For some reason, all of us just ended up spending the day at an open field. Ten of the eleven boys have been playing soccer since an hour ago and they haven't stopped at all since then. Beads of sweat covered their faces and exposed skins, their shirts have been dampened all over too, and breaths ragged due to exhaustion, but the smiles on their faces while playing are too priceless that I couldn't ask them to stop. I can tell that they are in fact enjoying each other’s company even if it's just a short time since the very first time they met each other, and I feel very happy about it. Nonetheless, happy.

"Are you good just watching from here?" I asked the guy sitting with me on the wooden bench not too far from where the boys were playing at.

He nodded and crossed his arms as he smiled at the scene in front of us. "Of course. Their number would be odd if I join them, anyway." He told me. I nodded in understanding and stared back at the boys.

It has been two weeks since my fight with Jongin, we've talked, had forgiven, but still I feel like something is still wrong. I just couldn't pin point what. Or perhaps I know what's off but I just keep denying it, mainly because I don't want to admit that our relationship is in its 'in between'—where we're together, we're happy, we're fine but inwardly we're not at all.

Of course, I know that we are not fine since the time we had that camping trip. Luhan and Jongin fought, so what do I expect? I'm trying to be neutral, attending to both, but since Jongin isn't the type to give way, most of the time, he would always have his way to control me. He would always find his way to stay close to me, asking me not to be so close to other guys, accompanying me wherever I go like my trained dog, forbidding me to accept treats from anyone except him, and recently, he's being overly jealous about the smallest things, that I just can't help but sigh whenever he does. How did he even become the kind of guy he is, right now? I honestly don't get him. It's like he just changed overnight and I'm so clueless as to why.

Well, there are those pictures that I had found in his room that might be the cause to his change, but since he didn't confront me about it, I didn't think that he took it as a big deal. There's Haera too, but for all I know, he's been avoiding her since. So, I'm just left with no clue to blame his behavior change for.

It's somewhat frustrating, but I'm holding on, wishing that things would go back to how it used to be before, for us. Because, for some reason, I'm missing the old Jongin. The Jongin I used to know. That carefree, annoying, unsuspecting, trustful, brat who never leaves me out of his matters. That person who's just true to me. And not the person who hides a lot of things from me now. How did I know that he does? Instinct? Just like how others say it, ‘my strong womanly instinct just told me so’—and just so you know, our instincts have been proven accurate most of the time.

"How are you coping?" The guy next to me spoke again, and I cocked my head to his direction to silently question him what he meant by what he asked.

Noticing my cluelessness, he opened his mouth again to elaborate what he said, "I mean, I know you're not alright even if you're smiling in front of everyone else," My eyes widened upon hearing that from him. I never really expected for anyone to notice.

"Am I that obvious?"

He shook his head. "No, but I'm just observant. I've known you for quite some time now, and I just notice it that whenever you're spacing out, looking at nowhere, that you are thinking and that you are bothered by something." He pointed out and smiled knowingly.

I snorted at the accuracy of his observation. "You're too keen, for my own liking."

"Maybe." He breathed out and shrugged. "But seriously, what are you troubled about?"

I looked back at the boys and forced out a smile as I felt my heart clench just thinking about our situation right now, "Jongin has changed."

"Changed?" He repeated and I nodded.

A sigh escaped from both our lips at the same time, and we laughed after that for no reason.

"I'm actually thinking that he did too." He suddenly blurted out, seriousness in his voice.

"So, you've noticed?" I turned my head to him and saw him bob his head in response.

"Well, for some reason he's been so wary of me since two weeks ago. Whenever we happen to be talking he would appear and take you away, sometimes I would see him heave me a sharp stare. So I thought, that maybe he doesn't like me at all. Not that I didn't notice that from him before. I know he doesn't like me that much, but he's not so suspecting like that back then." He told me honestly.

"Just like how I noticed. He's been overly paranoid and I don't get why he's changed like that." I uttered out with a sullen tone and sighed deeply in utter frustration.

"I'm thinking," He says, "Is there a reason for him to be like that? I mean, for all I know he's not the type to get overly jealous before but now he is."

I wanted to tell him about the things I learned about before all this happened, but I just can't say it yet. I feel like I'm not in the position either to tell anyone about it when I'm not supposed to know about it in the first place. Besides, I don't want Jongin to think that I'm just thinking that I know what he's feeling when in fact I'm just probably imposing on him again.

"I actually don't know what to say, Yixing." I just told him and buried my face in my hands as I just want to get lost in everything for a moment.

"I want to think that we're fine. But I know we aren't. So I don't know. I'm hurting, but I can't feel that way in front of him, otherwise he'd overthink he did something wrong when for all I know it could be me doing everything wrong." I drawled out as I moved my face away from my hands and rested them on my lap, playing with my fingers as I try to hold my feelings together.

