A/N: Not proof-read

Saturday

Dear Diary,

Summer is gone and the autumn is approaching. But is it really a change of weather?

Sure, a lot has changed in comparison to the last year.

The biggest change being umma not being by my side anymore.

However, I’m sure she still is with me. Maybe she’s even watching over me right now, smiling or frowning at whatever I’m writing down in this journal.

Weird, I have suddenly developed an interest in keeping a journal; jotting down whatever has happened around me, with me; in my day to day life.

Do you think it’s because I’m a bit lonely these days that I’ve started doing this subconsciously?

All I remember is sitting on my bed after returning back from the hospital one lonely evening and picking up an empty diary with a pen beside it from the study table. Before I could realize it, I was already writing down about how Dr. Kyuhyun had been ignoring me for that whole day.

Which also reminds me about his strange behaviour towards me these past a few days.

Now that I think of it, he has been very distant from me ever since that meeting he had been summoned to after our relationship status got out in news.

I have been scared to write down or even talk to anyone about this one huge insecurity I have unconsciously started feeling being built up within me after that meeting.

Is…is it really… okay to write it down? Why do I feel like if I do write it down, my insecurity will come true?

Can I really write it down though?

I really want to get this out of my system. Since even Hae isn’t spending much time with me recently, I really have no one I can talk to.

So I guess; this means; I can write it down here. After all, this book is called a journal for a reason, right?

Okay. So here it goes…

I think Dr. Kyuhyun has started to fall out of love with me.

There. I said it.

And don’t think it is just an insecure feeling. I have been noticing it for the past one week now. He really is getting distant from me; not giving me much attention or even giving me a mere glance filled with love or any other emotion. In fact, he isn’t so much as texting me anymore.

Do you know that my hand is trembling as I’m writing this down?

No. I’m not crying.

Maybe.

But really, I’m strong. Just as how umma always said.

Anyway, let’s change the topic. It’s not a day I should spend in thinking about things that’d hurt my heart.

So yeah, change of topic.

It is a beautiful Saturday morning, which means it is weekend. And I’ve been missing umma a lot recently because I don’t know why but Nari umma isn’t spending time with me either. She has been pretty busy these days with something related to some case she’s been working on to present and defend in the court. I didn’t even know she used to be a lawyer until a day before when she suddenly got hyper and excited on supposedly some news Ahra noona gave her on the phone. In her excitement, she started using a particular alien language which people claim to be the language of law but is alien to people like me nevertheless who have never heard of it.

This also makes me think of how fast Ahra noona has developed a relationship with Nari umma. And to think that they both met each other not too long ago.

When did they meet each other anyway?

Oh, I remember it now.

It was the day Dr. Kyuhyun and I were caught kissing in the elevator.

Dr. Kyuhyun…

Aish! Am I even allowed to write that in a journal?

But really, why do I always end up thinking about him? Just a few months back, I didn’t even know of his existence. And now, it is like my whole world revolves around him.

In the past, umma was my world, metaphorically. Everything I did was either because of or for umma.

Good thing I brought up umma’s name in the topic. Now I can revert back to what I was writing earlier about missing her.

So where was I? Let me go back to where I got distracted a bit.

Okay! I’m back.

So since it is a Saturday today, I decided to go and meet umma. Did I mention that I’m actually travelling in a bus to Busan as I’m writing this?

Busan is where umma is resting…

And I will not cry when I meet her for the first time after she left me.

I’m going to be strong. And I will then come back to write in here about how my meeting with her went all happy-go-lucky^^

Oh! My stop is here. See you later, dear diary.

………………………………………………………………….

No one’s POV

Several rapid heartbeats were reverberating within Sungmin’s ears as he stuffed the journal and the pen in his bag and approached the exit of the bus; ready yet petrified to take another step and leave the bus that had dropped him a few miles away from the cemetery.

This is it. He couldn’t help but think.

Short steps, trembling hands and the speedy and erratic thumping of his heart were all the proof of how nervous he was to finally meet his mother.

He stopped in his tracks as he reached the graveyard that was covered with slightly yellow grass that was once green when his mom was first put to rest there.

Removing the strap of his bag from around his shoulder, he dropped the object and timidly sat on the grass with wobbly legs. Raising his quavering right hand, he took his sweet time to finally touch the grave.

Dry.

“Umma, why is your grave so dry? Did you become sad as well about my loneliness recently?” he parted his lips and spoke; soon his dry lips to moisten them.

“I know you can’t answer my questions anymore. I’ll just talk though. I’ll be the only one to talk again. I talk to a dead object such as a diary. So it is no different if I talk to you while you rest in your grave.” he gave off a faint smile.

“Normally, I would have talked to you about how good my life is, how I’m being loved by everyone, how I don’t feel your absence in my life or how I truly missed you all this while. But you very well know how that is not the reason I actually finally found courage to visit you here today.” a deep silence then followed.

“I’m lonely.” he began.

“For a while, everything was going very well. I met Siwon and Donghae when you were around. They became my friends instantly. Everything was normal.” he paused.

“Then I met him…”

“Technically, I met him before I met Donghae and Siwon. But the impact with him wasn’t as strong on the first day as it became from the days followed after.” he lightly chuckled. “You already know about this. I had bugged you back then as well about the initial days of my internship. But,” another pause. But this time, it lasted for some while longer. “But,” taking a deep breath, “things really changed for good when you left me.” And this was the cue to his tears to fall of his eyes. Slowly… but definitely quite an amount.

“You left me a little too early. You know, I never wanted to celebrate your birthday just to cry the next day on you leaving me behind.” he started roaming the palm of his