Jongin’s loud snores flooded the room. Kyungsoo normally would be used to it by now, but on this night, it was particularly hard to ignore.  

His best friend had walked into the bedroom with a look of content before passing out in less than 5 minutes.

'At least someone’s feeling fine…pft' Kyungsoo thought as he lay in bed restlessly.

The clock on the wall ticked on, each second brought the dawn closer.

And it was exactly the thought of dawn…the thought of what awaited beyond that sunrise…

That caused his stomach to clench.

He’d be going back to Korea…

Without you.

Kyungsoo closed his eyes harshly, wanting sleep, wanting unconsciousness to take him. But it’d been over an hour and not even fatigue could knock him out due to the unsteady rhythm of his heart making him restless (and not to mention Jongin’s snoring).

He’d hidden the photo you’d taken together in Disneyland. If anyone knew of its existence in the group, it’d only rub them the wrong way, and Kyungsoo wasn’t one for drama.

He groaned quietly before getting out of bed.

Someone else was bound to be awake, unable to sleep because of what was to come.

And that someone would be you.

Kyungsoo grabbed a small item and tucked it into his pocket before walking out to the aparthotel living room.

He wasn’t even impressed at how right he was: there you were on the couch; knees tucked under your arms while you curled into a ball, quietly staring at your phone.

Kyungsoo held his breath, steadying himself, trying to keep the sudden panic that flooded through his veins to a minimum.

You were a ticking bomb, a whirlwind of emotions, and if he let on just how much he was worrying over your departure…

He stood still, you hadn’t noticed he was standing nearby – were you that preoccupied?

Kyungsoo clenched his jaw tightly while he watched you. The desperation had to simmer down before he said anything, but the more he watched you, the more the realisation hit… this was the last moment he’d have alone with you…

His plump lips pursed together as he dropped his shoulders, trying to empty himself of these ridiculous thoughts.

‘Can’t sleep?’ His voice sounded huskier than usual. Of course the sound of it caused you to jump. You dropped your feet onto the floor while grasping your chest.

‘Oh! Yah Kyungsoo-ah, I told you not to scare me like that!’ You almost yelled before realising the others were sleeping.

Kyungsoo shrugged his shoulders, biting down hard on his lip to step himself from laughing. It was far too easy to scare you.

Neatly, Kyungsoo dropped onto the couch while you curled up beside him.

‘Haven’t you got e-mails to reply to instead of moping?’ He was trying to get your mind off of it, to get you to realise how fatigued you probably were, but you shook your head;

‘I’ve responded to them all…just got to wait till tomorrow. And I wasn’t mopping I was just…’ You sighed, staring at the black screen of the TV. You looked like you were far away, searching distantly into the depths of your mind. How he would love to read your thoughts.

‘These past months have been so great.’ You continued to looked off into space, trying to find your words while Kyungsoo sat patiently for you to continue.

‘And today was so great. I just wish I could spend time with all of you together but…’ You winced a little at the thought that had haunted you;

‘It’s just the same as last time…I’m worried that…I feel guilty if I have fun with M without you…I mean, what am I saying, I just don’t-‘

‘-Don’t worry about us.’ Even if he would’ve regretted those words later, the guilt in your eyes made him say it. Your eyes met his stern gaze.  You watched as his expression softened, he blinked slowly, trying to act like none of this phased him.

‘This is your job.’ He searched for the words, his eyes darted between your features, secretly trying to screenshot and capture every single inch of your face while you watched him intently.

 ‘They’re your friends too. So enjoy yourself.’

He hated admitting it, but the reassured nod you gave him made it all worth it.

You rubbed your eyes harshly, refusing to make it apparent that your eyes had welled up.  

‘I hope you guys enjoyed having me.’ It wasn’t your usual chuckle that escaped you, your voice sounded thick. You dropped your hands and leant back against the couch.

‘I wouldn’t say enjoyed...’ Kyungsoo muttered quietly, he held back the grin that threatened to spill out.

…I’d say loved.

‘Yah Kyungsoo.’ You hit his arm lightly, trying to look offended while you lifted your knees, burying your face in them again.

He grinned slightly, knowing you’d assume he was making fun.

