"The ones who notice the storms in your eyes, the silence in your voice,

and the heaviness in your heart are the ones you need to let in."

Nana,

Do you remember the time I first transferred to this neighborhood?

It was the point in my life when I felt like I was at my worst. I thought my dad hates me because I was pursuing dance and it reminded him of my mother’s pains. We left our old neighborhood because he said I was a mess. I hated transferring to this place before because it was far from my dance school. It was far from my dream. Far from my friends in my old school. Far from the carefree life that I had. I hate it so much that I would just leave every morning to find escape and then go back late at night just to test my father’s patience.

The first time I saw you, it was my third time sneaking out, you were in your school uniform and we happened to make eye contact. I thought you were very pretty at first glance. Pretty would even be an understatement to describe you. But the other thing I noticed about you was the expressionlessness of your face. You were pretty but you never smiled.

Nonetheless, I could say that I fell in love with you at first sight.

I memorized the time you would go out of your house, and at that exact time, after feeling satisfied to see you, was the only time I would depart to where I would be heading to. Maybe, it was the fact that I started getting interested in you that made me want to see you every day like that. It made me feel better one way or another. Seeing you was like having sunlight in my gloomy days.

There was even a time when I followed you to school because I was just curious as to what kind of environment you study in. That sounded quite creepy, right? But forgive me because of my growing crush on you that time, it made me want to know you more.

You probably were surprised when you saw me at school. I’m sorry, it wasn’t any coincidence because I planned it all. The time when my parents were finding a suitable high school for me, I immediately suggested to them your school when I remembered that it was something called ‘Seoul High School’ from when I followed you.

Transferring, I never really expected that I’d be categorized as a popular kid, but I accepted it anyway since I found the others very like me. We were rebels in a way. We hate things in our lives and we escape from them in a similar way—fooling around. We clicked like that, but I was still frustrated because I couldn’t find the real reason why I decided to enter that school—you.

Maybe, it took me a month to finally spot you in the crowd, and it was the time when Baekhyun actually confessed to you. You were both in the empty hallway of your grade and I was at afar watching everything. I was wishing that you would actually reject him but when I heard you say ‘yes’ to him it broke my heart. I went home that day crying.

I was jealous seeing the girl I had feelings for become my friend’s girlfriend, but I set my feelings aside to not make things complicated. Still, Baekhyun was my friend and if he was making you happy, I was willing to sacrifice even if it was me who was going to hurt every time I see you with him.

Often times, I would just think that my feelings for you would go away, but seeing you every day on the way to school, inside our school, and on my way home it just made my feelings more known to me. The times when I would sneak glances at you, the times I would choose to stay in the same place as you, the wish that I was just the one holding you, worsened. I became this person who was addicted to you that when Baekhyun actually broke up with you, I took it as a chance to make you notice me. It was just my luck that you went to the rooftop when I was there and you happened to talk back. At that time I was known in school as a prick, so it made the perfect reason to make it seem like I was about to torture you when I told you about making your life more interesting, but in fact I was taking it as an advantage for me to see you more.

The time when I proceeded with my plans, I worked hard to annoy you. I never stopped until you finally talked back again and instead of hating how spiteful your words came, I still liked you. Your voice was like an angel’s and even if you look so mad because of me you were still pretty. I hanged on to the satisfaction of making you notice me until I realized that my plans were actually not working for the better. I was meaning to make you remember me, but not to loath me. Yet you ended up loathing me because the other students started doing the same things to you. They called you ‘pig’, ‘fat’ and other names when I only intended to call you that because I don’t want other guys to notice you. I was somehow doing that to make a lasting impression so you wouldn’t forget me but in the end I made you cry. I’m sorry I just really wanted to be selfish when it comes to you.

I regretted everything I did that moment I witnessed you cry alone, for the first time, in your classroom during that one time in autumn. It broke my heart that I witnessed you like that. And so that day, I went home saying sorry to you while looking at your picture that I first took. I sound like a creep. I know. But taking pictures of you was my way then to capture the different sides of you that I found so beautiful that I wanted to keep them. I’m really sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for being sadistic. I’m sorry for stalking you.

When I found out that you still liked Baekhyun after he had cheated on you, I was really mad at you. I thought you were such a fool for being so in love with a worthless boy. But then there was also me who was also like you. A fool who loves a fool that loves another guy. Again, that time my heart broke. I was so mad and broken that I probably became even sadistic. I wasn’t a good one to express myself to others well, so my jokes worsened. You loathed me even more. I took that as a reason to forget you but then my heart didn’t obey me. Even if you only loved Baekhyun, my heart still belonged to you.

