A week later, who knew I would be feeling better than the past days I’ve had? The talk Sehun gave me really helped me into coming back to my senses, and his constant reminders over the phone made me realize how life was a tad bit better with slowly forgiving yourself and remaining positive.

For a couple of days, I had succeeded talking about Jongin to anyone without feeling bad for him or for myself. It was a hard task but as long as I focus about my feelings for him and not the things I did, I would be fine. I have not heard much about him from Sehun because I asked him not to. I’d rather not know so much than miss him even more. But I was glad to know that after that Saturday I came to see him and bawled my eyes out until I couldn’t cry anymore, that he stopped from clubbing and doing other reckless things. For whatever reason that he stopped, neither Sehun nor I knew. We’ve come up with hypothetical what ifs but nothing made sense so we just let it be the way it is.

“Good morning Ms. Lee, is there anything for me?” I asked the dorm manager, which I finally learned her name as Lee Gaeun the other day, as I stood before the front desk.

Her eyes brightened when she recognized me, and clicked her tongue. “Ah! Nana-ssi! I told you to just drop the honorifics. Call me Gaeun! It’s fine.”

“Ah ne, Gaeun-ssi.” I shyly responded as I bowed in apology.

“Well, you have 2 today.”  She broke out as she pulled out one bouquet with lilacs and daisies, and another bouquet that made butterflies fill my insides—all because it was a bouquet of forget-me-nots. She placed it in front of me but I didn’t pick up any and just stared back at her with quivering eyes.

“Is there any problem?” She asked inquisitively, making me snap out of my daze.

“Oh…well, just… do you perhaps know who sent this bouquet?” I pointed at the bunch of forget-me-nots.

She tilted the bouquet of forget-me-nots as she searched for any greeting card but seeing that there was none she sighed deeply and apologetically looked back at me, “I’m sorry but just like the other bouquet, when I came here this morning it’s already here. And I just assumed that it’s yours since you’re the only girl in the dorm who receives gifts this way. Do you not know who it’s from or who it’s for?”

Who it’s from? Who it’s for?

Not one idea who in this school knows that my declared favorite flowers are Forget-me-nots though. I inwardly sighed thinking how it’s such a waste to leave the bouquet in her hands when I feel like it was really meant for me. But what proof do I give her so she’d just give me the flowers even if it’s possibly not mine in the end? I racked my brain for wise answers but I would just always get diverted to my hypothetical what ifs again. What if the flowers came from—no, Nana! Don’t overthink about it so much! He doesn’t even know where you are! You don’t even know whether he even wants to see you! So don’t bring your hopes up! This is just probably a one-time thing from someone who had sense. Oh well, I sound pretty desperate to get these flowers no?

“Well I think…I-I know who it’s from.” I tried to lie, though I feel like I sounded unconvincing. I just need the flowers damn bad. Can I just commit this crime for once?

Gaeun’s eyes brightened at what she heard, and she clasped her hand over just to muffle her giddy squeal. Look whose more carried away than me. “Ommo! Is it from your special someone?!” She asked excitedly.

I averted my eyes, knowing that I’d feel easily guilty for lying to her if I meet her gaze, and scratched my temple anxiously, “S-special someone?... well I-I guess it’s something like that.” I told her and smiled sheepishly at the thought of a special someone really sending it for me.

She let out another giddy squeal that somehow caught the attention of my passing dorm mates. “You’re so lucky! This person must like you a lot.” I just grinned in appreciation of what she said and attempted to get away by cradling the bouquet of forget-me-nots in my arms and getting out of her sight.

But Gaeun only called for me again as I was about to go back to my room, and I was forced to turn around to face her with a smile as I couldn’t get myself to hate our dorm manager who had been snooping around my love life since the very first day she became my instant messenger. She pointed at the thing I left on her desk, and I felt my cheeks burn crimson from the sudden surge of embarrassment I got for forgetting the other bouquet all because of the excitement I got with the one I was holding.

“Oh… thanks Gaeun-ssi.” I told her with a soft voice as I cautiously collected the bouquet of lilacs and daisies. I bowed gratefully to her before making my way back to my room with my head ducked down.

I was feeling so embarrassed for myself for acting as such a giddy teenager who got her crush to smile for her for the first time when I received a bunch of my favorite flowers successfully, that I became too conscious of my surroundings—and even if I know the girls in the dorm had long gotten used to the sight of me walking with stuff in hand, I still refused to meet their gazes out of wits.

