NOTE: I know you have "BEAUTIFUL" (from EXO NEXT DOOR) in your playlist~ Play it at a certain part to release your feels ~ ^^

Who could have guessed that I’d feel so awfully unnerved just by the fact that I’m going to stealthily come to Seoul High again to see Jongin without him knowing?

“Hunnie, tell me, what I should wear?” I shouted as I had put my phone on speakers as I was still in my room rummaging my wardrobe for an outfit perfect for the event.

‘Nana you don’t have to dress up prettily since you’ll still look beautiful in anything you wear. Why don’t you go with something simple since you need to be on disguise like what I said before? Something you’ll be comfortable in will do.’ Sehun responded exasperatedly.

“Oh, right. I almost forgot that I need to do undercover.” I shyly uttered as I finally got a hold of a loose pullover, some shorts, a jacket, and my scarf.

He chuckled at the other end as I heard his car screeching as he was on the road driving to come pick me up. ‘Anyway, you owe me more bubble teas after this. Get it?’ He reminded me stubbornly. This boy really is such a scum. Now that he’s doing something for me, he would ask for me to treat him some bubble tea in exchange.

“Arasso.” I responded exasperatedly, as I started changing into my undercover.

“Hey, I’ll just prepare for now so talk to you later!” I shouted to him as I was on my way to my dresser to put some light make up.

‘Later.’ He seconded, before I heard my phone beep once to signify that the call already ended.

After working on my face, I decided to let my hair loosely fall down until my back so I could easily hide my face later if anyone should come close to me. I scurried going to my shoe rack afterwards and wore my blue sneakers Mimi gifted me before I left the house. And finally, I grabbed my sling bag and scarf before going out of my room.

It’s a Saturday, so basically not so much students are in the dorms since weekends are supposedly spent leisurely outside the confines of our school. My friends actually wanted me to come with them today to the mall but I refused, saying that I already agreed to a meet up with Sehun. Hani teased me for hanging around Sehun too much, but I explained it to her how platonic our relationship is that we can never be an item. That brat is just a very good friend that somehow I could say that our friendship is something deeper than what I have with the other guys. I mean, he understands me like an open book on par with how much he understands Jongin that I am comfortable being with him more than the others.

When I got down to the lobby, the dorm manager waved knowingly at me—this only means one thing, of course. I walked towards her and she gave me another bouquet of flowers, this time a mixture of pink tulips and lilacs. I’ve grown accustomed to every bouquet sent to me each day that sometimes accepting it like this has just been normal for me. It excites me and brightens up my mood, but I don’t think too much about the flowers because I don’t even know whom it came from and the fact that I still have more important things to ponder about makes me almost forget about it.

“Thank you, ma’am.” I politely bowed in front of her as I cradled the bouquet in my arms.

I spun around on my heels and took a brief glance at my locker that still needed a clearing up, but thinking of doing it later due to my appointment, I just walked past it and hurried towards the entrance of the school. Sehun was already waiting outside his car when I saw him. He offered me a smile when he saw me but his eyes instantly darted to the bunch of flowers I was holding when I was getting close and closer to him.

“Are you planning on giving that to Jongin?” He mockingly asked as he raised a brow at me.

I cackled and shook my head in response. “An unknown person has been sending me bouquets every day in the dorms, and this one is for today. The dorm manager handed it to me before I managed to get out. I was in a hurry to meet you so I wasn’t able to leave it in my room.” I explained it to him as he opened the door to the passenger’s side for me.

“I see.” He said, smiling. “Some secret admirer?” He asked as he entered the driver’s side and closed his door.

I shrugged as I leaned on the window pane and looked at the view outside. “I don’t know.”

“Looks like Kim Jongin have lots of competition from this school. He better get you before anyone else do if I were him.” He jabbered as he started the engine and sped off.

“Competition?” I blurted out nonchalantly, “I’m sure he would never feel threatened because he knows how I am.” I uttered out cockily as I know how conceited and confident Jongin is before, about me.

“You can say that, but it’s not like you can read what’s exactly on his mind, right?” Sehun butts in as I gazed back at him and he cocked a brow at me.

That said, certain doubts filled my mind. Knowing Jongin, I would think that he’s very confident about himself, but like what Sehun said, now I’m starting to wonder whether I really gave him enough reason to not let his feelings for me easily waver. Those brief times when he was jealous with Baekhyun, or Luhan, or even Yixing doesn’t mean anything deep, right? He won’t be doubtful of me if he really loves me, I guess. But then again, the letter I gave him when I left would probably make him feel like it. And if one day he comes to doubt me, I wouldn’t think of anyone at fault but me—because I gave him enough reason to doubt me even if I didn’t really mean it.

I only told him those things because I thought letting him go was the best thing to do. But then here I am, suddenly wanting to take back all that I said, because my heart still defeated my purpose. My mouth would say that I will survive without him, but I would always yearn for him. I would always think that I don’t deserve him, but afterwards I would just want to be selfish and want him for myself. I pushed him away, but then now I am going back to him. I told him to not think of me, but when I wrote it down I was hoping that he would think of me all the time. I told him to move on from me, but deep inside it was the least that I wanted him to do. I told him not to wait for me, but all this time all I wish is for him to do that for me. I told him not to find me, but it was the one thing I was hoping for him to do the most. Find me anywhere on the face of the earth like he told me before. I lied to him, deceived him, but all I want now is to hear him forgive me. All I want is for him not to forget me and never find someone better than me.

