My  Life  With  This  Death  Note  Guy   

                           by PastelClover  

Title: 3/5

It definitely caught my attention, but when i clicked on it i expected an epic story about how L tries to stop crime because he has a death note... but that's not what happened AT ALL. Try a title that fits your story better to give your reader a better description.  

Appearance: 4/5

Your story's appearance is much more suitable than your title. It's bubbly, cute and fluff, like your story. My only criticism is the color of your text. In the first chapter, i assumed you matched it up with POV (which is an option you should consider), but it ended up being simply for aesthetic reasons

Foreword/Description: 7/10

Your forward should be an excerpt from your story, kind of like a teaser for a new song. If you want to make a cast of characters, consider requesting for a character chart, or just adding a chapter for it. Instead of talking about plagiarism, just disable text selection (which i see you haven't >.< )

Plot: 10/15

Since your story is just beginning, i can't judge your plot completely, but from what i'm reading right now, it's very simple and not very original

Originality: 5/15

I have probably read 6 other stories just like yours on Asianfanfics. The whole, "My brother is a kpop star, but no one knows!" or the, "I was a nerd but now i'm super attractive!" even the "I'm moving in with a band?" are all extremely cliche, and you had all three in your story in the opening chapters. Even some of your character personalities are very unoriginal; the genius who helps you do your homework, the caring older brother, the dynamic best friend, and the stalker.

Grammar/Spelling: 10/20

I admire that English is your fourth language, but as a reviewer, I still need to point out some of your mistakes.
1. Preposition, Adjective, and Adverb use: I saw a lot of confusion between using an adjective and adverb.

Example: I felt my eyes teary and I can't hold it anymore.

Edit: I felt my eyes tearing and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Explanation: Using “tearing” instead of “teary” is more of a participle/adjective choice, but often times participles can act as adjectives. Choosing between “can” and “could” is using verb tenses, which I will talk about later. As for “hold it,” you could say that for an object or temporal object, but for something such as feelings or emotions, you would have to put the preposition “in,” implying that you need to hold it inside of you.

2. Verb choice and tense: This was the main problem I saw in your story. In your story, you switch between past tense and present tense extremely often. I wasn’t even sure which one you wanted to write in. I won’t address your word choice because most of the problems were idioms, and you really just need to learn them as someone who’s learning English.  

Example: “Everybody start whispering and I wondered what happened.”

Edit: Everybody started whispering and I was wondering what had happened.

Explanation: I chose this sentence because the tenses are quite complicated here. “Start” needs to be in past tense, because this needs to have happened already, for the following part to make sense. “was wondering” needs to be imperfect, because it’s still going on. It started in the past, but it’s still continued in the present, because Eunseul hasn’t figured anything out yet. “had happened” is pluperfect, because, like the first part, it needed to happen before.

Characterization: 7/10

Though your characters' personalities stay constant throughout the story, they have very cliche personalities. I have never read a fanfic about L when he isn't cold and mean, but have you ever thought about why he would be that way? Instead of sticking to cliche personalities, try thinking of creative ways to explain their personalities. Maybe L's parents died when he was little and he had to fend for himself. Maybe people lied to him about so many things, he learned to trust nobody. These are just simple ideas that don't need to play a big role, but should be said. 

Flow: 5/10

Some of the events in the story came absolutely OUT OF NOWHERE. I understand that sometimes you wanted her to feel the same surprised feeling as the reader, but you can't have that feeling for EVERY event. When she had to go on stage with Yunho, i had no idea she could dance or even perform. You should have addressed her ability to perform earlier in the story. When L did her homework, you could have slipped in a small part of L's POV of him doing her homework, just to give the reader a head's up. 

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

Your story was very cute, and even though i'm not a big infinite fan, i enjoyed it. If you just worked on your grammar and originality, your writing would be a lot better :) 

Total: 58/100

Dr3amer's Note: Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer!  

Review by dr3amer

posted 1.25.13