It amazes and scares me at the same time how a few words could actually change a life. To the point that one would feel she could never go back to the way how things were before. I figured that words are powerful like that. To the point where it could either build you or tear you down, either make you trust or doubt, either hurt you or hurt another, either heal you or kill you.

I have never really foreseen that a few words could also make a difference between Luhan & I. But after hearing him out, hearing him say his feelings, I realized that words are indeed powerful. It triggered a lot of emotions churning inside me—guilt, pity, wonder, pain, surprise. Name it. I can sense them all at the same time. 

How come I didn't notice that Luhan felt something different for me? How come he just told me about this now? 

I certainly don't know Luhan's reasons for all this, but whatever it is I know he did it for a good cause. Probably he was just thinking of me, or more like thinking of protecting the friendship we have. 

Those four years...

All this time, I thought I already know him by heart. All this time I thought we're not keeping any secrets from each other. All this time, I thought I was doing a good job of being a friend to him and protecting him. But all these years, thinking back and comparing it to now, I feel like I just did a good job at nothing but hurting him. The moment he had opened his mouth and said what he truly felt, I realized that I actually knew nothing about him. And the feeling that all the years I had spent with him was just pointless kept arising. Because, truth be told, I didn't actually learn anything about him to even notice something is different with him, when he had those years already figured me out to make him say that 'he knows me' to the point that he can 'like me' more than I think he can.

Have I really driven him to the edge that he finally was provoked to tell me everything? The truth, that only him knew?

"I love you, Kim Nana." I heard him say, "I love you."

It was only when those words sunk in that I snapped out of my initial shock and pulled away from him, surprised and scared at the same time by what he said. Of course, I already have an idea about him liking me that way, but it's because Jongin told me. I partly didn't believe it because I find it ridiculous how the person I've been friends with for four whole years could suddenly like me like 'that'. It's impossible that Luhan just felt it in a whim, so if it isn't already too much for me to digest, I'm thinking that he must have liked me for quite some time now. Not that I'm being too assuming. Knowing him, I know he's the type of guy who is dedicated, who is loyal, who is deep. He won't quickly fall head over heels for someone, at least that's what he had told me. But I never expected him to actually fall for me. 

Who would have thought that he would?

It took me a while to actually grasp the situation that it was only when I was abruptly up on my feet that I saw the dejected look on Luhan's face as he stares at me with his glassy eyes. Had I actually scared him by my sudden reaction? 

He gulped as he looked down, trailed his eyes to my hand and clasped his own around it. I flinched at the sudden contact, but it was because his hand was cold. He released a fake chuckle and bit his lip to stop himself from really crying when he noticed my reaction. I want to console him so badly that moment, but my body won't just listen to what my brain tells me. And it's as if I was stuck in place, stationary, due to the remnants of shock still coursing through my whole body.

"Do you not like me that much?" He asked me with a soft voice, that somewhat sounded so broken. "To the point that you look so afraid with me getting that close to you?"

I felt queasy inside when I had so many things to say to him, that I want to tell him it's not like what he thinks, yet I only managed to open my mouth to say nothing at all. The words I wanted tell him just got stuck in my throat, and I was unable to say it.

"Did you know when I started liking you?" He uttered out as he closed his hand around mine and gave it a squeeze.

When?

As if he heard my silent question, he smiled to himself and answered me, "It was the first time I saw you walk in the hallway and you happened to look at me. All the patients in our ward back then were already my friends, and when I saw you I thought you were new. So, when curiosity got the best of me I asked the nurses in their station who you are, and they told me your name and that you were a patient who just really got confined. I was surprised that I didn't even know you when in fact we got admitted to the hospital almost at the same time, so since then I had set a goal to know you better." 

I felt my insides twists when I realized how he had liked me since the beginning and yet I was too dense to even fathom it out. "Luhan I'm—"

He breathed out deeply, and I abruptly stopped speaking when I realized the look of frustration he was displaying. 

"No, this time, just listen to me and don't speak, Nana. I want to tell you everything while I still have the courage to do so. I know, this is not the perfect timing to confess nor the best way to do it, but since I've already started just let me say it all out." He jabbered out as he finally looked into my eyes, seriousness hooded in them. 

My body relaxed in an instant when I finally saw his eyes and had the urge to listen to him instead of saying sorry for all these years. Maybe he would like me to remain silent rather than hearing me apologize over and over for hurting him. Because, what else can a 'sorry' do when it's already too late? I had managed to hurt him for so long, and yet it's only now that I realized I did. How can a simple 'sorry' make up for that?

"I was as broken as you." He uttered out, "Like the girl who happenend to be struck with the same fate as me."

"I thought at that time, I was the unluckiest person on earth. I mean, who would had wanted to die at 14? When we had those dreams and that bright future ahead of us? But when I saw you, I thought I saw the most beautiful girl in my life. You were the prettiest. " I heaved a small smile when I heard him say those last words, 

"But you were also the only person in the ward I never saw smiling. You were beautiful, but you lacked brightness. No feelings. Expressionless. It was as if you were living like you were just waiting for your death. And so I thought, why is this girl like this? All those times I thought I was miserable, but then I saw you and realized how you must be feeling worse than me." 

He heaved a smile as he stared blankly at nothing, "The moment you first talked to me, it was when you were sitting down on the floor in the hallway and I gave you that can of orange juice, right?" I nodded repeatedly when I remembered that time again, "Did you know that when you first spoke I felt like I was the luckiest person because I thought I was listening to an angel talk? Your voice was that beautiful. And when you first smiled at me, it was the first time I ever felt my heart race so fast." He said and chuckled to himself before letting go of my hand and wrapping his arms around my waist instead. He rested his head on my stomach, and though I felt quite uncomfortable with our position, I just remained unmoving.

"Since then, I promised to myself that I will always make you smile, that I will always be there for you, and that I will take care of you even if I have to do it all my life. I didn't really care if you will ever like me back or not. I was contented loving you silently." He uttered out with an unsteady voice.

"I thought I would be contented doing just that." He said again, "but then when I saw you cry due to your first heartbreak, and saw you cry over and over again because of Kai, have you ever had any idea how hurt I felt because they were hurting the girl I love and had endured everything for?" 

"If I know the girl I had tried everything just to make her smile would be hurt like that by just some stupid guys, I should have just confessed to you during those times that I was the only one you knew. Probably, if you happened to learn to like me too, I could have prevented you from getting hurt like that. I could have made you sm