I just want to be enough for him.

But why am I such a terrible piece of conflicted contradiction?

“Do you… do you think he would even want me ever again?” The words came out with a bitter taste from my mouth, as I was only desperate to hear a positive answer.

Sehun was silent. His eyes were stuck on the road, his brows were furrowed furiously together as he was in the midst of contemplation. I was thinking that his speechlessness meant that he doesn’t have an answer for me, that I just looked away, dejected. The road was a little jam-packed today more than in the weekdays, and the endless traffic made the atmosphere feel more stale than it already was. The longer the quiet between us has become, the greater the pain in my heart that I was feeling.

“He would.” I looked back at Sehun with rounded eyes when he finally spoke. His expression was unreadable, but the way he was so sure about it made me feel an amount of relief.

“He would always want you, Nana.” He repeated with a stern voice, making a smile escape from my lips. Those were enough to give me hope.

“Thank you.” I told him as I rested back on the car seat and smiled while looking outside again. And just when I did, water droplets started to stain the glass windows of Sehun’s car.

Did the sky purposely made it rain today because it knows that I will see Jongin again? The wishful thinking made me smile even wider.

“You’re the only girl he ever loved like this. Did you know?” Sehun blurted out randomly.

“He used to hang out with tons of girls from clubs, he used to entertain some girls from our school before. You could say he was a playboy. He played with girls’ hearts, changed from one girl to another, but he never truly liked them. There was no invisible string that attached him emotionally to them, though I couldn’t deny how physically attached he was to any of them.” He uttered out the words Jongin never told me. The detailed explanation of his past self that I never got to touch so deeply because I was afraid of hurting even from the little knowledge of knowing what he did with those many girlfriends.

“He may have spent days with them, but to Jongin, they were only dolls he used to play with. They never affected him in the way you do to him. You were the only girl he treated with so much care and affection. The only girl he willed himself to protect. The only girl he trusted. You were the only one he dedicated his everything to. He loved you.” Upon hearing those words, like a slap that hit me hard, I realized how foolish I was to take him for granted. I forgot how broken he was before I had tried to piece him back. I forgot how fragile Jongin was that I mindlessly did let him go, not knowing that he would only shatter into smaller shards.

“He loved you so much. That when you left, he just got worse from being broken. Now, he’s just half-way empty. And if you don’t save him any soon, he might just become the Jongin no one knows.” Those words scared me, that I just felt my eyes pour out tears filled with the pain I hadn’t cried out for the past days that I couldn’t, anymore. I sobbed and sniffed as I had covered my mouth with both my hands to muffle my cries.

At this moment I don’t care whether Sehun can see me or hear me, because the tears won’t just stop. I heard enough to make me feel those hurtful sensations again. I’ve known enough to realize that I did something bad. And I regret ever doing it. Leaving.

What’s worse than lying, when you promised someone that you’d be truthful?

What’s worse than leaving, when you promised to always stay by someone’s side?

What’s worse than hurting someone, when you vowed never to inflict more pain to that someone?

What’s worse than breaking a promise to someone you love?

What’s worse than breaking someone’s heart?

Name it. I know I’m the worst.

Yet, I still want him to want me.

“S-Sehun,” I uttered out in between my sobs, “I w-want h-him. I want him. I badly m-miss h-him. I-I want to s-say s-sorry to h-him. I-I miss him so much.” I bawled my eyes out as I rested my head on the window and covered my eyes with the back of my hand.

“I want to see him, Sehun.” I pleaded over and over.

The car came into a halt, but I was still crying. Sehun didn’t say anything at all when I started crying so I don’t really know how he thinks of me now. Or how was he reacting to me bawling to him like an idiot. But when I felt his hand remove my hand from my face, and cupped the sides of my face to wipe the tears away with his thumb, it was clear how he had a look of sympathy for me.

“You better not go out there looking like this.” He breathed out as he continued to wipe off the tears on my face.

“I don’t want others to think that I made you cry Kim Nana, so calm yourself. You’re going to see him, alright? And if you want, we can do something so you can talk to him.” I sniffed as I nodded repeatedly in front of him. Sehun let out a faint smile at me when he finally removed his hands from my face.

He pulled something from the compartment of his car that was in front of me and placed a baseball cap over my head gently, tipping its edge down so my face gets covered. He then grabbed the scarf I was holding and wrapped it around my neck, that it almost covered half of my face. And when he was satisfied with his work, he smiled in appreciation of it.

“Keep that on until the end of the program.” He told me and I nodded wordlessly.

Sehun got out of his side of the car and I panicked because I thought he was going somewhere else without me. But when I looked around and realized where we are, it was only when it dawned upon me that we are already here. Back in Seoul High.

He opened the door to my side for me, and released me from my seatbelt like a helping gentleman. He offered his hand to me, and I took it with a smile he would not see all because the scarf was hiding half of my face. He pulled me going to the familiar huge building at the east wing of our campus, making sure that he has a tight grip on my hands so we wouldn’t get separated.

“I hope you won’t feel awkward now that I’m going to hold your hand.” He told me, but I only shook my head while I was looking down and trying to hide my face from anyone.