Am I dead?

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t feel any pain. Is it normal? Maybe because I’m dead so I can’t feel anything? They say dead people are normally as cold as ice.

 

 

 

 

But I felt surprisingly warm.

 

 

 

Was it because of the surrounding? It was really bright though. I couldn’t even open my eyes as the light was blinding me.

 

 

 

 

 

Am I in heaven?

 

 

 

 

 

I remember watching a cartoon called Tom & Jerry when I was young back then. Tom would take a really long escalator and meet St Peter at the main gate of heaven.

 

 

 

 

Maybe I’m there right now? But why can’t I open my eyes?

 

 

 

My body goes rigid when I felt someone my hair.

 

 

 

God? Is that you?

 

 

 

I knew why I was feeling so warm right now. I was in someone’s embraced.

 

Open your eyes, Mia. Open them right now.

 

It felt like the person holding me read my mind, he my eyelid.

 

I was feeling so tired. Maybe it’s because my soul is leaving me right now?

 

I unconsciously snuggled closer to that person, the heat coming from the person’s body felt so relaxing.

 

 

 

“God…Am I dead?”

 

 

There wasn’t any reply, just a caress on my cheek.

 

 

Suddenly I remember Mrs. Kim telling me that people die from suicide will not go to heaven as he had committed the greatest sin in life.

 

 

“Am I in hell?”

 

 

 

I don’t even know who I am talking to. But the person had no interest in replying me.

 

 

So I kept on talking.

 

 

“Well, since I’m dead, I bet that everyone’s happy and relieve right now. Right?”

The person patted my cheek.

 

 

“Are you agreeing with me?” I asked. He my hair once again and pulled my head until I was leaning on something. I’m guessing it was the person’s shoulder.

 

 

 

“You know, I don’t even know what I am feeling right now. Do you want to know why I jump off the roof?”

 

 

 

Silence.

 

 

“Well, I just feel like it.”

 

 

I laughed at myself. That was obviously not the main reason.

 

“Shall I tell you a secret?” I asked, hoping the person would be interested. But again, I did not get a reply.

 

 

“I’ll tell you anyways.” I said.

 

 

“After my mother died, there were times when I wanted to end my life too. I don’t know why, but I thought that maybe if I die, I can meet her in heaven.”

“My father re-married. And I wasn’t happy. Not even a bit. My step mother hates me. I was molested by my step brother. And then he ra-….erm….never mind about that. I don’t have friends because I don’t socialize well with others. I just shun myself out from everyone.”

 

 

I pouted my lips and sigh.

 

 

“So yeah, I don’t regret jumping off the roof.”

 

 

I paused when I felt tears flowing down my cheek. The person swaps it away with his hand.

 

 

“Okay. I lied. I regretted one thing.” I admit.

 

 

 

“Jin Young. Jin Young oppa. I haven’t told him something.”

 

 

 

 

I felt something dripping on my cheek and it wasn’t from my eyes.

 

 

 

“Aww, don’t cry for me.” I said to him. “It’s not worth it.”

 

 

The person cradles my face in between his palms. His gestures were as if he was asking me what it is.

 

 

“I wanted to…oh I don’t think you know who he is. Jin Young oppa is my boyfriend.” I smiled. “Was.” I added. “Okay, I don’t know. Since I’m dead he’s free to date anyone now, right?”

 

 

 

His rub the apple of my cheek with his thumbs. Was he agreeing or just comforting me?

 

 

 

“In case you’re wondering, he’s a very good boyfriend.” I continued. “It was really funny how he asked for my phone number after knowing each other for only a few hours. I don’t even know why I gave him. Slowly, I find myself feeling attached to him. And before I knew it, I fell for him.”

 

 

I paused for a while. “Yeah I know. It sounds so cheesy right? Just like those typical drama you watched on TV.” I smiled.

 

 

“Jin Young oppa is kind, gentle, patient, caring, sweet, and protective. Anything, just name it. OH, of course, he’s also good looking. Maybe that’s why I gave him my phone number.”

