I tried to open my eyes, yet I couldn’t. I tried to move my body, but I couldn’t. What was wrong with me?

It hurt to hear, and my body was so sore...

Was I dead?

No.. There were voices surrounding me. They weren’t the voices of heaven, they were the voices of doctors. I felt shaky and panicky, claustrophobic in my own body. I strained my ears, but just felt someone picking me up. I was placed into another van. Oh god no... Not another van... Please, no...

I was relieved when I found out it was probably an ambulance.

I could hear voices, crying.. Were they crying for me?

I just wanted to move and cheer up the unhappy person, because I hated seeing people in pain, even though that was almost contradicting; hypocritical.

I could feel myself passing in and out of consciousness, and how that was possible I didn’t know, but I could still remember everything.

I think I would’ve preferred losing my memory.

I woke up later on, and the smell confirmed it to be a hospital. I prayed in my head, and asked for their blessing. Whoever saved me, that is.

Doctors were trying to talk to me, and yet I couldn’t respond.

I felt them leave.

Was this going to be how it was?

For how long?

I’m lying here, unable to move. I feel helpless. The only thing I think I can do is to hear. If I want to cry, can I?

I’m glad I’m in the hospital, as opposed to my last few places.

I’m scared.

Who can I trust?

Will I ever be able to wake up again?

I can hear the door opening. It makes my mind tense up and curl; adding to the pain I feel already. I’ve been injected with something that should probably be making me sleep right now, but I can still hear everything crisp and clear. That pain is still intense with whatever they injected me with. But then again... Am I supposed to feel this pain?

I can feel them stare at me.

“T-This is where...” I hear from above. If my eyes could move, they’d be widening and I’d be jumping out of my bed to confirm the voice I just heard. Was that.. Youngbae? Is he really here? What is where? Is he talking about my chest? Does he know? What if-... They stripped me of my pride and left it by that tree. Could it be... He found it?

I just want to hold him and tell him I’m okay, I’m in a lot of pain and I’m not okay, but for him, I’m okay.

 “I’m sorry, Daesungie.” I hear, whispered right by my ear. Seungri? I thought he hated me. They all hate me! What are they doing?

I can feel chairs scraping, the thud of the two landing on them.

 I feel a hand grab my own. I want to see who it is, goddammit!  Why doesn’t my body respond? It’s warm and slightly calloused, but it’s soft and sweet and I hate being like this.

I can hear Youngbae speaking to me. He says my name.

“We found out the truth. We know what happened.” WHAT?! Oh god, he hates me. He hates me. My best friends hate me. I try and thrash my body around, but it’s not working and I’m lying here helplessly and my eyes are bleeding behind me and even though I couldn’t trust my voice, I just want to hug him so badly and apologise for everything, and-

“If you think we’re mad, trust me, we’re not.” He’s... Not mad? That’s a lie. Youngbae, that’s a lie and you know it. Lies are bad.

“We’re all so happy you’re okay.” I’m not okay.

“It must’ve been really hard to go through this by yourself...” It wasn’t hard, it was just sad. and sore. Excruciatingly painful. Terrifying.

“We’ll find a way to make it better again, okay?” Youngbae won’t stop acting like he was fine with what I had to do. I feel him pat my arm and I want to rip it off and yell into his face ‘why are you pretending like you care?’ and then go into the bathroom and spend the rest of the day crying, but I can’t do it.

“I didn’t mean to get angry”, a voice none other than Seungri’s begins to speak. I wonder if Seunghyun’s here? He probably isn’t. He definitely hates me.

“I was just confused on what you were doing.” I was trying to save Bigbang, and all of you guys. I failed miserably, though.

“Now that I realise why, and what you went through, I feel horrible.” No you don’t Seungri. I went through trying to save you guys. You all hate me now, but even so, I don’t regret it. You could ask how I’m feeling, and get out a thesaurus and point to all the words worse than ‘pain’ and I would nod, but I did it for you all. Maybe I just deserve it.

