I don't understand it myself, but I really, really love your title. It fits so perfectly with the story and it has such an alluring tone to it, as if it's pulling me into the Underworld along with it. Honestly, brilliant choice of words as well, because after all, they are travelling to the underworld.For some reason though, there's a sort of cheerful sound that comes with it. I can't explain it, but it sounds like someone saying, I dunno, "To the Batmobile!" or something. Ok, that was a really bad analogy, but do you know what I'm saying? Maybe not, I don't think I do either. It sounded so much better in my head. 

Anyway, the title is simple and matches your story perfectly. And it's also catchy, which is great because it's the kind of title that would make me want to click on and read the story further. 

I always like to do review the foreword and description before I read the rest of the story because it is the first thing you see before you start reading on. I like to see if I'd be interested in reading the rest just by seeing your description. Now, your description is sort of like a advertisement in a newspaper that's meant to persuade the readers to delve further in (again, bad analogy), and find out for themselves if what they're putting their attention into is really worth it. 

Now, I thought your description was really good. It isn't the most eyecatching, but if I was to come across it on the baekyeol tag (which I'm on frequently) I would definitely read it more. I like how it is basically an outline of the story. It is exactly what a description or a blurb, is supposed to be. It's short, not overly descriptive and gives the readers and idea of what they're going into.I also love how you were able to establish the genre through your description as well. You managed to illustrate the tragedy, the romance as well as add an element of fantasy to it. It sounds like the startings of a weird, twisted love triangle which are always fun to read about you know!

In order to give your description a final score, I come back to after I read the story as well, to see if it really does tie up with the rest of it. I gave you an 8 out of 10 because I thought this really was a good description and it fit quite well with the idea. In terms of relating to the rest of the story, this is where you lost points. There were themes expressed initially that I found quite lacking in the actual story, and some of the points were a bit misleading. We will cover this in the rest of the review. 

But I couldn't take off too many points because this is a good description. It's concise and direct, and didn't have many grammatical errors.

In terms of the uniqueness of your storyline, I can honestly say I've never come across a fanfiction with the same idea. Note, I said fanfiction, because of course we have Percy Jackson revolving around the same theme. It's all about Greek Gods and all that jazz (you've probably read it? Or maybe you're just interested in Greek mythology? I don't know). I have been in this fanfiction business for quite a while now (puts sunglasses on squavely) and I don't think anyone has been brave enough to write a spinoff(?)/au of the underworld. So you've definitely got a high mark here!

And this is where you've lost marks. I am so sorry to say, but you're characters were really, incredibly flat. You can have the most dull plot and the most cliche storyline but with your characters, you can bring the whole thing to life. Now in your case, you have a brilliant idea for a plot, and so much to work with. Yet you're characters are so dull, and unrealistic that the story immediately becomes lacklustre. Your characters make your story, and it's important for them to be able to touch the reader a certain way and make us go through a rollercoaster of emotions for them. I don't know how other way to explain it to you other than to analyse each character. So, let's do just that!

Baekhyun: He is your main character, yet most of the time I felt like he was just a minor, because of the way he was written. He claims to feel all these emotions; loss, anger, regret... But I didn't feel it. It didn't touch me. It was like he was telling me that's how he felt but that's all it was. A robotic voice narrating an action that had no purpose or life to it. It was like seeing something and not understanding what was going on. I should be able to see Baekhyun in black and white, without any dialogue, and still understand his motivations. At the start he says he loves Kyungsoo; and yet the very next day he's in love with Chanyeol. 

There is something very, very wrong with that picture. Kyungsoo just died. The love of his life was ripped from him and he falls in love with another? That doesn't make me feel anything except contempt towards his actions. Grieving is a long process. It takes time to feel anything other than the numb, gutting feeling of loss and even after that it takes a long time for a person to be able to open up their hearts again. There are at least seven stages of grief that one has to go through to be able to go out and drink, let alone fall in love with another person. If you've watched the movie "P.S. I Love You", you'll know that Hilary Swank's character didn't leave the house for months after her husband died.

