CHAPTER 41 : Whim

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(Jiyong’s POV)

I still don’t understand her. Since we came back from Busan, she also came back from ignoring me. Okay, not totally ignoring me. But she’s acting unfriendly only to me, yet she’s so pleasant to others. If she’s doing this to make me more jealous, then I swear to God, I’ll die jealous if she continue this act.

It’s been 2, 3 weeks? Another semester has begun and I’m getting hopeless again. I know I swear I won’t give up, but I can’t control feeling hopeless if she’s like that. I shouldn’t complain about anything now, right? I’m the one who cause these things to happen; I have no right to complain. But I will never give up on her. Not now that I already felt that she still loves me when we’re in Busan, though she never said it. I will risk anything for her. That’s how I love her. That’s how I love Yoona.

---

“Hey…Hey! Don’t leave me here!” I shouted and run after her.

“Go away Jiyong!” Yoona pushed me. “I told you I-“

“No!” I cut her off. I’m sure another pain will fierce my heart when the words came out of . “This…I know this isn’t you.”

We are alone in the house and we talked about us. Just like before, it ended up as a disaster. I don’t get her. She suddenly became cold to me again.

“I don’t get you…” I admit as I force her to sit again.

“What?!” She said, looking annoyed.

“I said I don’t get you.”

“I heard you, okay? But what are you talking about?” She glared.

“Why…Why are you like this? I thought we already settled the problem. I thought we’re fine now. I thought-“

“No we’re not Jiyong.” She started. “I told you, I remember you. Okay fine, I do. But it also means that I remember everything. Jiyong I remember everything you said and did.”

She started to cry.

“Yoona…I’m sorry, please stop crying.” I comfort her and my eyes begin to well up too. I can’t see her getting hurt by me anymore. It breaks my heart more.

“You…You pretended that you love me truly.” She said.

“I didn’t pretend Yoona. I really do love you. I promise…”

“I know it’s been more than a year and it’s funny that I’m still crying over it. *sobs* But can you blame me?” She looked at me. “Can you blame me for getting hurt over and over again when I remember you and all the promises you broke? You can’t. *sobs*”

“Yoona…”

“Just…*sobs* Sulli…she’s…she’s insane. I hate her. I despise her. She planned all this, I’m sure of it. She clings to you like she doesn’t know I’m your girlfriend. And yet you acted like you don’t know what she’s up to.”

She said it like it just happen yesterday. Now I realized. I really didn’t think that Sulli’s trying to steal me from her. I’m so stupid for not seeing it and still defended her to Lay.

“Yoona, listen to me. I love you. Sulli and I are over a long time ago. It’s y-“

“Then after promising me that you’re not going to hide anything from me, I gave everything to you.”

She continued like she didn’t hear anything I’ve said.

“*sobs* But you broke it…again…I think she’s more important to you since you took her side. You know what Ji, maybe I shouldn’t have let this love grow in the first place. And maybe I never should have come back to face all of you.”

“Don’t say that Yoona…” I don’t know what to say to her now.

“And the time when my baby…” She choked. “…our baby died…*sobs* The feeling of losing a child stays. It never go. *sobs* I never even had a chance to talk to my baby inside my tummy. *sobs* I never even…*sobs* got to touch my baby bump Jiyong. You…You mess it all.” She then looked at me. I automatically withdraw my hands from her arms. Her eyes, I can’t see through it. “Now I hate you. I hate you more than you can imagine.”

We both are crying while staring at each other. I hope she can feel what I’m feeling now, because I can feel hers.

She stood up and walked towards the door but I run after her and hug her from the back. I don’t know, but when I hug her, she suddenly gave her weight on me, like she’s going to faint, and she cried harder than earlier. I held her tight and never let her fall on the floor.

All I can hear now is our cries, echoing inside the dim lit room.

“Yoona, I love you too much. I can’t live without you.” I whispered between my tears.

She didn’t speak so I continue to hug her tight. I feel like she’s giving up on us, and I can’t think of anything to make her stay with me. I don’t know but I’m really losing hope on her now. I hate this feeling and it makes my chest tighten and feel heavier.

