He was terrified.

Terrified you could hear his heart rick-racketing against his chest.

But it was the only thing he could think of, the only thing he could do….

If he kissed his thumbs, he wasn’t kissing you…this would mean nothing.

As he had walked down from the bathroom corridor, hearing what those girls were saying…

How had he even ever considered someone as horrible as Krystal?

The way you’d squeezed your eyes shut. Trying not to…

Trying not to hear.

Something inside him had snapped.

And Jongin saw red.

It was too late, he couldn’t be reasoned with. And even though the look of horror in your eyes may have hurt him if it wasn’t for the fact that adrenaline was pumping through his brain.

He wasn’t thinking.

He should have.

He should have thought…

The look in your eyes…

You walked away.

He knew he’d done something seriously wrong.

‘Hey where’s ____-ah?’ Luhan asked the moment Jongin walked back into the dance studio.

‘She said she was coming back but?’

‘Yeah uh..she got a message so she had to run, she says sorry.’ Jongin mumbled, running a hand through his hair.

Luhan caught Jongin’s confused expression while he twiddled with his phone.

‘What?’ Luhan asked evidently turning suspicious.

‘Nothing. Nothing.’ Jongin wafted Luhan’s prying eyes away.

‘Hey look at you guys coming in early.’ It was a voice Jongin for once, didn’t want to hear.

Taemin walked into the dance studio looking impressed.

‘That’s great.’ He held two thumbs up towards both Jongin and Luhan. But Jongin almost frowned, evidently thinking, recollecting what had just happened and thinking of ways to fix the situation.

‘Yah, what’s wrong with you.’ Taemin asked, throwing his arm over Jongin’s shoulders and pulling his cheek.

‘Nothing, nothing.’ Jongin almost snapped.

‘Yah I saw Krystal looking pretty upset, did you two have a lover’s tiff?’ Taemin asked almost jokingly. But the way Jongin refused to look at either him or Luhan confirmed far too much;

‘Nah, I don’t know.’ Jongin shrugged, looking at the floor.

‘You said you weren’t jealous that she used to like Sehun-‘

‘-Hyung, it’s nothing. Please can we just practice?’ Jongin’s lips pouted in frustration.

‘Ok ok, come on. I’ll buy you some food after this, Luhan you can come too?’ Taemin rubbed Jongin’s hair playfully, like a big brother would.

‘I’m ok thank you for the offer but …I think I have to be somewhere after this.’ Jongin avoided Luhan’s accusatory gaze further.

But he could feel the anger bubbling inside Luhan.

Whatever it was Luhan was imagining or assuming, Jongin refused to acknowledge it.

========

‘See you later.’ Luhan would wave as he walked back to the dorms while you and Jongin continued to the corner shop.

He’d promised you ice cream after practice. You’d taken the offer, giving a chance to talk to him one-on-one without judging or prying eyes.

You would chat and smile at each other, enjoying jokes while Jongin bought you your favourite corner shop ice cream.

And even after eating ice cream, sitting on a park bench and watching the few people that walked past.

The orange sun, almost setting would look beautiful.

And somehow, as usual…the conversation would turn near-nostalgic.

But you’d wanted to tell him for so long.

Ever since that night in China…

You knew you’d have to tell Jongin.

‘I get it.’ You’d say, eating the last big bite of your cone.

‘Get what?’ Jongin would ask looking puzzled, wondering how what he’d just said produced that response.

‘I get why things happened the way it did…between us.’ You stated, trying so hard not to look at him as you smiled almost painfully.

Jongin became quiet, wondering how he should tread this topic.

‘It’s fineeee.’ You replied, slapping his arm in a show of indifference; that it was something you could both laugh about now.

‘It’s like what you said about fans, that you’d never date one.’ You stated, sighing a little as you watched couples continue to walk past.

Your hair would slightly get picked up in the breeze, loose strands you had forgotten to tie back would flutter, kissing your face.

‘It’s so that things like that don’t happen.’ The melancholy tone in your voice, it always confused Jongin no end. He looked back at you, puzzled.

‘I’d never want to taint your image…’ The words were true while you’d say them. Your mind immediately going back to Kevin. Thinking about him would hurt. Even if it was a joke, even if he was taking the mick… You’d resolved in yourself that that was the fear you’d felt. That day when he had tried to…when he almost…

You couldn’t do it.

His image, his job…his career. It would be gone in a flash.

All of it.

You would not be the one to drag him down.  

And Jongin was the same, he must have known, must have thought the same. Someone like you…and someone like him.

‘We’re from two different worlds Jongin.’ His lips slightly parted.

‘I see that more and more as each day passes.’ Then they clenched.

‘Like an invisible line just grows.’ He wanted to say something.

‘I watch you all as if I’m on the other side of it.’ But you were looking on ahead, spilling the thoughts you had never dreamed of letting loose.

‘You were never mine. And I can’t ever hope to ever be yours.’ You would mean it un-and specifically.

Jongin remained quiet. Unable to utter a single word in surprise.

‘You were just being honest. Dancing is your life. This, is your life. And no one can or should get in the way. I’m so sorry I put you in that awkward situation.’ You sighed, shrugging your shoulders while you watched the glorious river in front of you glisten under the setting sun.

Jongin would watch you. In all his beauty, his chiselled jaw would tighten and loosen. Terrified to say something, say something that wouldn’t reveal anything.

But even as something stirred inside him….

He parted his lips to speak;  ‘____-ah, you’re not-‘

‘-I wouldn’t want to lose my job, and neither would you. I completely get that now.’ You stated, looking back at Jongin with a soft smile across your lips. You tapped one hand on his knee for reassurance, but that look on Jongin’s face wouldn’t be comprehended by you. You never knew what he was thinking, despite how painfully obvious he was according to Kyungsoo.

And Jongin would bite his tongue. He wouldn’t say anything as this was for the best. Letting you believe what you wanted to, regardless of if it wasn’t the whole truth or exactly what he felt…

This was how the night was supposed to go.

This was what should have happened….

But alas, the evening was stolen.

The moment he did what he did.

The moment he… ‘kissed’ you.

Even if he was trying to help.

You couldn’t deal with it.

Not in that moment.

All he ever did was hurt you.

Drive you crazy, and then hurt you.

And so, you left….

=============

‘India.’ You whispered, barely believing your eyes.

Perhaps you were hallucinating, perhaps this was all just some strange dream, as if your brain knew how much you needed India in this moment, and thus she appeared.

She stood in the lounge, small and adorable as ever, but a fire within her that no one in this house would be able to tell by just looking at her.

Junmyeon smiled back at the two of you as if a proud mother.

‘_____.’ She repeated, grinning smugly before rushing to you with her arms outstretched.

You stood still in a daze, but a smile began to grow and grow on your face until your cheeks hurt.

She was here, India was really here. 

‘I’m not going to ask why you’re covered in sweat and breathing hard.’ She stated, mopping your brow with the back of her sleeve.

Instantly you felt self-conscious, stupid, and realised what a fool you had been. But there wasn’t enough time to think about what had happened, so you shoved the thoughts away for a later time.

‘Indi, why are you here?’ You asked incredibly confused by her presence.

‘Well that’s what I wanted to tell you, I’ve got a temp job at SM!’ She excla