CHAPTER 26 : Thoughts

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“I love you, Yoona. I know that you already suffered a lot but I still want to confess my love for you. You can reject me if you want…actually…I’m used to it already. But it’s okay, I just don’t want you to ignore me. Still friends, okay? Just like before.”

 ‘Ottoke?’

“Omo! Yoong, Ji’s confessing again.” Fany whispered but obviously loud for the others to hear.

“Again?!” They all shouted in chorus.

“Oppa already confessed to you?” Yuri asked with an amazed look.

“Oh my God! This. Is. News.” Sica stated.

I heard Lay chuckled.

“Yoong, talk! Why are you crying?” Tao said.

‘I don’t know what to do. Oh my God.’

I was busy with all my thoughts that I didn’t realize I was already crying. Without any second thought, I ran outside the club. I don’t care if they all think that I hate the situation, that I hate what Ji just did, or if I walked out.

‘But that’s what you did. Tss.’ My subconscious blurted out.

I rented a cab and went straight home alone. I don’t want to see them now, especially Jiyong. For sure I’ll be eaten by my embarrassment and guilt.

“But how can you do that? It’s his house you’re living at! Aish!” I shook my head in frustration and I automatically looked down when I saw the driver looking at me through the rearview mirror.

I ended up staring at the house’s door.

“Ottoke?”

Now I’m regretting it. Why did I even run? Gosh!

“But if I didn’t run, what would I say?”

I’m becoming insane. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure what to feel, what I feel.

I still need to think about this before I face him. My only problem is that this is his house. Of course I will see him every single day!

I covered my face with my palms before shaking my head.

“Wahhh~”

I went straight to my room. I took a cold shower before I changed to my PJs.

*sigh*

I’m lying on my bed for about an hour now and I still can’t sleep. Thank God, tomorrow is Saturday and I don’t have any projects to do. No, that will be a problem, what should I do to keep myself busy and not to cross path with him?

Another long minute have passed and I heard the front door opened.

*click*

I heard them laughing out loud then it suddenly stopped. I furrowed my brows. Then I heard I heard footsteps outside my bedroom. When I felt that someone is about to turn the door knob, I quickly shut my eyes and pretend to sleep.

I felt someone seated on my bed and I stiffened as I hear his voice.

“Yoona…”

He holds my hands; I hope he doesn’t feel me stiffening under his touch.

“…How are you?...Why did you cry? Ha?” He chuckled. “You know I hate it when you’re crying. I told you it’s okay if you just reject me. It’s true that I’m used to it, but don’t worry, it’s not a discouragement for me. You don’t have to worry about me, like before. You know what I mean, right?” His voice is trembling. 

Is he crying? I wanted to look at him but I can’t. Aish. This is so confusing!

Then he faked a cough. “So ah…okay. *sigh* I know you’re tired. I’m sorry if I pushed you to your limits. I love you.”

He kissed my forehead and hot drops of water fell to my face.

‘I’m sorry Jiyong for causing you too much pain.’

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The next day, I had breakfast with everybody. We happily talked about what happened last night.

No.

I’m kidding.

I had breakfast with them, without Jiyong. And no one dared to open that topic too. I don’t hate him. I hope he knows that. I just don’t want to see him right away after I...after I…aish. I can’t even say it! Embarrassment filled me.

“Oh, good morning Ji!” Tao greeted, looking right behind me.

“Good morning, guys.” He said.

My eyes widened when I felt the girls looking at me.

“*ehem* Ahmm, ah…I’m going back to my room.” I smiled and passed by him with my head down. I’m afraid that if I see his eyes with a hint that he really did cry last night, I will feel more guilty than what I am feeling right now.

I can feel his stares and it gives me goosebumps.

When I was on the stairs, I heard them laughing hard and teasing Jiyong. Tss.

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I spend all afternoon thinking about what I really feel about everything. Memories with Jiyong, the smiles, tears, happiness, fear, and the giddiness came back to me.