After a few minutes, she struggles and she’s pushing me away from her.

“We’re even…”

I creased my brows at her. “W-What do you mean we’re even?”

“…”

“Yoona…what…what do you mean?” I asked her again.

“…”

“Do…Do you still love me?” I managed to ask and as my tears fall on my face. I’m afraid that she’ll answer me the words I don’t want to hear in my whole life.

She bowed. “I don’t.” 

Oh my God. She said it. I shook my head.

Then she looked at me. “I tried to love you and on the process on did. But I don’t feel anything now Jiyong.”

“…” It’s my turn now to keep silent. What is she saying? What ‘in the process’?

“When Jae broke up with me, I really felt like I’m going to die in pain. But you’re still there for me. *sobs* So I thought, maybe, just maybe, if I let you be my boyfriend, the sadness I’m feeling will subside at least.” She paused and started to play with her fingers. “The truth is…I just used you to forget about him. But I guess destiny hates me that much and I fall in love with you, *sobs* then when I already admitted it to myself, you suddenly cheated on me. You don’t know how much pain it caused me, a thousand times more than what I felt after Jae left me.”

“Yoon-“

“I don’t love you anymore Jiyong. I am still hurting, and now you are too, so we’re even.”

I can’t move. Did I hear it all right? I am busy contemplating on things that I didn’t realize she already left me alone.

She left me alone…not only in this moment, but in forever.

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(No One’s POV)

“Aish! It’s so boring!” Hyuna whined. “I really hate the first month of semesters. I should’ve stayed home.”

“Tss. If I know, you’re already itching to see your Hyunseung!” Chaerin retorted.

“Hmmft!” Hyuna just snobbed Chaerin and looked at the gloomy face of Yoona.

The girls are staying under their favorite tree near the soccer field again, watching the players’ practice.

“Well~ I think our friend here have a problem. Care to share it with us?” Hyuna asked.

“…”

Yoona didn’t respond. She actually didn’t hear anything they’re saying. Her mind is preoccupied with things.

“What’s with her?” Taeyeon asked.

“Don’t ask me, I don’t know too, duh~ I just asked her, right?” Hyuna retorted. “Oh! Wait, I need to go now. Bye girls!” She points at Yoona like she’s telling her friends to take care of their friend and run as Hyunseung waves at her.

“Aish! That girl!” Taeyeon complained but when she saw Baekhyun walking towards them, she also said her goodbyes. “Oh! Chaerin…” She makes a cute face but Chaerin acted like she’s going to puke. “Tss. Take care of Yoona, please? I need to go. Bye!”

“You’re always doing this to me!!!” Chaerin shouted and Taeyeon sticks her tongue out to her. “*sigh* Those girls are giving me headaches.”

She stares at Yoona for a few seconds before talking. “Yoona…are you okay?”

“Chae…” Yoona called weakly.

“Yes. Why Yoona?”

“Did you ever feel like there’s something inside of you that just wanted to explode from guilt and regrets?”

Chaerin blinked twice. “Ahmm…no? Why’d you ask?”

Yoona shook her head.

“You know you can always tell me about your problems, Yoona. I’m willing to listen.”

“Chaerin-ah~ Am I…Am I worthy of his love?”

“H-Hey…yah! Don’t cry Yoona…” She panicked when she saw tears on her friend’s face. She just wrapped her arms around her shoulders and rubbed it carefully.

“*giggle* I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” Yoona said as she wipes her tears with the back of her hands. “I hate myself for putting up a show. Now the guilt is eating me and I’m regretting everything that I’ve showed him, the coldness, everything. What should I do now?”

“Shh…Actually…I don’t know what to say. Ahmm…I think you just need to fix things with him before it’s too late. You both deserve to be happy after all.”

“If I didn’t get scared to face him after what happened and if I didn’t left all of you to hide and run from all my problems, we will never be in this state, right?” Yoona asked.

“Oh Yoona…” Chaerin hugs her. Even if she didn’t say what she feels, she’s also hurting seeing her friend on this state.

