I love this title because it has so much potential for numerous different plots. It captures my attention automatically especially since I’m a big fan of romance. So with this thought in mind I set out to read your description but I was then disappointed. While I had expected the title to have some sort of deep hidden meaning rather the meaning was quite literal; there was literally going to be another heart involved. However, there is nothing wrong with having a literal title, some people prefer it that way, it is just not desirable in my personal opinion.

First sentence is great! Props to you for creating questions. After reading the first sentence I’m sitting here going oh my god, what’s wrong with Suho? But, I’m also left hungrily waiting for the next few sentences to tell me more about this killer hook. The problem is the next few paragraphs don’t achieve that and that killer intrigue I received from the very first sentence disappears slightly.

The second paragraph / blob is what bothers me most of all. Before reading the story I find it fine, a nice little tidbit about Suho and Siwon that tells me their relationship as well as revealing the death of their parents; and even though it didn’t connect with the rest of the description it was still nice to know. What bothered me about it is the fact that it has no significance to the story. After having finished reading I’m left thinking why include this second paragraph when the story has basically nothing to do with Siwon and Suho trying to deal with the effort to live after the death of their parents? The only scene that has anything to do with this is the part about Suho and his mom having the same laugh. I simply don’t think it’s worth putting in the description, perhaps something about Siwon and Suho’s relationship would be more suitable. On the third part, it’s a great thing to put in a description if your story went into it. But after reading the story I don’t receive any of hint of Suho knowing he’s going to die any second and thus trying to make the best of what he has. It is true that Suho is aware of his condition but at least based on the words of your story there is no reason for me to assume that because of it he started to appreciate everything around him. Rather it seems more to me as though Suho is always appreciative.

Last sentence is well done and I would applaud it in a different context. But (god, I sorry for using so many buts) the two excerpts before it do not connect with it at all. This type of sentence would best come after a short description of something like how Suho needs another heart or the challenges he may face (ex: He’ll live if a donor can be found, a hospital paid for, a surgery done. But the chances are grim especially as the little money they have left falls through the cracks in their fingers.)

While it didn’t really affect my interest in your story I really, really like forewords. They are the real enticers in fanfictions and I like them best with cliffhangers and suspense. Just a thought that you might want to consider ^___^

It is not uncommon to find a fanfiction that deals with some sort of disease in the main character; heart disease is one of the more common types. However, I gave you high points on this because very rarely do I come across fanfictions that intermix groups. And even rarer are fanfictions that deal in the category of brotherly love rather than romantic love. Both of these aspects were refreshing to read and you did well portraying them so props to you.

Leeteuk’s characterization is I think the highlight of this story. He is the character whose views change and actions change with the progression of the story. While his development isn’t done flawlessly I believe it does add interest to the content which should always be something you strive for. The reason I say his development isn’t flawless is based on the fact that his change in opinion came too suddenly. It was like BAM, in the face, moving on now. In the future in highlights like this it may be better to spend a few more sentences describing his thoughts and motives behind the change in opinion. It suffices to say that Leeteuk decided to help because Suho helped Kyuhyun raise his grades but it isn’t satisfactory. You could elaborate more on why Kyuhyun raising his grades is so important to Leeteuk for example. That would help to make the story have deeper meaning and help readers connect more to your characters.

Secondly I want to talk to you about Suho’s character. He reminds me of an eight year old boy. I don’t know if that was the feel you were aiming for but I feel like it probably wasn’t. I get that you are trying to make Suho seem innocent, sweet, good-natured but too much of these good qualities makes a person seem unrealistic and makes it difficult for readers to connect with them. But that is not the whole to my opinion. I am actually really indecisive about how I feel about the way you write Suho because while through the majority of the story I’m thinking about how fake he is at the conclusion it is this same innocence that causes my heart to clench and blows me away. I’ll talk about this more on the plot section.

Third, besides these two characters the rest of them seem especially flat. This is perfectly alright as most of the characters play supporting roles and should be flat to a certain degree as this is a two-shot but it really upset me that Siwon did not have more development. At times I really wanted to know about Siwon’s emotions, to hear his deep feelings for his brother. Knowing how much Siwon cared for Suho would have definitely highlighted the tension in the story for me and would have made me pain a lot more at the conclusion. Just something to consider for the future, if your goal is ever to make your readers cry in pain for your characters you need to write about their thoughts and emotions (it is a must).

I’m not a pick on grammar and spelling type of person. So since I did not get bothered by anything during the course of your story props to you and a high score. One thing that I did notice that did bother me is this: Suho suffers a heart failure disease. I am not going to claim to be a grammar expert, I am not, but this simply doesn’t sound right to me. I would phrase it more like Suho suffers from heart disease or Suho suffers a heart failure. There is something about the phrase heart failure disease that bothers me. I’m sure there is a more medically correct term for it, a bit of googling may help here. And just one more note, to my ears it sounds better with it instead of that in the last sentence of the description.

