Title: 4/5

You have a beautiful title. I don't mean to be picky, but taking away "the" in the beginning would make a difference. For titles, the shorter the better. The parentheses threw me off. Are you providing an alternate title, or a description? It would have been fine without the parentheses.

Foreword/Description: 6/10

I found it a little unnecessary to put the pairing, genre, and word count, but if it's a requirement for the contest, i can't say anything. As for the songs; usually writers put a small note in the story to say where they want the reader to play the song. This provides a clearer sense of mood in the story and the scene.

Appearrance: 5/5

The appearance of your story looked angelic and it fit the theme of your story.

Plot: 8/15

To be honest, it took me quite a while to actually figure out what was going on. Is he falling? Is he being rescued? If he dying? It's a tragic plot, but nonetheless interesting.

Originality: 13/15

Your overall story was very original. There aren't many authors who are willing to write about character death, almost none who would write it as beautifully as you did. But there are many themes that you used in your story that have been used before, such as the sudden remembrance of people or white vs. black.

Grammar: 10/20

Your use of parentheses really confused me. If they're there to act as thoughts or an alternate universe, you could use a different color or a different font. Parentheses implies that something is going on behind the scenes, but that wasn't what was happening in your story. Sometimes they were thoughts, sometimes it was dialogue, and sometimes they were questions. Disregarding the parentheses, your diction and sentence structure are very good. Sometimes you don't break a sentence where it should be broken. For example, "He tries to spread his wings, oh, those marvelous white wings, but they remain quivering at his side." You could cut your "but" clause out, since the next sentence basically says the same thing, and use an exclamation point after "wings" to show more voice.

Characterization: 9/10

Your characterization of Luhan was nearly perfect. His angelic, innocent character stayed constant throughout the story. The reason why i'm not giving you a 10, is simply because there wasn't *enough* of the other characters, especially Lay. If you added a bit more of Lay's dialogue and gave him a larger role in the story, i would have given you full points. 

Flow: 5/10

The way you went from idea to idea was a little hard to follow.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

To be honest, your story was very confusing to read. It could have been just for me, but if you fixed your use of parentheses it would have been a lot better. Good luck in your contest!

Total: 65/100

thederpchanyeol's note. here's your review! thanks for requesting! don't forget to credit the shop and the reviewer! :)