“GUYS!! DINNER’S READY!!”

The yell could be heard from almost down the street. Seungri ran around putting plates of kimchi fried rice, beef, more rice, and various other platters on the table. The bigbang family slowly gathered together one by one. “Looks good, Panda!” praised a content Youngbae, sitting down at the table. Daesung sat next to him, Seunghyun opposite, Seungri next to Seunghyun, and at the end of the table, a happy Jiyong, who clapped when he saw the array of mouth-watering food. “Let’s eat!” Seunghyun chimed in, as he had needed to skip lunch in order to finish working on a new song and was about to explode from hunger. Daesung smiled to himself. Seunghyun was just so cute sometimes. Even if he didn’t think of the word “cute” to describe him with.

Daesung’s smile slowly faded as he realised what he was thinking. He liked Seunghyun. Daesung was not what people thought he was. He was gay. If anyone found out, he would be dead. The band would freak out, kick him out, it would spread to all the newspapers, his fans would hate him... He would prefer to avoid all of that. He sighed and picked up his chopsticks, picking up some rice. He again drifted into thoughts of a way he could possibly tell everyone he was gay without them hating him... It would never happen, but he had to have a bit of hope, right? At least Youngbae might accept him. Youngbae was like Daesung’s brother, his Agony Aunt, his shoulder to lean on. Possibly also Seungri, he was a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and hopefully finding out one of his bandmates was gay wouldn’t scare him that much... At least Daesung thought so.

Even if no one would accept him, he still had to tell at least one person. This huge secret was tearing him apart; having to lie about what kind of girl he likes the most on interviews, having to restrict himself from being too close to Seunghyun to avoid... things happening. That also meant Seunghyun obviously knew there was something up with Daesung. Sooner or later, Seunghyun would ask what it was. That would be a moment Daesung wouldn’t like to experience.

He was interrupted from his thoughts and his sinking heart by a tap on his shoulder from Youngbae. Crap. He jerked up and saw the whole table was looking at him. “Y-Yes..?” He started, hoping no one had asked him a question. “You okay? You seem a little, I dunno, out of it, or something,” Youngbae whispered, giving a reassuring rub on the shoulder. Daesung nodded, putting another dose of rice into his mouth. He swallowed and softly replied, “I’m just tired, Bae.”

The second after Daesung had spoke, he realised how strong the undertone had been. He shot a small smile in Youngbae's direction to try and ease off the seriousness, and downed a cup of water. Youngbae looked away for a moment, then slowly nodded and took his hand off Daesung’s shoulder, before going back to eat his food.

“Tired of what?” Suddenly asked Jiyong. Daesung looked at Jiyong quickly. He was serious. Daesung again, tried to take away the seriousness of the conversation by smiling. When Daesung realised the table were waiting for him to give an answer, he quickly racked his brain for an easy answer. At that moment, he felt Seunghyun’s gaze burn into him. Daesung felt his cheeks flush, and pretended not to notice. “I-... haven’t had much sleep recently, and I’m tireeeeed!!” Daesung yawned, stretching his arms and filling his cup up with more water. “Ah~ I read something online saying that’s a question that could save someone’s life. Although I’m not sure how.” Jiyong spoke, before asking Seungri a question. Daesung was glad he didn’t know. Seunghyun finally looked away, and kept stuffing food into his mouth. This was agonising.

Daesung decided to contribute to the conversation. “So guys.. What’s everyone doing tomorrow?” He looked around at everyone, who had eaten almost half their plate-full. He had only eaten two spoonfuls of rice. He picked up some kimchi he had placed on his plate, and put it in his mouth. “Seunghyun and I are going to a childhood friend’s cousin’s party to perform. It’s so annoying, we have so much to do already and then this god-damn homoual.. It makes me want to eat all the beef. Seungri, pass me some beef.” Seungri laughed and passed Jiyong a whole plate of beef.

Seunghyun nodded to himself and took a piece of beef on the plate for himself while Jiyong put pieces on his own plate. Daesung’s heart dropped. He decided to take the chance and ask a touchy question. “A-.. And what’s wrong with being homoual?” His voice stuttered a bit towards the beginning of that sentence, something luckily only Youngbae noticed. Youngbae glanced at Daesung thoughtfully. Seunghyun looked at Daesung as well. “Well, quite frankly, we don’t’ want to get . At least, I don’t. Dunno about Jiyong. GD, something you not telling us?” Answered Seunghyun, laughing. Youngbae sighed.