I want you to know that I am a really picky person when it comes to plotline. So the fact that you got an 18 from me is something to be proud of. Okay take a break from reading this and go grab something sweet to celebrate because you deserve it.

Did you congratulate yourself yet? Yes? Okay. So onto why I think you deserve such a high score on plot. The ending. The ending was so beautifully written that it pulled at my heart. Even though I had no attachment to the characters, even though I wasn’t that affected by Suho’s death, despite all that when Siwon was reading Suho’s diary I died a little on the inside. (Is it overly done? Yes, but you did it perfectly.) I died a little more when you talked about the little girl. (Once again, commonly seen but brilliantly used.) But finally what really captured me was this: Suho’s blood was still flowing in Kyuhyun’s body. This line killed me. Literally ripped my heart in half and left me thinking, you’re brilliant this is the perfect wrap. It tied the story perfectly together. And there is something magical and fantasy like about the remind that a part of Suho is still alive, it’s almost forbidden. If I had to choose my single most favorite sentence it would be that one. (I cannot tell you how strongly I believe in the fact that ending by tying it back to another event in the strong is a good choice and you did it fantastically!)

The reason I didn’t give you full marks is based on the fact that everything seemed to move too quickly. Siwon was over his sadness too quickly, Kyuhyun didn’t even seem fazed! More about this in flow and organization.

The first thing I noticed about this story was how choppy it was. The reason for this is due to the numerous time chops and the numerous switches in pov. I do not mind time chops and pov switches and am an avid believer that they can be a strong tool for adding to a story and showing emotions of numerous people and I applaud you for attempting multiple pov, it’s not easy to do. A way to avoid choppiness that I suggest to you in the future if you ever write a fiction featuring numerous pov changes within one chapter again is this: make each pov longer. If you’re only going to write one sentence in a certain person’s pov, restrain yourself, it’s probably not necessary to tell their pov and will only end up chopping up the story. Force yourself not to do it, ask yourself if it’s really needed.

The overall pace of the story is very well handled. Everything was connected in a tempo that clicked and held interest well. That is good. So basically the thing I would focus on is how to get your organization stronger. This also ties back into the difficulties of writing multiple povs. The organization gets messed up very carefully and while it may not seem confusing to you, to readers who aren’t as familiar with your story it can be difficult and even a burden to read. In most areas you were really good about making things clear but in certain spots your organization slipped. For example when we suddenly have a lot of new characters (the party scene) all the action seems hectic and a reader can quickly get lost in it all.

The last thing I can think of for you to work on is the time it takes for certain feelings to fade. If Kyuhyun and Siwon really loved Suho they would not have gotten over his death so quickly. Having them get over it so quickly lowers the effect of sadness you will succeed in inducing within readers. Add a little bit more angst before letting them off the hook. It takes a lot to get over the death of someone you loved and cared about so make it seem as such in your writing. Always use reality as a basis.

I really did enjoy reading this story, it was a refreshing change from the highly romance based I usually read and I appreciate the sweetness involved in the brotherly love and friendship between the characters. Furthermore I loved the mix of Super Junior and EXO together, two of my favorite groups in one.

This story is definitely a good read for someone who enjoys angst or sad stories (I do) as it succeeds in breaking down the reader’s heart. I think that with slightly stronger organization and flow I would definitely give this story a 20 in enjoyment. (But as I noted able, the organization and choppiness caused me to get distracted from the beauty of your story at certain points.)

A tip: if something isn’t important, cut it out. Sometimes concise is better than detailed. For example the part about Mrs. Lee being on the phone is something I wouldn’t include.

Another tip: don’t include something that entices the reader’s curiosity if you aren’t going to explain it later on. For example Siwon says that it’s because of Suho that he has not yet killed himself, and I’m here thinking, okay... whoa wait what?! I kept on waiting for you to tell me about how Suho saved Siwon from killing himself but that never happened. And now that I’m thinking about it if it was because of Suho that Siwon did not kill himself how come Siwon didn’t attempt suicide after Suho’s death?

Overall great job! I loved the fic and thoroughly enjoyed it, it was definitely worth the read. Thank you for requesting and I do hope you request with us again in the future. And I do apologize if I was overly critical, please don’t be discouraged. You wrote a great fic as I have already mentioned it just needs a few improvements in technique and it’d be perfect. Be proud of your work, because I am.

(By the way, did you write the sequel yet because I’d love to read it! Link me or comment or pm me? And if you’re wondering why I used this poster instead of the one on the foreword page it is because this one is much more beautiful to me. I think it suits your story much better than the one you have on the first page.)

Don't forget to credit back to our shop, link required! And drop a comment telling me what you thought about the review (I spend a lot of time making my reviews long and detailed so I'd appreciate it if you'd take a few moments of your time to tell me if you found it helpful or if it was meh.)