Yixing suddenly gave my back comforting pats, making my eyes watery as hell. "Nana, you know you can't lie to yourself for long. You can't hide everything just because you don't want to hurt him. I know you hate doing that, but don't you think showing him what you truly feel and voicing it out to him will make things much less complicated? You said you don't ever want to lie to him after what happened before, but look how you're doing it again." I want to make things right. I want to listen to Yixing because he's right, but how am I supposed to tell everything to Jongin when he himself is hiding things from me?

"Yixing, I want to be honest with him. But he's closing up on me. I don't even know if he's going to believe me if I say things I want to tell him because he's obviously doubting me." I responded, my voice faltering as I try not to choke on my words.

"Doubting you?"

"He is." I affirmed. "Recently he is. Even if he doesn't tell me I know he is."

"And how did you—"

Xiumin suddenly kept calling us as he was running to our direction that our attention got diverted to him. He was holding his phone in one hand as he hurried to us. Stopping, he said things in panic that it came out incoherently from his mouth.

"Dude, calm down and tell us what it is!" Yixing uttered out in irritation at his friend.

But Xiumin still didn't calm down, instead he panted even more as beads of sweat traced down his face, his breathing ragged as he spoke again, "Mae-Maeri said that Luhan's just had a convulsion and damn we need to be there for our friend! His fever has gotten worse, the doctor—"

I felt my whole body tremble when I heard what happened to Luhan, and without hearing him further I just found myself running away from the place without caring whether someone would question why I was in a haste. I hurried till I was again on a side street waiting for a cab to stop so I can get a ride and go to where Luhan is. I tried hailing passing cabs, but my attempts were all futile as they just kept passing by me. I was in the verge of tears as I started to feel hopelessness get to me as I was too anxious to simply get to my best friend's side right then and there.

"Please, just stop and let me ride." I muttered repeatedly to myself every time a cab ignores me and passes by even if they were empty.

Suddenly a car stops in front of me. The window to the passenger's side winds down and Yixing's face appears as he ducks his head down and peeks at me. "Get inside, I've already asked Xiumin to tell the others a plausible excuse so they don't have to worry about us suddenly being gone. The others also know the situation, and I asked them not to come so we're not that suspicious." I nodded quickly in understanding and slipped inside his car in an instant.

We drove away going to the hospital, Yixing occasionally going past the speed limit as he anxiously wants to reach the place like me in no time. It was a good 15 minutes before we actually managed to park the car in a parking space in the hospital. Both of us hurried out of the car and to the lift as soon as we can, and upon finally reaching Luhan's suite, we both rushed to his room only to find him peacefully asleep again. Several nurses were still there regulating his IV and getting his blood pressure. A doctor was there too, to monitor his vital signs.

I had fallen down on the floor the moment it sunk in that Luhan's somehow fine again. My limbs gave in as soon as I felt its weakening sensation go back as the adrenaline in my body dissipates after my panic had subsided. Yixing tried helping me up, but my feet won't just work on their own that he even had to carry me in his arms so he could get me out of Luhan's room and placed me on the couch in the waiting area.

"He's fine now, right?" I asked with a quivering voice as I wiped away tears that escaped from my eyes.

Yixing sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me as he assures me that Luhan is. "He's okay now. It must have just been due to his fever that he had a convulsion but he's fine now so don't worry too much."

I nodded my head repeatedly as he rubs my back over and over to coax me. "I was so scared. I was so scared I'd lose him any time. I don't want that to happen that's why I'm always by his side. But now, maybe because I wasn't here that this happened to him." I cried as I started sobbing.

"No. It did not happen because of you. Don't blame yourself for anything, Nana. This just happened because he's sick and no one is to blame. Alright?" Yixing opposed, but still I couldn't help but blame myself because I promised Luhan I'd always be there for him.

"But, Yixing, I p-promised him. I promised him I'd be there—"

"He wouldn't be happy if he hears you say that so stop blaming yourself for anything." He interrupted and I just cried even more when I realized how pessimistic I had become, and how right he was. Luhan would never blame me for anything, much more that he wouldn't like me blaming myself for whatever that is happening to him.

The worries somehow died down for a while when Luhan woke up a few hours after his attack. He was not feeling well yet, and I could tell that he was just trying to appear cheerful in front of us when he's too weak to even smile, but still it was better than seeing him just sleep and not knowing what's actually happening to him in his sleep.

His body has weakened and his health has deteriorated due to his constant therapies. The doctor had actually informed us about how it was a natural side effect the drugs. He would weaken, he would sleep more, he would often feel nauseated and would vomit, he would thin, and eventually lose his hair.

We saw that happen as days passed. We saw him thin. We were there every time he would get dizzy and vomit. We would be there to see him in pain when his pain killers would finally wear off. We would be there to assist him whenever he wants to eat or do his bathroom necessities. We were all there for him, to help him, to support him, to cheer him up and talk to him. It has been on our daily activities since then, and I constantly went to the hospital even if it was already too hard on me to