I just think all his actions were rushed. The whole story basically took place within two days to my understanding and honestly no one can do so much in that much time. I mean, I take at least 4 days to get out of bed (not really). I think there was so much space for his character to develop and for you to dig deeper into Baekhyun's underlying emotions. I want to know why he let go of Kyungsoo so easily. Why didn't he even call an ambulance? Why did he go to that bar? Didn't Kyungsoo have a funeral? Why did he trust Chanyeol so easily? I also don't understand why Baekhyun went on an insulting rampage at the bartender and the three 'fates'. Like, why? I understand he was drunk, but I'd have expected him to react a bit more believably than that. I just, I don't understand why he did any of the things he did.

Chanyeol: Now he was a much better character than Baekhyun. I think that's because he had a history. There was time for him and he had a reason to be in love with Baekhyun. I totally understood him wanting to sacrifise his life for Baekhyun's needs. It's because, like he said, assigned to Baekhyun since his birth. He had a larger timeframe which enabled his reasons and motivations to be valid. But like Baekhyun he too was a bland character. I've used this hopeless comparison a billion times already but it really is like 2 minute noodles without the seasoning. For starters, let's look at the way he's described. 

You said, "tall and lanky" , "open wider when displaying an emotion" and "fell down in soft brown curls". Then you went on to compare him to a poodle yet couldn't place why. I understand that not every writer has the power of description, but in order to paint a paint a memorable picture in the reader's mind you could have shown rather than said. For instance (I'm about to make this up at the top of my head so excuse me if it's bad) you could have said that, The stranger's long limbs were displayed when he bounded up to Baekhyun, soft brown curls bouncing around excited eyes or something like that. That gives more character to your character, you feel?

I also cannot fathom why he kissed Baekhyun. Ok, he was in love with him and all that but that was a bit cruel on his part wasn't it? He wanted to Baekhyun to feel something before he left, to remember him. Except it totally wasn't the whole Anterograde Tomorrow kind of remembering. It was like he wanted Baekhyun to suffer with him. I couldn't understand that because he's supposed to love him unconditionally. And he had just created a condition by initiating that kiss.

The ' tease' scene was unnecesary too. It was really well written unfortunately, but it didn't fit in with the given timeframe and the setting of the scene. I for one, do not want to have in hell, lol. But yea, you my friend, are a good almost- writer ;)

Kyungsoo: I felt that he was probably the most believably character, and the reason as to why is really quite terrible. It's because he hardly had any face time in the story. I feel horrible for saying it, but I could totally feel his confusion because I was confused myself most of the time. I didn't understand why Baekhyun was spacing out, why he wanted the child to be called Chanyeol, his vague answers or any of that. I think the character of Kyungsoo just reflected me as the reader. I was perpetually confused. 

Hades and Persephone: Again I am so sorry to say, but totally unrealistic gods of the underworld. I didn't get why Hades was so understanding of Chanyeol's situation, I don't understand what could have happened to him to be able to sympathise when he in fact had kidnapped someone in order for them to be his wife. I just, I couldn't. Also, Baekhyun had it right. Why was Persephone so cheerful? I almost expected her to lash out and create a hella plot twist somewhere but I was disappointed with her. I thought she might at least do something. But she was like a shadow. Just a presence that had no purpose. She was meant to at least show Hades' cruelty even, but nothing of that sort happened and I was just left hanging. 

*I really hate giving people low scores because I know a story is someone's precious baby. I'm so sorry but this is definitely something you need to improve on. And everyone, even an established writer like J.K. Rowling, can make room for improvement. (Ok, maybe not Rowling cos she's a Goddess but you know what I'm saying...)

I feel like I'm getting a lot of story requests with like 0 spelling mistakes. Or maybe I just can't spell for , lol. But wow! I didn't come across any spelling errors whatsoever. There weren't too many grammatical errors either, which is great. I know for one, I always spot a lot of errors in my work when I proofread so a massive thumbs up to you! In terms of letter sizing, spacing, colour and format; it was all good. It was a simple layout, nothing which hurt my eyes terribly and I found it easy to read. 