“You think I would ever be gay? Runnin’ around singing love songs that girls normally sing*? A flamboyant, loud, annoying freak? Tch, I’d rather be dead than a .”

Daesung’s jaw dropped. Luckily, only Youngbae noticed that again. Seunghyun and Jiyong went on to mock ‘faggots’ and their ‘flamboyance’. Daesung wondered whether he should defend some more or just leave it, as they could’ve already gotten suspicious.

Daesung decided he wasn’t hungry. He silently excused himself from the table, walking slowly around the corner and standing there, trying to wipe forming tears. It was stupid to cry over such a thing. He was stupid. Daesung was just getting so stressed out about the whole gay thing, that even the word ‘homouality’ sent him into some panic-attack mode. He wondered whether they were right. They probably were. Daesung sighed. He heard Youngbae speak up from the table. “Hey! Guys, just shut up. Mocking others isn’t a funny thing to do, especially homouals, and it’s obviously hurting him in some way, so please, just calm down.” Daesung smiled. He made a mental note to thank Youngbae in some way.

“Oh no.. Is Daesung gay?” Seunghyun shouted. A slam on a table was heard. Presumably Seunghyun’s. “Oh please can he not be, I won’t ever be the same around him again. That’s disgraceful. Eugh.” Jiyong stated frankly. Daesung’s heart stopped beating. He stared at the wall, comprehending what had just happened. His mind was a mess. He couldn’t move. He just wanted to fall into a hole and be buried. He slowly made his way to the room he shared with Youngbae. He slammed the door and fell onto the bed. He broke down silently. Tears rushed out. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. He covered his face with his hands. “I’m a disgrace...” He thought. All those things he said.... Were about him. He was a lousy . And the person he loved... had a 90% chance of hating him. He had short quick breaths, and he curled into a ball. He couldn’t hear anything except for repeating words of hatred. He had began to break. Everything was going into meltdown.

Pills. He needed pills. He needed to end this internal pain. He grabbed some of Youngbae’s migraine pills and downed the lot. He was in so much pain. His body was an earthquake. It hurt, It hurt, it hurt...

----

“GUYS!” Youngbae slammed both hands on the table, shutting them both up. No one currently on the table had ever seen Youngbae angrier. Seungri looked at everyone. This didn’t look good. Youngbae spoke in harsh whispers. “Shut your ing mouths. You heard that door slam? That means he’s heard you. YOU KNOW WHAT HE’S LIKE! What the is he going to do now? I actually agree with him, NOTHING is wrong with being gay, and,” he lowered his voice just in case Daesung could hear him. “if he is, then what the are you doing? NOTHING has changed about him!” He went back to raising his voice. “You’d better ing APOLOGISE! Not now you es, do you really think he would want to see you two right now? He thinks you ing hate him. What will he do now? You don’t know what he’s done before, and you don’t want to know. the both of you.” He sighed, and looked at Seungri. Exhausted from all the shouting, he spoke heavily. “Sorry Seungri, food was lovely, as always. I’m going to check up on Daesung now, so I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.” With that, Youngbae walked out the room, and as he turned the corner, he gave his final glance to Seunghyun and Jiyong, filled with pure anger.

“Are you happy? A night so good... ended so badly.” Seungri sighed. “Please don’t make Youngbae angry. That was terrifying.” He picked up plates and put everything away. Seunghyun began joining in, silently. He, and Jiyong, had been scared less from Youngbae. He had knocked some sense into them, but they were just joking around... Seunghyun wiped an unknown tear from his eye and put empty plates in the dishwasher. Jiyong just stood there, taking in the last 10 minutes.

As Youngbae was about to enter the room, he put a hand to his head. Was that a migraine coming on from all the shouting? He needed a pill. He opened the door to find a sleeping Daesung lying on the bed. Youngbae sat next to him, and rubbed his back. “I’m sorry, Daesung.” Youngbae saw a patch of tears on his mattress. Youngbae had always gotten that sense Daesung had something very different about him. The way he always wanted to be around Seunghyun, but when things became too close he’d... “Do.. you like that bastard?” Youngbae laughed sadly. He touched his head gingerly, and reached for his migraine pills, but they weren’t there. Youngbae’s heart dropped. Was Daesung actually sleeping, or...? Youngbae rolled over Daesung’s body. An empty pot of pills rolled out of his hand. Youngbae’s eyes widened. He almost went into panic mode himself. He needed someone with him. “S-SEUNGRI!! COME QUICKLY!” He got out his phone and shakily dialled the emergency number.

CHAPTER 1 - END