You could say that I’m like a baby when it comes to facing my fears. I do it with small, careful steps, afraid of failing to conquer it if I do it hastily, and without thinking. But that was before.

Now is me, charging head on with my fear—well, not basically my fear. Rather, someone I chose to treat like how I would treat my fears.

Well, my goal is to be able to live on life knowing that he won’t be here with me. He won’t be there at every step I take. He won’t be there to comfort me when I feel like I just lost myself to everything. He’s not going to be someone I’m going to depend on.

But sadly, even in the teensy bit of chances, no one can replace him as my rock. My source of strength. My source of power. He still has that effect on me. Because, merely thinking of him and our happy memories together were enough reason to push me to live. He gave me reason to still wake up every morning. He gave me reason to still smile. He gave me reason to dream as he had always been a dreamer himself.

I am still willing to fall victim of him despite knowing that he’s also my source of weakness. Because I know, by not forcing myself to forget him that soon enough I would be able to live one day more open to the fact that we’re not a thing anymore, but I still love him. Maybe, by trying to desensitize myself of him, in a way that I would expose myself to him more—see him more, think of him more, that I’d later become immune to his enchanting presence.

I had been trying to do that for the past month, and it has been December now and yet I bet not so much changed in my life. I know you’re wondering why, but basically it’s just because of one measly reason I barely, much to my own liking, understand. You see, during the past days I’ve been going home more often even though I just wanted not to, so I can avoid Jongin, but because I had set in mind that it was part of my desensitization plan I still keep doing it up to this point. It was actually working well on me, being in a familiar ground that obviously screamed of his presence helps me in somehow getting immune to him, but then it’s funny how no matter how many times I go home that I wouldn’t see Jongin so much. The only times I saw him were those 2 times he went out of their house at the same time I did when I was asked to run an errand. He, of course, didn’t notice me gaping at him by the mere instance of seeing him because in those two times he was hurrying off to somewhere.

And with no luck of seeing him so much, the progress of my plan was still fruitless. I still miss him. I keep wondering how he has been. I keep wishing he would just go home and look at me in the eyes even for a brief moment.  I keep dreaming of him. I keep feeling the different kind of fuzzy in my pit by the mere fact of thinking of him. So, Instead of getting immune to him it just became the opposite of what I wanted to happen. I just became even more sensitive by the mere mention of him, and I can’t blame it to anything but Jongin’s lack of cooperation.

Thanks to him, the immunity I had been yearning for is slipping away from my hands every passing day. His absence was just making me go crazy and it seems like his impact in my life just affectionately grew even deeper as I had lost control of my own feelings since a long time ago.

If you ask me if I’m completely healed from all the hurt I had felt from before, well I would say that maybe. If someone asked me if I had forgiven Jongin for all the pain he cost me, I would say that it doesn’t even need to be asked—he doesn’t even need to ask for my forgiveness for I had already long forgiven him. Because in the first place, it isn’t just him at fault for all the ugly turn of events in our relationship.  People would think I’m the victim in our case, but of all people I know better that it’s not just me. We are both victims of our own faults. It’s not just me. So whenever they would curse at him for making me cry so much before, I would always tell them that it’s not just his fault and that they shouldn’t rashly get mad at him when they were merely just audiences of our old love story. I would always defend him like that because not all of us know whether he had cried his eyes out too just like I did. Or if he regretted some things he did because he realized his faults just like how I realized mine.

Maybe you may find it ridiculous of me that I just realized all the things I had done wrong after the last confrontation I had with him. Why was it the only time that I did? Perhaps, just like in others’ cases, it’s because it's the time something or someone is already gone in your life that you realize how greatly important they are for you. It’s the only time our minds clear up and we are able to ponder over why they are so special to us and what went wrong. It’s the only time we are able to patch up the tiny details of things that we think highly as the probable cause of our unwanted separation with that something or someone dear to us. And upon realizing those things, it’s when we just wish we haven’t done them. Just like how I wish I didn’t just lie to him before, or how I wish I just persuaded dad not to send me to another school, or how I wish I just told Jongin how nothing’s going on between me and my friends—for I only share something platonic with them, or how I wish I just didn’t burst out on him that time he had slapped me on the face with his accusations, or how I wish I should have just assured him more that he’s just the one for me like how he would always make me feel.