There is some good and some bad. Let's split this up! 

The good: There is some serious potential for a great story to unravel here. Your idea is great, brilliant even. There was a substantial number of plot twists and action. Unfortunately, the bad outdoes the good once again.

The bad: I will repeat myself again. There is some serious potential for a great story to unravel here. You could have brought your idea to life if you had given the story more time to develop into those plot twists and mysterious action scenes. I know the story is a two shot, but let's take a look at another example of a brilliant two shot that evolved. 'Absolute Chanyeol' was just a two shot, the same as yours. Different, big ideas and plot twists. The difference was that the authour of AC developed her ideas whereas you just stated yours. I wouldn't normally compare two stories, especially because AC is in everyone's hall of fame I'm sure, but the reason I'm doing so is because your story had the potential to be just as good as that one. I was left angered by the end of the story because I knew what you were trying to convey, but it wasn't executed right. You have such a brilliant mind, and with a little more planning, I think you could have enhanced this into one of those stories everyone will tell even their non-kpop loving friends about.

This is another thing that I was left angry about. You didn't give enough space and time for the plot and the characters to develop. I mean, the story itself happened in two days, and it's a romance/fantasy type story. Reading your description, I was mislead into thinking it was to be a massive adventure where feelings were explored and hearts were torn. I was actually ready with a box of tissues on standby, but the pace of the story just really didn't work with me. I think this was the criterion that brought down every other mark. If you had given more space and time to your characters and your plot, I think your simple writing style would have definitely been able to win my heart over. But it was too rushed, and too fast-paced for my liking.

Another thing about your paragraph structure. The placing of your sentences were a bit awkward. For example you wrote:

‘Babe?’ Kyungsoo’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. ‘Hmm?’ he replied. ‘I asked something,’ said Kyungsoo. ‘I didn’t hear it. What did you say?’ asked Baekhyun. Kyungsoo sighed, ‘I asked where you saw this name.’ Baekhyun smiled sadly, ‘In the stars.'

The correct way of writing this would be:

"Babe?" Kyungsoo's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Hmm?" he replied.
"I asked something," said Kyungsoo.
"I didn't hear it. What did you say?" asked Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo sighed, "I asked where you saw this name."
Baekhyun smiled sadely.
"In the stars."

Make sure you break the sentences up into new lines because it is a dialogue and the person speaking needs to be differentiated with the person listening. Also, make sure you use quotation marks (") for dialogue because it get's confusing when you use apostrophes ('). 

I am really sad to say that I didn't enjoy this story as much as I anticipated. It was simply due to the general pace of the story. It was so rushed and I literally finished reading it in less than half an hour and I was left with an empty feeling afterwards. I'm literally kicking myself because this story has so much potential. It is such a great, heartfelt idea that could be progress into a beautiful story.

It's not too late to edit this though. I think what your missing is a second opinion or a beta-reader to review your work before you post it up. Someone who can help you develop the ideas with you. I work at a beta shop myself (check it out here. Hehe, shameless self-promoing) and request for one. I seriously think this story can be so much better and we can help you do that. 

I feel so terrible right now. I am so unbelievably sorry for the extreme delay! Like I said in the other review I posted earlier today, I have had the craziest month ever. I had assignments, exams, musical, no internet, been going in and out of hospital, and moved houses! Right now I'm on my mother's phone (using her internet this time, not my brother's lol) and this took forever to retype and link and bold and underline but I have selective OCD so...

Also, I wrote this like ages ago so it's according to the old rubric but I have awarded 4+ bonus points. 1+ of the 4+ for my initial high expectation (which will only be shattered if we don't edit your story. You can even come to me but I might not be free for a while. Again, ugh) and another 2+ for that crazy as hella awesome poster. I love Selcouth, they really do epic . 1+ bonus point for that one pun Baekhyun used. I'm pretty sure it was unintentional, but he exclaimed "what the hell" in hell and I thought that was funny. So yea, 4+ extra ^^ 

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