I clenched my fists on my sides as I tried to process everything in my head. Everything that he said, my feelings, all that I wanted to tell him. I had a hard time breathing as air somewhat left my lungs, tears overflowed from my eyes, my heart hammered rapidly against my chest, my mind was in a swirl of storms as it got filled with so many thoughts—realizations, a lot of trivial ideas, but either way heartbreaking.

I gulped as I fathomed out how true this is, how surreally real that we're in front of each other, and I'm crying because Jongin accused me of doing something I did not do and never will do. How could he? Of all people, he's the only person I thought would know me so well, he's the person I trusted the most, I loved him with all I can, and yet here he is doubting me?

"Okay," I breathed out, "Think whatever you want to think because I don't care anymore." I told him even if in fact I really do care what he thinks of me.

Surprisingly, his eyes widened when he heard me tell him that mindlessly. But I didn't just stop there. We're already here, so might as well let him see all the pent up emotions I have been holding in until now and tell him all that I want him to hear. Who cares? He didn't even listen to me when I told him to. He can't even believe me. He just believed what he saw and perhaps whatever Haera told him or made him believe about me.

"All this time I'm trying to hold myself back from telling you all that I am feeling, but now I won't since we're not going anywhere with this." I uttered out as I try to numb myself of the pain that was shattering my heart to small fragments.

I looked him in the eyes as I prepared myself to say my piece. "I've always thought before that as long as we are in love we would be able to surpass anything. I thought other things wouldn't matter to me as long as I have you. So, basically my world just revolved around you. You were everything to me. Everything." I wiped a tear as I forced myself to continue.

"I'm happy when I'm with you. I feel like I can achieve anything when I'm with you. I feel safe in your arms. I was more confident because of you. Everything changed when you entered my life. Since the beginning, because of you my boring life became so interesting, in a good way and a bad way."

"Good, because I realized I can be anything as long as I am with you. Because I became a stronger person. I learned so many things from you. I really did. But the best thing that happened because of you is that I was able to learn how to open my heart again."

"Bad..." I paused when I felt like I couldn't really say it in a way that it won't hurt him. "Because my world only revolved around you. I trusted you with everything. I loved you too much. I gave you everything I had. I tried so hard to be enough for you. I depended so much on you. I did all that, that maybe I don't even get to notice the other things happening around me that matters too. That I am so hurt now because I trusted you and yet you don't. I gave you too much of my love that now I'm broken and almost an empty cup. I depended so much on you that I feel so crippled when you're not there for me."

I saw how his face contorted into a pain filled one as I kept going. It breaks me to see that but I had to endure, because what if this is the only chance I get to say all this to him? All my true feelings.

"I thought I will be happy and contented with just loving you. But then, after crying buckets and buckets of tears all because of you, I just woke up one day asking myself why I am not happy at all? Why am I rather hurt than happy? Why do I feel like everything's gone so wrong? Why?" I released one heavy breath as I urged myself to say it. That one thing he made me realize today.

"Today, you made me realize why." I uttered out with a soft voice, almost lifeless, "It's because I loved you too much, and yet I wasn't able to love myself enough. I gave you all that I had, but because I gave it to you there wasn't much left for me."

“I had always lied to myself that I’m okay. But maybe, now’s the time to stop fooling myself.” I finally said.

I started crying again as I looked away from him and reluctantly raised my hands and reached for the hook of my necklace. I released myself from the one thing that keeps reminding me of Jongin very much and I placed it inside my hands, hugged it one last time to my chest as I wallow in the misery of letting him go.

"Let's just stop here." I blurted out as I extended my hand holding the necklace and opened his right hand with my free one before putting the silver chain in his palm carefully.

I pulled my hand away, letting it touch his skin to feel his warmth one last time, before I took one step back away from him. He tried to reach out for me with his hand, but he retracted it back when he saw me shake my head, telling him not to stop me from going away.

"I know about those pictures. Those pictures in your room of me and 'those guys'. I accidentally saw them when I tried organizing your table. I don't want to assume who gave it to you. But I know that's where all your doubts started from, right?" I bitterly asked and tried faking a smile when I saw his eyes widen in shock with what I had told him.

