Things were done differently in China – the laws, the company and the boys were very opposite;

Annoyingly, it seemed the M boys were aiding you more than you were guiding them. How was your Mandarin so rusty? Spending just a few months in Korea; trying to pick up as many slang words and informal phrases as you could, had somehow pushed your A-level Mandarin out the window.

‘It’s Shuai Ge not Ge Shuai.’ Tao corrected while he pointed at your handwritten notes, while he lazed on the couch beside you the night you came back from football practice.

‘Oh shi-shoot….’ You stuck your tongue out, erasing the mistake made on the page with a burning face. Never did you think Tao would be teaching you anything other than playful martial arts (that was another story for another time).

‘And here, if you write that it changes the tense-‘

‘Um...ok.’ You mumbled, sticking your tongue out before erasing another character and replacing it with another.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkk – the word seemed to sum up the situation perfectly.

=========================

Kyungsoo was doing it again.

It hadn’t become too much of a problem until he’d noticed Baekhyun noticing him doing it too:

In-between practice, after dinner and even in the dressing rooms before performances or interviews… whenever he was left alone to his own thoughts, Kyungsoo would stare at his phone.

Impatiently, annoyingly, Kyungsoo would chew on his bottom lip with furrowed eyebrows and stare hard at his phone….as if staring at the electrical contraption would make you message or call.

The action was beginning to annoy people…

…Including Kyungsoo.

‘Just message her.’ Jongin tutted in a whisper while he sipped his drink the media assistants brought him in the dressing room.

Kyungsoo sighed deeply in acknowledgment over Jongin’s words before tearing his eyes off his phone, shoving it to the side of the dressing table.

You don’t understand, no one does…it feels weird just…messaging out of the blue when-

‘It doesn’t make a difference she’s been messaging the others seriously.’ Jongin whispered, acknowledging that reason for being a dampener in Kyungsoo’s mood over the past few days.  

Kyungsoo quietly tutted. To be honest, it wasn’t the messages that bothered him… he just missed your mindless blabbering, hearing your struggles and your stresses about work, life and home…

He hated admitting it, and would certainly not admit it to anyone else on the planet.

Were you just bottling up those troubles in yourself?

Or…

Were you telling someone else about your woes?

The selfish, and terrifying thoughts creeped in…did you miss him…at all?

Did you not…need him anymore?

Kyungsoo didn’t realise he wasn’t breathing until Sehun dropped his phone on the floor, panicking while he picked it up, praying it was unscathed.

‘-Is this a girl you’re talking about?’ One of the hairdressers asked in a light-hearted way behind Kyungsoo while she began to fix his hair – but both Jongin and Kyungsoo vehemently shook their heads, knowing they’d said too much already. Kyungsoo’s shoulders slumped while he picked up the phone and tucked it away.

‘Why yes, we were talking about a girl, but I can’t tell you who~’ Baekhyun grinned, the self-centred fool obviously thought the hairdresser was asking him and Chanyeol about their ‘deep’ conversation. Regardless of Baekhyun’s idiocy, Kyungsoo was grateful for the distraction, missing Baekhyun’s knowing grin in his direction.

=================

Days had passed since ‘football practice’ in the park and things were taking a turn for the better…in terms of your ‘Korea-homesickness’ however, things were not looking bright with the work schedules.

M were almost being treated worse than K, seeing as their work schedule had them moving in-and-out of venues and interviews like no-tomorrow.

‘That’s the way things are.’ Jongdae sighed, rubbing his strained neck after you’d asked him if the fully typed ‘newspaper’ looking page you’d received really was their work schedule.

‘Guys.’ You breathed, shock desperation in your voice.

‘It all gets shoved in so we have a free weekend.’ Kevin added, biting an apple while he pointed at the sheets in your hands, the van you all sat in was taking you all to another show-and-tell interview/show. There had been so many over the past few days you were surprised the boys weren’t bored of them already.

That being said you had been absent for a lot of their schedules over a few days due to visits in and out of the immigration office to sort out your visa. Luckily the standby manager; a man by the name of Li took care of things.

However, Mr Li wasn’t that nice of course; he’d shoved these papers in your hands the moment you entered headquarters without an explanation of what it all meant before ordering the boys to get in a van and sending you all off to the next location.

