Luhan did let me cry in his arms the whole time we were together. But apparently, with me bawling like that on him, our little ‘bonding day’ has to get cut short because I was definitely catching a lot of attention in the mall. He brought me back to school, but since he knows how I don’t want to get any more eyes latching on me, we came to the empty soccer field—that has been barren for the day due to the fact that it’s a Sunday. No practices. Few people in school.

“Please enlighten me on what just happened there.” Luhan said as he pinched the bridge of his nose while tilting his head up in front of me.

All this time, Luhan had not asked me anything about what happened with Soojung and I in the mall. He spared time to let me cry over what I heard without him even asking what was that about Jongin suddenly moving on from me, him getting a girl, and us breaking up. I don’t even know how to explain everything to him because I, myself, am confused about what’s going on. Did that girl even tell the truth about Jongin?

“Nana, tell me. What nonsense was she talking about? Is it even true?” Luhan pressed with a stern voice as he placed his hands on my shoulders to make me face him.

Tears were still flowing from my eyes when I stared at him, trying to get out something from my mouth but couldn’t in the end. Why can’t I even say anything? Is it because I’m starting to believe what Soojung said? That Jongin got himself a new girl to replace me because I left him, and I wasn’t really that important for him to even put an effort to search for me? Or try to reach me? Where did that promise to-find-me-anywhere-on-the-face-of-earth go?! Were those just empty words he said to sugar coat his real intentions of playing with my feelings?

Am I just another girl to him?!

I’ve wasted crying my eyes out because here I thought I was being so unfair to him all this time for lying and for leaving him without even explaining everything. But look how easy my boyfriend moved on from me. It took him a couple of days to forget me. It took him a couple of days to get another girl. While it might take me forever to forget him. And I might never find someone to replace him. I am so madly in love with him that I almost forgot the idea of breaking up with him or getting replaced by someone else. I dedicated to him all my feelings that I feel so empty right now because that ridiculous piece of news just squeezed out the last hope I have in me.

And if I didn’t know him better, I would have easily just believed Soojung.

But since I know Kim Jongin better than just someone like her, Soojung’s words mattered to me for only a few moments. I just want to release all my frustrations out that I used it as another excuse to cry. Maybe what she said is right, but it can also be false. And I was more or less convinced that it is false. Since knowing her, she hates me with every fiber in her body, and she must probably be saying all those stuff to me to get back for all the humiliation I caused her.

But whether it’s real or not. It’s not for me to decide, but for Jongin to tell.

I need to first hear what he has to say when we finally come face to face at a certain day, which I know will come around without me even asking for it. And whether it’s too late for me, or it’s still a chance for me, I will find that out when I finally see him.

For now, I will have to play with time while trying to hold on to what I believe—Jongin. Despite my hopes crashing down once, I’m willing to tie another string of hope around my wrist in hopes that Jongin will pick up the other end and tie it around his own wrist.

“C-can I just get another hug?” I asked Luhan as I finally got the strength to speak anything.

His initial reaction was stifling a laugh that immediately died down as he saw me already glaring at him in tears.

“Arasso. Arasso.”  He pulled me in for a hug and I sank deeper in his embrace as soon as his arms looped around me and emitted warmness. The kind of warmth that I needed at the moment. A comforting one.

“You asking this just meant one thing.” I heard him mumble as he started my hair, “that you actually didn’t believe her, right?”

I nodded, though I was partly still pondering over what Soojung said longer than I had expected. I would just try for her words not to get to me as long as I can. I’ll think about it but I will swear not to kill myself with it. Right.

Be brave Kim Nana. You’ve been such a coward for such a long time now, and you know that it’s not you. So, not just a few words should bring you back into the kind of coward you were before. You’ve worked hard into bringing back your confidence so don’t let Soojung’s words get to you.

“I’m better than what she thought I am.” I blurted out loud what was in my mind, and in no less than a second Luhan agreed with a satisfied hum.

“Thanks for staying by my side like always, Luhan.” I told him with a smile tugging on my lips.

“It has been my pleasure.” He uttered out in response.