They missed their remaining classes that day and just spent their time talking with each other. Later that day, Chaerin sends Yoona off to their house to eat dinner.

“Yoong!” Yuri called from the kitchen. “Come, let’s eat.”

“I’m not hungry.” Yoona answered without even looking at them and continue to walk towards her room.

“What’s wrong with her?” Sica asked.

“Is it just me or it’s really getting more and more complicated?” Fany said.

“Yeah. It is.” Tao answered.

“But where is my brother, really? He should be here at this kind of hour.” Yuri complained.

“I think their over thinking everything.” Lay whispered and shook his head.

“You said something?” Tao asked.

“Nothing.” Lay just said.

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(Jiyong’s POV)

“What’s wrong now Jiyong?”

“I just want to talk and have a little drink with the leader of the 3TS.”I faked a laughed.

“*smirks* Don’t you dare play tricks on me, pabo. Tell me.”

“*sigh*”

“Are you going to talk? ‘Cause if you’re not, I’ll be leaving now.” Jae said.

“*sigh* Fine.” I said.

“Why are you sighing too much? Is there a problem with Yoona?”

“Dreams.” I said before sipping on my glass of beer.

“Dreams? What?” Jae stifled a laugh.

“Is it possible that dreams can be real?” I asked, just staring at my drink.

“Dreams are inside our subconscious mind. We are having dreams just because of 2 things. One, we wanted it to happen, and two, we never want it to happen.”

“Then it’s the least thing I want to happen in my life.”

“Haha. You’re beginning to sound like a girl, Ji.”

“Tss.” Yeah. I’m really beginning to sound and feel like a girl. Too sensitive.

“So what about your dream?”

Jae faced me.

“I had a dream last week and until now, I can still feel the pain when she left me. I remember everything. It all feels real. The way she cries in front of me, when she told me how wasted she is when our baby died, how traumatized she is now, and the way she told me that she don’t love me anymore. I feel like dying.”

I feel my eyes well up in tears. Gay.

“I felt that way too, years ago.” Jae laughed.

What the-?! He still got the nerve to laugh at me?

“I mean, everything happens for a reason. I hurt her then in the end I got hurt too. And then you hurt her so you’re hurting now. It’s just fair for you to get hurt. And Geez! It’s just a dream; it’s not like she really said that to you for real.”

“…”

“Okay, I will tell you this to encourage you, okay? When I feel sad, I pour all my emotions in writing a song. It just feels relieving that all the songs I wrote with her in my mind ended up so good. I make her my inspiration. Even if I know that she’ll remember the hurt she felt through the messages of the songs I sing, I still continue to do it; at least she knows how I feel and she knows how I love her.”

What?

“What can I do to make her miseries and fears go away? I’m beginning to lose hope.”

“Are you dumb?!” He shouted at me. “No, you are indeed dunce! Why am I even wasting my time talking to you? If you continue to act victim here, then I can’t see her going back to you. You are the weakling.”

He stood up and sips the last drop of his drink.

“Wait. Tell me what to do.” I plead.

“What?” He asked annoyed. “Look Jiyong. Don’t act like a king. Don’t just sit there and think of a way to solve your problem. You need to find it yourself. The solution will never come to you. In love, we are all losers. Remember that.”

“But I’ve been-“

He looked at his wrist watch. “I need to go back now. It’s kinda late. Thanks for drink, by the way.”

Then he left me there confused.

“Yah!” I called.

He stopped on his tracks but he didn’t look back. “You find the answers yourself. Don’t just sit there and act like a king.”

With that, he completely exited the place.

---

Another three weeks have passed and I think my efforts are beginning to be recognized.

Yuri told me that one tine, Yoona went home gloomy and she didn’t eat. She didn’t even talk to them when they try to communicate with her. So they let her clear her mind first before asking her what was her problem, but in the end she didn’t told them her problem. And I don’t know, but I think since after that night, she’s been cool with me.

Sometimes I just laugh at myself thinking that I cried in front of Jae but then became close to Yoona again after that night. I was so silly, dumb and gay that time. It’s just embarrassing that Jae saw that side of me. Out of all people, why did I call him?

