Good thing you didn't give many details about your story. There are a few mistakes, but it's okay.

Appearance: 2/5

First, be consistent with the color. If you want it to be striking, use something dark, not orange. It's a bit irritating when reading your foreword. Also, you don't have to place the first picture of SHINee since you already have your character chart. It'll save you some space. The background isn't that good. It hurts the eyes of people reading it since pink and that shade of green don't work together.

Plot: 9/15

I'm not saying that it's boring, I just find it predictable and confusing. I thought Soo Jin's a fan, but it doesn't look like it. She should be at least happy that she's going to live with her idols. Normal fangirls would feel that way. Nonetheless, you have a pretty good plot.

Originality: 8/15

Not that original. I'm looking for some twists, but I didn't see any. Maybe you can add some exciting details later on. Aside from Soo Jin being Onew's sister, try to add more color to it like a fight between the two. And by fight I mean a real one, not just your typical cat-and-dog fight. Something more serious.

Grammar/Spelling: 11/20

I found lots of inconsistency with the tenses and some with the POV. Here are some of them:

You wrote: "We were on our way from the airport; my 'so called' brother and i."

Correction: "We, my so-called brother and I, were on our way from the airport."

You wrote: "But why should did I need to when we were two complete strangers, two people who were completely unaware of each other's existence until recently."

Correction: "But why should I need to when we were two complete strangers, two people who were completely unaware of each other's existence until recently?"

You wrote: "I crossed my arms, sitting in front seat and wait for us to arrive in I-don't-know place."

Correction: "I crossed my arms, sitting in the front seat and waiting for us to arrive at somewhere I don't know."

If you want to add some sarcasm, you can also write 'God-knows-where'.

You wrote: "You keep on saying that for almost 5 times already."

Correction: "You kept on saying that for five times already."

You wrote: "Anyonghaseyo, I am Lee Soo Jin comes from New York."

Correction: "Annyeong haseyo. I am Lee Soo Jin. I came from New York."

If you're not sure with the spelling of some Korean words, then don't use it. Just write it in English.

Characterization: 6/10

I don't get their characters. Generally, you gave SHINee a good character - clumsy, loud, childish. But their individual personalities are almost alike, and that is not good. You need to give each of them a strong characteristic. Soo Jin's character is okay.

Flow:  6/10

It seemed kind of rushed. There are confusing parts.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

Sorry, but I didn't enjoy it that much. Though I like the comedy it has, I found it not interesting enough. Anyways, good luck! :)

Total: 56/100