"I tried not thinking too much about it. I told myself how much I trust that you wouldn't easily believe it, but I guess I just fooled myself again. Maybe I trusted in you too much." I chuckled unhumoredly as I wiped my tears over and over with the sleeve of my jacket. I felt him tug on my arm, but I just peeled his hand off and backed away further.

"Don't pity me like that. I know I look so pathetic right now, but please don't make it any harder for me." I told him as I held up my hand in front of him to tell him not to do anything.

"All I just want to say now is that, thank you for everything... and I'm sorry for hurting you so much."

Those were the last things, as far as I can remember, that I told him before I ran away from him and went home bawling my eyes out without care even if mom saw me on my way inside our house. I locked myself inside my room, cried my eyes out until I had no tears to cry, and slept like a slot from all the exhaustion.

I never thought everything would fall apart just because of one simple thing—Trust. Because he lost his trust in me, everything came crashing down in such a devastating, and ugly fashion. But I’m not blaming him at all for this. Maybe it’s me. Perhaps I’m actually the root of all his doubts. Right when I first lied to him, that time I disappeared without explaining everything to him. Maybe, it’s when his trust started wavering for me. I lied to him once, who is he to blame if he thinks I would lie to him again, when it was me who marked it in his head that I could lie. And who knows if I’m ever saying the truth? But he should have at least known better to trust me, than believing someone’s words who barely knows me.

He thinks I’m cheating on him? When he said that I felt like laughing at his words. I felt like mocking him for saying the impossible. Because I’d rather choose getting cheated on than the one cheating. I’d rather get cheated on than getting wrongly accused of being a cheater. Of all people he should have known that. I felt so mad at him when he accused me of such a thing. But despite all the anger I felt for him, the moment I walked away from him all those scary feelings faded. I regretted saying all my honest feelings when he was long gone from my sight, because I’m afraid how I am going through the next days without him.

Why am I such a fool?

What was the point of telling him the truth when I know I would feel worse the next day knowing that I ended everything between us. I was the one who did. Even I, can’t believe that I was able to do that, but I know I did the right thing because how else are we supposed to continue if we’re already probably both unhappy? How else are we going to love each other without having trust? Isn’t that the most important? Trust? But I know, right now, it’s the one thing we lack. It’s the one thing we don’t have. He lost his trust in me because he thought I would easily lie to him all the time, and I lost mine on him the moment he doubted me. And you know what? It’s probably the worst feeling in the world—to know that the one you offered your world to doesn’t trust you anymore.

What made me feel worse than that is when realization flooded in, leaving me unprepared. Leaving me clueless as to how was I supposed to feel. How was I supposed to feel after realizing how unhappy I became? How stupid I had gotten because I loved a guy too much that I almost forgot about myself. I always set him in as my priority when in fact everything’s not just about him. I forgot to look around me, because I became too full of him. I had missed a lot of things, the tiny bit of everything, because all I saw was him. I loved him with all I’ve got, yet it isn’t still enough because I realized I haven’t loved myself at all.

So, how can I even love someone else, when I can’t even love myself enough to say that I feel whole, I feel content, and I feel happy with myself? Isn’t loving yourself always the first step to everything? You should love yourself, so are your flaws, because it’s the only way you can actually love someone right, it’s the only way everyone else around you can actually feel happy. If I’m just filled with unhappiness and the feeling of unworthiness then I guess I can't give anything else but that.

Love yourself first, and everything else will fall into line. That’s what I thought.

But I guess, acting upon my realization is harder than just simply saying it. How am I even supposed to start doing something for myself when here I am all hurt? Grieving. Breaking even. On the rocks, scarred by everything. It’s so hard to stand up again that I just got in circles while drowning in my own misery.

After that day, I felt like I’m in another blank page of my life. Blank yet crumpled. Too wrinkled, that I don’t even know where to start because I can’t still believe that I just ended things with the boy I loved so much. I don’t even know if that’s how someone’s supposed to break up with someone. Or if it can already be called a break up. Because if any, it was my first time doing that. It was the first time I got too straightforward. Too honest. Too selfish.

How did Jongin even feel after hearing that from me? Was he also hurt like me? Was he able to sleep last night? Did he cry too? Did he or did he not?

I tossed and the mattress as thoughts of him started filling my head again. Still everything’s about him. I don’t know how I am even going to live life as if he didn’t exist or that I don’t know him. Bec