For three weeks, I saw that everything has improved. She’s still awkward to me when we’re alone sometimes, but we’re casual. At least we’re casual.

It took me the whole preliminaries to realize what Jae said.

‘How can I be so dumb?’ I thought when I’m taking a bath.

I’m a composer and I didn’t thought of writing a song for her? I did it once but I didn’t think that it will work, maybe because she came back without any hint of softness for me. Hmm. Anyways, I will still try my best.

 -‘ Even if I know that she’ll remember the hurt she felt through the messages of the songs I sing, I still continue to do it; at least she knows how I feel and she knows how I love her.’-

I tried to forget about my dream and it was a success since Yoona never showed me something that I fear of. Maybe she never told me that she still loves me, yet, but at least she never said that she doesn’t love me anymore either.

*sigh*

“Thinking about her again, ha?”

“Oh Lay…” I acknowledged. “I guess you know me very much now…”

“I’m getting tired of waiting, Jiyong. Are you still going to make her fall in love with you?”

“Ahh…” I thought for a second. Actually I just thought about it, and I’m going to tell them my plan later. “Patience, Lay. Just be patient.”

“Hey guys…” Tao came and fall lazily on the couch. “Lay and Ji are here!”

“You’re too loud Tao. You’re becoming one of the girls an-“ Lay didn’t finish his sentence because of Yuri.

“Yah oppa!!! Do you really want to die? Ha?!”

“Aw!  What did I do now? Stop it Yul!” I said as I shield myself from Yuri’s hits.

“Hmm…nothing. I just feel like hit.ting.you!” She said as she hits me for the last time.

“Aish! Come here!”

“Hahahahaha.”

She laughed hard as I pulled her to sit beside me and tickles her on her side. I just missed her, my sister.

“Stop it. Hahaha. Oppa!” I stopped when the others came in.

“I heard you Lay…” Sica started. “He’s really becoming one of us too.”

“W-What do you mean? (0 o 0)” Tao stuttered.

I laughed when I saw his reaction.

“Are you gay?” I asked. He blinked twice before frantically shaking his head.

“Hahahaha.” We laughed.

“Oh no no no. I am not gay. You know I lov- Yah!”

“Hahahaha.” We continue to laugh at him.

The house was filled by our laughter. I miss this. I miss hearing her alligator laugh again after a long time. She’s living with the same roof as me yet I still miss her face every day.

“What’s with the weird smile, Jiyong?” Fany suddenly asked. I never thought that I’m smiling to myself already.

“Well…” I paused. “I just miss us…”

It took them a few seconds before reacting.

“Ewww!~” The girls shouted in chorus.

“What?” I asked in confusion. “I’m just telling the truth.”

“Are you gay too?”

It’s my turn now to take my time to react.

“Wha-” I was shocked that she just asked me that. I can’t utter a word.

“Yoong, I told you. Don’t you dare say yes to my brother. I think he’s gay too.” Yuri added.

After I heard her words, I panicked. What if-

“Okay.” Yoona smiled.

That’s it!

“Yah! I’m doing all I can to make her say yes again and with just a false accusation you already convinced her to say no? Aish!” I exploded.

“Don’t take it seriously Ji-“ Lay tried to talk.

“No. Yoong, don’t listen to them.” I literally kneeled down before her and glared at my sister.

Yoona looks surprised. Well, me too. I never thought I’ll do this out of impulse. I panicked, sorry.

“Hahaha.”

She laughs…hard, with her hands covering .

I shook my head. This is hopeless. I came back to my seat then Lay whispered something to me.

“I told you not to take it seriously.”

It’s been a minute and they are still laughing.

“Stop it already!” I demand. “Gay…” I whispered to myself.     ‘OTL

A/N: sorry guys for the late update!! ^_^v

and guys,  this story will be ending soon, so please anticipate the next chapters.. thanks ^_^ 

thanks for all your support!!!

oh !!! atlast YOONA made an INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.. FINALLY!!!! DO FOLLOW HER !! ^_^ THANKS!!