---------

You were so shocked by Taemin’s kiss, it had rendered you speechless.

But it was over before it even began- ‘Your drink!’ Taemin exclaimed, pulling away while pointing at the takeaway cup of tea you’d half spilled onto the floor.

‘Oh.’ You mouthed, trying hard to keep that tight, coiling feeling within you, not wanting it to disappear as quickly as it began. Regardless, you went through the motions of picking the cup up and placing it beside you. Taemin seemed worried; ‘Oh no, that was really thoughtless of me, to do that so suddenly…I’ll buy you another one-

-‘Kiss me again.’ You said out loud instead of in your head where it should have been. Taemin looked at you with widening eyes; ‘Again?’ He asked, surprised. You could do nothing but nod enthusiastically, surrendering to your own desires. Taemin regarded you for a moment as shock turned into amusement and then shyness. His eyes softened into his signature eye smile, holding back a laugh with the back of his hand; ‘You don’t want your tea?’ He asked amusedly. You shook your head, closing the gap between you ever so slightly. Taemin exhaled shyly, his expression relaxing; ‘Ok.’ He whispered as if it was a secret between you, this extra kiss.

You felt it again, the moment his lips touched yours; that feeling of butterflies had your head spinning. It was you who took it further, deepening the kiss with a passion, drunk on the feeling.  

To freely want…to be freely wanted…

It was addictive.

Both your breathing quickened as the kiss grew in urgency- all you wanted to do as kiss Taemin until his warmth engulfed you entirely.

Were you doing it out of spite? Out of rebellion?

It didn’t matter. Taemin was uncomplicated and it was euphoric. He was someone you could kiss, could touch…someone who smiled at you with no ultimatum brewing behind his eyes…

Yet.

-‘It’s nice…seeing you smile.’

Those words floated in your mind like a faint echo. Continuing to kiss Taemin with a passion, you kept his lips on yours and tried to forget the lone boy in the kitchen. His large, round dark eyes that surveyed you remained just that…quiet and silent.

And the guilt ate away at you.

------------

You’d arrived back at the dorm in such a daze, you almost didn’t know where the sky began or where it ended. Breaking out of your haze; you realised that you’d been staring blankly down the landing of the already unlocked open front door you’d opened.

Immediately, you’d begun to sober from that high as you stared at the shoes laid out at the door.

-‘You rang the bell?’ Kyungsoo had peered his head round the doorway.

You stared back at him aloofly.

‘I thought you had a key?’ He asked quietly as you both looked at the key in your hand; ‘Oh I do, don’t I?’  You chuckled, rubbing the back of your head, hiding the guilt as best you could. Kyungsoo moved, ushering you in and closing the door behind you.

‘You ok?’ He asked quietly and as gently as Kyungsoo always spoke with you. And it made you feel worse.

‘Mmhm, I’m fine! What are we cooking tonight?’ You asked quickly, averting his gaze while taking off your shoes. ‘We could do something with the fish in the fridge.’ He said quietly and thoughtfully. ‘Good idea.’ You replied in a cheerful tone, fighting back a feeling that sunk your heart.

Your phone buzzed and you pulled it out of your pocket without thinking-

-Message from: Taemin-

-The words on the screen spelled out, and you nearly threw your phone across the landing just to stop Kyungsoo from seeing it. Instead, you slumped over the device and shoved It back into your pocket, breaking out into a sweat as you recalled the previewed message on the screen;

Did you get home safe? What are you going to eat?

‘How was the meeting?’ Kyungsoo asked, taking your coat off of you and hanging it on the rack. ‘Oh, good, you know…a lot of stuff planned for you guys as usual.’ You said, nervously hiding your phone before stuffing it into your pant pocket. There was something, a feeling that flashed between you both and it made something in your chest hurt.  Kyungsoo walked past you, leaving you to your own devices. You waited a second longer before taking out your phone and replying as fast as you could to Taemin;

Yes~ Fish tonight!

You pursed your lips and stared at the message, scrutinising the feigned enthusiasm. Why did it feel so duplicitous when it shouldn’t have?

Fingers typing away, you wrote some more, feeling your heart pound with every word;

I’m going to tell them tonight.

You stared at the screen

And didn’t hit send.

-

You were halfway through your plan of telling the others in your head. Named: ‘Operation Tae-date.’ (which of course sounded God-awful out loud but it was the best you could come up with); It would start first serving the boys dessert ‘sweetening’ them up a bit and while they were away on their ice cream sticks, you’d tell them straight out. BUT if the ice cream didn’t do its job, you’d crack open some beers to open them up to whatever you had to say.

– Easy, right?

You grimaced.

-‘Hey, look where you cut.’ Kyungsoo said abruptly.

‘Huh?’ You asked in a daze, immediately remembering where you were. Kyungsoo placed a hand nervously over yours that held the knife. He slid the utensil out from your fingers and you let him; ‘You nearly cut your finger off.’ The concern in his voice was clear and it made you wince.

His large round eyes surveyed you; ‘_____, what’s wrong?’ His voice had an effect. You looked up with a gasp; your mouth opening as you reciprocated his watchful eyes-

-Tell him.

It’s Kyungsoo.

‘Is it the meetings? Did someone say something that hurt you?’ He remained staring, attentive to all  your mannerisms.

Kyungsoo cares…

You bit back your bottom lip and shook your head.

‘Then what?’ Kyungsoo leaned in closer; his fingers slightly touching your elbow…to show that he was here.

But…will he be there if you tell him?

You imagined his hurt look, a pained expression that in turn would hurt you.

-‘It’s nothing. I’m just tired, that’s all.’ Your lips curved into a smile as you moved away from his touch. Kyungsoo’s warmth left your side.

Yet you continued, taking another step back while you ripped your apron off.

‘I need to lie down.’ You mumbled, turning around as fast as you could.

Coward.

You rushed out the kitchen as casually as you could, bumping into Jongin; ‘Ouch.’ He guffawed, but you’d already rushed past him, bowing your head in apology. ‘Sorry.’ You called out before bursting into your room, closing the door swiftly.  

------

Hours earlier

‘Should I tell Jongin?’ Taemin had asked, unable to stop looking at your face after your kiss.   

‘Jongin? – Oh GOD Jongin!’ You stood up as if you’d seen a ghost.

‘What about Jongin?’ Taemin asked innocently.

‘Well! Not Jongin specifically.’ You lied; ‘It’s just-‘

-‘Isn’t it ok? What happened when you dated people before?’ Taemin asked, taking a sip of his latte. God, he looked so serene.

‘I haven’t. You replied hysterically.  

‘What?’ He asked with widened eyes; ‘You mean-‘

‘-Not here at least.’ You said truthfully, shoving your hands into your pockets.

‘Ohhhh…well I mean. They shouldn’t mind?’ Taemin thought aloud. You nodded a little too quickly in agreement. ‘If it makes you feel uneasy, I can tell Jongin.’ He added.

‘No no, I’ll tell him.’ You replied solemnly. Taemin nodded and leaned back comfortably; ‘Ok, fine.’

You didn’t want to trouble Taemin. And you didn’t want Jongin to hear it from anyone else.

It would be fine, right?

-

Immediately you’d regretted it: the moment you sat down with the boys for dinner, them clustered all around you, admiring the fish stew Kyungsoo practically made on his own – you regretted it dee