“I wish I could turn back time and stop myself from saying those things.” I wish I could turn back time and never become a part of Bigbang. Then you all wouldn’t have to worry about a stupid, ugly person like me. You’d be living so much better lives.

Seunghyun would have a lovely girlfriend and maybe he wouldn’t have to hide her from the public. He’d hold her hand proudly and be happy. Much happier without me.

“Then we’d be sitting at home right now, watching TV.” I’d love to do that Seungri. I really want to do it with you. But would you truly enjoy it?

“Well, anyway when we get back home, you’re going to be spending all your time with me, okay?” Does... Does he mean this? I don’t know what is right, and what is wrong. What’s a lie, and what’s the truth? I hope he means it.

Youngbae’s protesting with Seungri and I suddenly want to cry. It’s like old times. Do they really hate me? Maybe.. Maybe they don’t hate me, but were annoyed. Right? I miss them so much.

“Daesung...” I wish for it to be Seunghyun, but it’s Jiyong. I don’t think Seunghyun’s here. That’s okay, because the others will support me. I understand if he doesn’t want to.

“I’ve been an idiot. A stupid, ed up idiot.” No you haven’t. I have. You did nothing, just got mad at my actions.

“I probably would give a lot to see you back again,” Probably?

“And what you did... What you did, I-...” You’re ashamed of me?

“I respect you for it. Don’t take that in the wrong way,” I’m not sure what way I should take it.

“no, you should’ve told us,” I wanted to but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t. Otherwise you’d hate me even more now.

“But I have a lot more respect towards you. Sometimes, you’re like the hyung in this... Family, we have.” I hear a movement in the air, and I’m guessing he’s moving his arms around, gesturing to Youngbae and Seungri.

I love it when one of the members call us a family.

Because deep down, I know that we are.

Deep down, I need them.

I need them in order to survive.

“We need you, Daesung.” I hear and for a moment I panic, wondering whether he’s reading my mind. But then I realise it’s impossible, and anyway, if he could read my mind, I’d tell him not to worry about me.

He pats my shoulder and I feel an incredible amount of love for him. Not in the way that I love Seunghyun, but for a hyung. He’s like a real older brother sometimes. A blood-related hyung. You know that he doesn’t hate you and just gets mad. I guess that’s why he’s the leader.

“You stole my line, Ji...” I hear and I feel my body rush excitedly. Of course it’s mental, as if it did, I’d be leaping out of this bed, but I think I could almost faint right now. The sound is a new voice, and it sounds familiar. Very familiar.

“Yah, Daesung.” I hear and I feel my body slow down with excitement. He doesn’t sound happy.. In fact, he sounds like he did pre-debut, always telling me off. He was joking back then, but is he now...?

“I love you.”

I mentally explode inside. He still loves me? With Seunghyun I believe every word he says. And those three words... I hope to God that he meant them.

 “And I hope you never forget it.” I won’t ever forget it Seunghyun, even when you give up on me and go chasing down all the women, I won’t forget it, because this is real love I’ve felt; my first love, my last love, and even in Heaven you’ll be my love. I’ll never forget that once you loved me.

He’s squeezing my hand so tightly, and I would to anything to squeeze it back, and hug him, and kiss him, and tell him how much I love him, and I feel like I’m about to cry, and I hate myself for not being able to do it. Inside my body is rattling with sobs and frustration, but the outside is still and unmoving.

He wants me to squeeze back, I can feel it. I want to squeeze back too.

I want to cry.

I want to sleep. So that’s what I’ll do.

-----

I awake to Seungri laughing, and Jiyong resting his head on my knee, complaining about how annoying the others are. “Did you know Seungri’s weak spot is the back of his knee, the back of his neck and his armpits?” I think to him, trying to communicate him somehow. I feel my other knee become heavy with a head, and Seungri complaining about how he was the maknae, so he was supposed to be automatically forgiven by everyone. “Yes you are Seungri, but you’re being annoying!” I think. It’s a playful thought, and I hate myself for pretending in my own mind that I’m okay, because when I wake up, I most definitely won’t be okay.