The night died down, just like any other nights, normally. With us going back to the dorms, saying our good night wishes for each other, and entering our own confines. I’ve been brave looking in front of my friends for a long time now. Although, I could tell that sometimes they still don’t buy how fake I present myself every day to them, I know that they know how I’m trying to be cheerful. I’m just thankful that they don’t have to ask me why I’m sad, or why I’m trying so hard to act. Because the answer is very obvious. There is only one reason that can easily break me into pieces. And maybe, because they know that one reason could kill me inside, they never dared to ask.

In the midst of school week, I still continued to receive bouquets of lilacs, and bouquets of forget-me-nots. And although it’s been almost 3 weeks, not one of my so-called ‘secret admirers’ ever revealed their identity to me. Hani and Maeri have gone into a couple of guessing games to figure out who it was, but they managed to figure out none. It was tough than cake and exams, that I just often receive the gifts without giving much meaning to them.

“Here you are.” Gaeun greeted with a sheepish smile as she placed the bouquets on her desk to let me pick them up.

“Thank you, Gaeun-ssi.” I uttered out as I cradled the two bundles and bowed in front of her.

“Your admirers are very sweet.” She giggled as she taps my arm, “you should see what’s written on one of the greeting cards.” She informed me and I bobbed my head to tell her that I’ll do.

I trudged going to my room, and when I finally got in, I did what she told me. I placed the bouquet of forget-me-nots down on the wooden table of my altar and checked the greeting card on my lilacs. It was stuck in between stalks, and when I opened the card I smiled just seeing what was written even if it was the sender’s normal way of greeting me all the time.

Have a good day, Kim Nana.

“So I guess, this was not the greeting Gaeun-ssi wanted for me to see.” I muttered to myself as I carefully placed the lilacs in the empty vase I already prepared before fetching my flowers.

When done, I decided to do the same with the forget-me-nots. I searched for the greeting card always attached to the bouquet that would just normally display a hand writing of my name. It was again placed in between stalks, but when I opened the card I felt dazed. What’s this?

Forget-me-not, Nana.

My eyes lingered over the card as I read the four words over and over. Who should I not forget? My heart was beating erratically as I tried to piece everything in my head. Why do I even keep on thinking about him at times like this? Is it because I sometimes believe that he was the one sending these flowers? But it could also be from one sender. This could be from another person.

“Nana, you don’t want to break again so stop putting your hopes high.” I opposed my own thoughts like the usual and just decided to pretend that I had not even read those four words. I placed the flowers in an empty vase again but paid less attention to them unlike the previous days.

I got inside the bathroom immediately, drowning myself under warm water to stop my thoughts from running in my head. But too unlucky for me, because I would just always think of him like any other day. Too hard to be me, right?

Preparing for school was easier task since I just have to wear my uniform, prepare my things, and get to our building in time. Listening in class and trying to stay awake while the teachers are discussing has always been tougher, but I like it better than simply doing nothing. Because at times that I don’t have to be preoccupied, I would just continue to think of Jongin like an obsessed lovesick girl.

“Have you been getting enough sleep?” Hani asked as she roamed her eyes on my face as we were walking in the corridors to come to the cafeteria. I nodded wordlessly to her in response even if it wasn’t really the case. Troubling her would be the least I wanted to do, so I would just often lie whenever I needed to—to avoid worrying her and having useless arguments.

“I doubt it.” She blurts out, “The bags under your eyes say so.”

I chuckled to myself—since I know this should be expected. I would lie but in the end Hani or Maeri would still know that I’m not saying the truth. “You’re really good at being psychic.” I commented with a huge grin on my lips.

“Of course,” She says with a merry tone, “How can I not be? You’re my friend. Of course I would know it better when you’re lying or not.” She points out with a sweet voice, making me feel really touched.

“To have friends that know you more than yourself is sometimes scary.” I uttered out and then sighed.

She grinned at me and slapped my back without even preparing me. “I know, right!”

I just rubbed my back silently to ease the stinging her harsh slap did on my skin, because I know that whenever she would be physical that she did not mean to hurt any of us. Hani’s just normally like that. Boyish. Love’s to show her affection with harshness no one of us ever dared to tell her again—since it had been her habit all her life, and she can’t ever