It’s also clear to me now what I feel about Jae. I love him. Really, but I don’t love him like I love him before. Maybe because everything that happened made me realized it, no. my friends made me realized it. Thanks to them.

My problem now is Jiyong. I keep on asking myself questions that obviously, I should know the answers, but I chose to deny it all.

1. Why did I call for his name when I actually can’t think straight during that worst situation of my life? Probably it’s just an impulse.

2. Why did I felt guilty when I told Taec that Jiyong’s not my reason for dumping him? Because Jiyong is my friend and looking at him with a sad look on his face made me feel guilty, that’s all.

3. Why do I feel uncomfortable when he’s with Sulli? Because I think he deserves the best girl in this world. Sorry Sulli.

4. Am I really jealous with the girls at the mall? No, I just don’t want to see girls chasing after boys. It should be the other way around.

5. Why am I blushing when he’s being sweet and everything? It’s a normal thing for a girl to blush with some acts, you know.

6. Why did I cry when I saw him kissing Sulli in front of me? Because! I already told you reason, they are not the one destined for each other.

7. Why did I run out last night? I don’t know.

8. Why am I confused now? …

Lies. Don’t tell me I’m…I’m…I’m in love with him????

Omo!

I called for his name that hideous time because in my heart, he’s the one I know that can save me.

I felt guilty when I saw his sad face that time because I know, subconsciously, I’m saying the wrong name and I’m waiting for the wrong person.

I think Sulli’s not the one for him because…because that should be me! Oh my.

I’m really jealous with the girls at the mall.

I’m blushing because that’s a normal response of a girl when the guy she likes does and says sweet things for her.

I cried because it hurts me seeing him kissing other girl.

I ran out last night because I still can’t believe that I’m really in love with him, though of course I’m scared that if I reject him once more, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Or not? He said he’s willing to wait. I know he’s sincere.

I’m confused…because I’m confused. This feelings I have for him is new and I don’t know how to tell him that.

Wahhhh~

During dinner, I can’t look straight at anyone’s eyes. I still don’t believe my conclusion earlier and I can’t help but to think about it all night. I spent almost every hour after dinner validating my thoughts and feelings.

Should I just rely on my confusion and believe that I already love him, but the truth is I don’t?

*sigh*  I need to clear up my mind and tomorrow, I‘ll stress myself with this issue again.

I decided to sleep but I can’t. I can’t help myself to smile when I think about some funny moments with Jiyong. Maybe I’m really in love with him. When you think about it, he’s really sweet.

*sigh*

“Am I living in the same room with an insane friend now?” Fany said that made me stop from reverie.

“Of course you’re not. Goodnight Fany!” I said and turned my back at her and closed my eyes. I don’t want her continue seeing me smiling like an idiot here. 

Then I heard her laugh. I faced her again.

“You know Yoong, you’re too obvious.”

“What obvious you’re saying?!” I was shocked so I deny it. “I’m not in love with Jiyong, okay? Tss.”

“I’m…not saying you’re in love with him.” She furrowed her eyebrows before grinning. “Well, well, well. Fishes are caught with their own mouths. Hahaha.”

I feel my cheeks getting hotter and hotter. I’m so stupid! Why did I even say that?! Aish!

“So you’re in love with him, ha? Anyways, you don’t have to say it out loud. We, I mean, he already know it. Hahaha.”

She continued to laugh and my eyes are widened in shock. All I’m hoping right now is for my bed to swallow me whole and save me from another embarrassment. This stupid mouth isn’t helping!

“I’m…I’m not a fish!”

That was all I could say before I covered myself with my blanket.

“Stop blushing and sleep. Hahaha. Goodnight and dream of Jiyong~”

I can sense the amusement in her voice.

“Aish~”

A/N: THIS IS A SHORT UPDATE, SO SORRY ABOUT THAT!! ^_^v

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