Your eyes scanned through the pages, trying hard to stay composed and not break a sweat;

The Chinese you’d learnt was definitely rusty as half the page at a first glance didn’t seem to make any sense. It took every ounce of you to not furrow your eyebrows, and look the papers as if you understood to a T what it was the boys were meant to do.

Is this was suffocating felt like?

‘Ok?’

You felt him squeeze your hand slightly before letting go, trying hard himself to look subtle. You looked back at Minseok with raised eyebrows while he sat beside you, your pulse slightly accelerating, hoping to God you hadn’t been so obvious, praying the others didn’t catch on to your fear the way Minseok had.

‘Mm, yeah it’s fine.’ You gave Minseok an encouraging and awfully ridiculous looking grin that you were sure he didn’t buy, but regardless, Minseok gave you the space you needed, returning a smaller smile before turning to the window.

---------------

The moment you’d passed the large glass doors into the mass communications building, you were beginning to feel like a lost child, almost forgetting what you were doing there.

That was all you had to do. One step at a time, easy. Just get them there and hand them the scripts.

‘Ahhhh after this we should go eat beef.’ Luhan muttered, yawning slightly while the boys entered the dressing room.

‘I second that.’ Jong Dae muttered in agreement.

‘The one from my home town though, it’s something else. You guys should come and try it – delicious. My grandma seasons it really well.’ Yixing his lips while he envisioned the tender beef on his tongue most likely.

‘Especially ____, you should come! My grandparents would love to repay you for letting me see them last time, they’d love to thank you personally.’ Yixing stated, bowing a little as he said it.

‘Ah seriously it’s fine they don’t have to do that! But if you’re offering I’d love to see the people you talk about so often, the sound wonderful.’ You grinned at him in approval.

‘Oh, almost forgot I have to talk to the PD around here and make sure you guys are all set. I’ll be back.’ You stated turning around on the spot and walking out. The boys were too busy getting ready to notice.

You stared at your schedule papers, just checking over them one more time while you rounded a corner, almost bumping into PD Cheng in the process.

‘Oh, sorry!’ You bowed at him as quickly as you could. He didn’t as much as give you a nod before he spoke;

‘Good you’re here, the boys are in their room?’ He asked, looking at a clipboard and re-adjusting the glasses set on his nose.

‘Yes.’ You replied nodding, knowing you should keep answers short when speaking to the higher-ups.

‘And they memorised the script?’ He asked nodding once more, going through some more papers on that black clipboard of his.

‘Not yet, they’re still reading it sir.’ You replied, hardly blinking. That was when PD Cheng stopped, he looked back at you with a building sense of…

‘-What do you mean still reading it?’ The words came out almost like a strangled hiss, and that was when you knew you were ed.

Immediately you started babbling, scrounging to reply in a fast choke-

‘W-well I read on the schedule papers, it said the boys were to rehearse the scripts when they got-‘

‘-THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO MEMORISE THEM YESTERDAY!’ The roar that emitted from the PD’s mouth sent waves, rolls of heat along your cheeks, along your body – causing you to begin to sweat profusely.

‘It said on the papers they were supposed to memorise the scripts not read them right before the show, you moron!’ His shouts echoed down the hall, they roared through your veins, sending your heart beats into overdrive.

The profanities he began to yell had your bowels turn to water, had you grinding your teeth and pursing your lips together while you tried your best to fit in apologies in between his rants.

‘-Now we have to use a prompter for them to read from, there’s no way they’ll be able to memorise what they have to say in so little time!’

‘I’m sorry sir.’ You added again, wanting the ground to swallow you whole.

‘What do we even pay you for.’ He rubbed his temples, evidently trying to find words that wouldn’t tip him over the edge, he’d probably run out of steam to keep yelling.

‘These god-damned foreigners.’ He hissed still rubbing his temples before pulling his glasses off and rubbing them.

You tightened your fist painfully, unaware if you’d drawn blood or not.

‘You think it’s cheap and easy to hire someone like you? We have people here who have better qualifications that could easily fill your role.’ PD Cheng hissed the words right at you, completely unabashed over the fact that people were watching all around, slowing down their pace and listening intently while they pretended to go over camera and wiring technicalities.

Your kept your gaze lowered, refusing, refusing to look up and see the pure rage in his expression, already feeling it in his voice.

‘You’re lucky we’re allowed to use a prompter for this broadcast, otherwise you’d be on a one-way ticket back to your useless country.’ He snapped, ripping some papers from an assistant and rolling them up as if to…as if to...