Entering my personal confines in the second floor, I hurried to my altar of vases and flowers, and excitedly removed the withered flowers from one of the containers, changed the water inside it, and arranged the forget-me-nots carefully in the vase to make it look presentable. I did the same for the other bouquet, just that I didn’t put much effort into making it look perfect so my babies would stand out among all the flowers in my growing flower shop. I took a few steps back and marveled my work, satisfied to see the striking blue colors of my forget-me-nots slay the others.

“It’s good to see something that reminds me of you.” I muttered out as I stared longer at the piece of blues in front of me.

Feeling my heart beat faster, for some reason I felt scared even if I love the feeling of receiving such things give me. All those gifts made me feel loved—better than ever. It made me realize that I am also a person that can also be loved by many. It made me feel less insecure. It made me question myself less what I lacked and what should I do to get people to accept me. In truth, I never lived my life to please anyone, but after meeting Jongin I found myself suddenly willing to please him. Not because I was desperate for his love, but because I know he deserves something in return even if he’s not the type to ask for it. I learned the art of pleasing someone through him, and with that I just had those thoughts randomly running in my mind. Everything is just all about him that sometimes I just find myself act around others as if I was talking to him. Those mental images of him I see briefly, created an illusion to satisfy my mind. And that’s why after those moments I would often nag at myself for temporarily losing myself to my feelings.

Bringing too much hope is not a good thing, I do realize that. That’s why at times like this, I would remind myself to stop from dreaming. Have a break. Because the future is still unsure. Whether I would get back with Jongin in time wouldn’t be defined by vague signs so I shouldn’t rely on those at all. Instead, I should count on my own will.

Yet… you know what’s frustrating about being me?

… It’s when I finally got my senses back and yet the next day there’s this flower delivery service by my dorm manager, and I’d feel excited by the simple fact that another batch of forget-me-nots were sent, this time with a greeting card that spells my name, “Nana”.

This time it’s not just a guessed coincidence that I received those flowers from whoever it was, and I’m not lying for it to Gaeun-ssi!

“Damn, your admirers sure are sweet, I must admit!” Hani cried as she pulled a stalk of forget-me-not from my bouquet without permission. I almost killed her with her eyes for doing that, but I just decided to be rational and not let the little deed get to me.

“Now, I’m rather getting curious as to whom those flowers even came from.” She commented as she played with the stalk in her hand while twirling in the hallways as we trudge going back to my room.

I opened the door to my room, and immediately as we got in, my friends’ voices invaded my ears. Apparently, they decided to barge in my room today, as it was a ritual they’ve been used to and I got accustomed to after staying here for about two weeks now. They were sprawled on the floor, some snoring off to dreamland, some playing with the game console Luhan brought from his own room. Hani ran next to Yixing who was playing with Minseok a game flashing on my flat screen tv that I wasn’t near to being familiar with. She got easily preoccupied by saying profanities over Yixing who was losing to Minseok by a point, while Kris was just casually doting on Minseok next to him. With all that happening, I was not surprised to spot Luhan, the host of this event, dozing off in my bed like he was the master of this room.

I placed the flowers on the vases like usual, and sauntered towards the bed in no time to scold Luhan for being such a lazy so early in the morning. I sat next to him and slapped his shoulder a couple of times but he only stirred in his sleep and shifted to his side to ignore me.

“Yah! Luhan!” I chided as I slapped his arm for another time in annoyance. But he didn’t budge at all.

I was left with nothing but do the thing that I know will make him wake up, so I just indulged myself to shake his shoulders and leaned down closer to his ear to whisper something he wouldn’t be able to refuse from.

“Wake up and I’ll buy you bubble tea today.”

In an instant, from hearing ‘bubble tea’, Luhan’s eye’s flickered like a lightbulb and he bolted up and grinned at me without any trace of sleepiness on his face at all. “You’re getting it alone with me, right?” He beamed.

Knowing him, I just nodded and offered a small smile. “Only if you tell me what happened to your appointment yesterday.” I challenged him, but the smile that never left his lips as I said that made me realize that I had lost in my own proposition to him already. He must have received some kind of good news that he’s not going to finally hide it from me.

“Alright,” I sighed in defeat, “I get it. Now, can you help me kick them out so I can do my preparations and finally get out with you?” I asked him with a mocking grin on my lips as I pointed to the bunch of bored teenagers in my living room.

He nodded sheepishly and hurried towards our friends who he hauled out of my room with all his might successfully. “I’ll see you at 10 at the gates, alright?” Luhan told me excitedly before he bid his goodbye and closed my door, leaving me on my own.

I lay back on bed, arms spread, as I stared at my ceiling tiredly. I’ve been here for quite a long time now, but the eerie silence when I’m alone is something I wanted all the time, yet something I’ve never gotten used to. It’s just that, I was used to Tao bugging me through texts, I was used to spending wee