I can hear Youngbae’s sweet laugh and him telling them how he wonders why their fans see those two as a couple. I hear them protest, but then Seungri says something I don’t fail to catch.

“It’s because me and Youngbae are together, and not you!” ......

Seungri and Youngbae are together? Since when? Or are they joking?

I listen to their conversation some more, their childish arguments progressing.

“Has it not clicked yet?” I hear Jiyong wail.

“They’d think I’m cheating on Baebae...” Seungri responds, much to my shock. So... they are a couple?

I listen some more. Seunghyun doesn’t speak very much, only teasing Jiyong once, which makes me feel guilty. Is the reason why he’s not replying because of... Me?

I hear the door shut silently as they leave to get some snacks, and fall back into a long sleep.

----

3 weeks have passed and I’m losing hope in myself, losing hope in everything.

Seunghyun never leaves my side, only holding my hand, squeezing it tightly, hoping I’ll wake up but I won’t.

I think I’ll die.

Unless I try my hardest.

I don’t want to die... I did, but over the past few weeks I’ve silently noticed the other’s affection.

Seunghyun always holds my hand like he expects me to squeeze tightly back.

Sometimes I don’t want him there.

Sometimes I need him so much I internally cry.

I just woke. Seunghyun’s hand just wrapped around mine and I so desperately want to squeeze back but like all other times, it won’t let me. “I need you..” He whispers, and I can feel my heart break.

“I need you too..” I silently whisper back to him in my mind.

I can hear a doctor talking to them; Seungri, Youngbae and Seunghyun, telling everyone to leave. I’m apparently having some kind of check-up.

When they examine me, they always talk about when they should tell the others I got .

I don’t want him to; but I can’t say anything about it in this state.

They don’t care if I’m broken and tainted.

They leave and the doctor is alone with me.

I’m scared. What if he does something to me?

I can’t trust him.

He’s turning me over gently and I want to scream because he’s lifting up my hospital gown. It feels so unprofessional and I want to cry and run to Seunghyun.

No one else.

He’s examining me, trying to look at what he looks at all the time.

Sighing, he pulls the gown down and turns me back over, and I hear a scribbling sound. He’s looking all over my body, at the healing bruises, and cuts, and tells the nurse who just walked in that he should go and tell them now. He then says I’m improving well, which is weird because I feel the same as before.

He touches my nose briefly and I think about Lee Soon kissing it and I get scared all over again.

Oh God it's so scary.

He walks out and the others come back in.

Seunghyun’s by my side again, caressing my fingers. The doctors about to tell them, I know it.

I feel them gasp in shock and I try to fall asleep immediately, pretending to forget about it all.

By a miracle, I manage to fall asleep.

Only to be woken up a few seconds later by Seunghyun’s head burying into my shoulder, his sniff loud in my ear, and his smell filling my nostril.

He thinks I’m filthy and tainted and horrible.

He doesn’t say anything. He must be disappointed. I could laugh.

“What are you thinking right now, D-Dae?” He whispers softly.

“I don’t know, Seunghyun. I’m thinking that you’re thinking I’m broken and tainted and dirty and disgusting, and I want you to take your arms off me because I don’t want to ‘infect you’, but I also want you to keep them wrapped around me because I love you and I’m selfish. I’m thinking a person as broken and as tainted as me should die. I really do. But then I ‘m thinking that I love you too much to leave. So I’m thinking thank you.” I quietly respond in my mind, before feeling warmth around my body and fingers wrapping around my own, in a soft gentle gesture that makes me want to cry.

My hand twitches.

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE - END

A/N: and so the plot thickens. I originally wasn't going to do this so... guess it's a bonus for all you beautiful people ^^ I didn't actually like writing it THAT much (only because my computer keeps losing the file so i had to rewrite it like 23904732 times .___.) but waddya know. Is the hand twitch real or fake? you'll find out tomorrow. heh.