 

 

I found myself giggling at that statement. I feel so childish right now.

 

The giggling soon died off when I felt empty all of a sudden.

 

“We never fought. Maybe once or twice, but it’s all cool after that.” I said. “You know, I’m missing his hugs now.”

 

 

The person wrapped his arms around me tightly as if I would disappear any moment.

 

I tried opening my eyes again, but no matter how hard I’ve tried, I couldn’t.

 

 

“Why can’t I open my eyes?” I asked. As usual, there wasn’t any reply.

 

 

Giving up on that, I snuggled closer to the person.

 

 

I sighed. “So warm… Just like oppa….”

 

I felt a lump in my throat when those words came out from my mouth.

 

 

“I miss oppa. I miss him so much.” I confessed. “I regretted jumping off the roof now.”

 

 

“But oppa stop coming to see me. Do you want to know why?” I merely whispered. “I bet he is disgusted with me right now. I bet he couldn’t look at me without thinking how dirty I am right now.”

 

 

I choked on my own saliva as I speak.

 

 

“This is why I never told him. This is why I never told anyone. I knew they would leave me once they found out the truth. And yes, they did.”

 

 

My tears had flow down into the corner of my lip as I tasted something salty.

 

 

“I want to see him. Just once, is it alright?”

 

 

 

Obviously I couldn’t. Why did I even ask such a question?

 

 

 

 

“Can I at least see my mom? It would be nice to see her. I miss her too.”

 

 

I chuckled to myself when I realized I was talking nonsense.

 

 

“Ah, of course I couldn’t meet her. I killed her. She probably doesn’t want to see me. Come to think of it, this may be my punishment for killing her.”

 

 

The person patted my back soothingly.

 

 

“Who are you?” I asked. I was really curious. “Are you really god? Am I really dead?”

 

 

The person caress my hair again and then my cheek.

 

 

This time I finally let out all my emotions that were building up in me. I cried, so damn hard.

 

 

“Can you do me a favour?” I asked between my cries.

 

 

“Oppa has been so nice to me. He’s been taking care of me and showering me with love that I couldn’t even give him. It never really hit me until now. I felt so guilty. I couldn’t give him anything. I couldn’t even tell him those words that he’s been dying to hear.”

 

 

“I-if you are really god, can y-you at least h-help me? This is m-my last wish. I will go to h-hell if you want me too. I will r-repay all t-the sins I have done. B-but please, at least g-grant me my last w-wish?”

 

 

 

Damn the hiccups. Let me speak properly for the last time.

 

 

The person clutches the back of my head so tightly that I thought he was going to kill me.

 

 

“Tell him….” I breathe. “Tell him that I love him, more than anything. Tell him that he meant so much to me that I couldn’t live without him. Tell him that I’m happy that he would love a person like me. Tell him…..I will love him forever, and always.”

 

 

 

 

I finally said it. But, it wasn’t directly to Jin Young.

 

 

 

Dammit.

 

 

I cried my lungs out, soaking the person’s shirt with my tears. I’ve never felt so wounded in my life before.

 

 

 

 

Love hurts. It is a fact. And it’s proven.

 

 

 

“Tell him…. tell him to be happy and forget about me.” I managed to choke out the last sentences.

 

 

I was expecting to die right now. Yes, I’m going to be punished for the sins I have committed.

 

 

 

 

 

But what the person did surprise me.

 

 

 

 

The person kissed me.

 

 

 

 

 

On my lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanted to pushed him away or maybe slap him for doing such things. But then I realized those soft lips were familiar.

 

 

 

The kiss wasn’t forceful and I found myself craving for more.

 

 

 

 

There is only one person in this world that can make me tremble with such feeling with only one peck on my lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jung Jin Young……

 

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URGH what did I just wrote.... I even tear up while writing. Pardon the sentimetal me hehe...

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