Chapter 51

The sun had finally departed; the skies had adjusted to the opacity of the nighttime. The sensation of the cold winter breeze was hemmed between Lu Han and me. We were still alone. We had inclined unto silence after our lips had touched.

His warm lips had still lingered. It was pleasant of course however it was so…sudden.

I couldn’t set a choice on what how I should feel. Everything was scattered. Through happiness and loneliness, it always seems as if Fate always wanted me to settle with both mental state simultaneously.

Everything  I  had ever done with Lu Han was a first and the thought of it lead me to depression. I knew for sure that  these first experiences with  him may turn out to be my last.

We remained quiet for a while. So many things were going on in my head. I was trying to organize how I could possibly tell him about Thailand without having a surprise thrown at him.

It was fun while it lasted?  Lu Han had introduced me to different sensations within a short span of time. I don't know if loving Lu Han will be worth it in the end but I knew that  these feelings may not occur to me anymore.

The love that  I have  towards Lu Han cannot  be comparable for my feelings are too strong. I knew I was young, I knew that Lu Han will probably meet another girl in the near future. However, the love I have for Lu Han—I simply couldn't imagine it disappearing.

Happiness

Sadness

Confusion

With heavy breathing, my tears had finally decided to come into sight. It was slowly trickling down my face but it was hard to stop.  Lu Han was surprised by my sudden change of mood — Flustered, not knowing how to aide the situation.

"____?" he called.

Indomitably wiping my wet eyes, I had tried to smile no matter how much my heart hurts. I hated it. "Thankyou" 

He still looked surprised. 

"Thankyou for taking care of me. Reciprocating my feelings--" my voice shook "For giving me joy. The confidence that I needed the most. I never knew that I could find someone who is so different from me yet understands me completely"

"Yah! what are you saying?" he shouted. 

I exhaled. As if I devoured all the confidence that I could possibly have. I don't even know if this will hurt Lu Han however, I knew well that it was painful for me "I'm moving to Thailand, Oppa. Next month" 

He had stayed silent again

and finally he says "Okay" with a monotone voice.

The sound of the single okay had obviously upset me simply. I forced myself to think that their must have been some kind of meaning being it.

But the thought that he just didn't care hurts so much. I couldn't interpret the meaning behind "Okay".

He simply didn't care

The bus ride home was simply the longest and the most painful place to be at. The bus ride home somehow symbolized the end of our relationship — the university where we left all of our moments of sweetness and blissfulness.  Maybe, Lu Han left his feelings too and I'm the only one who is still hanging on.

 Lu Han and I were sitting side by side inside the empty bus. It was so old and horrific, leather fabric from the seats were torned and discoloured, a few lights inside were flickering...some were even dead.

The tension was so strong. The distance was so far. Although, at that moment, I was the closest to Lu Han physically, it also felt like I was the farthest. I didn't feel that obligation to talk or look at him. I really wanted to get home so soon. I was angry, not only to him — but myself.

Was this it? is this how our story is going to end

It's just full of sad memories that had never been concealed. We could have done so many things to forget about those rough trials.  But it seemed like it was just a waste of time — a waste of energy. 

After I got off the bus, I had taken off without bidding goodbye. At the same time, Lu Han didn't seem to care at all as he didn't stop me from leaving.

This is really the end.

Fate has really done it.

It's probably sending out a sign that maybe — just maybe, we weren't meant for each other.

I was quite aware of that before I even talked to him. I knew that there was no way in hell that I would get a flawless guy like Lu Han to fall for me. Or any guy at all!

However, I couldn't understand why it hurts so much, even though you've expected a bad outcome to occur already. it still hurts either way.

As I finally went in the house, and as I was still standing by our doorway, I saw my Mom and Dad in the living room again, looking at me with an atoning expression.

All the guilt came back in an instant now that I realized that I got angry at them because of Lu Han, who clearly didn't show any interest in my upcoming departing.

If I knew that Lu Han didn't care then there wouldn't be any tension around the house either.

My mother said, standing up from the couch and walking slowly towards me.

"It's late, _____. You were with a guy, you shouldn't be staying out this late" Mother said.

I nodded and slowly, I lowered my head in shame. "Sorry, Lu Han Oppa wouldn't take interest anyway"  I mumbled, holding tightly on to my bag strap. "I'll head to bed now"

I headed to the staircase, avoiding my parents gaze. I didn't have the energy to hear them lecture me about staying out too late or staying out too late with a boy. It's never going to happen again.

"____" Mother halted. She took her time to collect some confidence, she sounded really tired and upset. It made me quite upset too. "Look//" she said.

"//Umma, Appa. I'm sorry okay? I was mad at you for no reason. But, I did a lot of thinking and... I think I'll be okay"

They blinked at me.

"with moving to Thailand that is. I mean, I can still contact Ji Eun and Hana" I said.

My Father had come up to give a gentle embrace "That's good. We did realize that you had grown an attachment to Seoul and the people here. We did see how difficult it was for you to set a decision and I'm sorry..."

I smiled at my Mother, who was watching My Father and I in our moment.

"You shouldn't be, Appa. Like you said, Thailand has great places and I will be staying at a dorm, so... I'm definitely looking forward to that"

"We know you will adjust. Seoul had given you many memories... so treasure it. In fact, I've never seen you this happy before. Maybe in Thailand, you'll make more happy memories"

"Right"

I headed to my room. I was finally okay with my parents, which is good. I definitely don't want any tension around the house.

It was partly an act, really. Obviously, I still wanted to settle in Seoul for a while. It was still difficult because I  knew that there was no backing out, it can't be helped.

From that moment of reconciling with my parents, I realized that I would have to choose my parents over anyone, especially over Lu Han. I'm quite ashamed by the fact that I just realized it at that moment.

For a while, I was more inclined towards Lu Han rather than my parents.

He is just a boy. A living object that you can feel attraction and pain towards to.

I hoped that in the future, I will find one of those living objects again and probably be able to feel the same sensation — or maybe, I'll just get a dog.

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The fic is almost ending!!!! T T

what do you think's going to happen? I might update later again