‘We hired you because we thought you could handle the job – this job calls for Chinese as well as Korean.’ He tapped you on your head.

‘Weren’t you studying it back in Korea or were you just sat on your arse doing nothing like the lazy foreigner you are?’ He tapped you harder on the head, but it was nothing compared to the slap Manager Yuna had given you.

You stared down at the floor hard. The shame hit you like a train, it was awful, disgusting not being able to come back with an answer that would be deemed acceptable.

‘It’s my mistake, I’m sorry.’ It was all you could utter because this was a mistake, your mistake entirely. Only you would be taking the fall, even if it meant…

Expulsion.

He seemed to have cooled down while he unwrapped the papers in his hand.

‘You’re lucky my daughter is the same age as you, I can’t just fire you on the spot.’ He breathed almost sighing.

‘You have another chance to redeem yourself. Don’t do it again.’ And with that, PD Cheng walked off, a chill went up and down your spine – the aftereffect of it caused heatwaves to roll throughout your body, flooding your cheeks crimson. You had to escape that corridor and rush back to the boys, unable to hear the sounds of doors opening and closing, people chattering and machines being wheeled around. It was all a blur.

Even as you stood outside the boys’ changing room with a heavy heart, the world still blurred. Something stopped you from opening the door and stepping inside.

You knew this mistake would happen sooner or later, the nerves had gotten to you. They rose up and up; the guilt and the absolute shame – you were riddled with it.

How could you be so stupid?

Stupid stupid stupid!

The door handle blurred in your bleary-eyed vision, tears stinging them, coaxing you to blink, to show your weakness to the world.

Going in there would reveal what a failure of a manager you were. Your nerves were shot, if you walked in they’d be worried, and you’d have to tell them, let them know that they couldn’t depend on you.

Oh God.

You felt like you were going to be sick.

Where else could you go?

Panicked, you looked up and turned around, knowing a safe-haven. Needing to, having to do run away as fast as possible. Thus, as fast as your legs could, without looking as if you were going to burst into tears, you briskly walked to the toilets. The sign nearing as you almost ran the last few steps.

A small whine escaped your lips before you covered your mouth and almost sprinted in. Thankfully every cubicle was empty. You dropped down on your knees, lifting a toilet seat and hurled.

Sweat beaded your forehead while you wretched and wretched.

What an embarrassing sight – you thought while you continued to shake and struggle, lifting your head out of the toilet bowl and flushing.

You mopped your brown while you struggled, pulling yourself up and slouching over to the sink.

You stared back at yourself while you felt the cold water in between your fingers, cupping your palms and filling them to the brim so you could wash your face.

Get it together.

But you couldn’t, you just couldn’t.

The panic continued to seep in, the stress of it all – you had to go back and face those boys but.

Boys.

There was one boy.

One boy you missed dearly, one boy who you could-

There was only one thing…one thing you wanted to do, and you had to do it quick-

---------------------------

Kris laid back into the uncomfortable brown couch in the dressing room. The others were being seen to; rehearsing their scripts intently while their hair was tugged and combed and their clothes pulled on and taken off.  It wasn’t a variety programme they were to film; it was a quick advert. Perhaps someone had given you the wrong schedule before you told him and the others what the day entailed? But that didn’t make much of a difference; the days never seemed to end. Ever since he joined SM, ever since he saw his mother for the last time in Canada, his life had been one big work schedule. It was an endless, sleepless cycle.

Some days he felt like packing it all in – like taking his things and leaving, going back to his mother and to his old friends…but then…this was what it took, he’d convinced himself after his first month of training. This was what was necessary, what was needed to be great, to achieve greatness. Regardless of missing his mother, of the incessant bullying while being a trainee and feeling his body slowly deteriorate, this was worth it.

He was exhausted; both mentally and emotionally and although he’d never voice these concerns with the others, he guessed they too, felt the same, or at least a few did.

Words couldn’t express the silent happiness he felt knowing you would be joining him-them in China. He firmly believed, firmly knew that you were needed in this group; to ease all of this for everyone. You were a small, soft light in a sea of darkness and anxiety…and you were more than enough.

Your endless chatter and smiles, your over reactions and…

A small smile emerged on his lips.

It almost, almost broke out into a grin before he tucked it away, pushing it down; further and further into the cacophony of his own soul where hopefully no one, not one of the others would see it.

‘Where’s _____-ah?’