I took every opportunity to leave an impression on you again. I did my usual routines of pulling a joke on you. But that time around, I understood what you can only tolerate so I just lessened my playfulness. I never came to the point where I would hurt you too much even if you were killing my feelings all the time for making me feel how you don’t like me at all. Remember that time in the lockers? You went to school early and I learned your pattern so I was at luck to spot you. You were really avoiding me so I was mad that I acted like a real jerk in front of you. When the teacher caught us and I was the one to leave an excuse, even if I told you I was never going to kiss you, in fact at that moment I was actually dying to do otherwise. Gladly, I was able to control myself. If not, maybe you hated me even more for stealing a kiss.

When you accidentally saw me with Soojung, I felt really sick about myself that time because I realized I just tried using her to forget you. But what hurt more that day was the fact that you still cared for Baekhyun even if I was in front of you. And when you actually looked so scared because I kept taunting you, it broke me even more when I was actually the reason you actually thought of killing yourself. I’m really sorry for that, Nana.

But when I found out my mom was finally friends with your mom, I suddenly became hopeful again because I thought it was another chance to finally get into your good side. When my mom offered me to accompany you to where you were headed to, I was actually very happy because it was the first time I was that close to you for the longest time.

When your mom told me you suffered leukemia years ago, I understood then why you were a lonely person. It gives me more reason to strive harder and get closer to you. Make you smile then make you trust me. Knowing you more was my happiness. And even though that same day I saw your picture with Baekhyun when you were still sick, and realized how long you have been in love with him, I still persisted and followed you to my uncle’s hospital. Witnessing you sing that day made me feel even luckier because I know I fell in love with a real angel that has a very beautiful voice. Since then, the song you sung had been my favorite.

I took every opportunity whether in your house or in school to be closer to you. I was happy when you actually accompanied me by the lockers and listened to the song you sung which you told me also as your favorite. I loved it when you shared the lunch your mom made for the both of us. I loved it when you let me hold your hand for the first time without complaining. I loved it that I was able to come to your house because it was a way to see you wake up in the morning, spend the afternoon with you, and see you sleep at  night. I cherished every moment I had with you, and I couldn’t be any more satisfied like that. To be with you. To know that you hate me less.

So, when I saw my friends actually torturing you that time in the gym, I knew it was my fault that they are actually toying on you, but I couldn’t just watch them do that to you that I punched Tao in anger. Even if we fought that time I really didn’t regret punching him because he deserved it. And keeping you safe from them was my goal, that I was so glad when we were out from that suffocating place. When I witnessed you cry under the rain, did you know that it was the most heartbreaking moment for me? Because I saw the girl I love cry so much, and I know it’s still because of me.

I hated myself so much that day that I just wanted nothing but to hold you all day. We crashed in your brother’s flat, and when I saw the wounds on your wrists I just wanted to kill someone and blamed myself even more. Yet, you still told me it wasn’t my fault. You were that nice. You were that kind of angel that still defended me from your brother when he was so mad at me after I admitted I was the culprit why you were hurt. That day, you slept in your brother’s room. I was left in his living room, laid on a mat to sleep while Minhyuk hyung laid on the couch. I didn’t take protest even if the floor was hard and I wasn’t really able to sleep that night because I know I deserved it. We actually had a guy-to-guy talk that time and it was then that I confessed to him how sorry I was it happened to you because I loved you since God knows when.

That day you had your hair cut, do you still remember it? That time I thought you still looked too pretty no matter what style you wear that I wasn’t able to control myself, and so I mouthed to you how pretty I thought you are. You spun around and at first I thought you didn’t understand what I said, but when I saw you hurrying away like an idiot I realized that maybe you were just trying to get away because you were embarrassed. You were a very shy person after all. I know how you have no confidence with yourself, and much more with how you look. So, I was glad I actually said that to you. Because maybe, I thought that if it came from the almighty Kai you would actually believe me.

When I and my friends crashed into your house, honestly it was one of the happiest days for me. You remembered where my slippers were, I learned that you can cook and I was so glad to watch you do it. At the end of the day, you forgave my friends who did you wrong. At that time I really admired you for not holding grudges. Tao and Chanyeol had matching black eyes then because Kyungsoo had beaten them up and that was why they were forced to admit their faults to you, by the way. But the thing I loved the most that happened that day was when you hugged me. It was the first time you initiated it and I was really happy that my bad mood changed instantly. Did you know that you were like my lucky charm since then?

In the bubble tea shop, the second time I saw you with Luhan, did you know that the reason why I left was because I was so jealous that he knows you better than me? He knows you and even gave you a gift for your birthday. I was so in love with you and yet I didn’t even know when the day you were born was. So, when I got home I was determined to give you a gift. My mother’s necklace came to my mind. She said it was very special to her, and it was definitely the most valuable thing to me, that I decided it was the best gift I could ever give to you. I brought you to that special place I always go to and it actually made me happy to see you smile because of what I did. When you worried about me for being cold and squished my face with both your hands I felt so happy but I chose to hold myself together and forced a scowl. I greeted you a happy birthday then and finally