was only Yixing that is here with us. He has been entertaining my mother and father ever since. The others were still missing in action and no matter how many times I ring their numbers no one would pick up their phones. It was a little frustrating, but I just kept it all inside. Keeping my hopes up of seeing anyone familiar, I wandered my eyes around to be on watch.

Upon finally spotting a familiar face nearby, I strutted towards his way and held him by the arm when I finally got ahold of him—seeing that he would just probably not hear me too if I only called him from afar. “Baek, have you seen Jongin?”

It was a little odd, but I just ignored it when I noticed how his eyes rounded upon seeing me and hearing me ask that question,

“J-Jongin?” I nodded.

He peeled my hand away from his arm and then scratched the back of his neck as he turned his head from side to side. “Actually I am also looking around for him since I can’t find him for a while now.” He confessed, and I sighed upon seeing that he was just as lost as I am.

“Well, since we’re both looking for him, how about we just do it together?” I offered, thinking that looking for Jongin with Baekhyun would be better than getting bored from waiting for the event to start.

“Uh—“ He hesitated, “Well, if you really want to, then let’s go.” He smiled and showed his happy crescents.

Out of all that had happened today, maybe going with Baekhyun to search for the missing Jongin has been the least stressful since this morning. We went out of the building and roamed around even though he was already clad in his toga. Sweat was visible over the sides of his face but maybe it’s because he had been in and out looking for the boy whom we haven’t spotted for quite some time now.

“Baek, before I forget saying this,” I grinned as he turned to me, “Congratulations!” I told him before attacking him with a hug.

The boy chuckled as he patted my back with a hand. “Thanks. I thought I would never hear you congratulate me. But since you did, I’m really happy.” He told me.

I pulled away and grinned even wider at him after hearing him say that. “Well, I am glad I made you happy.” I sincerely drawled out.

“I am glad too that someone’s finally making you genuinely happy.” I suddenly heard him say. It was said so out of the blue that I stopped in my tracks just to try and make sense of why he suddenly said that.

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously when I caught up to him as I noticed I was already behind him by a lot.

He briefly glanced at me and then looked away, a smile was still etched on his face, “It’s just that I know you’ve gone through a lot in the past and for all those I guess you deserve being with someone that deserves you too. Someone that could make you smile all the way up to your ears.” He uttered out, and though I felt very much touched that my cheeks flushed, I was still confused why we’re suddenly talking about me.

“You’re talking about Jongin.” I breathed out and smiled.

“And you.” He added.

I chuckled as I nodded in return to him, “It’s really weird that we can finally talk about him and me now.” I spouted.

“Well, it has been a long time ago that I had accepted that you can never be mine again.” He says with a trace of playfulness in his voice.

I nudged his side as I laughed at his remark. “Oh please, Baek.”

He nudged me back and cackled too. “You’re still embarrassed every time I tease you huh? It’s true though that maybe I won’t be able to move on from you so easily since you’re the best girl I’ve ever known.” He uttered out.

It somehow made me feel guilty because I know it’s also the reason why he hasn’t found himself a new girlfriend ever since. He stuck with me along the way as a very good friend and he never, even once, made me feel troubled because of his own feelings for me. He’s such a good person and I know how much he deserves to be as happy as me right now, but then I also know that I just can’t force him to like somebody else. It really takes time to forget someone for some, like us. And maybe, the right girl hasn’t just come his way, so maybe it would take a little more time for him.

“Ya,” I was pulled out from my trance when he called, “Don’t think about what I said too much since I’m getting by just fine. You are both my friends, and because you both look happy to me, I am already happy too.” Baekhyun uttered out thoughtfully.

I breathed out in relief when I heard that. “Thanks for saying that, or else I’ll probably stay up all night just thinking about it.” I confessed.

“Really?” He asked, a little surprised.

“Mmm.” I mumbled in response.

He showed a lopsided smile at me and looked ahead, “Man, had I known you are like that, I should have not said those last words so you would be thinking of me all night.” He chuckles, but I just slapped his arm and frowned at his playfulness.

“I’m seriously in the mood to kick you right now but I don’t want to send you to the hospital on the day of your graduation.” I bitterly uttered and then walked past him.

“Well, thanks for worrying about me.” He shouts from behind and then cachinnates heartily to himself.