I’m in Suju’s toilet about to go on in the shower. I stare at myself in the mirror; my eyes are puffy from all the crying. My neck, and chest have purple marks on it. I scratch it, hoping they’d disappear, I fall on to the ground sitting there as I prayed helplessly that Nat was just a dream. That it all never happened.

I scrubbed myself a lot, hoping to wash off everything. I feel so…tainted. I washed myself over and over again that I lost count.

-knock knock-

I jumped holding myself…”y.yes?” I stuttered.

“Are you alright?” It was Heenim, I must have been in here for ages.

“Yeah, I’m nearly done” I replied as I rinsed the remaining soap off me before turning the shower off.

I wiped myself dry, and looked at myself in the mirror again, my skin was really pink, and the hickeys were red from all the scratching.

When I close my eyes, I can still remember him, holding me down…how helpless I felt.

I put my underwear on, and Heenim’s jumper, I threw my shirt away. That shirt was ripped and held horrible memories.

I took one last look at the mirror as I rubbed my hair with my towel. You can see some hickeys on my neck, the jumper didn’t cover it.

I grabbed the jumper holding it higher and walked out. Heenim saw me and wrapped a scarf around my neck before entering the toilet. Did he see my hickeys?

“Pss pss” Eunhyuk gestured me to gather with all the other members.

I walked over and Leeteuk patted the empty space on the couch. I sat down awkwardly as the members huddled around me.

“So how far did you two go last night?” Kangin asked. I avoided his eye contact but all the other members were staring at me as well.

“We didn’t do anything” I denied.

“We’re not stupid” Ryeowook retorted.

“I’m serious nothing happened!” I sighed, WHY WON’T THEY BELIEVE ME!!!!

“Then how do you explain you being in the same bed as him, and also wearing his jumper, and NO pants on?” Shindong said emphasizing on the ‘no’

“My clothes were dirty and ripped so he lent me his jumper, his PANTS were too big for me and because I didn’t want to sleep alone” I’m getting annoyed.

They looked away, thinking really hard on my answer and slowly nodding.

“But you would have done more than just sleeping right?” Eunhyuk questioned with his gummy smile.

“We honestly didn’t do anything” I wailed.

“Not even make out?” Kyuhyun pointed out.

“We haven’t even kissed” I shook my head.

They all looked at me with their mouths open. Then someone picked me up from behind as I gasped. I turned and looked at Heechul as he carried me back to his room and locking his door.

“So annoying” he complained as he placed me gently on the bed.

I love how gentle he treats me. I smiled at him and he slowly reaches for his scarf. He gently pulls it off me as I feel the scarf slide on my neck. Then he puts it down next to me and just stares at my neck. I quickly cover the hickeys with my hand and looked down. Please, just stop looking at me…