There’s so much I regret about. But I know it’s already too late to bathe myself in them. Because they are all in the past and I should live in the present. For living in the past won’t change anything at all.

This time around, I am just going to live more freely despite the constant flashes of the past. I’d live without planning. I’d be more spontaneous.

Because in the past, I was the kind of person who kept worrying over things in my schedule that weren’t so much of a big deal at all. I was the worry wart who seems to think of tiny issues as problems. I smiled less and cried often. I surrounded myself with negativity even though I kept telling myself that it isn’t the case. I thought more of what others would think of me instead of just simply living without caring so much of what they would say about me. I was a girl with low self-esteem. I was an introvert. I was the homey type. I don’t go out a lot. I saw myself as one big flaw, that every time something went wrong I would blame it on one of my flaws. In short, I barely appreciated myself before.

So far, as I am in the process of mastering that art of just being me, I realized how bad I was in appreciating myself. It was too bad to the point that I still find ugly those things that other people deemed lucky of me to have—Just like how I find my hair plain ugly even though others would say they would still have to pay just to own the kind of hair I have, or how I envy other girls who doll themselves up by painting their faces with makeup when in fact they were dying to go out bare just like how I do, or how I don’t see myself as an intelligent person when there are those people in school who barely even achieve what I have. There are so many things I used to find as a perfect flaw to blemish my existence, Flaws that I couldn’t love, yet flaws that someone like Jongin have accepted and appreciated about me wholeheartedly.

He wanted those parts of me that I wanted to throw away. The parts of me I was so convinced no one would ever love.

But he did.

And, if someone other than me can love my own imperfections, why can’t I?

The moment I realized that, I had worked hard not on perfecting myself, but staying myself. I strived hard on trying to appreciate every part of me, especially those perfect flaws I used to call imperfect. Who cares if I’m flawed? All of us are, anyway. No matter how perfect we look on the outside, all of us are just as scarred as others are. Equally scarred.

“Thanks for helping me move back some of my things from the dorm.” I told Yixing when he had just shut close the trunk of his car after emptying it up of the things I brought home from my room in the dorms.

“Sure thing.” He beamed and smiled. “Anyway, are you planning on going home from now on instead of the dorms because I can always give you a ride if you want.” He politely offered.

The offer seemed tempting but I’m not stupid to take advantage of him just because he had volunteered to do so. So, I just shook my head and smiled. “I’ll be going home more often now, but you don’t have to do that for me.” I saw him purse his lips in disappointment upon hearing my answer but I just ruffled his hair and smiled.

“I’m really glad that you offered, but this time I’m sorry but I will have to refuse your kindness.” I told him honestly. His face relaxed but still he looked bothered.

“Okay, but if you need anything just call me.” I nodded and heaved a small smile at him again.

We said our goodbyes, parting for the day, since he had done his job helping me bring my things up in my room. I waved at him one last time when he threw me the same gesture beforehand. Once he was off, I sighed in relief while watching his car disappear by the distance, as the things I needed to do before Christmas break comes had lessened because of his help.

I went back inside our house and shook my head upon seeing Minhyuk and Jae In all lovey-dovey in the living room while watching a romantic film. I was surprised at first to know that they actually had gotten together since a month and a half ago already because my brother never really said anything about them until one day I just saw Jae In in our house spending dinner with my family. It looked like mom and dad knew about them before that, because they weren’t even uneasy around Jae In at that time. Her visits became more often since then, and I have gotten used to her being around the house like that.

“Oh, done sending your friend off?” Jae In chirped when she saw me coming in. I nodded and smiled.

“Well, if you’re free why do