How was it he enjoyed it when you whined?

When Baekhyun did it, he’d feel furious, when Tao did it, he’d think of ways to bury the body without a trace of evidence.

Kyungsoo nudged his shoulder against yours;

‘Couldn’t have asked for a better manager.’ He made sure to sound happy about it, to make you at least smile back at him one last time.

You couldn’t even look at him as you fought back an ugly sob.

‘You’ll be back, we all know you will be. No one’s worried.’ The lie was evident, even if he sounded far too convincing…and caring for comfort.  Kyungsoo stopped himself from placing his hand on your shoulder.

‘I know I know…it’s just…’ You looked at your fingers, wringing your hands while you spoke;

‘I’m going to miss going for bubble tea with Sehun...’

‘…Or listening to Junmyeon’s bad jokes.’ You sniffled but smiled at the thought. Kyungsoo watched the smile begin to grow on your face;

‘Listening to Chanyeol play the guitar…’ Kyungsoo remembered the pick Chanyeol constantly used while he strummed at ridiculous hours of the night, it was the same one you’d bought him ages ago…

‘I’ll even miss Baekhyun’s stupid selca wars.’ Kyungsoo was sure those games had irritated him more than you, but he kept his mouth shut. Your smile faded, it was replaced by a soft, nostalgic grin.

 Your teeth barred as you spoke;  

‘And I will miss Jongin’s laugh.’ His heart panged a little. He felt that familiar pang whenever you mentioned Jongin. And for the first time in his life, Kyungsoo wondered…

Do you smile that same way…when you think of me?

He’d beat himself up over that thought at another date.

Your smile faded and your eyes glistened, they shone in the shallow light of the standing lamp nearby.

‘But…’

You turned your head, looking down at his hand before gulping harshly. You looked up; eyes meeting his pained gaze.

*ba bump*

Kyungsoo didn’t realise his whole body had stiffened and his jaw had clenched. His eyebrows furrowed tightly. You saw his pained expression, it killed you, but you had to say it…

*ba bump*

Slowly, you placed your hand on his. The contact sent a spark through him entirely. But it wasn’t happiness he felt. It wasn’t happiness at all. The wave of emotion hit him hard as he really, finally understood.

You were leaving.

‘But…’ Your lips curled as you sniffed harshly, your voice came out thickly.

Don’t say it.

Don’t say it because…

Because I can’t.

Don’t make me wonder why I drew this line…

‘…I’m going to miss you the most…Do Kyungsoo.’

If you were truly looking, you would’ve seen everything he’d worked so hard to fight against, to hide it so desperately.

His large, round eyes stared back at you with a look of fear.

Did he know his eyes welled up immediately?

Did you notice?

His heart rick-racketed in his chest. It thumped loudly, it pounded painfully against his rib cage, rendering him speechless.

Just say it.

Say it…before it’s too late.

You’d lifted your hand away, but he wanted to grab it, to feel that warmth that already left him, that killed him yet made him whole, all at the same time.

You were so close, but at the same time…you weren’t. His heart couldn’t take it.

Do you hear it?

Do you hear me screaming?

His eyes searched, scanned and explored your gaze.

He was looking, hoping, praying if in his mad desperation…seeing if he could…seeing if you would let him…

…All he had to do was tilt his head and lean in, then-

It never was one sided.

His face emerged in Kyungsoo’s mind.

And immediately Kyungsoo froze, his expression remained unmoved while his eyes never once broke your gaze.

‘Jongin’s not the only one I like.’

He never wanted to be caught in the middle. He didn’t want the drama or the pain that came with it…even if it meant he’d lose everything.

Finally, Kyungsoo regained his senses.

He knew deep down, there was no way he’d be able to compete with either of them.

There’d be no way.

The other contenders were far too promising, too dazzling against him.

There was nothing he could do, all he was, was Do Kyungsoo. Average and unexciting.

Sooner or later you would be swept off your feet.

Whether it was here or in China.

And it was bound to happen…sooner rather than later.

He felt so deflated, so alone and dejected even with you by his side.

He didn’t want to argue and fight. The situation hurt his head too much, and his heart.

There was no point in dragging you into his own darkne